Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle. My brothers are Shining Armor, captain of the Royal Guard, and a dragon named Spike that I hatched when I was little. I have five friends that help me wield the Elements of Harmony, artifacts that protect Equestria from evil. I have a few other friends that are less important, but still great ponies nonetheless.
One catch, though. I am also a changeling Queen, and the friends and family I just mentioned are all my subjects, and children as well. They don't even know it, but everything's working out alright, so no reason to tell them! After all, it's not like a giant wave of love energy could suddenly reveal all the changelings in Canterlot, right? Right?
Part 1, Revelation: Twilight Sparkle meets an old enemy that reveals a secret she's kept since she was named.
Part 2, Recollection: The Elements of Harmony try to get to the truth of the matter, changeling Queens begin their game of chess, Queen Citlali takes her Hive and runs from Canterlot.
Part 3, Reformation: Queen Citlali begins to grow her hive, Whitetail Hive takes some time to get used to the news, Princess Cadance dreams of a dark creature.
May 11-15, 2017: Featured for the maximum time... whoa.
personally liked the other version better
8222603I liked it too, but there were too many weird plot convulsions, and a lack of empathy. The last chapter, where Cit talked about her past with the ponies, killed the flow of the story, and took out many chances for heavy scenes later. This will be more action-packed (not too much though), and will have more human feeling characters. Even though they're horses and bugs.
This is a better way, and I hope you can still enjoy it.
8222619
I will judge based on the big reveal
Okay, I reread the chapters and...I'm a little confused. They did get rid of Chrysalis, right? I couldn't tell, you just sort of had Shining look liked he got killed and...something else. Also, why are Celestia and Luna so...arrogant and mean in this? You haven't really given a good reason for it. Also, is Cadance in her thirties in this? You made it sound like she is.
8222625 A good thing to go by!
Sister-in-law, unless that was innuendo. Pretty funny, if it was!
good to se the story back up and running i thought it might of been cancelled boy am i glad to be wrong
ok this story rewrite is far better,
i do wish she stay and chat with the princess some more, but i do hope things work out, like pony twilight's grandma turn, were give choose to do so, and they were die and did so they can stay alive longer to spend more time with they friends, or they do it to save pony lives
I think the re-write is an improvement as well and I'm curious to see how this will play out.
Humm interesting, though something tells me Twilight is gonna get caught trying to gather up her hive. 14 lings in her hive, her included. Ok The Mane 6, Spike, Shining Armor, Twilight Velvet, Nightlight, Moondancer... 11.. so maybe the rest of her Canterlot friends, Lemon hearts, Minnuette and Lyra. I'm guessing all the ponies "transformed into changelings" where really changelings who had been mentally altered to not know they where changelings? Having her harvesters so far undercover they don't know they are changelings sounds like a very Twilight plan.
Definitely different.
I'm sad there's no more Q&A but revisions are revisions.
8222755 Yeah. I still will answer those questions, but doing them all at once was too much exposition for my, and many others tastes.
I liked the other version way more
8222787
I'll never understand people's hatred of exposition. I love it when things are just talked about. Sure, technically speaking, it's poor story telling, but I'll be damned if it isn't enjoyable. At least, it is to me....
I think this rewrite is far better.
The "flow" is a lot better and the reactions are a lot more natural. (or at least I think so)
8222787
The only issue I had with the exposition 'dumps' was the lack of emotional action, either in reaction from the ponies that were listening, or the speaker in trying to recount a situation that would likely have emotional baggage tied to it. From what I recall, it was like Citali was talking to the reader, and the ponies at that moment mostly existed to provide the questions.
I would understand Citali having an explanation of sorts already prepared, and maybe try to give a 'lecture' on any questions her audience might have. From there you could use the answer, the audience (consisting of 1 changeling, 5 'ponies', and 2 princesses all with different personalities), and Citali's (or 'Spike's) body language to convey emotion, or lack thereof.
Edit1: Anyway, I like the rewrite, and how Citali is now trying to get control over her situation.
This is a better course of action than previously, methinks. Well done.
