Rainbow Reviews My Little Pony

by SciWriter

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows: Baby Eyes

I finally turned off the TV. There were a few dying chuckles in the room, but nothing compared to Brotherhooves Social.

“Well this was a pretty pointless episode but hey, it was a way to laugh anyway.” I said. I looked at a piece of paper in my hooves again. After the last incident, Twilight went back to watching the shows before us and making lists. But really, she just put a bunch of question marks and comments as this episode didn’t really elicit that much thought besides “wwwwhat?”.

Still, I guessed we could at least be snarky about it. I looked around the room. There was Rarity, because she needed a laugh, Pinkie, myself, Torkuda and Twilight, because her character was also a big part of this episode.

Twilight spoke up. “Yea I guess that… happened?”

“Well I got some questions,” I volunteered.

“You’re not the only one,” Twilight said.

“Why didn’t the twins have real eyes?” I asked. Twilight seemed to raise a hoof to answer, but put it back down.

“Yea that made no sense,” she admitted. “At first I thought the little light reflections told you where they were looking, but those things don’t really point at anything so yea… they just have balls of color that never turn or change or anything… they’re just there, fixed…”

“They’re kinda creepy really,” I said.

“Like they were staring into your soul,” Pinkie said.

“So I take it baby ponies don’t have eyes like that?” Torkuda asked.

“NO!” I practically shouted, “They have eyes not… brown and blue balls…”

“What would they even see with those?” Twilight asked. “I mean, what colors? Would they see millions of copies of the same image or… I don’t know… it’s just creepy. They have eyes that aren’t eyes,” Twilight gave a shiver.

Rarity chimed in, “Well I got over it, honestly in the first scene I barely noticed them. I was just waiting for that huge tower of cupcakes to be knocked over.”

“Hey!” Pinkie said. “Looked like I worked hard on those!”

“It wasn’t really you- besides I’m a sadist,” Rarity admitted.

Twilight scratched her head with a pen for a bit, then asked, “Okay so um… I guess I did figure out one question. That scene where you put your eyes through that paper was so silly right Pinkie, I mean you have your limits and-“

“Actually…” Pinkie said. “I may have punched through a paper or two with my eyes.”

“Okay so maybe you just-“

“And I got them stuck one time…” Pinkie clicked her hooves together, often nervous about explaining her rather, unique, abilities. She wasn’t like Discord, best anyone could tell, her reality warping powers were focused on herself, so she didn’t have the ability to make reality bow to her will. However this did allow her to basically ignore the laws of physics almost completely as long as her body was involved. On occasion she had been taken down in a fight, but that’s frankly because fighting just isn’t her thing. And that is the end of what Twilight was able to explain to me about all that, before I passed out... I think there were some numbers involved at some point.

Twilight blinked a few times. “There has to be… I mean things don’t just happen… chaos magic?”

Behind us, Torkuda put his head on his hand. “I’ve been alive hundreds of years child, you learn to just accept some things.”

Twilight looked at him with a twitching eye. “Don’t you “child” me! You’re so smart? Fine, the square root of 5 to six decimal places.”

“Um…”

“C’mon, you’ve been alive for “hundreds of years”, surely you can solve something a mere “child” like me can!” Twilight did not like being clueless. Thus she was stupidly venting her frustrations on a centuries old helgath dragon. Good thing Torkuda is a dad, he’s had to practice patience. “Well?”

“I have no idea Princess Dorklight,” I taught him that one! “Two point three, eight, nine, two, four, seven. Hmm?”

“That’s… that’s… not even close.”

“You sure?”

“Yes!” Twilight shouted.

Torkuda turned to Pinkie. “Pinkie, you have a party cannon?” The pink mare pulled a massive metal cannon out of her mane on command. “How certain are you of anything?”

“I… I-I-grrrrrr!!” Twilight just let out a defeated growl.

“You need to relax Twi,” I said. “I have just the thing. Close your eyes and think about completely soulless baby eyes watching your every move-foooreeeeeverrr!” I said waving my hooves at her. She gave me a pursed smile.

Pinkie spoke up. “This episode did point something out though. Just because someone doesn’t want to talk to you about something, doesn’t give you the right to pester them ad nauseam.”

“And YOU are pointing this out why?” Rarity asked.

“I’m great at keeping secrets as you all know… you guys are terrible at helping…” Pinkie gave Rarity a lazy eye.

“Oh… oops… you mean secrets like, what was that thing you planned for Rainbow’s party? Something about-“ Rarity was suddenly cut off by a very intense glare. “Oh my goodness… this show makes me feel like being such an asshole. I don’t know how to explain myself.”

