Applejack and Big Macintosh decide that making an incest foal is a good idea, but then find out just how very serious Equestria takes its laws against incest.
8338554 Well, glad you enjoyed. I'm not so sure if I'm gonna be writing more of this darker stuff, but this one just caught my interest so much as to rewrite it in my style.
8338582 Actually, both of those elements were from your story:
Meanwhile during the festivities down in the deepest part of the castle dungeons sat the former Princess Celestia. All her regal jewelry and crown were gone and she sat chained in a dark damp cell. The sounds of Luna's hoofsteps echoed through the hall as she walked to her sister's cell. She looked in at her sister who's scar along her stomach and abdomen where her reproductive organs were destroyed was still visible.
Celestia looked at Luna through the bars of the doors small window and said nothing. Ever since the truth was revealed she was turned back into her original earth pony form and locked in the dungeon to sit until she would be able to be forgiven. As a precaution Luna had Celestias voice muted as her torture was to be placed in special chambers...
- your story
Also, I'm glad you approve of my 'cleaner' version. I still gave that bitch Celestia her comeuppance!
8338605 I wanted to keep this story completely bloodless and gore free. Besides, I'm pretty sure having your wings, magic, and immortality taken from you, your existence being stricken forever from a society that once adored you, being denied having foals and heirs, and being imprisoned alone and mute for the rest of your life, is plenty of punishment.
Those two stories still give me a nightmare...until I'm not sure if I will be brave enough to read your version...Maybe it's because I love Celestia too much...
Everyone always have a reason to do a bad thing. But those story never said why Celestia made those laws. Why she alone make it become true. What make you hate incest so much until she made those cruel punishment...It's never tell. It's just she being bad for the sake of story.
8338868 That why it make me hurt to read...At least if everyone tried to learn the truth behide Celestia cruel laws and punishment against incest. What cause the cruel twist in her mind. Tragedy? Dark matter? Anything....Maybe we might have a better story if we have a true conflict like that.... A story that will lead to second chance and the true happy ending for everyone. Even for Celestia...
Hmm still lot of issues with this... The whole legal framework doesn't hold. Equestria isn't a constitutional monarchy... It started as a coalition, went to diarchy more or less absolute, became a de facto monarchy for a thousand years, went back to a diarchy when Luna reappeared. It's not said anywhere that she has to be accountable to anyone. Additionally you have the issue that you have a LOT of ponies that are okay with what was happening else you wold get either big upheaval or LOTS of people imprisoned and executed. More over... what the hell are the documents proving that she has grossly mismanaged the due process doing there? why are they not just ashes in the wind? who the hell recorded the result of the vote and managed to remain alive to get that archived under the nose of Celestia? And again EVERYONE just flips opinion on the word of a disgruntled incestuos mare that she has found incredibly damning papers just laying around and not believe to the Sacred Princess that has raised the sun since time immemorial and has more power in an hoof than most ponies have in their whole body... Then you have the issue that Celestia just comes peacefully... Leaving aside the bit about getting her back to an earth pony... that may be your personal alternate universe idea... but that is DEFINITELY against anything even remotely canonical Fundamentally it suffers from the same logical issues of the sequel before. It is definitely written better. The original story, as fuc*ed as it was, was quite self consistent, especially the jarring counter-position in Twilight behaviour made sense to reconcile the general tone of the show with the terrible things done in following that law... Here we have a different take on Twilight and that is also well characterized with the fugue in the rule list. But the rest of the framework doesn't really hold up.
The whole legal framework doesn't hold. Equestria isn't a constitutional monarchy...
Added 'Alternate Universe' tag.
...either big upheaval or LOTS of people imprisoned and executed.
I implied that anyone who publicly opposed her laws were either imprisoned or had 'accidents' like Passion's brother. Besides, the public has been brainwashed into this mindset for nearly a millennium.
what the hell are the documents proving that she has grossly mismanaged the due process doing there? why are they not just ashes in the wind?
An old lost archive Celestia overlooked perhaps? I shall add that.
