"Snips! Snails! Faster!" Trixie called out from her chariot, ignoring the fact that the lack of wheels made their progress painstakingly slow. She didn't know why, but the wheels that the transportation had been created with seemed as if they were ready to shatter at any moment, and she wouldn't trust anything she didn't find fitting for one as splendorous as herself. She was out for a ride along the edge of the glass barrier, observing her domain and making certain that nopony was trying to break in or out. She knew that Snips and Snails' muttered conversation was about her, and a quick crack of the whip cut their murmuring short.
I won't tolerate opposition, not from either of them! I'm powerful enough to defeat any foe, but my efforts would be wasted on simple dissenters! She thought to herself.
Even as she was thinking, she didn't notice the silver glint coming into sight from inside of the dark clouds hanging above Ponyville. Without warning, a metallic-colored blur flew down from the sky, appearing for only a moment as it passed only a few feet from her face, slicing the wooden restraints holding Snips and Snails to the chariot. Both colts fell on their faces with their newly found freedom as the entity soared back up towards the clouds. In the last few moments, Trixie could begin to make out the shape of a dark-colored pegasus, his wings seemingly colored a bright silver.
"You DARE attack the Great and Powerful Trixie?" She shouted, lashing out at the clouds with a destructive bolt from her horn. The lightning rolled up through the clouds, exposing a brief silhouette in the flashing lights. It was definitely a pegasus, one with enlarged wings, moving at a high speed. Even as she was taking aim for another shot, however, the entire world seemed to tilt and jump up from underneath her as the chariot was overturned. She let out an indignant cry as she struck the ground, jumping back up to her hooves just in time to see a hooded earth pony disappearing for cover behind a large tree.
"Over there, Trixie!" Snails pointed at the tree, obviously excited that his dull mind had caught on to what was happening.
"Obviously!" Trixie rolled her eyes as she quickly regained her composure, sending another blast towards the tree. There was a small explosion of bark and splinters of wood, and the entire upper half of the trunk was thrown into the air. In the blast, however, a dark-purple streak appeared as the masked pony escaped into the air, flying at a speed even faster than the initial attack.
This one seemed directly focused on her, cruising towards her like a missile. Trixie was barely able to react quickly enough to throw up a shield around herself, causing the masked mare to go careening off-course to avoid hitting the wall. As she watched the pony flipping and turning through the air, trying to regain control at the high speed, she grinned smugly and dropped the shield, readying another magical attack. This one would send her opponent sailing even further out of control,
"You just made a big mistake..." Trixie whispered, unleashing the spell. The magic took the form of another concussive blast, rocketing towards the caped crusader. The attack landed its mark with fearful accuracy, sending the pegasus hurtling towards Ponyville, seemingly unconscious. The silver-winged pegasus appeared from the clouds again, taking off after her, obviously in some kind of vain rescue attempt.
"NO!" A female cry easily drew Trixie's attention, coming from almost directly behind her. Turning around, Trixie was greeted with a powerful kick to the chest, knocking the wind from her lungs and sending her flying backward through the air. Catching herself in mid-air, Trixie took a moment to catch her breath as she glared down at the earth pony. It was clearly the pony who had managed to overturn her chariot, and had somehow escaped the initial blast while the second pegasus had taken her place.
"Two of you? Then your fate is going to be doubly painful!" She snickered, preparing a spell that she had been eager to use: a fire spell capable of leaving a pony burned without inflicting lethal damage, just enough to inflict agonizing pain without killing them, allowing the torment to continue.
She grinned as she used her magic to pin the pony to the ground, forcing her to stay in place. Slowly and delicately, she allowed herself to return to the ground as well. She could feel the heat of flames building up around her horn, and she could only imagine the expression of the pony behind the mask. It'll be gone soon, anyway. I'm going to burn away that costume first, then the pony underneath! With a final tooth-exposing, gleeful smile, Trixie unleashed the spell, sending a stream of fire raining down.
In what seemed to be becoming a trend, Trixie's fun was once again interrupted. The instigator of the attack seemed to appear out of nowhere, spreading out his large wing like a shield and taking the blow for both of them. Trixie blinked in surprise, trying to understand what was happening. While they weren't extremely delicate, the fire should have burned the feathers off of any pegasus, but it seemed to be having no effect on this stranger. As she finally allowed the spell to fade, the flames died, allowing her to see him clearly for the first time. As her jaw fell in shock, Trixie realized that the silver coloring was no flawed pigmentation or trick of the light: the pony's wings were actually constructed from metal! She could feel the heat radiating off of them as he slowly allowed the wing to fold inwards to his side, just as it would have had it been his own. By some trick, the other masked heroine was gone, leaving only the two of them. The black stallion's dark helmet stopped her from seeing his face, and if his flank had ever been graced with a cutie mark, it had somehow disappeared.
"You're not getting away with this, Trixie..." He growled, his voice low and threatening. "We'll fight."
Trixie's eyes narrowed as she stared into the reflective lenses at the front of the helmet, greeted only by her own beautiful reflection. After a beat of silence, he took off again, seemingly seeking refuge in the clouds once more. This time, however, Trixie was ready, striking out with her rage. The thunderbolt from her horn moved faster than he could fly, curving around and looping around. Confused, he drew up short, stopping in his tracks, just as Trixie had known he would. Feeding the spell more energy seemed to be only a miniscule amount of effort with the amulet boosting her abilities, and she guided the bolt in circles around the confused vigilante, creating a ring of electrical energy around him. He tried to fly downwards, but a rogue arc of energy below stopped him, as did one above. With a gleeful giggle, Trixie launched another bolt, this one taking the vertical axis around the pony, blocking his escape.
