When Entrepreneur Stuart Middlemis comes across a small cave at the back of his property, he uncovers the key to a 30 y.o mystery which provides more questions about his past then he ever knew existed.
8089271 Yep, looking back now you are 100% correct! It can go in with all the other things I'm learning about my own writing style. Keep the feedback coming!!! It's awesome <3
So basically, the ponies are our neighbors and they like to steal our electricity (aka magic)? Those jerks! It will be interesting to see what happens on the large scale for this story. I hope Velvet has a decent excuse for being an absentee parent and spouse...
capable of conducting a parallel transfer protocol so long as it was terminated more toughly than the rest of the ley.
This word doesn't feel right here, was it supposed to be "thoroughly"? Ok, I have a problem; why? Why make the leylines and scion portals. There is all the how and things needed to maintain them but nothing goes into why they were originally made. It couldn't be for travel between worlds since that only started when the Glenmoar line needed to be moved, which the ponies somehow knew about.
string drool hung from her bottom lip as she whipped her muzzle with the back of her arm.
"wiped"
And so long as no one else saw the how obvious the progression was and beat her to the punch, Stuart Middlemis stood to make quite a bit on efficiency gains by being first to implement them.
This can either be "how obvious the progression was and" or "the obvious progression and".
The odds of been beaten seemed low, seeing as no one else had seen the seemingly
"being"
always pretending to be nice when the teaches were around
Maybe "teachers" unless there is a heavy accent, but the rest of the dialog does not imply that.
Marcy in a conversational tone once the blue haired lady came to a natural pause in her story.
What old woman with a walker would have blue hair? This is very suspicious.
you had to go all the way into town to get to the school.”
This ending quotation shouldn't be here since the speaker is continuing the dialog in the next paragraph. That is, unless things in British English are different and they don't mind indicating when a speaker stops talking even though they still are.
so I had to walk the rest of the way.” She continued.
"She continued," isn't a sentence. Replace the period after "way" with a comma and use a lower case "s" in "She".
Calling yourself ‘Stuart’ when your female sound’s weird.
"you're"
She had violated a 2-hour parking limit, and now owed $60 to the local council, plus a $20 fee to have the clamp removed.
She must have spent a long time at the old woman's house.
I’m stuck out at Glenmour because some jerk Marshal clamped my car
Or she could replace the clamped wheel with the spare.
but that would be tomorrow Marcie’s problem.
Her name changed here.
I am seeing a good number of typos in these chapters but for some reason this one really irked me. I think it was the lack of a reason why there were leylines and wellsprings everywhere. The how was explained but no reason as to why given.
Ah-hah. Getting interesting.
8089271 Yep, looking back now you are 100% correct! It can go in with all the other things I'm learning about my own writing style. Keep the feedback coming!!! It's awesome <3
So basically, the ponies are our neighbors and they like to steal our electricity (aka magic)? Those jerks! It will be interesting to see what happens on the large scale for this story. I hope Velvet has a decent excuse for being an absentee parent and spouse...
This word doesn't feel right here, was it supposed to be "thoroughly"?
Ok, I have a problem; why? Why make the leylines and scion portals. There is all the how and things needed to maintain them but nothing goes into why they were originally made. It couldn't be for travel between worlds since that only started when the Glenmoar line needed to be moved, which the ponies somehow knew about.
"wiped"
This can either be "how obvious the progression was and" or "the obvious progression and".
"being"
Maybe "teachers" unless there is a heavy accent, but the rest of the dialog does not imply that.
What old woman with a walker would have blue hair? This is very suspicious.
This ending quotation shouldn't be here since the speaker is continuing the dialog in the next paragraph. That is, unless things in British English are different and they don't mind indicating when a speaker stops talking even though they still are.
"She continued," isn't a sentence. Replace the period after "way" with a comma and use a lower case "s" in "She".
"you're"
She must have spent a long time at the old woman's house.
Or she could replace the clamped wheel with the spare.
Her name changed here.
I am seeing a good number of typos in these chapters but for some reason this one really irked me. I think it was the lack of a reason why there were leylines and wellsprings everywhere. The how was explained but no reason as to why given.