Again, good ideas, story feels rushed though, just, trying to get things set up for the kinky fun times as easily as possible. Plus some bits didn't make a lot of sense. "Come two days from now" then she goes that day? Even the way it was phrased, Two days, but if it was 7 AM it would be two days, not the next day, and Luna said it was Sunday, but Sunset said she'd be over tomorrow, because no school on Sunday, and then goes that day? And.. I need the Austin Powers "Oh bugger I've gone crosseyed" The timing just, wha?
Also there being a research lab given this was established prior to Luna's Fall, which was when Clocktower gained it's research wing. Just them coming over was odd enough..
It's a lot of stuff that isn't impossible, but simply feels to pat, to perfectly set JUST to be a set up for the kinky fun times. Which yeah clop is going to require a lot of that. But when it's taking so long building it up, and clearly trying to be more then just mindless clop, the feeling creates a bit of a...ehhhhhh.. feeling and makes it not quite feel right.
That said, loving the idea, and eager to see them get this thing up and running, but the set up seems a bit to blatantly just there to get it all working to feel like all this effort is worth it versus just jump to it working. While having almost no character interactions, which is what makes these work. it's more a focus on handwaving why this is like it is, and just "Oh we all messed around already" to explain everyone just instantly being all for this, and not really have any character interaction or use these ideas to explore the characters and get that part set up.
Again, I do like the ideas, and do want to see where this goes, but it's a bit to direct and clearly just trying to get where it wants to go to truly suck me in.
"Sunset chuckled a little and walked over to stand by Twilight and put a hand on the girl’s head. Twilight hummed and leaned into Sunset’s leg, while Rarity had what looked like a minor stroke in the background, muttering something about a cuteness overdose."
Hehe, Twilight's gonna be someone's widdle doggy later.
Man, where were you when I was looking for editing help? Like, first off, just thanks for the feedback, cause this is awesome.
Though "We'll take a break now" after showing one knot seemed way to[o] fast.
Yeah, in real life, but as far as the story goes, it's already a long infodump and I needed to get Sunset out of the scene without it being strange that she hadn't noticed the kink magic floating off to wherever else. In universe, the break is mostly so people can come up to get a better look and/or practice the knot for themselves.
Still, set up feels a bit on the 'blatantly just trying to get these character to have sex" side, yet still sweet, good, and if trying to make this a shorter story, not the type of thing you can really build up to.
...Pretty much. Wasn't super interested in the 50k slow-burn romance arc here. Sometime after publishing is finished and I've spent time away from the story, I might come back and do minor rewrites to keep the tone more consistent. A good portion of this was written by the seat of my pants.
Two days, but if it was 7 AM it would be two days, not the next day, and Luna said it was Sunday, but Sunset said she'd be over tomorrow, because no school on Sunday, and then goes that day? And.. I need the Austin Powers "Oh bugger I've gone crosseyed" The timing just, wha?
This is a good point. Luna (and I) were counting days by sunrises, where the next day doesn't start until the sun comes up (so "two days from now" means the whole of Sunday and then part of Monday), but Sunset should be counting by midnights and this wouldn't make any sense to her either. Will add in a bit to clarify.
Also there being a research lab given this was established prior to Luna's Fall, which was when Clocktower gained it's research wing.
the set up seems a bit to blatantly just there to get it all working to feel like all this effort is worth it versus just jump to it working.
That's fair. This story was written for the prompt "is there a Clocktower in the EQG universe" and to me, it didn't make a lot of sense that CTS would be up and running smoothly already, since Equestrian magic is supposed to be relatively new and/or rare (hence Luna not being able to appear in dreams prior to Camp Everfree, since now there's a crack in the portal statue base thing). Having there be an abandoned site seemed like a nice compromise between "yup we're all good, who cares why" and "you must start this thing from scratch."
and just "Oh we all messed around already" to explain everyone just instantly being all for this, and not really have any character interaction or use these ideas to explore the characters and get that part set up.
I hear you, but man, I got so sick of the apparently-obligatory "X is introduced to the Clocktower Society and discovers their ~inner kinkster~" subplot. Like, people are kinky in real life. Many people (including me) find this out when they are in their early teens. Specifically for the five of them in the original friend group, it's not surprising that they would share this with each other, especially when trying to figure out if it's normal or not.
