Act I:
"In Your Own Little World"
Chapter Three:
"Thunderstruck"
Rarity now stood in her bedroom, digging through her tremendous closet. Her was still bundled up in a towel, and she wore her favorite bathrobe as she had just stepped out one of her fabled three-hour showers. In her mouth was a burning cigarette, which caused a small cloud to follow her around.
After the call to Written Script, she had spent another hour in the lab, still trying to figure out the problem with the gem. However, even she had to admit she was at a dead end, and she had since moved on to try to figure out just the right dress for the conference.
Something nice and comfortable... she thought. Probably a good three hour flight to Griefenplatz anyways...wouldn’t want to ruin one of my silk dresses.
Her eyes scanned the dozens of dresses as she shuffled through them. She halted briefly on a flashy red dress.
“No...” she murmured. “Too clingy...” she quickly moved on to another dress, this time a blue one.
“No, that’s more of a winter color...” she thought aloud moving on the next one. After going through what seemed like an endless series of dresses, her eyes caught sight of a particularly ravishing dark purple dress and a navy blue dress as well.
“Hmmm...” she laid the dresses out on the bed, inspecting them. However, a knock at her door caught her attention. “Who is it?” she absent mindedly answered, still deliberating which dress would suit her better.
“It’s me, Script.” the voice said. “You decent?”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Yes, Script, I’m decent.”
There was a jingling sound and the door opened to reveal Written Script. He was carrying with him his ever present note pad.
“Well, you ready to go yet? Because I took it upon myself to call the airship pilot to get ready to go.” he said, glancing down at the notepad. Rarity nodded.
“Almost, just have to find the right dress is all,” she levitated the dresses off the bed and held them up for Written Script to see.
“Which one do you think? The purple one,” she levitated the purple one in front of her body. “Or the navy blue one?” she moved the navy blue one in front.
“Um...well...” Written Script stammered for a second. “Isn’t this a science conference? I mean most of the ponies there are going to be scientists right? Wouldn’t make sense you dress in something maybe a little more...” he paused and Rarity could tell he was trying to find the right words.
“Little more what?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, something a little more...subdued? Like a business suit or something?” Written Script asked.
Rarity raised an eyebrow, taking another look at the dresses. “Well...” They are a little flashy... she thought, noticing that the navy blue one had a strip of sequins that ran down it’s length and the purple one was rather...revealing...
“I guess you do have a point,” she finally said. “After all, we wouldn’t want these dresses to get dirty...” she chuckled, going back in the closet. “Celestia knows South Griffinheim is rather dusty...what with all those dirty griffins and diamond dogs and the like..” she continued, ignoring the fact that her voice was somewhat muffled by the door.
Written Script meanwhile, raised an eyebrow. “Um...Rarity. I was wondering, taking into account how violent it’s been over there recently, should you wear something protective? I mean just in case.”
Rarity leaned out of the closet, eyebrow raised. “What do you mean ‘something protective’? ” she pulled an elegant and simple black suit off the coat hanger and lay it on the bed, smiling in approval.
“Well, yeah, but everypony knows that they only just became a republic. And what about those news reports? You saw them. It’s pretty nasty over there...” Written Script replied, his voice worrisome.
Rarity simply rolled her eyes. “Oh don’t be such a worry wort, Script. Just because some crazy kooks with funny names are running around shooting into the sky, doesn’t mean there’s anything major to worry about...” she caught sight of Written Script’s face. He looked legitimately concerned.
Rarity sighed. “Look, Script, I’m fairly sure that they will provide security at the conference...” she said, putting a confident hoof on his shoulder. “But, if it makes you feel better, I’ll play along and wear something underneath. Alright?”
Written Script shrugged. “Well, you don’t have to wear something underneath. it was just a suggestion. But I’d prefer if you did.”
Rarity nodded. “Well, as long as you don’t rub it in, I’ll do it.” she answered. Written Script nodded.
“Alright then. I’ll tell the security stallions to get you something.” he said, turning to walk out of the room. “I’ll give you some privacy now. Celestia knows I’m not going to stay and watch you primp your mane for an hour...” he chuckled sarcastically as he walked out.