And again EVERYONE just flips opinion on the word of a disgruntled incestuos mare that she has found incredibly damning papers just laying around and not believe to the Sacred Princess that has raised the sun since time immemorial and has more power in an hoof than most ponies have in their whole body...
Because they finally realized that the laws they've been following blindly in fear, and their views they have been told were right despite feeling in their hearts otherwise, for so long are actually horrible and finally feel the need to stand up and change it when someone highly especially loved and respected is at risk.
Then you have the issue that Celestia just comes peacefully...
She realized the jig was up, plus she was being physically restrained by half a dozen powerful guard ponies and didn't have use of her magic. In a situation like that, it's either give up or get beaten to a pulp until you can't resist. Or, y'know, magically incapacitated.
Leaving aside the bit about getting her back to an earth pony...that may be your personal alternate universe idea... but that is DEFINITELY against anything even remotely canonical
Forgot to add 'alternate universe' tag. Fixed.
Fundamentally it suffers from the same logical issues of the sequel before. It is definitely written better.
Well thank you. This is my first time writing anything like this, so the criticism is appreciated.
8338946 There is a problem there... A LOT of ponies are involved in applying those laws... and admitting that Celestia is crazy would mean admitting that also THEY are in the wrong. That's difficult. It may be that ponies behave quite differently from humans, but that alone would get up something of a civil war
To tell you the honest truth this version is far superior to headless rainbows version its a wonder I read the whole thing, once I finished it, I felt like upchucking my lunch incest may be questionable around the world but the punishment for that is just wack no joke its seriously messed up then you came along, I waited for something like this to happen, hoping against all hope LegionofPony, I tip my hat to ya mate, one brony to another very great work.
Well, glad you prefer my 'tame' version more, with a clopfic that's focusing more on the clop and the plotline (heh) instead of gore. I daresay I do too!
Well... I'll just ignore the second chapter and read the first and thried a bunch. I get that this was a different version of someone else's story... But holy fuck balls was this rage inducing.
8340429 Well, that's why I wrote it so that it could be read without any of the dark content. In future re-reads, just read the first chapter and the last portion of the third chapter (marked by page-searching for ~ ~ ~) if you just want the incest clop.
8338897 Missed this comment, sorry. They're all show-sized, Mac is just...very gifted in the girth department...and the everything department. But, you gotta wonder if it's a blessing or a curse when only one mare can fully take you.
8340667 Yes, but the thing is, the other mares he studded weren't related to him.
8340551 Yeah, yeah... I got all that, but I still wanted to see what the middle was all about. I knew what I was getting into and all that. I was more upset with all the characters and how they dealt with the situation.
8340994 Well, the thing is, being completely alone, imprisoned and hated for your whole life, even by your sister, is very punishing in itself. Not to mention seeing everything you've done in your life, all of your accomplishments, completely forgotten and forbidden from being spoken of. Your immortality and status removed, and unable to pass on your legacy to an heir. Yeah, I think that's pretty punishing.
Eh, my only issue with this is that I doubt it would be that easy to depose Celestia, legitimate cause or not. If Celestia was already having people killed over this, then I doubt simply getting caught would be enough to make her give up. While getting the jump on her the way they did here is believable, the trick would be KEEPING her locked up. She's been the head of the government for around 1000 years pretty much solo, whatever government model you think Equestria actually has, so I imagine she would have plenty of supporters, to the point where I would think that anyone willing to act against her would be in the minority.
Also, while I imagine that Twilight would realistically jump at any excuse to not have to go through with carrying out the punishment, if the law, fake or not, was ingrained enough in the population to the point where Apple Bloom would be unhesitatingly willing to turn in her own siblings, the public at large would probably be in favor of having it reinstated for real, with ponies like Passion viewed as perverted rabble rousers who're just angry that they got caught being degenerates.
So yeah, "realistically," Passion and Luna's actions might have spared AJ and Mac for the moment, I wouldn't see Celestia being out of power for long, and this time she'd be able to put the law into practice legally.