As for all of them being conveniently kinky - I refer you to the original story, where they are all, in fact, conveniently kinky.
There will be much character interaction upcoming, I promise. And "interaction," for that matter.
an, where were you when I was looking for editing help? Like, first off, just thanks for the feedback, cause this is awesome.
Going by the timing.. just starting to check out CTS stuff.
Yeah, in real life, but as far as the story goes, it's already a long infodump and I needed to get Sunset out of the scene without it being strange that she hadn't noticed the kink magic floating off to wherever else. In universe, the break is mostly so people can come up to get a better look and/or practice the knot for themselves.
Ah, but you should always try to have characters as realistically as possible and doing things that make logical sense. Those reasons are valid, but the idea of 'break time' that fast not so much, so, you answered your own issue, just have her invite them up to have a look and try it themselves as part of the workshop, and Sunset notice the magic and ditch while everyone was milling around.
A good portion of this was written by the seat of my pants.
It definitely shows. Discovery Writing can be quite good, but can also be tricky to get things working just right for it. Still given first story and all, baby steps/growing pains etc...
but Sunset should be counting by midnights and this wouldn't make any sense to her either. Will add in a bit to clarify.
Not only that, but even then that would mean she shows up Tuesday. If 'two days hence' Yet she went over that day and.... This is the one point that while I explain potential issues with other bits, I get what they are trying for and they do have their own charm, but here? I'll just flat out say is really badly done. It makes no logical or mathematical, or calenderlogical sense. Be simpler just for Luna to tell her "Stop by later today." Since that's what she does.
Then you have the whole, how are they going to disguise the ones that go with? Plus they have to get used to being Ponies, and, raises so many questions.
Having there be an abandoned site seemed like a nice compromise between "yup we're all good, who cares why" and "you must start this thing from scratch."
Likely would have worked a bit simpler for it just be, Sunset finds out about Clocktower and tries to start one there. Though yeah.. then have to deal with finding a spot etc.... or, ancient cult of the same kind made the place.... yeah no real easy answer.
Again it's not bad (barring that mess of a temporal knot even The Doctor would throw his hands up and give up trying to figure out) The idea is sound, and what I think the main ehhhhhhh point is for me, that makes it come off so awkward, is it's kind of in the mid point between Clop for the Sake of Clop writing, and Clop With Plot writing. The amount of effort and time it's putting into the set up, what it's trying to do, clearly show it is TRYING to be the latter, but the overall way everything just goes perfectly, everyone is into it, everything just goes along for the sake of getting to sexy time, makes it feel like the former. It leads to a bit of a disconnect that makes it kind of stick in that limbo between the two.
That said, CTS has a lot of issues as well story wise. But pulls it out through the simply AMAZING way it treats the subject, so that will be what really matters.
As a first try, I'm not going to say it's good, but, it's not bad either. You are clearly trying, which gets you a LOT of credit, the underlying ideas are fine, just the execution that needs work, and that's the type of thing you mostly learn from practice. So, yeah eager to see more story, and it does seem to come off this way, but just to be sure, this is 100% meant as constructive Criticism, if this wasn't,.. there would be a whole lot more swearing involved. Finish getting this story out, learn from it, and keep on getting better.
Buddy this is not my first story. Trust me, the first ones were a helluva lot worse than this. This is just the first thing I've posted on Fimfic because it's a hellsite where you can't find anything unless it hits the front page. I've been writing since I was like ten and posting on AO3 for going on seven years now.
just have her invite them up to have a look and try it themselves as part of the workshop, and Sunset notice the magic and ditch while everyone was milling around.
Um, this is... exactly what happened? *goes to reread* Ah, I see. Meh. I'll fix it later; for now I have a bunch of stuff on my plate and don't want to bog down the publishing schedule with endless fixes.
Then you have the whole, how are they going to disguise the ones that go with? Plus they have to get used to being Ponies, and, raises so many questions.
Wow it sure does man it's almost like I'm revealing information at a gradual pace through the story and you will probably get an answer to this if you keep reading. Weird, right?
Likely would have worked a bit simpler for it just be, Sunset finds out about Clocktower and tries to start one there. Though yeah.. then have to deal with finding a spot etc.... or, ancient cult of the same kind made the place.... yeah no real easy answer.
