Chapter 4: Paws the Music
Forever Working, the proud, local mailmare in Baltimare, was in a sour mood. For the last few days, her boss and everyone at her work had tried to get her to take a vacation. Sure, she had been working without a single day off for the last 6 years, but she wasn’t tired at all! She was proud of her streak so far. No way was she gonna let that go simply because everyone told her that she would collapse sooner or later. At the moment, she was flying from Baltimare to make a delivery in Trottingham.
“Bah, who needs rest? I’ll show them that I’m perfectly-“ She got interrupted by what looked like a minecart flying mid-air. In said minecart sat a black cat with a huge grin on its face, waving at her, and a goat who was yodeling while playing a banjo. Few moments after it had appeared, the minecart disappeared in the trees below her.
She hovered for a few minutes in silence. Utter disbelief filled her mind. She tried to get a coherent sentence together, but failed as she had trouble controlling her jaw.
Finally she got control of her mouth and uttered a single line. “I’ll take the vacation…”
That’s the end of-
Oi! You can’t just do that!
Huh? Why not?
You’re just leaving it there? Think of the readers!
What about them?
They have no clue what just happened. They weren’t there with you at the time.
Oh… OH! Oh god, you’re right. Should we start from the beginning?
I think that might be a good idea yes.
OK, here goes! *presses remote*
│<<
Purrlogue
“So let me get this straight; you’re giving me the chance to go to Equ-“ TOO FAR!
>>│
Chapter 4: Paws the Music.
What? No, of course I’m not lost! Why didn’t I follow the road, you ask? I know a shortcut… OK, fine, I admit it: I’m more lost than… I can’t even think of a joke to end that sentence with. Yes, I’m THAT lost.
But thankfully, this ahem shortcut, gave me time to work on my illusions. When you understand the basics of it, it’s not hard to make an illusion…If you have the power of dreams, of course. Gotta have that.
The basic for every illusion is making a field of power. It’s in this field that your thoughts will appear when you think of them hard enough. I quickly found out that the size of said field can be about as big as I darn well please. The only difficult part about illusions is the making. The bigger and more perfect I want them, the more I need to concentrate and imagine it. That's why I tend to do smaller ones instead of imagining an entire city.
Apparently with an illusion only including a single sense, you only need to focus on that single sense. Sight in general is pretty easy, just focus on an image you want to appear. Though you need the details to be right, otherwise people will notice.
And now we get to the hard part: Touch, smell and taste. These are HARD! Though the problems with smell and taste is that it usually have a habit of slipping into the taste/smell of fish or other cat-related foods… OK, so the cat-thing is having a bigger effect on me than I first thought, sue me.
But touch? How to explain this? Grab the nearest flat thing, preferably a really smooth object. Try running your finger over it. Smooth, right? Smooth is easy to simulate, think of it as a single feeling to your touch. Now go outside. OK fine, you don’t need to, just grab something a bit more rough. A small stone (I told you to go outside) or perhaps a non-paperback book (one of the old ones with the rough covers). Try running your finger over that. Yeah, that’s a lot of different feels, isn’t it?
A bumpy stone is hard to make because you need to get every little bump just right. Remember where in the illusion to put ‘this’ feel and ‘that’ feel. Yeah, touch is a pain in the ass to do. Just make it simple.
Now sound might be my personal favorite, if not because it’s really easy. Just think of the sound you want and viola. I’ve already had some fun listening to various songs while walking. Think of the symphonies and classics I could listen to, how I could educate Equestrians with our songs and- I’m sorry I can’t keep a straight face, I’ve been listening to ‘Flogging Molly’ for the last few hours.
You may be asking yourself, ‘how did he practice his illusions?’
Well, if I ever see any of those critters again, I need to buy them a beer. Turns out that being a cat means that I can talk to the animals, effectively scaring the shit out of me when a small bird suddenly began screaming bloody murder at my attempt of making a hawk with illusions. Yeah, didn’t expect that… That's not to say that every single animal is sentient.
It doesn't appear that sentience have anything to do with species, but it's up to the individual. I've seen two squirrels talk to each other, one of them in normal English (Or is it Equestrian here?) and the other with normal *squirk*s or whatever a squirrel says.
As morning arrived (OK I WAS SO LOST!), my hopes of finding Baltimare dropped more and more. “Yeah, I’m so freaking lost… I’ve been walking all night and not a single clue of where Baltimare is, or anything else for that matter.” Suddenly I noticed a hill. The hill was the last thing to block out my view of the sun, and it made the entire hill glow. You know what I'm talking about. Ever seen one of those old cheesy movies with the sun in the hero's back? On top of that hill was a small hut. “It isn’t Baltimare, but if that's not divine intervention, I don't know what it is. Maybe the guy living there knows the way to the city.”