"No simple pegasus is stronger than Trixie! It doesn't matter what your wings are made of!" She cackled, gleefully launching bolt after bolt, tightening his cage. When one of his wings brushed up against the lightning, he was given a painful shock that nearly knocked him out of the sky, sending him reeling backwards into the other side. Screaming in pain, the effect became compounded as he was thrown back and forth with the shock, each time bouncing off of the walls of his cage. Trixie smiled, enjoying the sight as she slowly brought the bolts even closer, feeding them new energy as theirs was spent on his torture.
"Um, Trixie?"
"Not now, Snips! I'm enjoying myself."
"Trixie! I think you should look at-"
"Snails, I'm warning you... It can wait." She growled, barely keeping her temper in check with the satisfaction of her enemy falling.
"But Trixie!"
"What? What could possibly be so important that you have to-" Trixie was silenced with shock as she finally looked away from the beautiful sight. Snips and Snails happened to be pointing in the direction of Ponyville, and as her gaze followed their hooves, she suddenly found her good mood extinguished by the unmistakable scent of ocean water.
By some miracle, a tidal wave was washing towards them, moving out from the town.
"It's- It's- RUN!" Snips and Snails both took off, running as quickly as they could, while Trixie formed another barrier around herself. The flood hit the shield with massive force, and Trixie could hardly imagine where exactly Snips or Snails were going to eventually be washed ashore. As she watched the water rushing by, Trixie looked up, trying to make out the mysterious avenger from beneath the waves. Unfortunately, what had been done was done, and her concentration had been broken. He had gotten away, but not without taking an obscene number of blows and shocks from her spell. As the impromptu flood dispersed, she let the barrier down again, exposing herself to the ocean air. Glancing around for the source, she shook her head. There was no way that she could claim a victory if the pony had escaped either with his life or without begging her for mercy, but she doubted that he would claim his and his companions' injuries as a success, either.
"Well then, you silver-winged menace... Bring it on! I'll destroy you!" She shouted up at the sky, unsure if he was still there. "If you dare show your face again, Trixie will show no mercy!"
"She said that?" Pennington chuckled weakly as Moonstone recounted what had happened. "I kind of like the sound of 'Silver Wing!' It sounds heroic!"
After Trixie had broken her concentration, Pennington had fallen out of the sky and been swept up in the flood that Moonstone had created with the Tidal Wand. With a bit of clever maneuvering, Moonstone had managed to wash his body into the branches of the upper part of the felled tree to avoid discovery, and she and Applejack (who had emerged with only some small injuries from the tree's initial explosion during her tradeoff with Rainbow Dash) had returned later that night to retrieve him.
"Oh, no! After all of this is over, you're putting your vigilante days behind you!" Moonstone shook her head as she began looping yet another bandage around his back legs, taking care to avoid his tail, which had been burned in several places. His wings had absorbed most the the initial blows from the lightning, protecting most of his body, and the helmet had thankfully been designed to resist shocks. His legs and tail, however, along with the area between the wings on his back, had been left to the mercy of the lightning, leaving him burned in almost a dozen different places. This, combined with his changeling wounds opening again, had left him barely able to get home with their help. Applejack had carried the majority of his substantial weight upstairs, in spite of her own residual shock at her near-barbeque-experience with Trixie. "I'm not going to make it a habit to be constantly wrapping you up again!"
Applejack had been strangely silent, only speaking to ask Moonstone and Pennington where she could help apply the bandages. Pennington had questioned this at first, but after the two had exchanged a few glances, neither had spoken a word more to the other than was necessary. Finally, however, as they neared the end of their work, Applejack broke the unspoken agreement.
"Ah wanna thank you, Penn..." She muttered quietly, not looking up from the leg that she was bandaging. Eventually, it had reached the point where it was easier if Pennington laid down on his couch while she and Moonstone tended to his wounds.
"It wasn't anything more than what needed to be done, AJ. I had the ability, so I used it-"
"Oh, would you just shut up with that load of bull and let me thank you?" Applejack looked as if she were about to become angry with him, but her indignant frustration quickly gave way to a more humble, soft tone.
"When Trixie had me in her sights and ah couldn't move, I realized that I might not make it outta that fight alive, or if I did, I'd be burned up and scarred to the point where ah wouldn't be able to work any more... I started wondering what would happen to Apple Bloom and the rest of mah family. I was scared, not just for me, but for them!" She finally met his eyes, and she was beginning to cry. "Ah really thought that she was about to bring my whole world crashing down around me, and things would just never be the same! And then you jumped in the way!" Her eyes narrowed as he continued acting as if the entire thing were not a big deal. "And quit rolling your eyes! I don't pretend to know how those things are hooked into your body, but I could see that they were getting hot, and you weren't getting out of it without some pain! Your face said it all!" She took a moment to calm down again.
"Thank you, Pennington. You did more for your family than you could understand, no matter how much you may not like us." She smiled and took off her hat, nodding her head to him in gratitude.
"AJ, it's not the Apple family I hate! It's just that I never felt like I was a part of it!" Pennington chuckled as Applejack's expression turned to one of shock. "I mean, come on! I'm a blue unicorn with a talent that isn't remotely related to agriculture! I've never fit in with your family! You're the one who always made it a confrontation!" He chuckled again before beginning to cough loudly. After the fit slowed down and he'd taken a long drink from the cup of lemonade Moonstone had fetched from his fridge, he spoke again. "Cousin, just because I don't always agree with the Apple family or act the same way doesn't mean I hate you all! Just you." He winked with the statement, obviously joking. "Look, if you're really grateful, just try to remember that 'I don't care' doesn't mean I don't care!" After a moment's thought, he gave a sheepish grin.
"And, if you could make the trip, a little applesauce might be nice... "
Applejack smiled and returned her hat to the top of her head. "Now that, I think I can do! I'll be back later to check up on you, and I can bring some of Granny's special recipe." She looked over at Moonstone, growing more serious. "Is there anything else I can do?"
"Well, without being able to go to the hospital," she rapped her claws against Pennington's wing, "there isn't much more that we can do to patch him up. His body is just recovering from the shock of what happened. Trixie had him bouncing around like a pinball in there!" Moonstone shook her head. "He's going to need to rest-"
"Impossible."
