In a void of pitch black night, a lone figure slumped tiredly in the gloom. He was the sole inhabitant of this landscape of shadows and emptyness, but, whereas he used to feel fear in the face of this void, it now proved to be boring rather than scary. His name was Cloud Nine, a pegasus stallion of average build for his job, well muscled but not extraordinarily so, in fact, as far as he was concerned he was the least extraordinary pony in existence. He had a mane the color of dulled metal, eyes the color of a cloudy sky, and a coat that once had been a rich sky blue, but had inexplicably started to grey rendering it the color of a winter ocean. His cutie mark added the only pop of color on his otherwise dull exterior, a white cloud with a small, green tornado in the center of it. Getting back to the matter at hoof, the void used to frighten him, but after years of having the same dream every night, it had lost its sense of dread. His fear being alone and forgoten had plagued him as colt, but now he felt it reflected his life perfectly. No friends, a family so far away they never saw each other, and no hope for a brighter tomorrow. He was just getting comfortable when all of the sudden- BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEEEEEP! Cloud awoke with a jolt and quickly silence his alarm. Unlike most ponies who would feel tired and angry at this early hour, or even those weird ponies who woke singing and smiling, Cloud felt how he always did, bored and empty.
"Why does life have to be so monotonous? Same thing every stinking day. If only I could go to some faraway land of adventure and excitement like all those books I've read, I might enjoy myself for once,"
he grumbled. Cloud might not like much, but he loved to read, using his books as an escape from reality where he was the hero who everyone adored rather than just another face in the crowd. He got out of bed with a groan.
"I'm up before frickin Celestia all because of my stupid job of 'guarding the dungeon', oh please I know why they stick me down there and give me so many days off, they don't want anypony to see me."
It was true he worked sporadically and in a place that hadn't been used in years, but mainly because the captain of the guard, Shining Armor, knew that all confidence in the guard would be lost if they saw Cloud's bored, uninterested face while on duty. After the Nightmare Moon fiasco a few months ago they couldn't afford to look weak. Cloud knew that his higher ups were just waiting to discharge him, but he resolved to never give them reason to. He needed this job, the only one job he had held down for longer than a month. As he donned his armor he glanced at his calendar that hung in the closet and let out an annoyed groan. He had today and the next two days off and had forgotten.
"Knew I should have stayed in bed today,"
he removed his gear with a sigh before grunted,
"Whatever, might as well take a shower."
After his shower Cloud sat on the couch in his living room and tried to think of what he could do for the next few days. His house was small, situated outside the city walls near the Whitetail Woods, it consisted of a small kitchen with a fridge and stove; the living room with a couch, two chairs and a couple overfull book shelves; a hall that led to the bathroom and his bedroom which held his medium sized bed, a nightstand complete with lamp and alarm clock, and a small closet. As he thought and thought he continued to realize he had absolutely nothing to occupy his time.
"Screw it, I'm going for a walk."
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In the woods still dark before the coming of dawn, a figure could be seen limping through the trees. This pony had a black, shiny body; blue, pupil-less eyes; fangs; membraneous wings; a curved horn and hole riddled legs. This creature was a changeling, and she was right at death's door. She had many cuts and bruises all over her chitinous carapace and was shivering uncontrollably. "I c-can't st-stop m-moving," she quietly chattered.
"If I st-stop now I'll f-f-freeze, or if that doesn't k-kill me, I'll die a s-slow d-d-death of st-starvation." This changeling was in trouble, beaten, bloody, starving and cold, she needed to make it to the city.
"Just a b-bit further and then I c-can disguise and sneak into th-that city. Just a b-bit f-further, I c-can m-m-make i-IT!"
The changeling stumbled and fell into the snow. She struggled to rise but couldn't get to her hooves. She soon gave up and laid there, shivering. How could this be the end? after months of hardship it all ended in some forest, far from any signs civilization.
Her eyes dimmed and she could no longer feel her hooves. She was slowly succumbing to the cold when, all of the sudden, a figure approached through the gloom a few feet in front of her. She saw it coming closer as it quickly ran towards her. As it drew near, she saw it was a pony, a pegasus stallion to be precise. With a whimper, the changeling said,
" P-please, d-don't h-hurt m-me, I'm s-sorry I'm in your w-woods just p-please... d-don't h-hurt m-me anymore."
She closed her eyes in preparation for whatever came next, whether this pony killed her or left her to her fate, there was nothing she could do to prevent her demise. But rather than a painful kick or the sound of receding hoofsteps, she felt something. She was gently lifted and set down on something... warm? and so very soft. Part of her said she needed to struggle to escape her mystery captor, but her freezing and tired side won. She practically melted into this ponies warm coat. When she felt him flinch, memories started surfacing of a pony looking at her with a look of disgust screaming,
" DON'T TOUCH ME YOU DISGUSTING FREAK!"
She whimpered a quick, "I'm sorry! please! I, I won't do it again!" But halfway through her begging the stranger shushed her and said,
"It's okay. I don't mind. You probably have hypothermia after being out here for Celestia knows how long."
And then she felt him shift his wings, covering her like a blanket. She threw caution to the wind and snuggled into his back, her shivering slowing slightly as she absorbed his body heat.
"Where are you taking me?" She mumbled.
"Well, to my house of course, and after that to the hospital once I'm convinced you're not going to keel over on me."
"N-no! Please don't take me to the hospital, I'm begging you!"
"Alright, alright! I'll just patch you up back home, no need to freak out." And with that, the unlikely duo headed towards his house.
What's up with the sudden time skip? From summer to winter in the blink of the eye for no real reason. Also who told you that the space-bar was how you indented chapters? Because they're filthy liars. Paragraphs indentions are done with the "Tab" key, the space-bar is so insignificant as to be unnoticeable. Also you keep splitting one sentence between two paragraphs.
Those in red are single sentences. Neither of these even need to be two paragraphs.
Of course this is only the things that are wrong, not including any improvements to add color and depth... like adding some internal dialogue instead of posting the characters' thoughts as boring narrative. Or switching out repetitive "all of a sudden"s with more descriptive and imaginative imagery.
Like that, for example.
8077458 Yeah, My writing was super choppy the first few chapters. I intend to fix it at some point, and thanks for the suggestions. Also it's supposed to be that this occurs around winter wrap up, but I must not have conveyed that clearly. I figured that with the whole winter wrap-up thing the seasons do sudden changes rather than gradual changes. The reason I separated sentences was to attempt to distinguish who was talking without starting each line of dialogue with "Cloud said" or something like that. Also in regards to your other comments, I was too stupid to think of putting thoughts in italics so I put them in quotation marks (I intend to change that soon) and the reason he is so blunt and rude is he has very little social experience. That was something I decided could be a character flaw (I would rather not create a Gary Stu thank you very much) because most of the time original characters wind up being super polite and well spoken. And I mean come on, not everybody's like that. I appreciate the constructive criticism and hope to fix these problems in the future.