The world has suffered for too long. Under the iron grasp of the Tyrant they suffer. None who have tried to stand against him have succeeded. So long have the ponies wallowed in despair that they have long since forgotten the joy of earning a Cutie Mark- such a thing is only known of because the Tyrant bestows them upon those who follow him. However, in this bleak world there are rumors of ponies that earned their own marks, who hide in shadow, waiting for a chance to strike at the Tyrant. There are six that are known, and rumors of a seventh. They are:
Lightning Dust, the Pegasus mare who fights for the populace, risking her neck.
Octavia Medley, the Earth mare who brings honest work to a world without.
Moondancer, the Unicorn mare who never turns away those in need.
Flutterbat, the Thestal mare who is giving underneath the scary exterior.
Screwball, the Discord Spawn who never lets the gloom get to her.
Trixie Lulamoon, the Shiftblood Unicorn mare who strives to connect to all.
and the Shadowed Stallion, who is rumored to have a mark that hasn't been seen in thousands of years, who stands for hope.
Together, they will stand and find the Elements- or die trying.
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8290897
The darkness at this point only refers to the stat of the world of this fic. It's not gonna get much darker. This is just an experiment to see if I can properly write dark fics.
Hmm... not a bad beginning, I'm curious where this will lead, for it seems there is a great adventure and a crazy gang of ponies waiting ahead. By the way, I really like the rewritten theme song there
However, there are a few issues I'd like to point out.
So, uh... is Eclipse the Tyrant? Or his mage? Or somepony completely different? You see, you are talking just about 'the Tyrant' and suddenly there is this Eclipse. From reading the story's description and title, I know he's the Tyrant, but it should be made clear in the story itself.
Which statue? Again, we learn it just at the very end of the chapter what the statue is, yet here you are talking about it like we already knew. It's said the Trigem pony was sealed in crystal, however, the reader can't know it was a crystal statue until the end of the chapter.
Speaking of Trigem... who/what it is? Or will it be explained later?
Uh, what's a shift-blood?
The clan? Which clan? The definite article tells me the reader should know the clan. If yes, explanation should be made. If not, replace it with 'a' or 'her'.
The last thing I'd like to address is a little bit of the 'dark story' potential escaping you in the Trixie part. First, there is a little bit of jarring lack of transition. In one paragraph, Miss D’Glamour is hiding in a building and the next one, she is casually walking through Canterlot Castle gardens. If you are planning to make this story dark with the danger of being caught waiting just around the corner, this is the best place to start it. Despite her disguise, Trixie should still be careful. So, why not show the reader her travel from the building to the gardens, letting her witness some darker moments in the streets as well as putting her under tension and a few cliffhangers. That shall do the job to enthral and hook the reader
Also, if you want someone to comb for the grammar errors and such, I might know a volunteer for that.
8310129
Thanks for the advice. Now, about that volunteer you mentioned...
8311047
You're welcome. Well, you are talking to that volunteer. I just tend to beat around the bush a little when it comes to a more 'formal' communication
8311062
Ah. Well, comb through it if you want. We all seem to overlook things like that when we write, and it often takes an outside eye to see it.
8311079
Indeed. However, if you have a GDoc version of this chapter with the suggesting tool on at hand, it'd be far more convenient both for you and me. Also, if you want to check if my work is worth your story, I can provide you with links to the stories I edited.
8311090
FODTE Ch1 Google Doc Link
8311232
You can find my comments there.
8312662
Thanks for your help. It helps a lot.
The real master isn’t their a story also on this where the original main 6 were killed
8926347
As pertaining to this fic's cannon? No. This fic only has relation to my Eclipse Multiverse. The Main 6 of the show do exist in this fic's reality, but they are not the chosen heroes of this fic's world.
Let me guess: Eclipse and Twilight Sparkle are the same person.
9479187
No. The story description says eclipse is a him not a her