“Baby eyes…” I said in her ear quietly. She gave me a raised eyebrow as I slowly walked back. I then found myself on the floor screaming in laughter as she snatched my hooves with her magic and let Twilight tickle me for about two minutes solid. Felt like ten to me, but somehow I glimpsed the clock while I recovered.

“I will admit though, this show did get something right,” Rarity said. “Pinkie, you act weird so often, even when you are acting particularly off, generally we don’t notice.”

“How do you mean?” Pinkie asked, a brush in her mane at the moment while it combed itself. “Do I do weird things? How many weird thing have I done today? Two?” she held up both hooves. “Sixteen?” she held up… sixteen of her own hooves. The other legs disappeared and she pulled a balloon of Rarity out of her mane. She hugged it to herself and started talking to it, “Whatever do you mean, “weird” Rarity?” Rarity just blinked watching her. Pinkie smiled at her.

Twilight inserted herself between Pinkie and Rarity. “Okay, lets get back on subject before you break everyone’s brain.” On cue, Pinkie was juggling two brains that she pulled out of… somewhere. “Eeeee-everyone saw that room for Shinning Armor?” We nodded. “It was oddly accurate.”

“Oh yea,” I said. “I even remember Smash Fortune… I’m a big fan of his books in real life these days, but how did they even know that series existed?” Everyone shrugged.

“I guess they got my reaction to my brother and his wife having a baby,” Twilight said with a slight chuckle. “But that could be coincidence.”

Suddenly a female voice came booming over us all from outside. “Attention citizens of Ponyville!” Luna shouted in the Royal Canterlot voice. “We are here to deliver a message to Twilight Sparkle in an ironic fashion. As you all know, it is too late for Celestia to be participating in this, as she is too tired right now, and currently, a small colt. A situation with which you are all familiar by now, so no further context is needed.”

Twilight nodded her head saying to the air. “Yea, a situation I’m sure will resolve itself in a few years.”

“In any case, Cadence is, at this very moment, very much and incredibly, as Pinkie wants to put it, “preggo”.”

Twilight looked over at Pinkie. “Nice try,” she said. “But it’s all to convenient for me to believe-“

“Remember when a few copies of this show went missing a few weeks ago? I watched several episodes without you guys,” Pinkie interrupted. “Couldn’t resist. Then when I saw this episode and learned a certain something…” she left a purposeful pause. Twilight was caught in mid expression and just stood there in place. Pinkie pulled a camera out of her mane. “Okay, that’s right, hold it, hold it,” her camera clicked and a powerful light blinded all of us.

When my vision returned I saw Twilight still standing stunned. “Did we break you?” Pinkie asked.

“I… I… she’s… and you…” Twilight couldn’t word.

Pinkie pulled a stuffed baby Twilight doll from her mane. “This might help.” She gave it to Twilight, who held it out of instinct. “It even has normal eyes so it doesn’t creep out Rainbow Dash.” Twilight just looked at the baby doll in her forelegs.

“I’m so gonna get you back for this…” Twilight said. “Rainbow, my place, tomorrow.” I nodded. The Princess of Friendship, in all her glory, then sat down, cradling a toy doll. Pinkie promptly snapped another picture.

“For your brother,” Pinkie said.

“I will notice one thing, in the show, you girls sure use that term “anypony” a lot,” Torkuda said, everyone still watching Twilight with her baby. We all blinked and eventually looked up at him.

“Why would anypony have a problem with that?” asked Rarity. “By the way, everypony, the pony supremacists meet tomorrow at town hall.” She shook her head, chuckling. “My goodness… what is happening to me? What is this show doing? It’s all so childish and positive… it’s turning me into a monster!”

A few snickers went off to that, including one from Torkuda. Pinkie spoke up. “One thing did bother me about the episode. The scene where I was talking to Mr. Cake with Gummy in my cake batter-NO! I would NEVER do something so gross to food! Guys, you can trust what I cook! Even if I jump out of it, every cake I make is edible and delicious and certainly never had a reptile in it!... By the way, I happen to know, Fluttershy hates baby carrots.”

Rarity nodded her head. “I was surprised that your character never struck upon the real key to keeping from interacting with ponies. Talking to yourself very loudly in public… pepper a few cuss words in there, just to be sure.”

“Oh and Rarity, do you often appear in mirrors to talk to ponies, I swear that’s happened to me a few times,” Pinkie said back.

“I try to limit myself to weekends,” she said back with a grin. She looked over at Twilight and her “baby”. “What’s her name darling?” Twilight started grumbling.

I grinned shaking my head. “I so wish best daughter was here. I have so many jokes I want to pull on her about that balloon baby bottle scene.” Pinkie smiled at me. She then reached into her mane and gave me a stuffed Scootaloo. I held the toy, mimicking Twilight, who shot me a glare.