There are still some remnants of the previous version that don't fit here. Mostly random switches to first person and back again. Keep your eyes out for them. (I forgot exactly where I saw it and I'm about to fall asleep, so I can't quote the paragraph or whatever right now.) Other than that and a few mistakes here and there, this seems to be a direct improvement over the previous version. Well done!
Hmm.
I actually preferred the original version.
This one... feels rushed. The scenes themselves feel like they're being written from a list — "This happens now, then this happens, etc.", like building blocks... — whereas before they were more flowing... The ratio of dialogue to other kinds of text is also way too high; before it was broken up by Twilight's personal musings and thought's in general, which were really interesting. If those thoughts were still there, I wouldn't care about the perspective. But as it is, it conveys the feeling of detachedness or rather the lack of emotion. It doesn't stir any care for the characters, their story.
The first version intrigued me. This one...bores and confuses me.
Damn, I really don't like saying these things...
I'll read the other updated chapters now. Maybe it gets, well, better.
Oh thank god it is better.
This feels like a story!
aww but i liked the telling of the back story i oh so hope that we will get some background to replace the old one
Enjoying the read, but noticed a couple of things:
Wouldn't there be only 6? The five girls plus Spike.
And first:
Then a bit later:
Shouldn't those numbers be the same or am I missing something?
And lastly:
There is a mismatch of viewpoints in this sentence, unless the narrator is bunking with the cast of the story, which seems weird, since the story is in 3rd person.
Keep on writing you're doing great!
8223249
Nacht is correct. There was no reason for a full rewrite, and this feels like just a remodel than a rewrite. You didn't write the story a different way, you just sort of... filled out a template, is what it feels like to read it.
I'll check out the other chapters, but this one feels off.
This chapter is better, but I'm not sure I like placing the ponies as the unwitting 'bad guys'. That's one thing this story had going for it, avoiding the trope of almost all other (x) is a changeling, or changeling reform stories: That the changelings are just victims of ponies trying to survive and ponies don't know how hard it is. It is the most over-saturated trope in FIMFIC writing, even surpassing "Rainbow breaks a wing" and "Twilight messes up a spell". I mean, how are the ponies at fault here, even if Transitalia replaced 'only 13 ponies'? A foreign nation is operating within your nation's borders and for all information is harming your people, yet also refuses to have any sort of information exchange or diplomatic talks with you? You, as a ruler, MUST act to remove them with all haste, because the enemies are creeping around in the shadows of your own nation and that's all you can know. Yet, I can already tell, the ponies are going to be shamefaced over this despite doing their duty as they should have.
Personally disappointing to me. I liked the reasoning flow of the original better.
Well, it good to see you back to writing this story again I think the changes are good for the most part and the extra focus on the action seems to be better for me, I hope you will find the better balance between the two of them. Looking froward to the next installment of this story.
8224097 Seven is not a typo
, Spike is 13 in this story: I might change that to 'I have been waiting my whole life' or something similar. I'm used to writing in first, but I think I can do third better. That is just a weird typo.
8224099 I'm taking a different path in the story. The first 3 chapters are a remodel, but 4th and onwards will be different from what originally was happening.
8224153
Damn, now that last ping is going to bother me until we find out who it was.
8224187 Mwehehehehe
It's interesting how casually Celestia and Cadance can talk about genocide
I like this version of the story. The exposition is worked into the scenes and not dumped all at once, and everything isn't solved with sitting down and talking calmly over a cup of tea. It's more of an adventure story and less of a... well, an outline for a story.
I also like that this time it Chrysalis' hive got some serious smiting from the love bomb instead of making it sound like they just got booted out of town.
I still think making Shining Armor a Changling is a huge plot hole. You can try for the "he asked me not to check" angle but it's very flimsy. Even more so when you make Twilight and Spike the only ones who know the truth. Then it just sounds ludicrously unbelievable.
He needs to either know he has to hide it or not have to hide it. The Twilight covering for him ceases to work when he's in the relationship without Twilight's knowledge and the "don't check my emotions" excuse is not only super suspicious to someone who's dealt with Changlings like Cadence but it makes little sense that he would ask her that without knowing.
For the sake of constructive criticism, an example of a solution that would keep everything else roughly the same would be to make Shining Armor and Twilight's "parents" exceptions to the dead emotions. If you still plan on the whole ponies turned into Changlings idea from before the revision then make them still emit emotions for some reason.
