I love to write so much! Drawing isn't necessarily my forte, but it keeps the sandman away at night, I'll give it that. I have a DA too! :D
The explosions made Shepard’s ears ring loudly. Electricity shot through his system and his eyes glowed red the exact shade of the Omega 4 Relay’s core. Then, he dropped. Stagnant quiet filled the ship when the hull was breached, and every crew member was sucked into the endless void of space. Few survived it, but those that did were destined to save a world they’ve never seen nor heard of.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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kewl
51394
Thanks, man! I really tried with this one. I dunno, I was playing Mass Effect and, THWACK, the idea smacked me in the eye!
Wow, that was pretty good ! the personalities are spot on. Interractions between characters are really fun and believable.
And glad that it's not a renegade shepard ... boy that would have sucked if he had taken the scalpel.
Now for one minor complaints : transitions from place to place for the same person are a little confusing, for exemple when we go from twilight finding shepard to the explanation of his arrival, and what happened to the doctors restraining shepard ? Did legion kill them ? where is he ?
And also, WHERE IS TALI
51415
To answer the doctors, yes. Legion killed them. Now, for the confusing transition, that was a mistake on my part. Don't worry, the next chapter'll be a little bit better constructed. Lastly, sorry, no Tali. Unless... I may decide to bring her in, If I get enough people asking for her.
Erm... what?
I don't get it...
What we need is more Grunt....much more Grunt
51430
I hoped I'd given enough context... The Omega 4 Relay was made to stop the Collectors, a race of aliens working for the Reapers. The only way to stop them is to travel through it and attack. The Omega 4 relay was sabotaged, and sent them into Equestria.
51418
Meh, if you don't want Tali in your story i won't conplain, it's your tale.
But i would conplain about unecessary gore and death.
After all, in this universe ponys wage war using pies and anvils, how will they react to that kind of actions ?
But this IS tagged dark ...
Anyway, tracking.
51433
Maybe. Remember, not all of the crew or squad survived.
51437
Don't worry, no unnecessary gore and death until much later. Plus, the ponies won't be doing any of the action, except the few that meet the crew. They will die, but it won't be shown in vivid detail.
51441
Oh, no action for the ponies ? And here I was imagining the Harbinger getting a freaking pie to the face.
Bastard took half of my crew on my first play.
51418
Bring Tali in damnit! Bring them all in!
51441 Ahhhh... okay then...
I still don't get it!
Whatever.
pretty chill shity you have here mangg
keep going.
51469
51526
hehe, thank you
51472
I know this will sound mean, but...
GO WATCH A LET'S PLAY!
Just one problem I can see
Garrus can't eat Levo-acid food I.e food for humans, asari and I'm guessing ponies
It just passes right through him with no nutritional gain since Turians are Dextro based
Best case scenario, he will get a stomach cramp
Worst case scenario he will get an allergic reaction and die
51585
Luckily, I've come up with a solution.
51441 Wait, so are you saying that the ponies who meet the crew till die, or several, less important ponies? Or both, the Reaper underlings and the Normandy crew?
Also, I vote for Tali to appear.
51609
Yes that was kinda vague. I mean, the mane 6 get into the action, while several less important ones are 'used' by the Collectors. The Normandy crew were all killed in the crash, and so was some of the squad. And fine, I'll add in Tali.
AND THEN GARRUS DIED FROM THE NON DEXTRO ACID IN THE SOUP.
Also " the thermal clip upgraded to explode on contact." The thermal clips are just heatsinks built into the guns, the actual ammo is provided by a block of stone or metal which chips off in the size of grains of sand, and accelerated by mass effect fields.
And, WHERE IS GRUNT AND TALI?
Also, needs more renegade inteyrupts.
51627
Grah! I can't do EVERYTHING everyone wants! Lordy! Plus, I meant for that to say, "the ammo upgraded to explode on contact."
And Garrus wouldn't have died, the soup spilled out and never went down. Now, please allow me to run this my way.
51631
Why would he be so dumb to just eat it without thought, though?
51634
If you were an alien and haven't eaten for god knows how long, would you sit and examine food to make sure it wasn't right for you?
51639
But he didnt sit and examine it, well he did sit but he just went "herp i eat dis" nevertheless this is a good story.
51641
Mmkay, we've got this settled. But still, even if something were bad for me, if I were starving, I'd go, "HERPY DERP, I EAT DIS NAO"
51551 ... Rude.
Also... IDUNWANNA.avi
51643
What do you have planned for Legion? I hope he kills the Princesses with a viper while hanging upside-down on a rope a mile away with the only cover is an incredibly bright glare.
51647
Sorry hun, but it's not easy to explain everything in a short story, regardless of length. I can't just write down the whole story of the games, then write my story. Jeebus.
51650
He can attempt, but killing a goddess is not that easy. Plus, Shepard wouldn't allow for that. I need time to plot the story out, so expect something this weekend.
51654
This weekend? Like next weekend? It's sunday afternoon for me.
51654
This weekend? Like next weekend? It's sunday afternoon for me.
51656
Next.