Twilight looked down that her baby self. “I would have asked how many ponies my brother can get involved in a secret before me, as the episode showed quite a few… but it seems that question was already answered.” She finally smiled. “Really, I can’t wait to meet my nephew or niece.”

“Let’s hope they have real eyes,” I said, Twilight grinning.

“Hey did you all notice that scene where we were decorating the friendship map?” Twilight asked. “Have to admit, I have wondered, if I ever use that thing to entertain and it activates while we’re eating on it… what will happen?”

Rarity tapped her chin a few times. “Come to think of it, if you dump mashed potatoes on Cloudsdale, will Rainbow’s father suddenly have to relocate?”

“I’ll have to try some time,” Twilight said, starting to play with her stuffed baby self by making it dance.

“I will also say, that day-mare about you guys talking to me as floating balloon heads” Pinkie said, “I think that was creepier that the eyes of the Cake Twins… even creepier, I’ve had several dreams like that.”

Rarity nodded. “I have a couch at home, would you like to come over so I can psychoanalyze you?” she asked.

Pinkie smiled at her slyly. “Sure. Let’s see who cracks who first.”

Rarity and Pinkie shook their heads. I made a mental note to be careful around them for the next few weeks. “Really I was hoping when Cadence showed up finally, the surprise would be that she was carrying the baby in her forelegs… I can just imagine it. “Surprise everyone, it’s the fruit of my womb, I just pooped it out on the way down here!””

“Pregnancy doesn’t work like that Rarity,” Twilight said sooo necessarily.

“Like any of us would know,” Rarity said. “How many ponies in this room have gotten pregnant?”

“Still only talking to the ponies?” Torkuda said.

“Okay then sir, have you ever become pregnant?” she asked sarcastically.

“Hmm, maybe, what do you know of dragon physiology?” he asked with a grin. There were a few minutes of silence in the room.

We recovered and Rarity started to snicker. “I remember making a few private jokes during the scavenger hunt part of the show. That note at the beginning, when Cadence and Shinning Armor were conspicuously missing? What if it was a ransom note?” A few snickers came out. “And then Rainbow’s constant whining about her hunger… “and thus Rainbow Dash became so hungry she ate a book in front of Twilight- and was executed later that day”.” Twilight and I both laughed out loud at that one. “Oh and the news paper, “and thus Rainbow Dash ate a dress- she was made into a dress later that day”.”

I kept laughing, “How many of these involve me dying?”

Rarity answered. “That was the last one- “No book prize? And thus Cadence became a widow.”” Many more laughs.

“Ya know I am pretty hungry,” I said looking around. “Maybe I could find a good book or two in the castle… enough catsup and anything can taste good.”

Twilight by this point was petting her “baby”. “I have a dungeon Rainbow. Just remember that.”

Rarity looked at Twilight. She then looked over at Pinkie. “Do you happen to have a baby me?” Pinkie nodded and pulled a stuffed Rarity filly out of her mane. “Well, it’s a little older, but, heh, can’t not have little me be cute.” She started to rock the “baby”.

I grinned holding up my baby Scootaloo toy. “Ya know, I never saw her at this age. Wonder what she looked like.”

Twilight was finally sitting back contentedly with her doll. “I’m gonna be an aunt,” she said happily.

“Took you that long to process it?” I asked.

“You guys are just mean,” she said.

And with that, I turned off the camera.

Author's Note:

Oh, and because everyone forgot to say it, remember kids, "murder is magic!".

Comments

[Viper Pit]

oh please do starlight glimmer next i wanna see where that rabbit whole goes

[SciWriter]

8255013
Um... I'm gonna have to figure out Glimmer. Hate to disappoint, but her reform never happened in this universe. I actually like her character but it's so obvious she's not around in this world, at least, not as a major player, that it's not even funny. Twilight is still the only magic muscle that the element bearers really have. That being said, I might have a story in the works that occurs about 100 years in the future, where Rainbow Dash's adopted son from "About the Helloes", now a full grown stallion, has to fight her to prevent a radical social movement from taking over Eqestria. This movement blames the ills of their modern soceity, on the existence of the new impulse ponies, when in reality, the government is going corrupt. Basically Rainbow's son becomes V (like V for Vendetta), right now I like the idea of him reforming Starlight because she has the heart to do the right thing, but she's just full of the wrong ideas.

[Viper Pit]

8256064
boy you disected me comment way more then nessicary what i meant was i wonder how your worlds twilight would react to the shows twilight reaction to starlight becoming an apprentice but you can do your idea to would be very intresting

[BestinDworld]

8256064
wait....dashie your hooves are ticklish?.....oh..... wheres my griffon feather?