Chapter 1
I finished my speech and shoved the donut into the stallion’s mouth.
Glazed yeast donuts hold up better for this purpose. Cake donuts tend to crumble instead of acting as an effective gag.
I opened a carton of chocolate milk in my magic, turned it upside down, and smashed it onto his head.
He stumbled backwards, blinking rapidly and working his jaw like he couldn’t decide whether to eat the donut or try to talk around it while chocolate milk dripped off of his sopping mane and splattered into a growing puddle on the tile floor. I stomped forward to keep his momentum going and waited until he bumped into the door before I lit my horn. Just enough force to slow the door and make him push against it. Then I threw it open and watched as he fell in a heap on the sidewalk.
As I turned back around, all four of the old farts at the counter began clapping their hooves like I’d just sunk a long putt. I tilted my paper foodservice hat up off my bangs, then rolled my eyes as I trotted behind the counter to grab a mop.
“You know,” said an earth pony with a five-o-clock (A.M.) shadow as he smoothed down his mane and plopped the construction helmet back on his head, “you could save yourself a lotta trouble if you’d skip the chocolate milk.”
I wheeled the bucket up next to the chocolatey puddle and parked it there while I rested an elbow on the counter. “Hey,” I said, levitating a carafe of coffee from its heating pad to refill the stallion’s mug. “At least I stopped using coffee for that bit.”
He froze with the mug halfway to his lips and looked at the steam rising from the black liquid. With a half-frown, he set the mug down and slowly pushed it to the other side of the counter.
The other stallions laughed and spent a few seconds slapping each other on the back while I magicked the mop across the floor. One of them, in a crisp gray suit, nodded toward his cup. I topped it off and spooned a dollop of vanilla icing in afterward, then gave the liquid a spin with my magic.
At the other end of the counter, a stallion in blue overalls shook his head. “It’s my own personal theory that you enjoy the attention.” He took a bite of his bear claw and chewed with a smirk while I pondered grabbing a carton of chocolate milk from the fridge behind me. I halfheartedly smiled, and blinked three times. Four.
He finally swallowed and licked his lips. “Why else wouldn’t you get your address unlisted from the public directory?”
With a glow of my magic, I tugged his straw hat down over his eyes. “See, this is why you’re still playing in the dirt, and I’ve got a successful business. I can’t sell donuts if nopony knows where to find me.” I put a hoof to my chin as he straightened his hat and gave me a phony scowl. “Or did Donut Joe put you up to this? With me out of the way, he’d have a monopoly on the Canterlot donut market!”
A pegasus spoke with his mouth full, spraying crumbs across the counter. “Ha! I wonder if Donut Joe has these kind of problems?”
Swabbing the countertop with a rag was almost reflexive for me. “Yeah, maybe if he was named Donut Celestia, grew fifty percent taller, bleached his fur, and had an ethereal floating pastel mane.” I sighed. “So many ponies think Twilight can fix their problems. Or, you know, marry them.”
The businessstallion downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp and picked up his briefcase under the crook of his hoof. “Well, she might be able to solve your problems.”
I took a breath and froze, my mouth halfway to pronouncing a profanity. Maybe Twilight could solve my problems. I mean… she had caused them, however unintentionally.
“No. No.” I shook my head. “I know how she solves problems. Friendship this, and friendship that. She’ll probably just tell me to make friends with all these weirdos. I don’t need those kinds of friends. I don’t need friends at all.”
He was already gone. My delayed response drew a chuckle from the rest of the customers. I looked out through the glass storefront and spent a moment watching the sky slowly change colors. I grunted and stuffed the mop back in its bucket before wheeling it behind the counter again.
“Aren’t we your friends, though?” He apparently had gotten over the idea of me pouring scalding coffee over somepony’s face, and had returned to sipping his coffee.
“Nope,” I said as I turned around and removed the filter basket from the coffee machine. The dawn crowd was much, much larger than the pre-dawn crowd, and I’d need all my coffee pots to be full when they showed up. “That’s why I don’t know any of your names.”
The door jingled.
We all turned to look at the newcomer. Her coat and mane were both jet-black, with maybe a bit too much glisten. Like she’d just trotted out of a shampoo ad or something. A striking red cape hung off her shoulders, its flowing lengths pooling on the ground behind her while the stiff collar’s pointed corners stuck up around her ears. Raw, powerful magic crackled just beneath the surface of her horn.
I could hear the stallions snickering.
Without acknowledging anypony else in the room, she jabbed an accusatory hoof toward me and snarled, “Twilight, you are not qualified to be a princess!”
I put both my front hooves on the counter and grinned. “I agree! It’s nice to meet somepony on the same page, for once.”
If she was confused, she didn’t show it. She stomped her hoof back onto the ground and lowered her head menacingly toward me. “Prepare to be defeated, vile pretender!”
I levitated a glazed donut out of the display case. “My name is Twilight Sprinkle…”
This gets a thumbs up just for the hilarious premise alone
So, I guess you could saw she... donut have the time for this? Every time someone confuses her with Twilight Sparkle, her... eyes glaze over? But the times when she has to ward off some ancient evil really... take the cake? But is that the... hole story?
8076751 Dammit, Jake!
very cute.
