"Helloooo? Mr. Narrator? Where are you? We need to start the story!"
...
"Geez... Now what?"
Without the narrator, the characters will have to find a way to make the story without him/her. This should be a riot...
(Author's note: the Other character tag is to not spoil who else appears in the story.
Also, first story :). Enjoy)
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Huh. Well, that happened. I guess if you're just getting started with writing, going with Pinkie and breaking the 4th wall isn't a bad way to begin.
There are plenty of constructive criticisms I could normally give, but given the premise of the story, most of them don't really apply...
But I can offer you these suggestions:
— When the narrator is a character in the story, I personally believe it's better to have them narrate in first-person. It makes them actually feel like part of the story instead of an outside essence, and even though they technically are, having them refer to themselves in first person just flows better. Instead of this:
I'd try something like this:
— I normally would point out that you should have someone edit, but given that one of the points made was that you don't have an editor, I'll redact that suggestion, since the occasional mistakes add to the story's viability as your first one.
— Instead of referring to the narrator as he/she—it looks weird, to be honest, and it's hard to imagine the characters actually saying "he/she"—I would have the characters have a little back-and-forth about the fact that they don't know the narrator's gender, then just settle on using 'they.' You could then potentially have one of the characters say something like, "Oh! It's a guy/girl!" when he shows up. Personal preference on my part, though.
That's all I can think of for now. Hope that helps. Good luck with your next one—this was a pretty good start!
AMAZING
8137754 I meant
But the author IS the narrator. If there's no narrator, then this story shouldn't even exist. Your description makes no sense and for that I'm gonna have to take four points from your overall score. I rate this story 5 out of 10. I took an extra point off because Mandopony is still alive and it made me mad.
Other than that, till a better story than 90% of the clopfics written by toddlers on this site. Well done you, author. Keep up the good work.
8137672
So it's definitely a guy then, Level Dasher?
8137796
Mah bad.
...
8137790
There's fourth wall breakage going on here. Authors get narrators from other places all the time when that happens.
8137907 But that's got to be pretty effing costly, right? Like, I once wrote a story back in school and I wanted to get someone to read t out for me. But they charge a ridiculous amount of money an hour. So where is the logic in hiring narrators from other places when the rates are effed up?
8137929 That's why there's outsourcing.
Sorry, WFF. Some of us are weird.
Some...
8137938 Sorry are you taking the piss out of me?
8137947 ...
I can't tell if it was intentional, but I legit have no idea what you just meant.
If that was in response to the "we're weird" remark, then you just helped prove my point. Likely intentionally.
And just to clarify, I do include myself in that 'some.'
Well, this is a pretty good (not)story and it's a great starting point! It's very unique and well done, though I agree with Level Dasher's ideas. Good job and welcome to family!
8137968 No, my piss is going somewhere. I needed the loo and now I don't. It's definitely not down my trouser leg so my piss has to have gone SOMEWHERE.
Also I don't mean to be rude here or anything but I need to go away for a bit. I'm having a state of depression right now and I'm afraid I'll say some horrible things about myself in a minute. Things NOBODY wants to hear on a story rated E.
8137978 Happy to have helped?
Alright dude, take your time. Good on ya for knowing when to just chill.
We can take convo elsewhere after this.
8137672 Thanks for the criticism! And I'll try my best!
8137790. Well, my idea was that the autor and the narrator are two separate entities. The autor creates the idea of the story and the narrator... Narrates.
That was a great first shot, lots of witty little jokes in there :)
8138394 No. Sorry. It's gone way over my head.
Not a bad first story; not bad at all.
Keep it up! You might make it to the heights of the greats someday.
Not bad, but...
who was narrating the narrator?
8141578. Actually, the narrator is narrating in third person. Like Trrrrrrrrrixie!