I'm an awesome person with an awesome personality. I like pie almost as much as MLP and my favorite pony is Fluttershy. Yeah, I don't know what else to say, except to read my fanfics!
A mysterious disease has been spreading all over Equestria turning all kinds of ponies into brain-eating zombies. The disease has reached all over Equestria and threatens to wipe out the pony race. The pony gang, along with the help of Spike, Shining Armor, and Princess Luna, try to figure out how to stop the disease before it's too late. But with friends dropping like flies on either side, will they make it in time?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow this thing went from normal to hell quick.
If you just gave us more detail it would have been a better story. I mean there are few instances where you tried to be descriptive with character's actions but most of the time it was just Character A did this and Character did this. I had some trouble understanding where characters were quite a bit.
Create paragraphs. You only spaced stuff when you were transitioning scene, which even then were hard to follow. Also create a space when characters are speaking
"Like this!"
Ok as for the story:
I might be poking a little deep into the story, but I find it rather funny that Twilight was reading up on the exact thing that was plaguing Celestia. I mean what are the odds.
Also you'd think someone would notice Celestia as her health was deteriorating. I mean I wouldn't say it straight to her face but I would probably ask those around her something like,
"Is Princess Celestia alright? I mean she looks like hell."
Luna asks Spike to send word to Twilight quickly, but leaves him with his spikes pinning him to the wall. What a bitch. And talking about Spike, he must be as fast as Sonic the hedgehog to have made it back to Ponyville from Canterlot in under one night.
There's quite a few other things I found the left me scratching my head but the last one i'll mention is that Celestia was in a cell an tranquilized, but when she was being evacuated she noticed her down there with them. I mean there's also the fact of how the disease spread so fast, but it I think to hard about it I might go and break something.
Okay, I just went over the other chapters.
As I said the pacing is quick and you need work on punctuation and grammar as well as spacing.
Also, unless Pinkie or one of the other girls was hollering out to the rest of Ponyville to evacuate as they ran to Sweet Apple Acres, which wouldn't make any sense seeing how she and the others weren't aware of any zombies in town, I don't see why Ponyville had ponies already fleeing from it. Unless those zombie got a tip from Spike on how to run so fast or something.
Not Bad
Dang it! I was going to write a fic about the zombiepocolypse.
Back to the drawing board...
Thank you to whoever did the first comment, I appreciate the constructive criticsm, I was never the hotshot at grammar and I'll take your worries or comments or whatever you wanna call it into consideration. I really appreciate it. Critical but not in a mean way like saying that it was stupid or something like that.
it was pretty good, just work on detail and paragraphs and i think you'll have a near perfect story
then again you are multiple chapters in so it may have already been fixed
868386 read on good sir, read on. and tell me whatcha think
that was nice, very creative with the changelings
869174 thank you, I appreciate the kind words, oh and right back at ya
I see I wasn't the only one who wrote a zompocolypse including the ponies.
899276 yeah, but my other story is in progress, so I stopped this one for the moment.
899285 I commented on the other story by the way.
If this goes along the lines of horror, feel free to refer to ANY of my stories...
they all have a VERY dark side to them while still remaining rated T.
Except for 1...
My grimdark had to be rated mature...
899296 okay... yeah, I saw your comment and i said stuff.
read on good sir!
oh my god i love this so far its amazing man i dont think ive been more on the edge of my seat in a long time
i absolutaly love this
just amazing
905309
Thank you. I'm gladden you liked it but I'm working on another story right now.
so try reading that instead dude.
906130 alright ill be glad too
they need to get some pills
Reminds me of the walking dead
(but great story)
948856 I call them Limpers
SHIT HITS THE FAN
Lights off there a sixth around here