"What?" Moonstone glared at Pennington, but he returned with a tired stare.
"My time with these wings is limited..." He shook his head. "You see, there's one thing that I didn't tell you, because I knew that you wouldn't like it!"
"Penn... What are you talking about?" Applejack asked, nervously glancing at the dragon, who looked almost ready to kill the author.
"Well, the wings burn a lot of calories and nutrients... Stuff like that, you know?" He looked down at his own stomach, which growled loudly in reply. "It burns through your body's reserves pretty quickly..."
"Pennington..."
"And, well, after 48 hours, a pony starts slipping down the slope of malnourishment, no matter how much they can eat... After 72... well..." Pennington trailed off, trying not to look at Moonstone, who was practically staring daggers into him.
"And when were you planning on telling us this?" Moonstone hissed, walking in front of his face to give the full effect of her anger.
"Probably at around 48..." Pennington whispered, looking genuinely frightened of the lavender flames coming out of the young dragon's nostrils. "But that's why we can't take any more time than necessary to recuperate! I'll go it alone next time, I wouldn't want any more ponies hurt, but-"
"You IDIOT!" Moonstone screamed, slapping him across the cheek with all of her strength, leaving a large red spot. "It's no wonder Luna told me to keep an eye on you! You're suicidal!" Her anger only seemed to build, with her screaming again in frustration. She took a deep breath, getting the now-white flames poking out of the corners of her mouth under control. Turning her back on him, she slapped him once again, this time with her tail.
"Moonstone, sugarcube, I think you need to calm down..." Applejack whispered.
"Really, AJ? What makes you say that?" Her forked tongue slipped out from between her teeth with her seething sarcasm.
"Well, for one thing, you just knocked Penn the rest of the way to unconsciousness..." She pointed over Moonstone's shoulder, to where Pennington had finally passed out. "And isn't he the only one who knows how to get those things off?"
Moonstone glanced over her shoulder, still pouting. "Not even a week into my job, and he's already risking his life... I'm supposed to be making sure that doesn't happen! I don't want to let Luna down!"
"Yeah, but trust me, you're not helping by beating the cud outta him!" Applejack laughed. "That's my job... Come on, let's focus on getting him awake so that we can get those things off of him."
Suddenly, from seemingly nowhere, a loud knocking came at the front door, strong enough to even be heard from upstairs. The dragon and the pony both ran to the window, peering outside. Trixie was standing outside the door, obviously taking offense at the fact that the door had been locked since her last visit. Looking back at Pennington's Applejack's eyes widened with fear.
"She can't come in and see him like this!" She shook her head. "But a pony like her doesn't exactly walk away from what she wants!"
Moonstone looked back at Pennington, then out the window again. Narrowing her eyes, she began marching towards the door to the stairway. "You know what, AJ? I'll take care of this..."
Opening the front door, Moonstone was met by a frustrated-looking Trixie. Moonstone felt her already-short temper flare again as the pony looked down her nose at her.
"And who, exactly, are you?" She asked, looking down at Moonstone. "I'm here to see Pennington!"
"I'm Penn's new assistant, Moonstone." She put very little effort into hiding her disdain for the pony in her tone, her forked tongue slipping out with a few of the consonants.. Rather than becoming angry, however, Trixie gave her a smug, condescending smile.
"Oh, isn't that just adorable! I guess that you were my substitute, weren't you? Let me guess: Pennington just couldn't find another pony who could replace me, so he just hired a cute little dragon!"
Moonstone watched at the small curl at the end of Trixie's hair waved back and forth in her face. "Actually, after having you for an assistant, Pennington never wanted to have another one for the rest of his life! I was just assigned by Princess Luna, so he didn't have a choice." Rolling her eyes, Moonstone disintegrated the hair waving in front of her eyes with a short sigh.
Trixie jumped backwards as the end of her hair was lit on fire, then growled as a quick spell returned it to its previous state. Her deceptively cheerful demeanor was gone as she returned her glare to Moonstone.
"Look, kid, I'm just here to see Pennington! So, if you wouldn't mind getting out of the way-"
"He's busy." She rolled her eyes yet again, ignoring Trixie's indignant reaction. "He spent all night working on that stupid biography of yours, and now he's passed out! If you want to see him, you're going to have to wait until he wakes up again." Moonstone crossed her arms over her chest, standing adamantly in the doorway.
"And what if I don't want to wait?" Trixie asked, her eyes momentarily glowing red.
Moonstone looked back over her shoulder into the shop, casually allowing her claw to raise up and gently tap the amulet.
"Well, you'd have to go through me, and while Pennington may have forgiven you for abandoning him, he'd be impossible to console if anything were to happen to me!" As Trixie gave her a skeptical stare, she placed a gentle claw on the crystal in the center of the amulet.
"Well, I'm going to see if Penn has any gems or crystals lying around... I'm feeling pretty hungry." With a smug grin at Trixie's renewed shock, she walked back inside, shutting the door with a gentle flick of her tail. As she walked back upstairs, she spotted Applejack, biting at her hoof to stop herself from bursting into uproarious laughter.
"No guarantees that she'll stay gone for long..." Moonstone finally allowed herself to start giggling as the tension of the past moment finally began to fade. She had been bluffing completely throughout the entire conversation, and had expected Trixie to immediately call her bluff, forcing her way past and discovering Pennington's secret. Looking out the window again, Applejack finally allowed herself to laugh wholeheartedly. Moonstone's laughter increased, as well, until the two of them were caught in a complete and total fit of uncontrollable laughter.
"It's about time that someone gave Trixie a good tongue-lashing!" Applejack wiped a tear from her eye as the laughter finally faded. "I saw the whole thing from up here! The look on her face was priceless! If only Penn could have seen that! I mean, seriously, he's lucky to have you as his assistant!" He finally sat up again, looking over at the couch. "You hear that, Penn? You're LUCKY to have Moonstone around!"