“Ha-ha, very funny.” Rarity deadpanned, smiling in spite of herself as she closed the door behind him, before turning to sit at the vanity on the opposite side of the room from her bed. Putting out the now dwindled cigarette out in the ashtray so she could focus on her make up. Her eyes drifted absented mindedly towards the television that was mounted on the wall, facing towards her bed, above the vanity to the left.
Hmm...I wonder... she thought as she opened a draw of the vanity and pulled a small television remote and a new cigarette. Flicking on the television and setting the cigarette alight, she switched over to the news channel, Written Script’s mention of the news having piqued her curiosity.
“...And in international news, security is at an all time high in Griefenplatz, the capital city of South Griffinhiem, where there is scheduled to be an international science conference is due to be held tomorrow evening. The conference, arranged by billionaire industrialist Bruce Mane and military contractor Fancy Pants, along with some of Equestria’s brightest minds and innovators, is intended to help bring the recently liberated country up to date on modern day technology and sciences, which the struggling nation has had trouble catching up with during the former regime. Sources say that among the luminaries of Equestrian science and knowledge will be well known astrophysicist Dr. Time Turner, roboticist and technological genius Rarity Belle...”
Rarity smiled slightly at the mention of her own name, always loving the sound of it. The report continued on, the reporter droning on in a monotone.
“...biochemist Sweetie Drops and many more. Local authorities insist that security is their first and highest priority, and that nopony need fear any disruption by the local rebel forces or the remaining forces of the original dictatorial government.”
Rarity sighed confidently. See Script. Just being paranoid. She thought, smiling as she unwrapped the towel and adjusted her mane. She paused, as a knocking at the door attracting her attention.
“Ergh...come in...” she called out, returning her attention to the mirror and continuing to adjust her mane. She looked up to the mirror to see the door open, revealing Written Script, carrying what looked like a small, lightweight plastic vest.
“Got the vest Rarity.”
“That fast? What did you do, teleport to them?” Rarity asked, honestly surprised at the speed he had been able to get the vest.
“No,” Written Script answered. “But one of the security guys did, so he just teleported it over.”
“Well, thank Celestia for magical mail transportation yes?” Rarity chuckled, concentrating on applying her fake eyelashes.
“Yeah...” Written Script replied, his voice sounding somewhat distant. Rarity looked at him in the mirror and raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t worry Script. I just saw the news myself. I don’t think anything will happen.” she stood up, finally satisfied with her makeup. She walked over to Written Script and took the vest from him. She trotted to the bed and levitated the suit as well and trotted towards the folding screen that was always tucked in the right hand corner of the room.
“Now, remember, whatever you do, make sure that you to keep Sweetie Belle out of the workshop, my bedroom, the kitchen, the backyard, the--” she paused, and peaked out from behind the folding screen for a moment. “On second thought, just make sure she only stays in the living room or the guest bedroom. I don’t want her screwing around with my stuff.”
Written Script nodded. “Alright then. Would you like me to hoof cuff her to the couch as well?” he asked sarcastically. Rarity narrowed her eyes.
“Don’t give me any ideas. just promise to keep her occupied Mr. Script.” she stated plainly. Written Script nodded.
“Sure thing Ms. Belle.” he replied, his voice still carrying some of the playful sarcasm from before.
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Please don’t call me that. Makes me sound old.” she responded, stepping out from behind the folding screen to reveal herself clothed in the business suit.
“And voilà!” she chimed. “‘All dressed up and ready to go’ as they put it.” she started towards the door and was about to step out when Written Script called out to her.
“Rarity, you forgot something.” Rarity turned to see him holding her phone aloft in his magic.
“Ah, yes, thank you Script.” she chimed, taking the phone from him and tucking it in her suit.
“You’re welcome, Rarity,” he replied as the two unicorns walked out of the bedroom, with Written Script closing the door behind him. As soon as they entered the living room, Rarity noticed the conspicuous absence of Sweetie Belle.
“Script, where’s Sweetie Belle?” she asked, not out of any great concern, but more the fear that the little filly might have scuttled off, ready to cause some sort of chaos.
“I put her to sleep.” Written Script responded. “She got burned out after jumping up and down singing along to ‘Cutesy Cutey Cutey-Cute Time’.”
