Nice continuation of the story presented. It is good so far although Chrysalis transition from being depressed and crushed to "just" confused and playing along with anything Celestia does was kind of abrupt. But the interactions between Celestia and Chrysalis were well written and felt real. Also I love your idea of Chrysalis being able to feed from ambient feelings. Can't wait to see this story continue. Keep the good work up.
PS: Just a little sidenote: This is just a personal oppinion but it always takes me out when I read a character from MLP say "fuck/fucking" in a story that is supposed to go for an approach that mirrors the actual show (unless it wasn't your intention and you took these liberties knowingly; then I apologize) especially coming from a regal character in a situation that is not that out of the ordinary. Just a personal tidbit feel free to ignore it :).
7848377 Thanks for the feedback dude. And the thing with the swearing was intentional. My goal was to give the characters more personality and in my minds eye Luna is the more 'vulgar' princess. To me if I just followed the template the actual show laid down it would be really PG. I have always felt that to make something real or believable there needs to be real interactions there. Like if someone did that to me or most people I know they would be absolutely pissed. Just kind of went off that idea. Anyway thanks again for the feedback.
7934880 I could think of a metric ton of villains that would have won if they didn't gloat about their victory a minute before deciding to kill their opponents.
7963833 Both of which could have been avoided if she wasn't so damn arrogant. When Cadance said she combine their love to activate Shining's shield. she laughed forgetting Shining's love allowed her to beat Celestia's flank. Chrysalis thought that Starlight Glimmer wasn't worth replacing and lock what happened.
Rule of English to fix a few paragraphs: New speaker, new paragraph. If Chrysalis is talking at the beginning of the paragraph, when Celestia speaks, start a new one. It's ease and convenience and it causes me confusion for a few seconds when people don't follow this rule as I have to now figure out who is speaking at any given moment in a paragraph. This obviously also takes me out of the work and detracts from my overall enjoyment of this interesting piece.
“Sister you have made the world a much more peaceful place in my absence. Something like this before the nightmare would not have been too out of place but now it is something unprecedented. Tia we have both been alive for a long time, we have done much we would like to forget. One thing that has held true in all of our past experiences is that you never failed to try and help. No matter the crime, no matter the enemy, you have always held on to the belief that deep down every creature has good in them. You just have to take the time to look.”
That is a damn lie. Shit goes on you just don't see it. Also since twilight has been a thing you have no choice but to see it.
Only one thing came to mind looking at the display before her. By the gods, these two are in charge of an entire country... how the hell did I lose to them?
You were foolish and greedy. Even now, with no magic, I could take the throne.
Nice continuation of the story presented. It is good so far although Chrysalis transition from being depressed and crushed to "just" confused and playing along with anything Celestia does was kind of abrupt. But the interactions between Celestia and Chrysalis were well written and felt real. Also I love your idea of Chrysalis being able to feed from ambient feelings. Can't wait to see this story continue. Keep the good work up.
PS: Just a little sidenote: This is just a personal oppinion but it always takes me out when I read a character from MLP say "fuck/fucking" in a story that is supposed to go for an approach that mirrors the actual show (unless it wasn't your intention and you took these liberties knowingly; then I apologize) especially coming from a regal character in a situation that is not that out of the ordinary. Just a personal tidbit feel free to ignore it :).
7848377 Thanks for the feedback dude. And the thing with the swearing was intentional. My goal was to give the characters more personality and in my minds eye Luna is the more 'vulgar' princess. To me if I just followed the template the actual show laid down it would be really PG. I have always felt that to make something real or believable there needs to be real interactions there. Like if someone did that to me or most people I know they would be absolutely pissed. Just kind of went off that idea. Anyway thanks again for the feedback.
You didn't. Both times, you lost because of your own cockiness.
7934880
I could think of a metric ton of villains that would have won if they didn't gloat about their victory a minute before deciding to kill their opponents.
7934880 actully by a dues ex machina that no one saw coming
7963833 Both of which could have been avoided if she wasn't so damn arrogant. When Cadance said she combine their love to activate Shining's shield. she laughed forgetting Shining's love allowed her to beat Celestia's flank. Chrysalis thought that Starlight Glimmer wasn't worth replacing and lock what happened.
Rule of English to fix a few paragraphs: New speaker, new paragraph. If Chrysalis is talking at the beginning of the paragraph, when Celestia speaks, start a new one. It's ease and convenience and it causes me confusion for a few seconds when people don't follow this rule as I have to now figure out who is speaking at any given moment in a paragraph. This obviously also takes me out of the work and detracts from my overall enjoyment of this interesting piece.
That is a damn lie. Shit goes on you just don't see it. Also since twilight has been a thing you have no choice but to see it.
You were foolish and greedy. Even now, with no magic, I could take the throne.