The two were met once again with silence. Applejack straightened her hat, rising back to her hooves. "Man, Penn really IS bushed if he can sleep through all of-" As she came back to the front of the couch, she froze in her tracks.
"Um, Moonstone? Y'all didn't happen to see Pennington leaving, did you?"
Moonstone's good mood immediately disappeared as Applejack leaned down, picking up a scroll from the cushions. "You've got to be kidding me..." She muttered as she flew across the room, landing on top of the couch's back.
"I only wish I was, sugarcube... And I get the feeling that Penn does, too!" Her eyes widened as her eyes scanned the page. "Look for yourself..."
Moonstone grabbed the note from her hooves, quickly opening it to its full length.
Foolish foals! Did you really think that you could aid this renegade without Trixie's knowledge? I see everything! Out of all ponies, I never would have expected Pennington to be the one to betray me, but his rebellion will be crushed without any form of mercy!
From now on, obedience and subjection are to be mandatory and compulsory, and there will be zero tolerance for dissent! Your punishments will come in due time, once I'm done with HIM.
And as for you, you little pipsqueak of a hatchling... If you ever have the audacity to touch my amulet again, I'll assure you a one-way trip to the deepest depths of Tartarus.
I'll see you both soon.
-The Great and Powerful Trixie
The two stood for a moment, staring at the letter in horror and shock.
"Did you see her watching us?" Moonstone whispered.
"No, did you?"
"No!" She shook her head violently from side to side. "But either way, it looks like we're in some deep trouble..."
"Yeah, but Penn's in it even worse than we are!" Applejack walked back to the window, looking out into the town as if she could see where Trixie had whisked Pennington away to. "I just hope that he gets outta it okay!"
3160421 Yeah, after I got that extension, I got a LITTLE too excited...
Glad to see Penny and AJ reconcile a bit.
3161112 This part of the story was VERY tricky to write on my part. In the end, it turns out that Celestia was simply being overprotective of Twilight, trying to discredit Pennington so that she would be left out of his craziness, but the awkwardness of the entire situation really came across in this part. It was difficult to write and the characters simply came across as badly written. You're absolutely right. Eventually I'll go back and make it somewhat better, but it'll be a nightmare for me to do so...
3161285 Oh, I'm so sorry for leaving my opinion in the comments. I'm pretty sure that's what they're there for, and you have no right to tell me whether I can comment or not. I left my comment, and there's nothing you can do about it. Now can you kindly fuck off and leave me alone? I'm trying to play Halo: Reach with some friends. Actually, hold on, I'll explain why I downvoted it.
To begin, he summoned armor and instantly owned the ponies who Twilight was scared of. First of all, she would've attacked them, not cowered, so that's her being OOC. Second, his character is debatably stronger than Twilight, and that's a big no-no with OCs.
She's also OOC when she's being impatient, when she's pushing a pony into a situation they don't want to be in, and when she was forgetful. Twilight is NOT forgetful.
This is a fic full of OOC characters (like making Pinkie stupid instead of just silly), and an overpowered OC.
There, I said why I dislike it. NOW fuck off.
Another great chapter, this story is sooooooooo good
3160495
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I'm sorry if you didn't enjoy what you read in the
commentsstory, but I can assure you that what you seem to be seeing is not accurate.Yes, this IS a romance story involving Twilight. Sorry if that spoiled any of your preconceived notions about a story tagged as a romance with her name in the title. I should probably make that more obvious. Considering your shipping of Twilight and Discord, I know that you've invested a lot of time and effort in the "Twilight Romance" category.
Yes, Pennington is based off of myself, as are all of my original characters, in some form. If you want to have an OC you can really know well, it's best to write one based off of yourself. However, over the course of more than a year of consistent work, he's developed to be much more than a simple self-insert. In fact, while he is the closest character to myself, I was NEVER using him as a self-insert.
As for his being the author behind the Daring Do series, I fail to see why this would be a problem. He's an author, and the identity of the writer was never revealed in the show. To me, it didn't seem like too far a stretch of the imagination that the author might have worked under a false name, and been living in what seems to be the center of the disasters striking Equestria. (Nightmare Moon, Discord, the Ursa Minor attack... all of them took place in Ponyville.)
And the point wasn't to make him exactly like Daring. He's more akin to an Indiana Jones-style character. (In fact, I'd say that he's much closer to being Indy than he is to being a self-insert.) When it seems like most Indiana-style stories star Daring, I felt it would be a nice change of pace to see a different character taking up the role.
He's not stronger in magic than Twilight. As I'm sure you've already read in the comments, this has been a point of debate among readers, but I've specifically cleared this up, myself. He is, in fact, not nearly as strong as Twilight, he was just more in his element in a battle scenario, as I explained here: 2065280. There are several moments when it's shown that Twilight is much stronger, but she tends to restrain herself (even in the show), albeit if the restraint is subconscious.
And considering that the entire conflict throughout the first one hundred thousand words of the story revolves around changelings, I again fail to see why the idea that he has holes in his leg on the cover picture seems to make him less of a character. Considering that there are VERY popular stories about the Mane Six discovering that they have some kind of connection to the changelings, I don't think that a few holes would justify instantaneous hatred.
In the end, though, I would still apologize for the fact that you didn't like the story, for whatever reason(s) I may have mentioned above. I'm not forcing you to read it, and you are free to leave any time that you want. You can't please everyone, I guess.
On an ending note, however, I would like to respectfully ask you if you would please delete this comment. Not because of the snarky tone or lack of legitimately meaningful criticism, but what you said doesn't rightfully depict the story, and could turn people away for the wrong reasons. This simply took the most skewed and incorrect of the comments and compiled them in one place, and is nothing even remotely close to what the actual story is about. The story has flaws. It's far from perfect. I'll be the first to admit this, but these aren't those problems with the story. This is outright rude hatred for an OC.
