Just a regular flight routine, a difficult dogfight like any other before. But this time the results were different, on a universal level. Like trapped in another world with magical talking tiny horses during a war against griffons.
Also, really you are good with spelling mistakes (didn't catch any), but grammar is something you should work on. (If I were on a computer I would quote, but phone is too hard to quote). Basically the thing I noticed the most was accidental repetition. Example: you write; They jumped off a cliff, holding onto their guns, as the jumped off the cliff. The second 'as they jumped off a cliff' is redundant, as it's already stated (of course this isn't a quote from the story, but an example). Also, pace it too. Really think hard about every scene. What's noticable in the background (not meaning everything, but are people moving about? Are they invisible?) This is just mostly filler to make the story look longer and better. But don't overdo it, too much filler and your story just basically becomes the ramblings of a writer. I like the dialogue for the characters, except for the first contact portion. I know if it were me -- even with years of training -- I would probably going a little bit insane. I would definitely not be able to keep my cool (though this might be my brony bias as well). But overall, it is a good story and I do like it so far. I have seen many military in equestria stories, but most of them get canceled for some reason (and they're usually good too so Idk why). I hope this story is updated often. Have a great day/night/whateveryouaredoing
8137140 Hey, thanks for the pointers! I will say for the first contact scene I was going to have Jamison try to shoot himself, but it felt too dark in my opinion. But I'll see what I can do to spice up that scene later on. And again, thanks for the pointers!
Potential.
This story has it.
Also, really you are good with spelling mistakes (didn't catch any), but grammar is something you should work on.
(If I were on a computer I would quote, but phone is too hard to quote).
Basically the thing I noticed the most was accidental repetition.
Example: you write;
They jumped off a cliff, holding onto their guns, as the jumped off the cliff.
The second 'as they jumped off a cliff' is redundant, as it's already stated (of course this isn't a quote from the story, but an example).
Also, pace it too. Really think hard about every scene. What's noticable in the background (not meaning everything, but are people moving about? Are they invisible?) This is just mostly filler to make the story look longer and better. But don't overdo it, too much filler and your story just basically becomes the ramblings of a writer.
I like the dialogue for the characters, except for the first contact portion. I know if it were me -- even with years of training -- I would probably going a little bit insane. I would definitely not be able to keep my cool (though this might be my brony bias as well).
But overall, it is a good story and I do like it so far. I have seen many military in equestria stories, but most of them get canceled for some reason (and they're usually good too so Idk why). I hope this story is updated often.
Have a great day/night/whateveryouaredoing
8137140 Hey, thanks for the pointers! I will say for the first contact scene I was going to have Jamison try to shoot himself, but it felt too dark in my opinion. But I'll see what I can do to spice up that scene later on. And again, thanks for the pointers!
To me it doesn't sound right without like added in.
In other news i'm enjoying the story
i.imgur.com/Aws2q6D.gif