This hut have seen better day. Planks hanging loosely from the walls, the door was hanging a bit from its hinges, everything was hanging here is what I’m saying.
A small sign hang (OK I’ll stop now) on the door. “’Mr. Japeth Goat’… Goat? There must be more sentient creatures than I thought.” Thinking back, there was that mule from the show, and dragons, and Iron Will the Minotaur, so a goat shouldn’t be out of the question.
Wait, didn't Iron Will have goat-assistants? I believe he did.
I knocked on the door, or tried to, it came out as more of a small *thud**thud* due to my paws. Apparently it was loud enough for the goat to hear, because a few seconds later a goat with glasses and get this; a goatee, appeared in the doorway.
“Hello there, I was on my way to Baltimare but got lost on my way there. Is there any way you could tell me how to get there?” I feel like I’m missing something here. Oh right. “Oh, and I’m a talking cat. Don’t let that freak you out.”
If he was surprised he didn’t show it, without a word he gestured me inside. I stopped just inside the hut, which was more of a shack to be honest, and just stared at the walls. They were full of set of horns. All different shapes and sizes.
Oh great, I’ve stumbled onto one of those crazy guys who lives in the forest and kills the people who’re stupid enough to come all the way out here. I almost saw my own little head on the walls, before Japeth (I heavily assume that’s his name, he hasn’t said anything yet) took off his own horns and switched to another pair from the walls. Oh, prosthetics? Cool, cool… What the…
He went over to a small banjo in the corner and picked it up. And then he did something I would never have seen coming; he started singing.
“37 years ago a witch done put a spell on me.
A spell where when I'm talkin' I'm singin' it with glee.
When you're always singin' you got to live alone.
That's why I made this mountain shack my home.
And when you're on the mountain, you got no guarantees
That life will turn up roses or turn out as you please.
When you're on the mountain, there's lots to be a'feared
That's why this here old mountain goat's prepared!
Be prepared, be prepared,
This lesson must be shared,
This lesson must be shared,
Be prepared!”
This song is damn catchy! This day just got, pardon the meme, 20% cooler!
“Be prepared, be prepared,
And unless you got a spare,
You got one life, so handle it with care!"
“Actually, I’ve got 9, but I’ll be prepared teacher!” I shouted with enthusiasm as he begun something resembling yodeling. This might be the best way to start a day EVER!
“I got horns that open bottles,
And I got horns that hold my keys,
I got horns that when you turn 'em right, they help me watch TV.
I got horns that open pickle jars,
And horns that come with hair,
I got horns that hang my other horns -
I always come prepared.”
Where do you buy horns like that? Special order?
“Be prepared, be prepared,
This lesson must be shared,
This lesson must be shared,
Be prepared!
“Be prepared, be prepared,
And unless you got a spare,
You got one life, so handle it with care!”
At the end of that verse, he slipped beside me and pulled one of the candles on the wall. Ah, the classic hidden lever-trick. Clever. As a trapdoor opened below us, we had our two cartoony seconds of staying in mid-air. Wiley Coyote would be proud. The next thing I knew, both of us was in a mineshaft, seated in a cart. Oh the time with Minecraft, I’ll miss you.
"Yeeeheeeee! Keep your hands and feet inside of the
vehicle at all times!"
Adding insult to injury, Japeth started to yodel again (don’t look at me, I’m just going with the flow) and we were moving along on a mine-track that had no right to exist. My first thought was that no sane miner would have made such a track. My second thought was ‘weeeeeeeee, roller coaster!’
I did the only normal thing you do in roller coasters and raised my arms (in this case legs) and screamed at the top of my lungs. This in turn caused a loud rumbling sound to start above us. I looked up at the mountain (I’m almost 120% sure that wasn’t there when I entered the shack) and saw snow coming toward us. Apparently Japeth noticed this as well as he began singing again.
"Ooooooh, an avalanche is comin' and I do not feel prepared,
It's rumblin' like a mountain lion - I must say that I'm scared.”
“Don’t say that!”
“And if not for the witch's spell you'd hear just how I scream,
But since I'm only singin', I'll just yodel 'til we're creamed!”
I gaped at him. Even when he was about to die, he couldn’t stop singing. Damn that witch must have been go-“WOULD YOU STOP YODELING?!” I shouted over the sound of tumbling snow and goat-yodeling.
We entered a tunnel just as the snow would have hit us, and I could see the light at the end of it. Normally that’s a good thing, we got away from the avalanche and got to safety, but no. In this case, it’s a bad thing. Why? Just that this insane miner apparently never finished the damn track.