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3161445 I don't have time to delete them due to a radio show I have to be on in 5 minutes, but you have my permission to do it, that way people don't get upset. And yes, I realize I was being snarky, and I apologize. I'm not taking back what I said about him being a Gary Stu, though. I realize that you want to defend your story and OC, and I respect the hell out of you for it. But to me, he's still a Gary Stu. Your other stories are all FAR superior to this one. In fact, have a follow, because I read a bit of Brothers, and I love it so far.
I also wasn't being rude to your friend. He confronted me, not the other way around, and I defended my opinion. He didnt have to reply a second time.
3161474 You made some really good points, so thank you for taking the time to do so and to come and read my story! Again, I'm really sorry that things didn't turn out the way that we would have liked, but I'm glad you're enjoying my other stories! I won't be deleting all of the comments, since I try to take the negative with the positive, but I'll definitely be dealing with the mudslinging comments. There's a difference between discussing a story and simple fighting, after all.
And I'm sorry if things got out of hoof with thedarkshark24. Things were happening so fast, I didn't have time to give the proper reaction: trying to put a stop to the outright fighting. I wish you the best of luck on your radio show!
3161474>>3161511 That is true it getting out of hand was my fault I could of stopped and backed out but I like when people defend their opinions it makes for interesting conversation to me.
I'm sorry, but I'm gonna dislike this story.
Before I say why, I am going to point out that your grammar is great, and that isn't a problem, at least from what I can tell. I don't dislike it because it's an OC centric story either. OCs are inherently more difficult to write for. I like OC stories, most of them, when done right.
My first gripe lies with the fact that you wrote Twilight OOC at times, as well as other established characters.
Twilight doesn't forget things, it's not in her nature to forget something like that.
If this guy's lived in Ponyville for any amount of time, he has to have met Pinkie Pie, even if he doesn't get out much, he still has to get food, and he wouldn't be able to avoid her, nobody can.
Another moment that really irked me.
Don't give me that, Twilight's faced down a Demi-God of the Night, a God of Chaos, an entire Army of Changelings, and a rampaging Ursa Minor, all without backing down in fear or going close to someone for safety. She took them down with her friends and her magical power. I doubt a few riff-raff thugs would scare her so much, when she could easily put them all down. And yes, I know she beat one of them later on, but that's not acceptable.
There are a few more instances of it, but I think this is sufficient.
Now, onto your OC, I can see he has... Changeling holes in his leg, based on the coverart. Now, I'm not one to bitch about having a special OC, but that shouldn't be a part of him, unless it's a defining trait. Another fact is that summoning of the Armor, while not going too far in its own right. The fact that Twilight didn't know about it is what raised a flag for me.
Her special talent is magic, I'm sure after having studied magic for most of her life, she'd at least have some small amount of knowledge about conjuration spells, considering she's morphed objects before. Another issue I have is how easily he dispatched those four Pegasi. There hasn't been a pony in the show who could knock a pony unconscious in one strike, besides Applejack. But even then, she would have to use a powerful rear buck, which is near useless in combat. So, this leads me to believe that he's physically stronger than Applejack, and there is not a good reason for this.
Now the fact that Pennington wrote Daring Do doesn't bother me, that was something that was left open to interpretation, and is fine.
Also, I feel the need to say that the Romance doesn't bother me either, really it's just the OOCness that I read.
Now that my rant is over, I'm going to head on out, have a nice day!
.
Well....that sure was enjoy able i don't think you need me to say this again but really that all i can say your chapter was great and fun to read keep it up
Man I sound like a broken recored
3161617 Thank you so much for the input! Twilight does tend to act a bit out of character closer to the beginning of the story. Little known fact about this story: I originally chose Twilight as the romantic interest because I had absolutely no experience writing from her perspective. I'd tried bringing her in for a short cameo in "Brothers," my earliest (still-published) fic, and it just went absolutely terribly! So, I determined that my next story would turn that weakness into a strength, featuring Twilight as the main character so I could gain experience writing unfamiliar characters. As a consequence, however, Twilight was clumsily executed and sometimes OUT of character. I really ought to go back and revise the first eight chapters or so, considering I wrote most of them over a year ago! Twilight was poorly written, Pennington was overpowered, and the writing was simply of lower quality.
3161617
To be fair, the current cover art appears to be very recent. The changeling holes aren't there until SPOILER a good 20 chapters in, and the dragon on the left just got introduced in the last few chapters so far.
But yeah, I'm with you on Twilight being somewhat wimpier than usual. Penn can shine without needing that to happen.
3161889 I can see it's spoilery, but what I want to know is why. What is the purpose of the change?
3161856 Hmm, I suppose that's fair enough, I might give it another chance sometime, but I am currently reading Brothers, and I can say I'm enjoying it so far, so I'll give you a follow.
3162037
Without going into too much detail, story arc ends in permanent injury.
3161445
But he is less of a character. One hole less to be precise.
3161617 3161311
I disagree about Twilight's behavior. She has absolutely zero combat experience or training. And no, one-hit-ko'ing bad guys with a rainbow is not combat experience. It was long established that the oc does. "Power Levels" are not going to determine how you react when a gang pulls a knife on you. Experience and training will.
3163610 Thank you!! First of all, that pun was hilarious.
Secondly, this explanation of Twilight's behavior...
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I will gladly admit that she wasn't written as well as she ought to have been, but I've been struggling for a while to figure out why exactly I felt like the actions were at least a little appropriate, at least at the moment I'd been writing. Paco, you put it into words wonderfully!