Joe might hav some of those problems since ponies know Twilight does eat there occasionally
Oh yeah, this sounds like it's going to be a hilarious ride. Poor Twilight though... at least she has all of her glorious confectionery treats to keep her mind on.
I wonder if Twilight Sprinkle will have to deal with Pinkie Pie eventually. Only one way to find out!
There is potential here. Will track and give a provisional upvote for verve.
The premise itself earned a like out of me; after reading it, it was an instant fave. I only wish I could hit the like button twice
Okay, I have to track this one to see where it goes.
I never laughed at a description and a title and a chapter so hard, so fast in my life.
Thumbs up, and a tracker!
Please sir, may we have some MOAR!!!!!
Dear god! Why didn't I think of this?!
Feature Boxed at April 5 at 6:10PM PDT at 6th place. Thought you might want to know...
8076751 Well, we already get that she has to éclairify her identity, sometimes before they creme her, but also for other Bavarian reasons. I can't help but think she'll grow a little jelly, if she isn't already.
this is intriguing. I shall read it once all the chapters are up
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Ouch, the problems of having the same name as someone famous. Probably worse in Equestria considering most pony names intentionally or coincidentally suit them so she can't just change her name. Well, at least she gets to spend most of her time around donuts- if she'd been named Twilight Sprinkler, she'd have to go into lawn maintenance or something. Following, looking forward to the rest. Too bad a sign alone probably isn't enough to convince idiots to go bother Princess Twilight in Ponyville.
Celestia would probably like to be called Donut Celestia, or rather Cake Celestia would suit her more.
This looks really interesting!
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BAHAHAAHAHA!!!!
And as for the story, looking forward to more...
Hmmm... now this is has a lot of potential. I'll have to track this one.
Plus it's making me hungry for donuts.
I look forward to her encounter with Twilight Spackle or Twahlaht Sporkle.
ahahahahahhaa
So glad this finally came out. It felt impossible not spilling the beans while it was in progress.
This is one of the greatest things I've seen in a while.
I can't help but wonder how many other lavender unicorns have to deal with this sort of thing. Twilight Spackle the handymare, Twilight Speckle the artist, Twilight Sporkle the alternative silverware enthusiast...
This seems like a support group waiting to happen.
In any case, this seems like a very entertaining premise. Looking forward to more.
8076891 Agreed... have a fave, a like and a following
This sounds promising. :)
Wooo.
8076952 I know1 all that talk o' donuts, got me hungry for donuts and do nuts too
Hmm... You have successfully intrigued me. Well done, author.
I just spent the better part of a minute laughing.
Okay. I'm on board.
Favorited and tracked
This can only get more amusing from here. Nicely done!
AHAHAHA OH GOD~! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I liked the red and black villain at the end. lol
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I just really love this phrase.
Yes... Just, yes...
8076751 Holy sheet you're still alive.
My name is Twilight Sprinkle you killed my father prepare to die! My name is Twilight Sprinkle you killed my father prepare to die!
It was the Stallion with the six fingered Bear paw!
As you wish!
Look out for the rodents of unusual size!
Have a donut !
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Don't forget Twilight Spockle the fascinating logician.
It's perfect, like, perfect circle perfect, like a perfect circle glazed donut kind of perfect.
10/10 is good
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Twilight Sparkill, the assassin.
Twilight Sportle the Hoofball star.
Twilight Sparta, the history buff.
Twifight Sparkle, the MMA fighter.
Highlight Sparkle, the marker manufacturer.
Headlight Sparkle, the carriage salespony.
8077352 wat
8077133 WE WILL DIE TOGETHER, MY FRIEND, STRUCK BY THE FIEND CALLED COMEDY!!!!
Don't defeat them with friendship. Defeat them with sugary donutey goodness!
It's Twilight Sprinkle's nemesis, the Dread Donut Steel!
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Toilet Sparkle - Royal Sanitation Engineer and plumber.
Names are likely to duplicate, but it's more of a stretch that she also looks just like pre-Alicorn Twilight Sparkle, [1] But then considering how freely the artists reuse models for background ponies, it's only Protagonist Status that prevents Equestria being overrun with knockoffs of the Mane Five. (Heck, Moondancer is clearly a Twilight recolor with fake eyebrows glued on. )
A fun idea over all, and I will be interested to seeing where this goes. Will Inkie Pie, Ace Reporter, also be making an appearance?
[1] Rather strongly indicated by the cover picture, and "Swabbing the countertop with a rag was almost reflexive for me. “Yeah, maybe if he was named Donut Celestia, grew fifty percent taller, bleached his fur, and had an ethereal floating pastel mane.”
This reminds me of that old story about Twilight Sporkle ... I never got to finish it before it vanished off the interwebs ..
I may have gotten this one wrong, but the man who invented the pizza Raffaele Esposito was a body double of King Umberto the 1st of Italy... apparently there were more than a few similarities between the two men besides appearance. And, it's considered one of the top 25 coincidences of all time.
EDIT:
Never mind... it's apparently a hoax.
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There Really was a Twilight Sporkle story.
Sporkle was from an alternate reality where her talent was baking cakes. She got sucked into the main universe where she started a business and got herself a boyfriend. It was really sweet .. well before the story died and vanished off the website ...
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Oh my god, stop posting!