The hard 180 this story and every character in it took broke whatever believable characterisation it had to start with. All resistance and dispute that should have been put up in celestia's defense after centries of brainwashing, social stigma, and the fact that celestia herself seems to see herself as some sort of righteous crusader against perversion should place doubt in the legitimacy of the captain's proof no matter how damning, much less "suspicious 900 year old prison records" which could easily be doctored or falsified without some sort of bipartisan method of proving their legitimacy.
The best case i could have expected was a dramatic drawn out exchange between luna and celestia (by which could mean anything from an impromptu and possibly violent "debate" to a civil war) vying for the heart of the nation on the subject of sexual rights and liberties. Instead i got an all powerful corrupt ruler willing to turn to murder and deception suddenly just giving up the second she is caught without so much as a word in her defense and a multigenerational society of incest haters kinda just accepting the idea that their benevolent ruler is actually a monster and that they should be ok with that thing they've been taught to hate since childhood.
8367332 Don't forget interspecies breeders. Now that I think about it...
if incest and interbreeding and crossbreeding are illegal, would that also make homosexuality illegal in this setting? It's one of those things I felt was... ignored. On that note, do the Cake Twins exist in this twisted universe? There're about fifteen million ramifications from the whole "Penal Code 10, Section B" part that's left ambiguous as all hell, and none of them look good.
Other than that food for thought, you raise some more points about the story. Points that, once considered and applied to the story itself, leaves a lot to be desired.
Down in the deepest part of the castle dungeons sat, formerly Princess, Celestia. All her regalia was gone, smelted so nopony would ever know of her previous title of Princess again, her name struck from all records forevermore and forbidden to be spoken or written under severe penalty. She sat chained in a dark damp cell, before soon the sounds of Luna's hoofsteps echoed through the hall as she walked to her sister's cell. She looked in at her sister, seeing the ugly pink scar along her lower abdomen where her own reproductive organs were removed without anesthesia, then destroyed before her very eyes in repentance for those countless thousands she'd forced it on for hundreds of years.
Celestia hatefully looked at Luna through the bars of the door's small window and said nothing. She never did during her sister's brief daily visits, not that she could. Ever since the truth was revealed about her crimes, she had been forcibly turned back into her original, mortal Earth Pony form, the spell also stripping her of her immortality. She was to be locked in this dungeon until she finally left this mortal plane, knowing that all she would see for the rest of her limited days were these four walls with only silence as her company. As a precaution Luna had Celestia's voice muted, not allowing her to con her way out of her punishment. Her name was also stricken from all records, as well as her name being banned from ever being spoken again; essentially erased from Equestrian history. Sister looked at disowned sister for a while until Celestia looked away and Luna left. Celestia knew everything was her fault from the start, the loss of so much because of her old-fashioned ideals, and she accepted her punishment knowing that Equestria would be better off without her rule.
Wondering if it had actually been worth it in the end.
I'd have done this segment differently. I dunno, like something to the effect of this:
In the deepest pits of Canterlot's dungeon, one lonely little cell housed the formerly Princess Celestia. Her regalia had been torn from her body—smelted, insofar as she knew, and likely re-crafted to serve other purposes, ensuring that nopony would know of her former title. Not that she had need of the gold and gems that made said regalia anymore; under severe penalty, her name would never again blemish historical records or the spoken word amongst her once, long ago, subjects. Silence reigned in her small cell, with only a single door sporting a small barred-up window to keep her company that only exposed a small section of the stone-brick hall outside. She had chains to keep her in place, locked tightly around all four hooves and splaying them wide to expose an ugly pink scar that ran across her lower stomach—a result of being, effectively, spayed herself after she'd done so to so many countless other souls.
Solid steps, of metal clanging against stone, reached her ears and she turned all of her attention onto the lone window. Within moments, Luna trotted into sight and stared at her. Celestia narrowed her eyes ruefully, gazing back hatefully. Neither spoke a word, though Celestia wouldn't have been able to if she'd even tried. As a precaution, her voice had been muted, ensuring there'd be no way for her to con her way out of a rightfully deserved punishment. And even if she could somehow speak by some miracle, her crimes had already been laid bare for all of Equestria and beyond to see, so there was simply no point in trying.