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3161311, 3161617
Since it won't take as long, I'll address your concern about Pennington's KO's in the fight first, then your concerns with Twilight (Which are both absolutely legitimate problems). Applejack HAS been shown to be able to one-hit a pony (Well, technically a changeling warrior, which I would assume is tougher than the common street thug) with her back legs, so did Rainbow Dash with a headbutt, Pinkie Pie with confetti and streamers (Albeit shot out of a cannon), Fluttershy (somehow) with her own style of conflict... Heck, even Rarity was getting a few knockouts with a bit of boxing! Pennington has had formal training for combat during the days when he was applying to be a royal guard, unlike the girls that make up our team of protagonists. It doesn't seem too out of the question that he would be able to dispatch a few gang members who crawled out of an alley. Applejack just prefers using her back legs to fight because it's a strong, familiar action that she's used to repeating over and over again.
((It's actually funny, since among hundreds of changelings, we usually see each member of the mane six fighting five or six at a time... All except Rarity. Was the boxing pony taking on more? I doubt it, but it's funny to think about.))
I think that one of the things that people don't always catch on to is the fact that Twilight usually restrains herself, even the the point of subconsciously holding back without her own knowledge. She hardly uses her full power to resolve a situation, even if it would be quicker for her to do so, because it requires her to be able to stay calm and focused, a rare occurrence in these situations. We've seen that Twilight has a bad tendency to fall prey to panic in manic circumstances (Lesson Zero, It's About Time, and even Swarm of the Century all featured an adorkable "panic attack").
But when they're attacked in the desert, Twilight is able hold a shield against a monster several stories tall when Pennington had been completely debilitated in a single strike. While Twilight can teleport from place to place in the changeling hive, Pennington has to rely on stealth because the spell lies beyond his ability. (In fact, the only time that Pennington does any kind of teleportation, he uses her own energy to teleport her miles away. We saw in the Royal Wedding episodes that Twilight will usually only be able to teleport to a location she can see.)
With the kind of raw energy and strength that she has, Twilight could easily do almost anything that she wanted, from disabling a simple street gang to fighting off even the strongest of foes. The biggest reason that the fandom has never called Twilight out for being overpowered is because she simply doesn't see her own potential, which is one of the reasons we've all adored watching her grow in the show. The Alicorn Twilight panic was because we all thought that becoming a species with deity-like strength would alert her to her own inner power, and that anything could simply be resolved with a wave of her horn.
The reason that she didn't jump forward and attack on her own is, as Paco mentioned, the only fighting that she's had to do up until now has been to shoot OP rainbows at stuff. When face-to-face with a much less grand and much more personal danger, it doesn't seem horribly out of the question that she would have been frightened and not known entirely what to do.
Anyway, sorry I went off on a bit of a tangent, but I think that putting my thoughts here about Twilight might be able to not only clear up a few of the issues currently being discussed, but answer the questions of future readers. I am definitely going to put in some remarks about this to the next update of the story on the part of the characters' dialogue.
TL;DR- Twilight has always been so humble to be studying under the Princess, she tends to forget her own power. She doesn't even realize that she holds herself back out of consideration to others, but she's still stands head and shoulders above the rest of the unicorns in Equestria, including Pennington.
3162037 And the picture is slightly misleading due to the fact that the holes don't actually remain. They leave their share of battle scars, but eventually heal.
Anyway, I won't really go into talking about Penn slipping under Pinkie's radar, other than the fact that we needed a way for the audience to be able to follow a character learning about him. Pinkie Pie would have simply told Twilight everything that she needed to know about Pennington if she did know him, that's a part of her nature, as well. Instead, we got to have a scene featuring Pinkie Pie as a momentary protagonist being her typical enthusiastic self and trying to get to know a pony who didn't want to be known. It was a literary choice, not one based as much around the minute quirks and canons of the characters. And Seven, Pinkie wasn't acting stupid. This predates "A Friend In Deed," and she just doesn't know how to deal with an introvert.
And I don't know where the line about Twilight forgetting came from, but I think claiming that she never forgets anything is attributing a little too much, even to her magnificent brain. She doesn't forget facts and knowledge that she learns from study, but even the great Twilight Sparkle occasionally forgets to schedule time to work on her schedules and checklists! The schedules and checklists that she uses because she doesn't remember everything that is going on in her life at once.
Pennington's scene with the armor is OP, but he also essentially knocks himself out doing so, something that doesn't happen for the rest of the story. That moment is going to go through some major revisions when I eventually go back to re-work some of the beginning's more awkward scenes.
Anyway, I'm sure you have more questions and have gotten tired of reading what I have to say by now, so I'll wrap it all up here for now: every one of these problems has stemmed from my own experience when I first started working on this story. You two have definitely convinced me that it would be worth the time to go back and do a revision/rewrite of the first chapters.
I'm definitely looking forward to your replies!
This is so over-the-top now... meh.
I can't quite place my finger on it, but I've been falling out of love with this story for some time. Using Trixie and the alicorn amulet as a point in the time-line probably hasn't helped that either, as I loathe her as a character most times, and you're really dragging out this. Haven't seen/heard a fucking peep from Twilight in a few chapters, and it's her I've been reading this for, not Pen. Between that, the events after the whole changeling incident... it just feels lacking. And then, Pen's 'hidden room o' goodies' just slathered the whipped cream on top of my disbelief pie.
It was a fun ride while it lasted, but I'm probably only on board for one more chapter. Looking at where this one ended, I don't know if I'll stick around. It just isn't doing it for me anymore.
3163860
While overall I find this story to be highly enjoyable, I think the complaint of your Twilight being OOC when it comes to situations of combat is a valid one. On numerous occasions you have portrayed her as pretty indecisive and meek (most likely in order to make Penny look good), and that is not how Twilight has been shown in the show itself, nor really as subconsciously restraining herself.
She has been in plenty of conflicts with direct personal danger involved, that's nothing new to her - certainly not something that would make her lock up and be indecisive. It didn't even the first time she went in to danger. If anything, it's the opposite - in the rare instances when it actually comes to fighting in the show, Twilight is swift and aggressive more often than not. She charges Nightmare Moon head-on, she blasts (or attempts to) Chrysalis with her lasor-beam in the caves, she has no more apprehension than anyone else about taking on a swarm of changeling warriors, she has faced Sombra, Discord ...
