Just after summer vacation starts in Canterlot, Sunset Shimmer is contemplating leaving to go to Equestria permanently. However, if she were to do that, she would have to leave her girlfriend, Twilight Sparkle. She will try as hard as she can to keep her but it will be hard to accomplish.
Since this is my first fic, comments saying what could be improved are appreciated
interesting very interesting you have my interest please do go on
Sunset trying to bring Sci-Twi with her to Equestria? Now that is a very rare idea. Okay, I want to read more of this.
8180704 don't worry. I am currently working on part 2. It should be out by next week
Okay, spelling and grammar checks are needed badly. There's a spelling mistake in the description even (it's spelled permanently). There are tons of points of dialogue that feel redundant as well...
Also many places where there is a period that a period should not be.
There's a reason the portal is a top secret level S.
8181097 thanks for the feedback. I will try to fix those things for pt 2 and 3
so far im enjoying to story i just hope not telling the dad wont bit them in the ass
It wasn't perfect but for a first effort it was pretty good. Definitely earned points for the premise, I've seen stories where Sunset never left Equestria and stories where she visits Equestria but never a story where she moves back especially not with someone it tow. It's a good idea I wish more people would explore.
Still good job and I'll keep an eye out for your next story.
Need sequel. PLEASE!
This story and its premise are good, but there were some things that could have used a bit more development such as why Twilight's parents seemed to have a vital and driving opinion where Twilight goes while she apparently is able to live on her own, having her own house and all.
Anyway, keep up the good work. Looking forward to that next story you're hinting at.
8185377 ;-)
the end or is it thats almost as bad as a life changing decision being made with no answer for a ending I LOVE IT
If I can help you, I'd like to offer some criticism.
First is two minor errors. It's nitpicky, but very noticable.
Like Mist said, spelling and grammar is very important as it sets the bar of "writer" and "non-writer".
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Here, I'd consider putting an empty line, a dash, horisontal rule or something else to separate it from the previous line. Maybe even having The next day as its own line.
This is to make the transition from one day to another more apparent, as you risk having people miss it like I did when I first read it.
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And for my last critique, I have no idea what is happening in this section. Maybe it's just me but I don't get if Sci-Twi's sad or happy, how her parents found out, who she called, where Shining fits in all this or why she's shouting at the end.
But the story's got potential from what I read! I'm intrigued where this'll go and I'll keep reading it at the very least.
Keep it up and hope I didn't come across as too harsh.
What did you expect AJ, it's Rarity we're talking about.
This will certainly be a tough decision Twilight will have to make in regards to her relationship with Sunset and her life in general as well.
You got two choices to decide from Sunset. Either return to equestria without sci twi or stay in the human world to continue your life there and your relationship with Sci Twi. Imo, I kinda prefer the second option as imo, it's always important to choose the side of love, even if the sacrifices you'll make will be tragic.
Maybe it's for the best this happens Sunset, I'm sorry.
Huh, was expecting Twilight was still living with her parents in this story but apparently she's not.
I really don't think you need should there twice as it just sounds so weird and confusing.
Seriously! She's just letting her go just like that!?!?
😦
https://m.Should of expected they'd knew.
I really wish we got an explanation for that but we never did when eqg still aired. Thx a lot hasbro.