Walter was a cosplaying as Volthoom when he saw a perfect replica of the Travel Lantern and the Phantom Ring for sale in a convention. The owner of the stall seemed to be cosplaying as the Merchant from Resident Evil 4. This is a displaced story.
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MORE!!!
Amazing!!!
Nice~ cant wait for more!
Great chapter keep up the good work
Sexy....
Awesome comrade, can't wait for more and it'd be interesting if he ended up a channeling king
I actually had lol moment to finding this story i had just finished the overlord story went to mark it to tracking after witch i would go here noticed a new post for this story
I see quite a few issues with this story.
There's a considerable number of grammar mistakes, enough to make it distracting from the story as a whole.
Very little backstory/explanation is given of the main character, and many jumps in assumed understanding are made. A little ambiguity is acceptable if the story is written in such a way that makes me curious about the character, but here you use a ton of super powers and reference history that the reader likely has no prior knowledge of. Putting a link to his wiki page is basically saying "I'm too lazy to explain it all, so here's stuff that you need to know to enjoy this story."
The pacing of the story throws the reader around in time lines and plot lines, and seemingly for no reason at all. Don't use a flash forward or back unless it adds something to the story.
The dialogue is very unnatural. The characters don't really speak as normal people do, and conversations are stilted and almost inhuman, to an extent.
I'm not trying to be negative for the sake of being negative. I honestly find the concept quite interesting, and would love to see a crossover story like this done well. Perhaps the scope is too large for the length of story you're trying to achieve?
Good luck on your future chapters and stories.
8320535
Sorry about that, english isn't my first language. I just write to pass the time, I have no ambition as a writer, this is just a hobby that I know I'm not good at.
I was just curious to see the reaction of other people.
8320535
My excuse is that they have a hivemind and the ability of sense emotions, so much of their communication is non-verbal. Sorry if that sounds lazy.
As for the power, I can add a explanation in the story, but it will have to be a little long. I might break it into smaller explanation spread throughout the chapters.
8320535
Thanks for the constructive criticism. It was very helpful.
Smexeh. Me like.
One thing, though, if I remember correctly, griffons are slightly taller than ponies on average. At least it looked so IV the show, with only extraordinary ponies (Big Mac) looking larger.
of
Why do you
managed
Phyllia’s enjoyment
creating a pattern
Star Sapphire, the Phantom Corp and the Phantom Ring itself
knocking
“to say” would work better
that “is” should be “was” literary past tense
had
8565040
Fixed and thanks.
This guys sounds more akin to a being of the Warp, not a daemon, like the literal embodiment of the Warp, if you dont know what that is, google 'The Warp - Warhammer 40k'
9116994
I know, I'm a fan of 40k and the existence of a higher plane that is shaped by thought and emotion is nothing knew, its actually present in many religions and other pieces of midia. It just sounded like the warp by the way I described it but it would be no different than the Flash entering the Speed Force, which is a plane of existence made almost entirely of Kinetic Energy.
9116994
But I concede to the fact that he sounded like a Warp Entity of some kind, after all, the Chaos Gods and their daemonic spawns are not the only ones that came from the Warp, he would be more akin to an Eldar God. Volthoom the God of Emotions, but I think an existence like that would be closer to Chaos Undivided than anything else.
Volthoon is a trap now