Her being intimidated by a bunch of street thugs to the point of inaction is not believable, in the slightest (And was almost the point where I initially wanted to stop reading, though overall I am glad I didn't). Twilight is modest and doesn't like showing of, but that's a difference between not showing off in front of a crowd for silly reasons (Trixie's shenanigans) as opposed to handling actual danger that actually requires her abilities -like the Ursa. Holding back isn't what Twilight does, not really. Nor does she have her "adorkable panic attacks" during actually serious situations. The thug scene was especially offending because how laughably insignificant they are in comparison to anything she has faced - and they aren't any more personally threatening than a hundred changeling drones. Twilight is afraid of Hydras chasing her through marshes, not pitiful back-alley thugs ...
Yes, she also shoots magical friendship rainbow canons at stuff as a fix-all solution and doesn't necessarily have to get her hooves dirty - but she has faced down plenty of stuff without them, and the Elements part tends to come after plenty of normal action first as a finisher. And that's a mistake people often make with their OCs - they want to make them seem impressive, and showing them outclassing Twilight seems like a good idea to do so ... except that's not very believable based on the show itself, unless pulled of very convincingly (and certainly not at the expense of Twilight's competence), and thus we have a nigh damsel-in-distress (who can do the occasional and ultimately ineffective and inconsequential flailing about with her magic) indecisive Twilight who at times seems to be there only to make Penny look good.
Simply saying that Twilight is the strongest unicorn doesn't really accomplish much - you have to show it. Show it by having her doing something impressive and actually succeeding at it. Managing to tank a few hits from that worm thing is barely a footnote in the grand scheme of things, doesn't seem particularly impressive on its own (Just about anything Penny has done is more so) and is ultimately a failure in the end anyway. Your Twilight hasn't really done anything successful of note, but has hit a few fairly staggering lows.
Yes, Twilight is very powerful and that can be a challenge to write around - but making her too meek and slow-witted to actually use her abilities doesn't do the overall impression many favors either.
3166654>>3161372
Well, not that you've both essentially caught up to the end of the story, I just wanted to say:
Thank you so much! Your comments have been an amazing bolster to my desire to keep writing. I thought that it would be best to wait until you'd reached the end what what's currently written, and I wanted to thank you both so much for your kind words and compliments. I'm glad you're enjoying the story, and I hope you continue to do so!
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3163860
That's a very good point, and I didn't really take it into consideration when writing my, ahem, douchey comment. While I still find her to be a bit OOC there (being more meek than she most likely would be), you raise a valid argument. She does tend to underestimate herself, and it's ended up leading to problems many times on the show.
Allow me to conduct my thoughts in a more respectable manner this time around. First of all, we have Twilight being scared to the point of not taking any action against the thugs. To me, this is unbelievable. While she may be meek, and may even underestimate herself at times, there is no reason for her not to at least try something. So, basically, I'll go ahead and cut to my main complaint for that scene.
It seemed like sort of a cop-out just to find a cool way to introduce your OC. I understand that you want him to make a great entrance, but that's not always necessary (like in this case).
Also, thanks for tuning in for the radio show last night! That actually meant a lot to me, and I hope you'll tune in again. We do shows every day except Sunday, and the times are listed on our site.
3167232 Sorry that it was THAT comment that I didn't delete, I just thought that you made some really good points in there. I wasn't trying to make you look bad or anything.
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If I were to be completely honest: That entire scene with fighting the gang needs to be changed drastically. That's the part that I've really gotten the most complaints about, and seems to be where all the hate for my way of writing about Twilight stems from.
And the radio show was great! I'm glad I came! Hopefully I can find the time to come and listen consistently!
3167373>>3167232>>3162037 Woohoo! Comment train! Was fun to read the comments containing the constant debate, I mean even this argument has more structure than a lot of the fanfics I find. So thanks Penn for the great story, and everybody else for the entertainingly polite one ^.^
Have a nice day all.
(all them comment deletes in one place, they must be gathering an army)
3163610 I'm going to disagree with you. Did you not see my mention on her battle with the army of Changelings? Sure, OHKOing a few demi-gods must be very insignificant though. I mean, what with their ability to kill you at any second or inflict a fate worse than death on you. Or the fact that you're carrying the good 'ol MacGuffin with you. But I'll push that to the side.
Are you forgetting the fact that she stood up to a full blown army of Changelings, when she *didn't* have the elements? It seems you did. Let me point out that while she doesn't have any training in the fields of combat, that didn't stop her from confronting them. Let me also borrow from 3165578 's point and say that Twilight's usually more aggressive than you would think. Considering the fact that she both charged at Nightmare Moon and Queen Chrysalis in an act to protect her friends.
3163860 You do make a fair point. Sometimes the author just goes 'To hell with it!' and changes something to make it easier. Hell, I've done it before, so I won't hold that over you. That armor spell was kind of OP, but the spell itself isn't what got to me. It was the fact that Twilight didn't have some knowledge on it. She's a studious bookworm, her talent is magic. While she obviously can't cast every spell in existence. Not to mention spells that are banned or forbidden, or simply belong to a family or lineage(Like a few of my OC's spells). She should have some rudimentary knowledge on most or all forms of magic. She studied under Celestia for heavens' sake! Summoning that armor reminds me of the 'Bound Armor' and 'Bound Weapon' spells from TES III Morrowind. Easy to obtain, summons a weightless piece of equipment that can then be used for the duration of the spell. Of course, the way you presented that is fine in of itself. Obviously, his wasn't weightless, but the point stands. I guess I was just a little ticked off at Twilight's ignorance and uselessness in that situation. And yes, while she does hold back her power, as stated above, Twilight has gone aggressive against worse threats than a few thugs. She may have been holding back, but she did use her magic still. Welp, Tally-Ho! Have a nice night, and I'll get back to ya later. But before I go, I shall leave you this quote to ponder.