Rarity stopped in her tracks and looked towards the couch in fear. She opened her mouth to speak when Written Script cut her off.
“Don’t worry, I made sure she did it on the floor.” he responded, and Rarity let out a relieved sigh.
“Thank Celestia. What would I do without you Script?” she chuckled, walking to the door and unlocked it.
“Go insane, most likely.” Written Script shrugged. The two stepped outside to see the limousine already parked and waiting.
“Evening Miss Belle.” The driver said, magicking the door open.
“Evening Hobbes.” She replied, stepping inside the vehicle.
“Remember to stay safe!” Written Script called out as the door closed. Rarity nodded.
“Oh of course darling. Adeu!” And with that, Hobbes closed the door, and started back to the front, tipping his cap to Written Script. He stepped inside and the vehicle revved to life and drove off into the night.
////////////////////////////////////
After an airship flight that felt as if it would never end, and a rather dull drive over in a armored truck, Rarity arrived at the conference. The elegant music wafted through the air, as she made her way to the bar. She figured that she would at least get a quick drink before hobnobbing. At the bar sat a handsome light blue earth pony in a black suit.
“Good evening Bruce. Interesting event you’ve managed to arrange.” Rarity said, motioning to the waiter for a drink.
“Thank you Miss Belle.” Mr. Mane replied, taking a sip of his ginger ale. Rarity always thought it odd that he never had any actual alcohol at these events. Celestia knows she always made sure to try the bar.
“I hear things are going well in Fillydelphia…” she said, trying to keep up conversation. Mr. Mane nodded slightly, maintaining his aura of disinterest.
Like talking to a painting. Rarity thought. A few moments of awkward silence passed before another earth pony appeared and started talking to Mr. Mane. Something about missing Kevlar suits or something. Mr. Mane simply shrugged and made his way to the rest of the crowd, with the earth pony in tow. Rarity's focus returned to the bartender, a rather thin griffin who now stood in front of her.
"Vhat vould you like ma'am?" he asked, his voice thick with a South Griffinhiem accent. Rarity thought for a moment.
"I'd like a martini. You do have those here am I right?" she asked, her eyes drifting around the various scientists that milled about, all jabbering among themselves.
The griffin nodded. "Ja, ve do."
Rarity smiled. "Good. Then get me a vodka martini on the rocks if you will."
"Yes ma'am," the griffin bartender replied nicely, turning to get Rarity her drink. This left Rarity alone at the bar, mulling over her gem design. Her eyes continued to scan the crowd, with her mind's attention focused on two matters: her gem design and the possible solution for its problem, and where in Celestia's name Fancy Pants was.
Where is that stallion? I thought he said he would be here... She thought, still scanning the crowd. Her search proved fruitless, as she couldn't spot him among the rainbow of other ponies. Frustrated by this, she turned back to the table, her mind refocusing on her gem problem.
How do I fix that stupid gem? she wondered, noticing a smile pile of napkins resting on the bar nearby and she levitated them over and pulled a pen out of her suit pocket, and set about hammering out calculations. In the background, one of the presenters, a brown earth pony with a hourglass cutie mark, rambled on about the research he was doing on cosmic rays and their potential uses.
Her phone rang, distracting her from her calculations. A quick glance at the phone told her it was Written Script. She grumbled in annoyance and left the phone alone. The bartender arrived with her drink and set it in front of her.
“There you go. Vodka martini on the rocks, Frau.”
Rarity took the drink without another word and took a gulp. The bartender turned to leave as an announcement came over the PA system announcing the next presenter.
“...thank you very much Dr. Turner. A round of applause everypony!” There was the obligatory sound of applause as the doctor nodded and stepped down from the podium to sit with a gray blonde pegasus. The applause died down slightly as the master of ceremonies stepped up to the podium. “And now, to give a presentation on the recent advancements in robotics, the esteemed Rarity Belle!”
Rarity smiled smugly at the sound of her name and she levitated the drink and started towards the podium. She shook hooves with the master of ceremonies, thanking him as she stepped up on the podium.
"Thank you very much," she spoke into the microphone, smiling as the crowd continued its applause. "No, no, you're all much too kind."
The applause died down and the audience returned to their seats. Rarity smiled once more and cleared her throat.