Just food for thought, I'm not expecting you to change anything and I don't really want you to because I don't want to re-read the chapters again, just thought I should mention it.
8224660 Yeah. I now realize that that entire line is unneeded, because of Twi/Cit's feedback effect with emotions. Even if she checked, it would show up as charged.
I'll fix that. And no, Shining won't know his truth yet, but somebody else does...
Huh, a rework. This was good, but I prefer the previous version. Oh well, let's see how this goes. If you changed it, it must be better in your opinion, so I guess I'll give it a chance.
This was a very well done non-response. Citlali isn't lying at all, but doesn't reveal herself unnecessarily. Top level.
Some good alliteration, and a nice way to use "irony" without having to be necessarily wrong. Well done dude.
____________________
New chapters? New edits. Please take these without malice. Especially all of the commas...
They go in order, top to bottom, just in case you lose your place anywhere.
Either: frettin'
OR
fretting (no punctuation)
But since this is AJ, I'd say go with the first
*beforehoof (since beforehand is a single word)
*anypony she had met (referring to oneself in the third person makes one a bad guy (joke))
Can lose both the commas
*meantime
Also, since both Celestia and Luna (and 'Cadence') are there, should this be "*the princesses are"?
*They even got my full name (this change is slightly cosmetic, it just helps the flow)
Can lose this comma too.
Comma, lose it
*at you
*her hoof (don't worry, no one here is gonna yell at you for assuming your own character's gender here)
*here's
Call her 'Twilight' whenever you talk about her for the first time after a while (a few sentences or so, and definitely after a new chapter).
*yet still smiled (to match "grit" and "lowered")
Can you guess my recommendation for this comma? That's right, lose it.
Twenty isn't an extremely unwieldy number, so you should type it out. Unrelated, but I LOVE how FiMFic keeps the italics on the word "has" since I copied it straight from the text. This is incredible! Probably one of my favorite changes from the site overhaul.
Since we know it's Chrysalis, you can use her name instead of Cadence. Same goes for the repeated incidents for this occurring.
Comma. Lose.
Comma. Also, *Cadence (for consistency) (or just switch it to Chrysalis)
Comma
*Cadence (consistency)(or switch to Chrysalis) and comma.
*getting in touch with you (though how it is now works well too)
Commas. All three of them.
Commas. Both of them.
Comma
*seen
Commas. Add them. Use them to separate the list of qualities that Changelings have.
*symbiotic, shape-shifting, emotivores
*mares'
Comma
*forward (no 's') (backward/forward are usually adjectives, backwards/forwards are usually adverbs)
Comma
*That's
Also, you can replace that first comma with an ellipsis (three dots [...]) to signify the pause.
At the beginning, on the train, you referred to them as "The Elements" not "Bearers". Keep it consistent and switch one or the other.
*We need to be careful, especially around that snake.
Using the "I know" and "but still" imply, to me at least, that being careful is a bad thing to do.
Eg: I know I shouldn't eat unhealthy food, but still, it tastes so good!
Comma
.
Comma
*Cadence's.
*too
*fell
It certainly is a more interesting way for the story to go, instead of the revelation being taken care off immediately.
8225096 Oh my thank you so much for doing this, abronie! I've put your corrections in, and changed a few things. I intend to call the Mane 6 the Bearers, and I will call changelings by the form they're currently wearing, so that will be found later in the story.
Seriously though, thanks a billion. There will be less commas in the future.
EDIT: I have no idea how I made that a non-response, but I'll take it! And I really love that punctual prick line. Prick is just such a funny word.
8226189 Cadnece is actually another changeling Queen. She and Chryssie are swapping places.
Seriously though, I fix probably 90% of the Cadnece slips in the fic, and there's still more I'm finding.
8222628 Chryssie escaped. I added a piece to make it clear she dove for a window when the spell went off. The Sisters' hate for changelings, especially Whitetail changelings, will be explained soon. I headcanon that Cadence is in her 2-3 hundreds. If she was thirty, she would have fought a changeling hive at the ripe age of three.