On the note of summoning things from thin air (as in, materializing them straight from magic) Twilight has actually done that in the show - I don't recall which episode specifically and can't check at the moment, but at some point while bickering with someone (I think it was Spike) she summoned a doorway in the middle of the room, which Spike then proceeded to open and walk through. (The mustache thing also arguably counts).
As such, the technique itself has been known to her for a while now, even if she doesn't use it often and it isn't one of her go-to spells. And as such while she obviously hasn't used it to materialize armor, I imagine after seeing Pennington do so would give her the needed inspiration to mimic that. No need to have him cast it on her, she could do so herself after seeing the idea in action (or any other number of objects she might deem useful ... Twi being Twi, I imagine she would start experimenting just how far she can stretch things).
3168136>>3167836>>3167232
I think that 3167552 brings up a really good point... Between the four of us, we've written a string of comments longer than some stories on this website, and I think that it's time that we call it to a close.
I've tried my hardest to defend my story and my point of view on the matter, but you've all made points that are more than valid. We've gone into deep analysis and understanding of a character that we all love, and proven that each of us has different views and ideas on the matter, some more similar than others. In the end, I simply couldn't deny the one fact that was brought up time and time again: I represent Twilight differently than she's depicted in the show. Although I've tried hard to make her a believable character, it simply isn't the same Twilight Sparkle we've seen in the show that we all watch and love.
And I'll will admit it with pride. I'm not Megan McCarthy, I'm not Amy Rogers, and I'm DEFINITELY a poor excuse for M.A. Larson! I'm a different author, and I see the character through a different lens and filter.
But is that really horrible enough to ruin an entire story? Seven, you seem to think that Twilight and Discord would make a believable pairing, and I respect you for trying something new and outside the typical set pairings! Candle Jack, at a brief glance, I noticed that you've written one story: about Rainbow Dash dressing up as the Nyan Cat. It looks like a really fun read, and I've definitely added it to my "Read Later" pile, and may even mention it as one of my fanfic recommendations on Facebook! (If you don't mind, that is!) And Skydrake, with no published fics, I can only imagine the number of fics that you have the time to read! You must be really experienced in what does or doesn't make a good character tick!
I personally haven't chosen to follow these paths with my own canon and literary choices, but I admire how unique each one is! And yes, there is that horrible scene with the gang that I, too, no longer agree with. I WILL be rewriting that scene with a more proactive Twilight and a less overpowered Pennington. However, I think that what's happened has been that we've had a clashing of ideas and interpretations.
In the end, yes, what I've written has been different from the show's absolute presentation of Twilight. How much it detracts from the story is up to you. I have my "fan perspective" for my "fan fiction," and so do each of us. It's just how things work when you decide to throw a character into a situation that you don't know how they'll react to: we make a decision from what we know and what stands out to us.
I think that we can all agree that we love the show and we love Twilight Sparkle in our own ways. And yes, an author can make a glaring mistake from time to time worth pointing out, but we have to be careful to always remember that they have their opinions and headcanons, too. We'll always have two choices: we can choose to try to see past it and determine whether or not we can enjoy the story or we can try to "correct" it with our own. I, for one, have realized that "correcting" you isn't the right choice, here, because we're all adamant about the things we clash on. So, I'm going to walk away from the discussion. Not because I feel that I "lost," but because I think I understand things better than when I came to it, including Twilight as a character and what makes me tick as a fanfiction writer. I hope that you all do, as well.
These are probably going to be my final words on the matter of Twilight's characterization, at least for this conversation. I look forward to seeing you all later and hopefully writing other works you will be able to enjoy!
3168275 Alright, this argument has come to a close for me, I think I'll read this story further and see how I like it. Plus, I do suppose I got a little too picky about Twilight. You had somem things off, but every writer is bound to portray her a bit differently, it's natural. I am happy to hear about that little rewrite, I'll check it out when it's done, for sure. I just have one more thing to ask...
Didja ponder my quote?
I haven't commented in a while, but I wanted to let you know, I look for a new chapter from this story every day. There are other stories I look forward to but none as much as this one. I want to thank you again for making the story so vivid that I can actually see it in my head. My significant other is glad I found a place to lose myself..(it means he doesn't fork out cash for books all the time.) he sends you his thanks for keeping me entertained!
3168393 Yes, but the more I pondered it, the more I thought about how much I'd prefer pondering it over a side dish of scones and onions... Onions have such fresh, fresh skin. Many layers of it. I'm just glad we were all able to solve our problems with words. Words which weren't things like 'DIE!!' or 'I have a small peanut and I'm not afraid to use it!!'
Of course, mentioning bananas also made me hungry.
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In all seriousness, though, I'm really glad to hear that we were able to come to a satisfying conclusion without falling into pointless bickering like so many people do. I truly do hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
What? No, I didn't say his name. What do you mean "in the last post?" Look I'm absolutely sure I didn't say Candle Jack-
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... ... Nuts.
3168420 You have earned my internets, good sir, nobody I asked knew what my quote was from. You have evolved, becoming more awesome than before. With that, I say goodnight, because I am very tired. I also would like to say that Moric is damn creepy. I'm also actually four Candle Jacks.
Nighty Night!
3168405
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I hope you know that you just made my day before my day even started...
This is seriously what I wish for every time I hit that "publish" button on a new chapter: that someone will come and find themselves drawn into the world my dreams create, and find some kind of excitement or solace there. That's seriously what I wish for every time I write... To bring people into the adventure with me. Sometimes I get really discouraged or worried that I'm not making a difference, and then people like you come and remind me that, for some, I accomplish that goal and that wish becomes real.
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Seriously. You just made. my. day. Thank you for helping me realize that my wish came true.