"Well, thank you very much for the ecstatic reception, my fellow scientists. Now, I sadly have not provided a speech for this evening, so I offer my sincerest apologies if I seem uninteresting," there was scattered chuckling from the audience as she discreetly reached into her business jacket to pull out a pair of red reading glasses. "I do, however, have enough knowledge at my disposal to make due without a pre-prepared speech. Now, we are gathered here today in this..." she paused, searching for the right term to describe the rather ramshackle township that she had seen on the ride over. "...wonderfully exotic country to help bring them out of the darkness of the past and into the light of the future. Now, I understand that several premier South Griffinhiem scientists are attending, am I correct?”
Some scattered agreements greeted her ears and Rarity smiled.
“Alright then! Excellent. If you are willing, I shall then, instead of boring you all with a pedantic speech, bless you all with any knowledge you might want to know about the simply wondrous world of robotics.” she said, to the applause of the audience.
“So, shall we begin?”
“Um yes!” a high voice piped up. Rarity looked to see a pale blue unicorn as thin as a rake standing up with his hoof raised.
“Ah, yes, and you would be?” Rarity asked, smiling.
“Um..er...I’m Dr. L-Light Bright.” He stammered, pushing his glasses up his nose.
Rarity’s smile faded slightly. This was a hard core nerd if she ever saw one.
“Well, Dr. Bright,” she answered, doing her best not to snicker aloud at the unicorn pony’s hopelessly ridiculous name. “What is your question?”
“W-well, I was wondering, if it were possible for one to harness light for energy and-”
“Well dear, I’m sorry to break it to you, but energy makes light, not the other way around.” Rarity chuckled, causing everyone else to look at the doctor with eyebrows raised.
“True, but there’s still the electrons in the light itself. My question was if one could harness the actual electrons and possibly produce energy from the very light itself.”
Rarity shrugged slightly. “Well, I suppose so yes. But why would somepony want to do that?”
“Well, why would someone want to take gems and infuse them with power? I mean they aren’t even supposed to conduct electricity.” Dr. Bright replied, seemingly having gained a massive dose of confidence.
Rarity huffed. “Well, Dr. Bright, you do forget that I cast a special patented spell in order to make the gem able to contain said electricity.” she replied, doing her best to smile in spite of herself.
“Well, I’ve seen your mathematics, and I’d like to point out that several times your calculations were unable to work outside of a perfect laboratory environment.” Dr. Bright replied.
Rarity narrowed her eyes. “And I would love to know where you read that little piece of information.”
“I didn’t read it anywhere I did the calculations myself. I tried it on one of the gems you use, and it failed to maintain any power. It simply exploded.”
“Well aren’t you just a shining example of science. Have you been able to repeat your experiments asides from that one time?” Rarity asked, her brow furrowing and a grim smile crossing her face as she could see him lose all that confidence almost instantaneously.
“Well-I-um...” Dr. Bright stuttered, obviously at a lost.
“Did you?” Rarity pressed. No answer. “No? I thought not. And, if you must know, the spell I use is of my own making, and not one you can just dig up at the local university library. And, if you’ll notice, its my company that most likely provided the engine for the vehicle you drove here today, since, to my knowledge, eighty-six percent of Equestrian engines are powered by variants of my gem powered designs. So, in conclusion, one should not be hasty to criticize me, or my math, which, might I mention, is always correct, when I am quite capable of matching wits with any other intelligent scientist in this room. Unlike you.”
With that, she leaned back from the microphone and smiled contently. Dr. Bright meanwhile, sat back down, blushing furiously.
“Now that we’ve settled that, are there any other questions?” Rarity asked, as the crowd shot up their hooves, all eager to ask their questions.
////////////////////////////////////
Light Bright sat down at his table, completely humiliated. He had managed to finally overcome some of his massive anxiety issues only to be shot down in front of more than two hundred fellow scientists.
Stupid arrogant mare... he thought bitterly, crossing his arms. Out of the corner of his eye, he could spot one of the scientists whispering to another one sitting next to him, and the two of them snickering quietly, occasionally pointing a hoof towards him or looking at him. Dr. Bright simply shifted in his seat, looking back towards the alabaster unicorn on the podium, who was answering another scientist’s question.