As we continued past the end of the track, we flew. No, I have no other way of explaining it. There is no way that physics should allow us to go this far up. We were at cloud level, though in Equestria, that’s not saying much. We just continued to sail through the sky, and in the distance I could see a city. I had a small suspicion that this might be Baltimare. That crazy old goat actually- he’s still going on?! Wow, some lungs on this guy!
I could faintly see a small speck in the distance, a pegasus I presume. Ohohoho, this is gonna be fun.
Forever Working, the proud, local mailmare in Baltimare, was in a sour mood. For the last few days, her boss and everyone at her work had tried to get her to take a vacation. Sure she had been working without a single day off for the last 6 years, but she wasn’t tired at all! She was proud of her streak so far. No way was she gonna let that go simply because everyone told her that she would collapse sooner or later. At the moment she was flying from Baltimare to make a delivery in Trottingham.
“Bah, who needs rest? I’ll show them that I’m perfectly-“ She got interrupted by what looked like a minecart flying mid-air. In said minecart sat a black cat with a huge grin on its face, waving at her and a goat who was yodeling while playing a banjo. Few moments after it had appeared, the minecart disappeared in the trees below her.
She hovered for a few minutes in silence. Utter disbelief filled her mind. She tried to get a coherent sentence together, but failed as she had trouble controlling her jaw.
Finally she got control of her mouth and uttered a single line. “I’ll take the vacation…”
It was a normal day on the main-road in Baltimare. Ponies was doing their groceries, talking with friends and going to and fro work. The peace and tranquility was quickly shattered as a minecart came rolling down the street and came to a stop in front of a café with patrons who were quite curious to know what was going on.
A yodeling was heard and the front of the cart fell open. A single black cat came out and began walking with a sway in its step, down the street.
It stopped just in front of the café and rose to its hind-legs and held out its arms. It then yelled at the top of its lungs.
“Watch out Baltimare! Hold onto your hats, and shoes if you wear any, cause things are about to get WILD!”
Hey, if anything I know how to make an entrance. Now! Where's the fish?
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AWESOME!!
Love the hoodwinked reference.
Good story and keep making it this funny.
Wonderful reference to Hoodwinked. I quite enjoyed finding the song and listening to it as I read the chapter.
Feaaaaaaaaatured....
hah, Hoodwinked reference :D
All my Hearts.
Wow. Just...wow...
I don't know how I found this story, was it featured? EQD?
Whatever, it's amazing
Hurry and updaaate!
957286 EQD?! Oh heavens no. But it was featured for a short time, yes. Glad you like it
-Glassed
953372 Yes Mr. 'I'm a cat as well, but I can stand on two legs. I have a sword and a magical snake on my arm. I'm also about 6ft tall!', I'll do my best! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png
...
What? No, of course I'm not jealous!
-Glassed
EPIC!!!!!!!
Woohoo! Finally got around to reading this, damn vacation stop interfering with ponies!
Could not have done this scene better myself, really excellent job
That was pure comedic genius! And I loved the song from Hoodwinked.
YES! i love flogging molly XD EDIT: and i loved this chapter even more with the Hoodwinked reference :D
I laughed so hard at this. Good stuff, good stuff indeed.
In said minecart sat a black cat with a huge grin on its face, waving at her and a goat who was yodeling while playing a banjo. Few moments after it had appeared, the minecart disappeared in the trees below her
I laughed so hard I hurt myself.
BWAHAHA!.
Okay. I'm done. Now I'll just go over there and make the snow melt faster.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2822_large.jpg
i can't tell you how hard i laughed, i actually passed out for like an hour
Great chapter loved the Hoodwinked crossover. Will we see any more crossovers in this story?
My grin upon reading about the only awsome part of Hoodwinked looked something like this.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmfc67NJJH1ql1qf2o1_500.jpg
Can't go wrong with a banjo and some silly singing.
"Sweet tea and cookies! We've got to do something!"
"I know. The song is catchy but the choreography is terrible."
HOODWINKED!!! Twitchy and the wolf. Best comedic pair ever. Goat is really funny too.
"Hey, that candle burns nice and bright, what's it called."
"Hmmm, dee-na-mee-tay. Must be Italian."
"WAH! Lose the candle!"
952754
*Gasp* are you a TIMELORD?
1059175
fibers.com/imgs/D45540-198x198-front.png
The constant singing actually reminded me of 'The Musicker' from "The Road to Oz".
HOODWINKED!!!! Oh, I can't wait for Angel to come a-hopping: "Right, boss! Neeeeeever trust a bunny!"
*laugh-cries with nostalgia*
It's "voilà" you're searching for.
In French, "viola" means "raped".
3429206 AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! My sister plays a viola!! I can never look at it again the same way, all I'll think of will be dolphin rapists! AAAAAAGH!
If I remember correctly that goats from the film Hoodwinked
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Thank you for the hoodwinked reference
ok no more comets for next few chapters