Eventually, Celestia looked away, at the side of her stomach where, once, a proud white wing nestled opposite of the other. Her eyes then trailed up until they crossed to where, once, her proud horn stood—before her ascendance had been reversed, taking with it the senses of pegasus and unicorn magics. She caught sight of a greying pink mane, no doubt of age fast catching up to her. She turned to the door as, once again, stone met steel in steady claps that faded.
Luna had trotted away. Guilt welled up within Celestia, and she silently shed tears as her inner voice chided within the recesses of her mind, "It's all your fault now. Are you quite proud of yourself? Was it even worth it in the end?"
"Twi, ya were only doin' what th' law forced you to. What Celestia made you. You couldn't do anything else. Besides, like Ah said, we're completely unharmed." Applejack then forced a chuckle, "'Sides, th' air on my belly feels pretty good without all'a that fur in th' way."
Well doing the deed with your brother is wrong but still we have medicine and doctors for kids who were born to incest but twilight is not to blame here because she was following a law. But still twilight actually feels regret!
8338484
Celestia is to blame, not Twilight. She's simply a pawn in the game. Also...let's just say Celestia will get her retribution.
God dammit! these are some very dictator like punishments...
BTW i love the story hope to see more
8338554 Well, glad you enjoyed. I'm not so sure if I'm gonna be writing more of this darker stuff, but this one just caught my interest so much as to rewrite it in my style.
8338554
I gave him the permission to use that punishment for Celestia..........
Although the reproductive removal wasn't my bit......
Or the earth pony part......
8338543
Great job man. Honestly I can say you did way better than me when I wrote "Got what they deserved". Nice job
8338582 Actually, both of those elements were from your story:
- your story
Also, I'm glad you approve of my 'cleaner' version. I still gave that bitch Celestia her comeuppance!
8338594
Uh.......
Let me lool through my story qucik
8338594
You are right. I forgot that I wrote that part.
Although adding the razor wire and hooks would've added effect to her punishment
8338605
I wanted to keep this story completely bloodless and gore free. Besides, I'm pretty sure having your wings, magic, and immortality taken from you, your existence being stricken forever from a society that once adored you, being denied having foals and heirs, and being imprisoned alone and mute for the rest of your life, is plenty of punishment.
Those two stories still give me a nightmare...until I'm not sure if I will be brave enough to read your version...Maybe it's because I love Celestia too much...
8338617 I do adore Celestia's character too, but sometimes Tyrantlestia is interesting to depict too.
8338672
Everyone always have a reason to do a bad thing. But those story never said why Celestia made those laws. Why she alone make it become true. What make you hate incest so much until she made those cruel punishment...It's never tell. It's just she being bad for the sake of story.
8338773
I actually meant 9 centuries. Whoops.
8338814
These are horses we're talking about, remember this. But, you're probably right. Modified to 4" it is.
8338841
Sometimes, you just need a scapegoat for a story. The ones in power generally make a good one.
8338868
That why it make me hurt to read...At least if everyone tried to learn the truth behide Celestia cruel laws and punishment against incest. What cause the cruel twist in her mind. Tragedy? Dark matter? Anything....Maybe we might have a better story if we have a true conflict like that.... A story that will lead to second chance and the true happy ending for everyone. Even for Celestia...
So it's not like a happy ending to me here.
Hmm still lot of issues with this...
The whole legal framework doesn't hold. Equestria isn't a constitutional monarchy... It started as a coalition, went to diarchy more or less absolute, became a de facto monarchy for a thousand years, went back to a diarchy when Luna reappeared. It's not said anywhere that she has to be accountable to anyone.
Additionally you have the issue that you have a LOT of ponies that are okay with what was happening else you wold get either big upheaval or LOTS of people imprisoned and executed.