In the background he could hear Dr. Time Turner asking about the gems. Light Bright’s ears perked up at this.
“Miss Belle, on Dr. Bright’s question.”
Rarity could be seen to look mildly annoyed. “We’re still on that? I thought we all saw the flaw in his argument good doctor.”
Dr. Turner nodded. “Well, I will be the first to admit that Dr. Bright’s methods for testing the gems were flawed, but he does still raise an interesting question.”
“Really? What is that Dr. Turner?” Rarity asked.
“Well, one could possibly use vibranium as a storage device for the gem? Thereby, when the gem has the proper enchantments, it wouldn’t overwhelm the energy conducting spells enacted on the gem, which is most likely the cause of the aforementioned malfunctions. All one would need to do is figure out a way to make sure that the extra energy created by the vibranium goes into whatever needs to be powered, and not the gem. Wouldn’t that be a way to create the same effect as your own spell, if not better?”
Dr. Bright facepalmed. Why didn’t I say that damn it. he thought bitterly. He could hear Rarity respond.
“Actually Dr. Turner, that is a very legitimate theory, since any energy created by the gem-enhancement spell would go into the vibranium, which will just keep absorbing it and replicating it endlessly. Of course, vibranium is very hard to come by, so until we have a quick, efficient way to create vibranium in Equestria, and not have to import it from places like Zebrica, we’re at a stand still...” she paused, chuckling slightly. “Except for me of course.”
Dr. Bright, meanwhile, was already jotting the information down on a napkin, a plan for a device of his own formulating in his mind.
Call me an idiot will you? he thought, smiling as he saw his design coming together. We’ll see who’s the idiot soon enough...
////////////////////////////////////
Rarity now sat in the back seat of the armored truck, idly playing a game on her phone. After her own time in the spotlight of the convention, she had made her way straight back to the bar, and returned to passing the night away. Anything to stave off boredom. The suggestion of using vibranium to solve the gem problem was on her mind, but she had decided to wait until she was able to get her hooves on vibranium before she fully committed her brain to the problem.
"Um, excuse me, uh, Miss Belle?" A voice said. Rarity turned reluctantly to see one of the stallions who had been tasked with security looking at her expectantly.
"Yes, whatever do you want?" She asked, not even trying to mask her disinterest.
"Well, is it true that you once got so drunk that you accidentally splashed oil all over General Iron Will?" He asked, a hopelessly fanboyish expression on his face.
Rarity rolled her eyes. Seriously? Thats the only question this plebeian has? She thought.
"If I told you 'yes', would you stop talking?" She said, grumpily.
"Um...I guess..." The colt replied, sounding very dejected. Rarity simply shifted in her seat in order to be more comfortable and looked out the window, idly watching the desert of South Griffinhiem passing outside her window.
Her mind had started to wander back towards her gem problem when her phone rang again. A quick glance down at the screen of the phone told her it was Fancy Pants.
Hmm...whatever would he want? She wondered, remembering the oddity of the fact that she hadn't seen neither hide nor tail of him at the conference. She picked up the phone and answered.
"Hello Rarity, how did it go?" Fancy Pants asked, sounding curious.
Rarity shrugged reflexively, even though she knew he couldn't see it. "Fine Fancy. Just fine. Say what kept you? I expected you to be there, not leave me alone there at that boring affair."
"Oh that? Well...something unexpected came up is all. I would have come but as it turned out, I was needed elsewhere." Fancy Pants answered. Something told Rarity that his tone was...off for some reason, but she couldn't quite nail it down.
Probably just tired, she thought, reminding herself of the fact that Canterlot was at least a day behind South Griffinhiem, timezone wise. Its probably four in the morning in Canterlot right now anyways...
"Well alright then," Rarity answered, feeling somewhat gypped.
"Well, enough about me, Rarity, what about you? How did it go for the glorious and fabulous Rarity Belle?" Fancy Pants asked.
"As well as could be expected. I told you that I find these conferences a bore you know." Rarity replied. She could hear Fancy Pants scoff on the other side of the phone.
"Oh Rarity, you really have to get out more. You're alone too much." He replied, sounding as if he were a guru giving out some kind of deep insight.
