Colgate's Rants: Hasbro Franchise Edition

by StormLuna

Jerrica and Kimber Benton

Another Late Day Annoyance

Another week was coming to a close and I was getting ready to close up shop when two unicorns came in the door. Ugh, not again! I've had to deal with ponies bugging me at the end of the day way too often. The two came in and one mentioned having yellow teeth and the other was complaining about pains in the upper right corner of her mouth. Damn it, why the hell do ponies always have to chew their nasty sweets up in that corner of their mouths? Why can't they just be good ponies and NOT EAT SWEETS!

As you all know I have been way too generous involving staying late taking patients and taking care of them on Saturdays. With these two, I had to be firm. I told them that I had a night out on the town planned with my marefriends. Now these two obviously aren't from Equestria because when I mentioned my marefriends, they gave me the strangest looks and the red maned one asked, "Marefriends?"

I simply asked, "You're not from Equestria, are you?"

The pink maned one replied, "No. We wound up getting chased by the Misfits into a cave and then we somehow wound up here."

Ok, I'm going to have to do something. I don't know who the hell the Misfits are but I'm presuming they are humans. Now like I had said, I'm becoming too much of a softy when it comes to weekend appointments but I told the two to meet me here at 1300 the following day. The two gave me a confused look and I could tell they had no clue what I was talking about. Another sign they are not from Equestria. I sighed, "Just meet me here tomorrow an hour after noon, ok.?"

The two nodded and I headed home a bit irritated. While I did have a fun night on the town planned with Amethyst and Sea Swirl that night, all that I could think about was those two unicorns, what the hell might be wrong with their teeth, where they actually came from and what kind of payment I would get out of them.

---

The Appointments

Well I had a wonderful night out on the town with my marefriends, I had a good breakfast and of course enjoyed Littlest Pet Shop and My Little Human with my sister and my harem. After that and a filling lunch, I headed over to find those two unicorns standing outside of my practice. Shit, I was secretly hoping that they didn't understand Equestrian time or decided to go bug somepony else. Oh well, I hope they have a way to pay me.

I don't know if I missed this when I first saw them or what but the one with the pink mane had quite a bit of makeup on and the red maned one had some on too, but not as much. Well I decided to take the red maned one back first and she seemed a bit nervous. Well given that she is in a strange land, is suddenly a unicorn and has an Alicorn working on her teeth, I could understand that.

Get this, while she did not have any cavities, her teeth were covered in plaque! Good grief, why can't ponies, well in their case humans, just take care of their damn teeth? Is it too much to ask? Given how bad her situation was I had to use the strongest tooth whitening agent I had and while I could have used that brush with the metallic bristles that I did on the Biskit Twins, this mare seemed nice enough and didn't bitch about anything so I used a normal brush and after thirty long minutes of removing that plaque, she had a set of pearly whites.

Well she thanked me and I headed out to get the pink maned one. While she seemed friendly as well, she seemed kind of nervous as well. She was acting like she was hiding something and I was going to find out what it was. I asked, "You look more nervous than a filly caught with her hoof in a cookie jar. What's wrong?"

She began going on about how she hoped the Misfits hadn't done something to these individuals named Aja and Shana and how she worried about Pizzaz hitting on Rio and stealing him away from her. Ok, I have no idea in hell what she is talking about but it sounds like something ain't right. This pony, well human in her world, is into guys! Ok, this is totally weird because not a lot of mares are into stallions but hey, Cadence WAS until I permanently took her away from Shining Armor.

Now her teeth weren't covered in that much plaque but I saw something that would really piss me off in the upper right hand corner of her mouth, A CAVITY, a very deep one! Shit, and I was in a semi-decent mood but not anymore. Now I was already mad enough at myself for promising I'd take them in on a Saturday but this made matters worse so I did what I do so often, I smacked her, loosening one of these weird earrings of hers that were shinning red. After I did this she shied back and acted like it would be the end of the world if I smacked her again.

Well after numbing her mouth and taking care of that filling, I took them up front to see how they were going to pay me. I had a feeling that they didn't have anything on them...oh wait, the pink maned one has some pretty shiny earrings on that are likely worth a lot of money and you know how attracted I am to that sort of stuff. I'll just take those if I have to.

---

Discovering Their True Identities

Alright, while I was asking them how they would pay somepony I did not expect came in through the door, my younger sister Lyra. She looked at the two and squealed, "Wow, Jem and Kimber, is that really you?"

My first thought was, Jem and Kimber? Who the fuck are they? Then I figured that they must be characters in one of her comic books since it seems like a lot of them turn out actually existing. Well the two admitted to being who Lyra identified them as but that still didn't answer the question that mattered most, how was I going to get paid.

What happened next was hilarious. My sister giggled, "Colgate, they're rock stars so I'm sure they can afford to pay you!"

Ok, now I know what my plans are. I'm going with them through that portal to where ever they are from and I am taking something. Yes those earrings are pretty but I bet I can take something that I can sell for more money here in Equestria. I'm not sure how much those earrings will go for.

Now for something that would piss me off. I don't know how the hell she managed to do it, but the one Lyra identified as Jem flared up her horn and fired some energy at Lyra. Now this was unacceptable. I levitated her to myself and smacked her hard, knocking those earrings off and discovering something very shocking.

Those earrings must have some sort of freaky magic in them because her mane suddenly went blonde and all that makeup vanished. Now this changes things dramatically! What looked to be earrings that I may not get much for suddenly became earrings that I could make a killing off of. When I tell ponies that they alter your appearance, I'll have ponies begging me to sell them to them.

After this I levitated those earrings to myself and asked, "Hmmm....how much can I get for these?" I then began to laugh, "Who knows, maybe Ahuizotl will need them to do Faust knows what to some corner of Equestria."

Now of course I had one problem, the one known as Jem tried getting them away from me but get this, she suddenly can't access her magic! Sweet, now I can keep these babies, drag their flanks to their portal and send them home. I told them this and Lyra must know enough about their world that she wanted to go through there and meet the rest of the Holograms.

My two patients told her no though because she is worried about what we might do in their world. Oh well, I don't care. I got those freaky earrings as payment and I can send them home. Want to know the best part? I plan on having a hot and raunchy night with my lovelies and maybe I can use these earrings to make things even hotter.

Well I escorted them to the portal and then proceeded to use those earrings that night but it had unintended consequences. Suddenly my face was covered with makeup and even worse, my teeth started hurting! Shit, did those things give me cavities? Well I took them off and my appearance and perfect teeth were restored. Note to self: Never wear those damn things again.

On a final note regarding those things. I decided to hold an auction and when ponies learned about the powers those things have, they finally sold for 200,000 bits! Wow, that is around the same value I got for Cheese Sandwich's kidney! Now what to do about these portals? I'm getting some interesting patients and I'm collecting some rather odd forms of payment but the one those two came from, I'm thinking I may just go drain it of its energy."

Comments

[Ri2]

Why did Jem attack Lyra?