More over... what the hell are the documents proving that she has grossly mismanaged the due process doing there? why are they not just ashes in the wind? who the hell recorded the result of the vote and managed to remain alive to get that archived under the nose of Celestia? And again EVERYONE just flips opinion on the word of a disgruntled incestuos mare that she has found incredibly damning papers just laying around and not believe to the Sacred Princess that has raised the sun since time immemorial and has more power in an hoof than most ponies have in their whole body...
Then you have the issue that Celestia just comes peacefully...
Leaving aside the bit about getting her back to an earth pony... that may be your personal alternate universe idea... but that is DEFINITELY against anything even remotely canonical
Fundamentally it suffers from the same logical issues of the sequel before. It is definitely written better.
The original story, as fuc*ed as it was, was quite self consistent, especially the jarring counter-position in Twilight behaviour made sense to reconcile the general tone of the show with the terrible things done in following that law...
Here we have a different take on Twilight and that is also well characterized with the fugue in the rule list.
But the rest of the framework doesn't really hold up.
8338898
Spoilers below:
Added 'Alternate Universe' tag.
I implied that anyone who publicly opposed her laws were either imprisoned or had 'accidents' like Passion's brother. Besides, the public has been brainwashed into this mindset for nearly a millennium.
An old lost archive Celestia overlooked perhaps? I shall add that.
Because they finally realized that the laws they've been following blindly in fear, and their views they have been told were right despite feeling in their hearts otherwise, for so long are actually horrible and finally feel the need to stand up and change it when someone highly especially loved and respected is at risk.
She realized the jig was up, plus she was being physically restrained by half a dozen powerful guard ponies and didn't have use of her magic. In a situation like that, it's either give up or get beaten to a pulp until you can't resist. Or, y'know, magically incapacitated.
Forgot to add 'alternate universe' tag. Fixed.
Well thank you. This is my first time writing anything like this, so the criticism is appreciated.
8338885
Sometimes, like in real life, there is no happy ending for everyone.
Thumbs up for author who realised, that bringing gore to clopstory is a BAD IDEA!
8338965 Some people are into that. I'm not, and I don't get it either.
8338975
Yeah I once incidentaly crossed scat.
Thankfully the mental damage was big enough for my subconsciousness to suppress that memory.
8338946
There is a problem there... A LOT of ponies are involved in applying those laws... and admitting that Celestia is crazy would mean admitting that also THEY are in the wrong.
That's difficult.
It may be that ponies behave quite differently from humans, but that alone would get up something of a civil war
8339019
Gore can be reasonable... scat... ugh...nope.
8339019
Ugh....I don't like either, like the large majority I'm sure.
8339063
Well, there's another reason why ponies wouldn't want things to change. Because then THEM being in the wrong would also be brought to light.
8339064
I avoid both guro and scat actively.
To tell you the honest truth this version is far superior to headless rainbows version its a wonder I read the whole thing, once I finished it, I felt like upchucking my lunch incest may be questionable around the world but the punishment for that is just wack no joke its seriously messed up then you came along, I waited for something like this to happen, hoping against all hope LegionofPony, I tip my hat to ya mate, one brony to another very great work.
Have a like and a fave
8339483
8339484
Well, glad you prefer my 'tame' version more, with a clopfic that's focusing more on the clop and the plotline (heh) instead of gore. I daresay I do too!
Also, thanks for the like and the fave!
Yay!
Whoever wrote the story this is based on though needs immediate help. I am totally completely offended and stuff
Completed
Nuuuuuuuuuuuu
8339921 I know right! You should totally report them to an admin!
8339942 Yep, it's all nicely wrapped up I think, at least for this story.
8340057
Yeah
Well... I'll just ignore the second chapter and read the first and thried a bunch. I get that this was a different version of someone else's story... But holy fuck balls was this rage inducing.
8340429 Well, that's why I wrote it so that it could be read without any of the dark content. In future re-reads, just read the first chapter and the last portion of the third chapter (marked by page-searching for ~ ~ ~) if you just want the incest clop.
8338897 Missed this comment, sorry. They're all show-sized, Mac is just...very gifted in the girth department...and the everything department. But, you gotta wonder if it's a blessing or a curse when only one mare can fully take you.