"I go to parties every night and have a live in assistant and somehow that means I'm alone?" Rarity asked, eyebrow slightly raised.
“Oh you know what I mean.” Fancy Pants answered. “Well, it seems things went well? Well, that’s a relief. Good night then.”
“Good night Fancy.” she said, hanging up the phone. There was an awkward pause as she noticed the security guards all looking at her.
“What?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. The guards all shifted their attention back out their respective windows.
Weirdos. Rarity thought. Can’t wait to get home and start work on that gem. Get away from these...ruffians the thought of home, however, only reminded her a certain little white filly that was waiting for her.
Ugh, I totally forgot...Sweetie Belle.... she rubbed her temples in frustration, the very idea of having to share a house with that little imp for two days giving her a headache. All the filly did was cause trouble. She’d ask for water when she obviously didn’t need it. She’d rummage around, touching things she shouldn’t. She’d stick her head through the bedroom door at the absolute worst possible moments, always mis-shelving Rarity’s DVDs, and the absolute worst thing was constantly telling her what Mother thought about Rarity’s actions.
Rarity’s gripping however, was interrupted by a sudden explosion of noise and fire that sent the vehicle she was in tumbling onto it’s side, sending her and all the passengers inside flying. Next thing she knew she was enveloped in a wild storm of gunfire, shouting, screaming and explosions. Rarity’s head was swimming as another explosion rocked her world, sending hundreds of pieces of razor sharp metal flying everywhere. Her ears were ringing, making it hard to tell if the screaming was her own or that of the wounded ponies around her.
She saw nothing but more smoke, this time coming from the bottom of the vehicle. A quick touch of the metal body of the car told her that whatever was causing the smoke was nearby, as the metal body felt as if it had just come out of an oven. A strange burning smell burned her nostrils.
Is that...gas?! she thought, instantly recognizing the smell of burning fuel. I’ve gotta get out of here! She thought, trying to clamber out of the vehicle, since the idea of being trapped inside that metal time bomb certainly unattractive. She crawled out of the car and let out a sigh of relief. The open air around her was a wonderful sight. However, another loud explosion of gunfire caught her attention and she started to clamber low along the ground, hoping that whoever was doing the shooting couldn’t see her.
She clambered behind a rock and hunkered down, her body seized in panic. She shot a hoof into her jacket and felt for her phone. Nothing.
Oh that’s just perfect! Getting attacked by maniacs and NOW is when I can’t find my phone?!
A high pitched whistle caught her ears and she looked to see a large bullet shaped chunk of metal impact the ground two feet away from her. It was obviously some kind of bomb. The projectile then started beep loudly, as if a timer were going off. She bolted to her hooves in an attempt to distance herself from the bomb.
Oh shi- she thought as the beeping ran out and a blinding flash of light filled her vision, sending her flying backwards at least ten feet. She slammed to the ground, her chest feeling as if someone had ripped it open. A quick glance down at her chest showed a pool of red forming under her suit. She ripped away at the suit, tossing away the expensive fabric in a panic, revealing the protective vest Written Script had given her. It was soaked in blood as well, and obviously punctured in several places.
Her stomach twisted at the sight and she felt incredibly dizzy as her vision started to fade out. It was as if someone were pulling a curtain over her eyes and everything was enveloped in a curtain of blackness.
is Light Bright suppose to be Hammer or Whiplash?
2839764 All shall be revealed...just watch and see.
Also do take note that in the comics, Justin Hammer is actually very, VERY smart, and not the bumbling buffoon seen in Iron Man 2.
So you're not just mixing MLP & Marvel, but tossing DC into the mixer as well?
That will either work well or cause your fanfic to crash.
2839987 well, for one thing, its not all going to combine in one fic just yet. This is very much a long term project, with Phases and everything. So first, I establish the universe over the course of Phase One, and then during Phase Two, start expanding and then in Phase Three expand even more. Its always going to be expanding and growing. I know for a fact that anything featuring Batpony won't be done until I've gotten everything solidified.
Bright sounds like Hammer
2854099 thanks! And I will say though, while I LOVED Tony in The Avengers, I do feel he might have stolen the show a tad too much, since we still had Thor and Loki's dynamic and that fact that Tony had two other movies before this one, while everyone else had one.