That is pretty much what we started with, and eventually abandoned for the same reasons you give here. Having it already exist solves a lot of the "but space and money" concerns. There was also a subplot with Wendigos that got cut, by and large because I couldn't figure out a way to keep it dramatically tense while also having everyone believably consent. I mean "we gotta fuck to save the world" is very different from "well, the world's ending, might as well fuck," you get me?
but the overall way everything just goes perfectly, everyone is into it, everything just goes along for the sake of getting to sexy time, makes it feel like the former
I don't think you're wrong; I think you have different tastes than I do. There are plenty of stories, even CTS stories, where the main focus is the character's (or characters') misgivings regarding kink and their place in the Society. Dominant Creed is a rather good one. That's not the story I wanted to write, 'cause, fucking hell, it was boring enough when I did it in real life. The entirety of the main cast is kinky because a) the Mane 6 are in the original Clocktower Society (Twilight looks around and sees all her friends and some minor characters on the way to CEE), and b) if I left someone out I would inevitably get people with the opposite of your opinion.
The nuts and bolts of getting CTN up and running is intentionally in soft focus here, and maybe I shouldn't have let the Discord server push me into doing that so much, but at this point I would have to rewrite the entire thing from scratch. I'm aware that CTN isn't perfect and is in fact pretty mediocre at best (side note: how hard would it be to tempt you into betareading for me, oh god, you have no idea how much this helps), but since you seem to want a different kind of story than the people I was talking to at the time, there's not a lot I can do.
Forgot to add: the other reason a lot of this is intentionally vague is so that other people can use the setting without contradicting this story too much, if they want to add their own details and flourishes. This is a minor concern but it is still something I took into consideration when planning.
8152996 Yeah, just worry about getting it fully posted, mid-posting rewrites never end up going well and tend to signal the death knell for stories as the author gets so wrapped up in trying to fix things, they burn out and never finish the story.
On the whole Mane 6 all being kinky thing, I am not knocking the idea at all, the idea works fine, it's more an issue of presentation and how it's brought up and handled that is giving me a 'ehhhh this really could have been done better' vibe.
Wow it sure does man it's almost like I'm revealing information at a gradual pace through the story and you will probably get an answer to this if you keep reading. Weird, right?
Wow who does that?
but since you seem to want a different kind of story than the people I was talking to at the time, there's not a lot I can do.
Ehhh I wouldn't necessarily say that, I'm fine with taking stories as they are, as I said the main thing throwing me off is the whole, feeling like a story trying to be Clop with Plot, but using a lot of the shortcuts and general 'just go with it' way things usually go in a 'clop for the sake of clop' story. And again it's by no means outright bad, and as a quick, just get this place set up with as little fuss as possible for future fun times, it's serving it's purpose.
(side note: how hard would it be to tempt you into betareading for me, oh god, you have no idea how much this helps),
You know, I keep thinking, and I think you're right. I'm also pretty sure I know why it's weird and doesn't flow well, but I don't want to spoil the story for other people reading these comments, so we should talk more in PM if you want.
Like this comment if you want to start a real life clocktower.
8149100
My friend, have you heard of FetLife.
8149105 Not until just now. Part of it is that I like the thematic style of clocktower, not just the sexy stuff.
nice work
very nice, lots of potential here, keep it up!
Again, good ideas, story feels rushed though, just, trying to get things set up for the kinky fun times as easily as possible. Plus some bits didn't make a lot of sense. "Come two days from now" then she goes that day? Even the way it was phrased, Two days, but if it was 7 AM it would be two days, not the next day, and Luna said it was Sunday, but Sunset said she'd be over tomorrow, because no school on Sunday, and then goes that day? And.. I need the Austin Powers "Oh bugger I've gone crosseyed" The timing just, wha?
Also there being a research lab given this was established prior to Luna's Fall, which was when Clocktower gained it's research wing. Just them coming over was odd enough..
It's a lot of stuff that isn't impossible, but simply feels to pat, to perfectly set JUST to be a set up for the kinky fun times. Which yeah clop is going to require a lot of that. But when it's taking so long building it up, and clearly trying to be more then just mindless clop, the feeling creates a bit of a...ehhhhhh.. feeling and makes it not quite feel right.