8340667 Yes, but the thing is, the other mares he studded weren't related to him.
Celestia's punishment was far too kind...
8340551
Yeah, yeah... I got all that, but I still wanted to see what the middle was all about. I knew what I was getting into and all that. I was more upset with all the characters and how they dealt with the situation.
8338437
I see.
I just finished reading the story, and it's not bad.
8340994 Well, the thing is, being completely alone, imprisoned and hated for your whole life, even by your sister, is very punishing in itself. Not to mention seeing everything you've done in your life, all of your accomplishments, completely forgotten and forbidden from being spoken of. Your immortality and status removed, and unable to pass on your legacy to an heir. Yeah, I think that's pretty punishing.
8341549 Well, curiosity killed the Puss-puss and all that... :P
8341677 Thanks, glad you liked my first steps into the dark side of FIMFic. I doubt I'll ever go deeper than this though.
8342235
Well, I'm going to go darker when I write a dark rape/clop fic that is set in a prison. You did a good job.
8342235
...
I see what you did there...
8342261 Seems...like something I wouldn't like. :s
Rape is bad, mmk?
8342265
I'd like to see Celestia's trial, if possible. Not the aftermath, but how the jury reacted to her shenanigans before. And a motive, if at all.
Also... whatever happened to Twilight's foal? That was left alone.
Eh, my only issue with this is that I doubt it would be that easy to depose Celestia, legitimate cause or not. If Celestia was already having people killed over this, then I doubt simply getting caught would be enough to make her give up. While getting the jump on her the way they did here is believable, the trick would be KEEPING her locked up. She's been the head of the government for around 1000 years pretty much solo, whatever government model you think Equestria actually has, so I imagine she would have plenty of supporters, to the point where I would think that anyone willing to act against her would be in the minority.
Also, while I imagine that Twilight would realistically jump at any excuse to not have to go through with carrying out the punishment, if the law, fake or not, was ingrained enough in the population to the point where Apple Bloom would be unhesitatingly willing to turn in her own siblings, the public at large would probably be in favor of having it reinstated for real, with ponies like Passion viewed as perverted rabble rousers who're just angry that they got caught being degenerates.
So yeah, "realistically," Passion and Luna's actions might have spared AJ and Mac for the moment, I wouldn't see Celestia being out of power for long, and this time she'd be able to put the law into practice legally.
The hard 180 this story and every character in it took broke whatever believable characterisation it had to start with. All resistance and dispute that should have been put up in celestia's defense after centries of brainwashing, social stigma, and the fact that celestia herself seems to see herself as some sort of righteous crusader against perversion should place doubt in the legitimacy of the captain's proof no matter how damning, much less "suspicious 900 year old prison records" which could easily be doctored or falsified without some sort of bipartisan method of proving their legitimacy.
The best case i could have expected was a dramatic drawn out exchange between luna and celestia (by which could mean anything from an impromptu and possibly violent "debate" to a civil war) vying for the heart of the nation on the subject of sexual rights and liberties. Instead i got an all powerful corrupt ruler willing to turn to murder and deception suddenly just giving up the second she is caught without so much as a word in her defense and a multigenerational society of incest haters kinda just accepting the idea that their benevolent ruler is actually a monster and that they should be ok with that thing they've been taught to hate since childhood.
8367332 Don't forget interspecies breeders. Now that I think about it...
if incest and interbreeding and crossbreeding are illegal, would that also make homosexuality illegal in this setting? It's one of those things I felt was... ignored. On that note, do the Cake Twins exist in this twisted universe? There're about fifteen million ramifications from the whole "Penal Code 10, Section B" part that's left ambiguous as all hell, and none of them look good.
Other than that food for thought, you raise some more points about the story. Points that, once considered and applied to the story itself, leaves a lot to be desired.
I'd have done this segment differently. I dunno, like something to the effect of this:
Denying aspects of history is dangerous. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
Well doing the deed with your brother is wrong but still we have medicine and doctors for kids who were born to incest but twilight is not to blame here because she was following a law. But still twilight actually feels regret!