2854153 oh don't worry, Rarity will learn her lession.
Its the central crux of the story after all.
Well, that was unexpected. Well, not really, but still.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
2854225 thanks! I hope you like my other stories set in this universe.
Mainly because I now have to update everything else I always write one chapter at a time for each story, so that way I have a roughly consistant update pattern.
Personally, I think it might be better to largely stick with the Marvel universe and just leave the "Bruce Mane" as a cute reference.
It's been a while since I read the original version of this story (and I thank you for keeping it up somewhere rather than taking it offline entirely in case anyone wants to see it in its original form), but from what I read of it my reaction was "great ideas, but the execution needs work" which was why I stopped reading it midway through. I'd have to go back and re-read it to really compare, but based on my memories I'd have to say the execution is (so far) better this time around.
2863403 well, in regards to the execution, yes, I will be the first to admit that the execution was terrible in the original
And I guess my inner fanboy won out over everything else inregards to Bruce Mane...go figure
2874295 I guess its just a hiccup. I actually have no idea why I use those words so much I should really start using the thesaurus.
But, asides from that, thank you very much for liking it.
2874295 I guess its just a hiccup. I actually have no idea why I use those words so much I should really start using the thesaurus.
But, asides from that, thank you very much for liking it.
2875133
Well no, it's just here you hick up really badly. Sure in your earliest works of Flutterhulk you relied on the word suddenly, which was aggravating as you showed me the damages (I thought people exaggerated the damages it did to my work using the words '-ly' until I saw it hurt your work). Before anyways you weren't this repetitive that it's almost like you caught the hiccups when writing this.
And no probs, your writing is great.
2875390 probably because some of this is reused from the original (both to save time and because certain passages of the original were quite good). That probably explains the hiccup problem.
I'll probably avoid using too much of the old one here, if only because the story is different.
2875443
That'll explain then, but again good work.
2875482 welcome. I suggest you read Soar next, since its co-written by one of the best writers I know, a-phoenix-in-avalon (the fact that she's my sister has nothing to do with her talent, she truly is gifted). Also, that contains some of my most verbose prose, since my sister tends to write very verbosely, and that means, in order for our styles to mesh better, I have to consciously write more verbose.
It also helps that I recently read The Great Gatsby, and F. Scott Fitzgerald's style really rubbed off on me. God that book was amazing.
In other news, thanks for the fave on Iron Mare. Also, be honest, what do you think of Pearl Belle, Rarity's mom?
2863430
Well, after some more thought, I think my bigger issue with the idea of trying to make a "Batpony" is that the Bruce Mane character is an OC. Now obviously, OCs are fine, but the big appeal of something like Harmony's Warriors so far is to see the MLP characters in the role of the Marvel characters, ranging from the major (for example, in Soar, Rainbow Dash is Thor, Trixie is Loki, Celestia is Odin) to the side characters (Flitter/Soarin/Spitfire/Cloudchaser taking the place of Thor's friends). While having some more minor characters be OCs is perhaps required due to the fact that (despite the large cast) there is a finite number of characters from MLP, if you're planning to have someone as iconic as Batman be an important character in the story, it seems to me it would deserve an actual MLP character taking their place rather than an OC.
"Bruce Mane" doesn't bother me if it's just an occasional fun reference, but I just feel that if the plan is for "Batpony" to have a more major role, it should be someone from the show.
2878951 well, in my defence, Bruce Mane is an actual background character.
Here's a picture of him:
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111221132526/mlp/images/7/76/Bruce_Mane_S1E26.png
Trust me, I have the exact same feelings about OCs. Obviously, some characters (like Laura Kinney, aka X-23) are going to be OC's due to their backstories (Laura Kinney being a female clone of Wolverine. Really long story) but I do try to avoid them where possible. If I can have a Marvel character be an actual MLP character, I do so. If I do use an OC for a Marvel Character, its usually a villain. Like with Light Bright.
2894894 EPICSAUCE
What would you do with an Iron man suit?
