Out of the blue, a unicorn stallion falls from the sky through a crack in time and space ending up in a world that very much surprises him making new friends. Unfortunately, the dark past that he meant to leave behind follows him into the next world.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Great start! Give Me more now!
he's in the shits now
8383994
Ditto
Good start, only some grammar issues.
"That man saved my life just now!"
"That pervert tried to rape me a few days ago!"
"Black Ire of the eyes"? Do you mean Iris? Only, that would be wrong. There is the white portion or sclera, the colored portion or iris, and the black portion or pupil.
8432048
I meant to say pupil (since I was talking about the center black in one's eye), but nice catch.
My thoughts: Run, by Awolnation
Lol imagine when teleporting you kept the momentum you had before you teleported, your ending would have occurred right then and there, as a large scattered puddle of blood and splinters of bone.
Personally, I feel it's....a little rushed and I feel like there's some other story I don't know about that explains this character a little bit more. I understand the whole "show don't tell" mentality but I know so little about this character I get the impression he's a gary-Stu with the sudden power to rival nightmare moon where he instantly comes on top with no scratch and on top of that, he has a pure black mane, tail, and fur with red pupils. I like this story, a lot, it has all the things I love about a premise and I don't want this to come off as rude. But you need to just slow down a little, and either show us a flashback or just outright tell us (which I don't really approve of) so that we know SOMETHING about this guy other than his color, he's a unicorn, and that he has a sword he can bring out at will. I know this is as simple as going to the other chapters to figure more about him, but I almost left because I was given the impression of a Gary-Stu and a lack of background to go along with the lack of pacing in the first half of the first chapter. Anyways, that's my little rant done, please don't take this as me just hating the story. With that done, have a wonderful day!
9864466
Hello Low.
Yeah, I know the MC came off as a 'Gary Stu' in the first chapter, but that only happened due to my past experiences with this same character. (Both ideas around this same character were almost immediately deleted afterwards.) And by now that you have read this it looks very presentable compared to when I first pumped this chapter out. I was still not very experienced as a writer and combo editor at the time, and no one really pointed out really any sticking mistakes until I made this story series. (Couldn't really afford a editor, and there was no groups for editors when I made my early works.) (Any amount of feedback has been immensely helpful both good and bad.)
Anyway, the main reason for the vague description in this chapter and moving forward is really because there is a lot of backstory and a shit ton of developments that happened in his previous life that fitting it all in one chapter of expedition would just insult his character. Plus, letting meat roast on a fire makes the meat more tender than giving it semi-raw. (I also didn't want to give away everything I wanted to say about him right off the bat either.) Even the clues about his backstory are spread throughout the series mainly because most people are interested in the action rather than the background story. I wrote him in a way that his overall impact my seem not so much at first and makes him stick out as 'Gary Stu' material, but he's much more than he seems as the series progresses. He's one of those characters that just always as a mysterious vibe about him. And the color scheme was because it fit his personality better than pastel colors would. (Plus, color schemeing other colors together are not a strong suite of mine.) It's a bit generic in mlp stories, but that was a stereotype way before I put my story on the internet.
The whole purpose of this wall of text is to tell you I broke his adventures, on purpose, around Equestria and its own alternative universes into mini-ish parts to make things less confusing and easy to read instead of putting it all into one giant story with multiple arcs that may or may not make sense.
Now that was a mouthful. If I sound like I am trying to correct you, then I'll just like the clarify that is not the intention. I simply just like being honest about my growth in writing and potential character loopholes. Because, after all, I wrote this piece of work quite a bit ago. I would have never thought that this story would get as much attention as it did. Though, I'm glad you are liking the story so far! Besides, I always like answering questions and concerns in the comments section.
Not quite sure how I feel about this.
It starts off with him almost immediately after arriving running across a trio of timberwolves, and handling them like, well not quite an expert, but definitely not a rookie. I'll let that slide on account of MAYBE he has had extensive combat training in his back story. But stabbing one through the head with his horn? MAYBE, if we assume that the wood the wolves are made from are nearly rotten, and unicorn horns are a good deal stronger than typical bone, otherwise, have you ever tried driving anything into wood without use of a tool? I wanna see the video where someone straps a bridge nail to their forehead an headbutts it into a pine plank.
But before all this, it shows him noticing his "new black horn, mane, and tail". So I'm assuming that he was human only moments ago, and manages to figure out teleportation so quickly like it's a no-brainer? Seriously, I really don't see how successfully teleporting across the country can start with "Then it hit me, magic, I have a horn, so why not?"
Am I missing a previous story he was in that would explain his seeming familiarity with how magic works and ability to fight the timberwolves?
10235256
Thanks for the comment, Solana. To answer your first question, yes, I assume the timberwolves are made of weak wood. Mostly because a small rock could easily break them apart in the actual canon. Plus, if you haven't realized it, he did that not really thinking of the consequences, even though it didn't end badly for him, it was still a risky move like you said. Your second guess is right on the money, but I wrote it in this spot to skip to the chase to his experience in Equestria. Eventually, I'll explain parts of his experiences before ending up in Equis.