That said, loving the idea, and eager to see them get this thing up and running, but the set up seems a bit to blatantly just there to get it all working to feel like all this effort is worth it versus just jump to it working. While having almost no character interactions, which is what makes these work. it's more a focus on handwaving why this is like it is, and just "Oh we all messed around already" to explain everyone just instantly being all for this, and not really have any character interaction or use these ideas to explore the characters and get that part set up.
Again, I do like the ideas, and do want to see where this goes, but it's a bit to direct and clearly just trying to get where it wants to go to truly suck me in.
"Sunset chuckled a little and walked over to stand by Twilight and put a hand on the girl’s head. Twilight hummed and leaned into Sunset’s leg, while Rarity had what looked like a minor stroke in the background, muttering something about a cuteness overdose."
Hehe, Twilight's gonna be someone's widdle doggy later.
8149576
Man, where were you when I was looking for editing help? Like, first off, just thanks for the feedback, cause this is awesome.
Yeah, in real life, but as far as the story goes, it's already a long infodump and I needed to get Sunset out of the scene without it being strange that she hadn't noticed the kink magic floating off to wherever else. In universe, the break is mostly so people can come up to get a better look and/or practice the knot for themselves.
...Pretty much. Wasn't super interested in the 50k slow-burn romance arc here. Sometime after publishing is finished and I've spent time away from the story, I might come back and do minor rewrites to keep the tone more consistent. A good portion of this was written by the seat of my pants.
This is a good point. Luna (and I) were counting days by sunrises, where the next day doesn't start until the sun comes up (so "two days from now" means the whole of Sunday and then part of Monday), but Sunset should be counting by midnights and this wouldn't make any sense to her either. Will add in a bit to clarify.
media.tenor.co/images/fb3f2d1e814190100a4ae401b1660d5b/tenor.gif
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
That's fair. This story was written for the prompt "is there a Clocktower in the EQG universe" and to me, it didn't make a lot of sense that CTS would be up and running smoothly already, since Equestrian magic is supposed to be relatively new and/or rare (hence Luna not being able to appear in dreams prior to Camp Everfree, since now there's a crack in the portal statue base thing). Having there be an abandoned site seemed like a nice compromise between "yup we're all good, who cares why" and "you must start this thing from scratch."
I hear you, but man, I got so sick of the apparently-obligatory "X is introduced to the Clocktower Society and discovers their ~inner kinkster~" subplot. Like, people are kinky in real life. Many people (including me) find this out when they are in their early teens. Specifically for the five of them in the original friend group, it's not surprising that they would share this with each other, especially when trying to figure out if it's normal or not.
As for all of them being conveniently kinky - I refer you to the original story, where they are all, in fact, conveniently kinky.
There will be much character interaction upcoming, I promise. And "interaction," for that matter.
8152063 M
Going by the timing.. just starting to check out CTS stuff.
Ah, but you should always try to have characters as realistically as possible and doing things that make logical sense. Those reasons are valid, but the idea of 'break time' that fast not so much, so, you answered your own issue, just have her invite them up to have a look and try it themselves as part of the workshop, and Sunset notice the magic and ditch while everyone was milling around.
It definitely shows. Discovery Writing can be quite good, but can also be tricky to get things working just right for it. Still given first story and all, baby steps/growing pains etc...
Not only that, but even then that would mean she shows up Tuesday. If 'two days hence' Yet she went over that day and.... This is the one point that while I explain potential issues with other bits, I get what they are trying for and they do have their own charm, but here? I'll just flat out say is really badly done. It makes no logical or mathematical, or calenderlogical sense. Be simpler just for Luna to tell her "Stop by later today." Since that's what she does.
Then you have the whole, how are they going to disguise the ones that go with? Plus they have to get used to being Ponies, and, raises so many questions.
Likely would have worked a bit simpler for it just be, Sunset finds out about Clocktower and tries to start one there. Though yeah.. then have to deal with finding a spot etc.... or, ancient cult of the same kind made the place.... yeah no real easy answer.