2924940 I would use it to fly around and have fun most likely...
2925035 Tell the truth...
2925138 No seriously. That's probably what I'd do.
Out of all the characters you've introduced Avenging Hobbit, I finally found one I hate... Written Script. Doubt it's anything to do with you though, it's more to do with his role thus far, he's a mascot character. I just naturally hate those characters, regardless. Probably the thugs that you killed off in Flutterhulk, as they've probably been your only 2D characters thus far (Well they were pretty stereotyped and can't imagine anything else about them but they're thugs). Focusing anyways not saying you need to do anything with Written Script, but if I make any shots at the character... it's probably because I biasly dislike him. He does die in the series right? As in he gets strapped to a rocket, shot off to the moon and then the moon explodes, because that would be great .
I will say he is essential as he does serve the contrast at how Rarity needs a character like him at the moment. Just like Tony and Pepper (Which I am gathering that Written Script is Pepper and Rhodey)... Still dislike Written Script for his role, but this is a good thing as it shows how identifiable your characters are and readers like me are able to pick out which characters we like or hate, not for how you've written them, but like another living being. Hopefully that makes sense.
Its another great addition anyways and I do want to see how you handle Rarity going from this to a heroine, or how you handle her as a heroine (I'm not spelling heroine right am I? I'm spelling something else.).
Anyways got a list of things I wanted to bring up.
folding screen that was always tucked in the right hand corner of the room. This is just nitpicking, fussy, obsessing or whatever. But I would've rather you used right hoof over right hand. You can probably imagine why.
and have a live in assistant I guess you didn't type this correctly or I'm just reading this wrong.
sending her flying backwards at least ten feet. I think we've been over this before, but using exact measurements in a chaotic action, loses the chaotic action, it's like the character got out a tape measure because she was interested to see how far she flew back.
Great work anyways, now I have to wait for you to post something here next. Now to read Soar, looking forward to that for far as I understand it has my second favourite pony, Trixie (Couldn't you tell?), our egos almost match. So apologies if I get fanboyish whilst reading it. Sorry I also took a while to read this 3rd chapter, was getting distracted quite a bit.
2939001 No I totally understand. Some people just don't like certain people. I have an incredible loathing for one of my ten year old brother's friends who constantly drops by. I mean I really HATE him. Hate-Him-So-Much-I-Want-To-See-Him-Catch-Ebola-And-Die level hate. So I'm in no way going to hold that against you.
I feel Written Script is a necessary piece of the puzzle (someone who Rarity knows that can help her change for the better, just like Pepper), but I can see why you might find him 'token'.
And remember as you're reading Soar, that it sticks relatively close to the 2011 movie (with some changes here and there) and that it's co-written by my incredibly talented sister a-phoenix-in-avalon, with some additional help from my good friend Invincible-Iron-Brony. Mainly because my sister LOVES Loki. I'd say that my sister's writing is much, MUCH more verbose and stream-of-consciousness style then mine. She's a big fan of big words and fancy stile of speech. Which of course works for a character like Thor.
Wait...Time Turner is talking about COSMIC RAYS. Does this mean what I think it means?
Also nice to see that Wakanda is represented in this universe. Will Zecora show up as the Black Panther?
Bruce Mane, you put Batman's alter ego in this.
Light Bright makes me think of Dr. Light from Teen Titans.
Am I on track here?
Very nice, very nice indeed... can't wait for Rarity to stop being quite ego-centric after her near-death experience. Not that the story hasn't been enjoyable so far, it's just that'll certainly be a welcome bit of character development to see.
Cool. Will we be seeing more of Batpony later down the line, like in Phase 2 or 3, or will he just appear in other stories as a side character?
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How dare you?
Is Light Bright supposed to be the Mandarin? (I can't say I remember much of the first Iron Man, but Mandarin became the way he was because he was snubbed by Tony)
Bruce Mane? Now why does that sound like a pun of a DC universe character I know of? Hmm... But all in all it's good to see the Dark Knight make an appearance. I like to see iron mare vs the dark knight story.
And I guess when you say Fancy Pants is military it's because he's Tony Stark's friend who appears in Iron Man 2
Not a huge comic fan myself. Saw Light Bright and thought of Dr. Light from Rockman. XD
That wasn’t even subtle.
Also I imagine the mobile game Rarity was playing when sh** hit the fan was Angry Birds.