You're doing good so far. Keep it up.

Hm. Not bad. I think I'll keep an eye on this one.
You may want to mark it as incomplete if you're planning to do more.

8285390
Thanks for that! Just changed it. Originally planned for this to be a one shot, but I got way caught up in the dream sequence.

Have changed it to 'incomplete'

8285615
Right on!
Definitely understand the 'meant for this to be a one-shot' feeling. Keep up the good work.

I like it, except for one, huge, immersion-destroying, super-distracting, and completely redundant thing.

Coloured text.

I know who is speaking without colours. I am over 18, I can read sex without a colour clue telling me who is getting fucked. You don't see it in any work of fiction (that is great) on this site. If you need it, then you aren't giving enough information on who is speaking. If it isn't needed, then don't have it.

This next point isn't a criticism as much as personal preference. I want to find out who originally though dream sequences written in italics was a good idea and smack em. A load of people don't care and I doubt it is going to show up in this fic again but I just dislike it. Just write about her squirming in bed, line break, dream sex, line break, wake up wetter than a lesbian in a taco factory. Done.

Still like the fic though. Following.

So far so good. The dialogues in colour takes some getting used to but I think I like it. The detail level feels just right, not too little nor too much, which keeps the story at a good pace.

Any plans on a bonus chapter about those 4 days shacking up with Spitfire, Soarin and Thunderlane?

You might want to change that link, I don't think the site allows nsfw links. I'm probably wrong and I don't want to seem like an ass I just don't want you to get in trouble.

8286352
I changed it from a link to a number, better safe than sorry. Thanks!

8286036
8286007
Thanks guys, appreciate the feedback. I'll be the first to admit that the colored text is a bit of an experiment.

This account was made to write 'scribble-style' clopfics based on pictures I run across. I thought the audience if those sites might appreciate keeping the 'voices' visually distinct as well as being written distinctly.

If I keep finding that it clashes and causes a bit of a distraction I may discontinue.

On the dream sequence though, if it wasn't italics it'd be some other type of clear separator. Last thing you want in a clopfic is for your reader to get as lost as someone reading "House of Leaves" 😊

An amusing, but good start so far. Let's see how you handle the rest

I love it so far and can't wait to see what happens next.

I like the colored speech, but Rainbow's dad's last few lines in this chapter don't match the color used earlier. Might want to reformat that.

10/10 so far I also love the color coating, in my fics I think I’ll use that as it made the story very easy to understand. Also excellent presentation of Shiw not tell.

What's with the colored text?

Done with the first chapter... lmao that was quite good! Awkward incest, poor Dash lol

I like he color font too, makes it a bit easier to understand who is talking and in general looks nice, great job!

I finally got the chance to read the first chapter, and it was worth the wait!

I have multiple questions...

9080106
Like your profile ID? Naw, just kidding! I love it!

Those two really have no shame, going upstairs in their daughter's house!!!.

10036795
Lol, never thought of that.

"Ugh I hate heat dreams! Scratch that, I hate estrus altogether!"

I think those are the same thing.

The whole incest thing really turned me off.

May I ask why?

11167642
I know dude, I've read it, it's been a year.