Again it's not bad (barring that mess of a temporal knot even The Doctor would throw his hands up and give up trying to figure out) The idea is sound, and what I think the main ehhhhhhh point is for me, that makes it come off so awkward, is it's kind of in the mid point between Clop for the Sake of Clop writing, and Clop With Plot writing. The amount of effort and time it's putting into the set up, what it's trying to do, clearly show it is TRYING to be the latter, but the overall way everything just goes perfectly, everyone is into it, everything just goes along for the sake of getting to sexy time, makes it feel like the former. It leads to a bit of a disconnect that makes it kind of stick in that limbo between the two.
That said, CTS has a lot of issues as well story wise. But pulls it out through the simply AMAZING way it treats the subject, so that will be what really matters.
As a first try, I'm not going to say it's good, but, it's not bad either. You are clearly trying, which gets you a LOT of credit, the underlying ideas are fine, just the execution that needs work, and that's the type of thing you mostly learn from practice. So, yeah eager to see more story, and it does seem to come off this way, but just to be sure, this is 100% meant as constructive Criticism, if this wasn't,.. there would be a whole lot more swearing involved. Finish getting this story out, learn from it, and keep on getting better.
8152841
Buddy this is not my first story. Trust me, the first ones were a helluva lot worse than this. This is just the first thing I've posted on Fimfic because it's a hellsite where you can't find anything unless it hits the front page. I've been writing since I was like ten and posting on AO3 for going on seven years now.
Um, this is... exactly what happened? *goes to reread* Ah, I see. Meh. I'll fix it later; for now I have a bunch of stuff on my plate and don't want to bog down the publishing schedule with endless fixes.
Wow it sure does man it's almost like I'm revealing information at a gradual pace through the story and you will probably get an answer to this if you keep reading. Weird, right?
That is pretty much what we started with, and eventually abandoned for the same reasons you give here. Having it already exist solves a lot of the "but space and money" concerns. There was also a subplot with Wendigos that got cut, by and large because I couldn't figure out a way to keep it dramatically tense while also having everyone believably consent. I mean "we gotta fuck to save the world" is very different from "well, the world's ending, might as well fuck," you get me?
I don't think you're wrong; I think you have different tastes than I do. There are plenty of stories, even CTS stories, where the main focus is the character's (or characters') misgivings regarding kink and their place in the Society. Dominant Creed is a rather good one. That's not the story I wanted to write, 'cause, fucking hell, it was boring enough when I did it in real life. The entirety of the main cast is kinky because a) the Mane 6 are in the original Clocktower Society (Twilight looks around and sees all her friends and some minor characters on the way to CEE), and b) if I left someone out I would inevitably get people with the opposite of your opinion.
The nuts and bolts of getting CTN up and running is intentionally in soft focus here, and maybe I shouldn't have let the Discord server push me into doing that so much, but at this point I would have to rewrite the entire thing from scratch. I'm aware that CTN isn't perfect and is in fact pretty mediocre at best (side note: how hard would it be to tempt you into betareading for me, oh god, you have no idea how much this helps), but since you seem to want a different kind of story than the people I was talking to at the time, there's not a lot I can do.
Forgot to add: the other reason a lot of this is intentionally vague is so that other people can use the setting without contradicting this story too much, if they want to add their own details and flourishes. This is a minor concern but it is still something I took into consideration when planning.
8152996 Yeah, just worry about getting it fully posted, mid-posting rewrites never end up going well and tend to signal the death knell for stories as the author gets so wrapped up in trying to fix things, they burn out and never finish the story.
On the whole Mane 6 all being kinky thing, I am not knocking the idea at all, the idea works fine, it's more an issue of presentation and how it's brought up and handled that is giving me a 'ehhhh this really could have been done better' vibe.
Wow who does that?
Ehhh I wouldn't necessarily say that, I'm fine with taking stories as they are, as I said the main thing throwing me off is the whole, feeling like a story trying to be Clop with Plot, but using a lot of the shortcuts and general 'just go with it' way things usually go in a 'clop for the sake of clop' story. And again it's by no means outright bad, and as a quick, just get this place set up with as little fuss as possible for future fun times, it's serving it's purpose.
Not very hard
8153407
You know, I keep thinking, and I think you're right. I'm also pretty sure I know why it's weird and doesn't flow well, but I don't want to spoil the story for other people reading these comments, so we should talk more in PM if you want.