8226275
Does Shining know that he's dating a...nevermind. Okay, never heard of a version where Cadance is already that old. Plenty of 'what-if' future stories, but never where she's that old at the wedding. Thanks for clearing that up and not really mentioning it in the story. Also, its 'Cadance', not Cadence. Sorry if that sounded rude.
8226360 Huh, so it is spelled Cadance. Curious, it's not a direct translation of Cadenza from italian to english. Cadence refers to an inflection of the voice, or a rhythm. Just for habit's sake, and because Cadance isn't a real word and my autocorrect will go insane, I will keep using Cadence.
8226242
Yeah, no problem. As a general idea, most of the commas I've told you to remove (if not all) were ones that came before the word "and". This is because you're trying to connect two parts of the sentence with "and", but then try to separate them again with the comma. As long as you take note of that, the number of comma splices that occur should decrease. I think I've got some free time today, so I'll go through the next few chapters later.
The non-response being that she's already royalty, just not Pony royalty, but she doesn't reveal it to be as such.
8226360
8226386
Cadance's name can actually go either way: http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Princess_Cadance
Go to the section titled "Name" (near the top). There's a list of every time she's called either Cadance or Cadence.
8226674
Oh...nevermind then. Its still Cadance to me.
Alright, chapter 2. First one had tons of changes, seeing as how Citlali was taken away immediately, so this is already gonna be super different. Let's do this! Edit: I'm really getting into this. Ponies are accidental bad guys makes for good motivation for Chrissy to attack. Nice.
Hah.
______________
Same as before, all edits are in chronological order in case I make you lose your place.
*if she was
Shining nodded and looked
*prevents
*fiancée (Generally, with French words, words without the final "e" refer to men, and words with the "e" refer to women)
*Shining took note of how worried Spike looked. (Don't play the pronoun game at the beginning of a paragraph)
Move that quotation mark over to the left.
Comma
What's this supposed to mean? Did you typo?
Citlali, reached
*sent a ping
Comma
There are a few ways to fix this
Remove "Because" (and capitalize "Life")
OR
*'Because life couldn't be bothered to cut me some slack.' (To make it sound like Citlali's thoughts)
*forward
Comma
Don't switch to first person. Change "I" to the name (I think it should be Twilight here)
*into a cloud of dust.
Both commas before the word "and", but not the other one.
*off of
Add the quotation mark at the end of Cadence's sentence.
You DON'T have to add the quotation mark here if you don't want to. This is because it's the same character talking, and talking immediately after a paragraph break.
*fiancé
*greatest ponies, I had
*perform
"What 'horrible things'?"
*if she doesn't.
Oh my. Completely different story!
...
I like it!!
Alright, chapter 3! The first two were pretty good, so I've got high hopes now. I'm glad that the rework happened at this point, it's working pretty well.
The fight hit me a lot harder this time for some reason. I was a lot more scared for Twilight this time. I guess you just described it all in better detail this time. Well done dude.
___________________________
Add the quotation mark.
*face of Celestia, disappeared.
Go back to third person. *Twilight asked nervously.
Also, you used "everypony" here, but sometimes you used "everyone" and similar words. I suggest using one way or the other for consistency.
*fiancée
First person
You should say "The two princesses" or something because you could be talking about any two sisters here.
Specify "they" as "The Bearers" or "The Mane Six", since this could refer to the Changelings.
*from his injury.
Oh, also, the comma.
*and magic, he had
A lot of stuff here is very repetitive, you can take it out. Things like the first sentence can just go completely. Other than that, parts of sentences are repetitive and can be removed.
Comma
*casted
Comma
Comma
*terribly
I think the rewrite was a good idea. This has a lot more potential paths you could take as opposed to "hey, you guys are changelings now.....so now what?". Good work and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
8226796 Fixed the typos, and clarified the moth sentence. It was supposed to be Chrysi insulting Citlali, but it might've seemed like she was still referring to Spike and Shining.
This should read "its hoof". It's is short for it is, so as it stands this sentence currently reads ... a changeling had hooked on with it is hoof...' which just sounds wrong.
Oh Boy, I think I get what that changeling was saying at the end, but I'm not going to spoil it, let everyone else figure it out.