51657
Awwwww D:
51658
Don't worry, I usually write it out on GDocs, then brush it up a little every night, then post it here. You'll see that it'll be worth the weight. *GABEN*
I love how most people won't get this. Playing both games myself, the references get to me quiet loud and clear.
I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it. To me, it just seemed a little too... bumpy and rushed. The transitions came out as rushed and unprovoked, switching between characters, without giving them the slightest hint of context. In my experience, the only person who can switch between persona that fast and have it amazing is Stephen King.
That said, the idea both intrigues me, and scares me at the same time. I love Mass Effect, and I love FiM, but to me, the two subjects integrated just... scratch too much. Not only is it another "Non-equines in Equestria" type deal, but just the fact that the two stories barely even mash at all throws me off. A lot.
To me, Joker's personality in this seemed to be slightly variant of the game (I guess that's what fanfics are about, eh?) and classifying the personality and appearance of Shepherd is difficult and abstract, seeing as you create you're own 'Shepherd' in your story mode. Where one might visualize a warm, welcoming smile, blue eyes, and golden locks, another thinks about a muscular, gruff, buzz cutted killing machine.
Not only his appearance, but tactics. Shepherd can go many different ways, as shown by the class system in the game, from saboteur to soldier to engineer. I can safely say that my first shepherd would have hidden, while my second shepherd would have grabbed the scalpel and waited for the door to open, (All though if it counts for anything, I thank god he shows some signs of paragon.)
The two stories just really throw me off is all. It's... decently written, but I'm not the greatest at catching grammar. (Pro tip, divide your paragraphs. Put
[hg]', and it should make a faint, horizontal line that symbols a new persona or chapter.
A couple more issues that jumped into my mind, but aren't huge. While no one was to know exactly what the Omega 4 relay was going to do, I certainly would not expect to go to Equestria. They don't seem like two different universes, but rather, two different planes of existence entirely.
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Science?
What? Do they even have ponies in space? My guess is shepherd might have seen a pony on earth (Depending on the chosen background,) but they would probably be... well... regular horses.
Also, just curious. If I recall the game correctly, this is staged at the end of ME2. Why the second? That just bothers me. There is a slim chance that people will get this reference, let alone the second in the series. That bothered me a little.
My thoughts and nit picking aside, you have yourself here some potential. While I, and some others, are not fond of Humans (Or any other non equine race (Damn alien races.)) in Equestria, you should keep writing. No matter what others tell you, if you enjoy writing this, then by all means, keep writing.
I'm sorry if it seemed like I was attempting a bash at your story, but I see so many comments on here, that it just makes me sad. To me, when I see a comment on my story, I feel happy. But when I see a large, thought out, constructive comment that helps me write, well... Jizzinmypants.mp3
comments are meant to help and to construct, and that's all I wanted to do, was to share my thoughts on the subject. Aside from my ranting, that's what I wanted to get across. Smoother transitioning, more fluent personality, etc, etc. Garrus stuffing his face with scolding soup doesn't suit him in my opinion. The ex C-sec officer drowned in red tape. I can see him taking his liberty with gusto, but not to the point of foalish behavior.
Being fair, I want to attempt to keep reading this as it comes out, but the thought of the Reapers or the Geth in Equestria just makes
Good luck, and god speed,
~Thundra
51662
It will be seven years in development?
t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRhyRYTYCYKGOICver9VgTlNn0txfo3uEbAwD61U-vdLMXVh9qxJw
Also, for future reference, Ignore Trill. He's just a precocious prick, and a bigot at that.
51664
You make me sad. But I will continue! It seems many like this so far, so I shall keep going! Plus, it hasn't been reviewed in the TG yet, so it's not fully refined.
51662 You wouldn't harm a LADY now would you?
*Raritywink.avi*
51664
Non equines in equestria are better than all of these horrible adaptions.
51687
Can you imagine a pony Garrus? Me neither.
51609 I'd still imagine Garrus would be experienced enough to make sure he actually could eat the food before he would.
51677
I make you sad? I'm sorry... that wasn't the intent of my comment. I was merely expressing myself. To me, the best comments are those that are constructive with a hint of negative. We learn from negative reinforcement more than positive reinforcement. It's just human nature! It also doesn't help that I'm a finicky reader. I'm sure people will love your stories, and there will always be those that don't. It's just a part of life. I just felt the need to articulate my thoughts on this into a coherent paragraph, explaining my reasoning behind it. I could have just as easily rated it 1/2 star, and left a comment that says "Sucks.", but I felt that to be unnecessary. I'm going to continue reading, and honestly, I admire your bravado for going for such a crossover. It must be rather difficult having to provide a decent Shepherd, when in reality, the Commander is what we make him. Keep writing if you love the subject, and screw those who tell you you're bad! I don't even think I should have the right to criticize your work. I have one fic up right now, and it's currently at a 4.1 star rating
My point is, keep on going, and I'm sorry if I made you sad
Good luck, and god speed,
~Thundra
51691
Can it wait for a bit, I need to do some NEIGHbrations.
51687 Trill, just shut the buck up.
51700
I'm a bigot? Seriously?
51700
Hey now, no fighting on my story. It clogs up my email.
So, should I send this to EqD? I think since it is so popular, itd be ready, but i need your opinions.