- Member Since 23rd Mar, 2016
- offline last seen February 2nd
The Bricklayer
Slow down, you're doing fine, you can't be everything you want to be, before your time... -Vienna, The Stranger: Billy Joel. (Any Pronouns)
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please do something about that text wall in the start, it scared me
makes it hard to read.
seriously... spacing
7826212 Okay, should be a bit better now and easier to read.
7826213
yay I love fast fixes. thanks
7826246 Yeah, I myself was worried about that as well. Hey, thanks for the fave by the way!
Interesting story, I didn't catch on the plot theme from the intro until I arrive at the scene were Gilda wears diapers. Honestly I do find these adult babies weird. I do understand for some it's a copping mechanism due to some trauma, less for those who it is a fetish, but this is as far I would judge anyone.
Also this story show exactly why I despise paparazzi, effing vultures, they respect nothing and nobody just for the sake of money or glory. If what I learned in an episode of NCIS about Roosevelt demanding journalists to never photograph him in his wheelchair and they accept it, then time sure have changed.
Using Sugar Belle as your bigot, yeah not your classiest move, but I do applaud you for making a tie to Rarity's family from her last name.
You really hammering us on that Lynyrd Skynyrd band do you. Oh and nice way to promote your over story where Grape Vine appears.
Mistakes found:
its
an
an
an
an
7826997
Well, that reporter is named EFF Stop for a reason I suspect...
Yeah, as I said in my AN, I hated it as well, but somepony had to be the one to call Gilda a freak, and I liked the idea of somepony related to the Mane Six being the bigot, so Sugar Belle had to be the unlucky soul. But I promise, if I include Sugar in a future story somehow, I'll be much nicer to her.
Yeah, sorry, I'll tone it down a little. And as for promoting Going Deep Under, I thought it'd be a funny bit of irony for Grape Vine (The story's resident butt monkey) to be the one to be actually writing the story. Mind you, he probably had to change a few names to get past legal, or pay royalty fees though...
It could certainly use a bit of spacing, otherwise a nice read
Not too shabby! Good read. Enjoyed it.
There's a good writer hiding in there, but the constant asides that only cause the pacing to be broken are a major issue. They're simply not effective at injecting humor into the story, nor do they impart information in a natural and entertaining way. Additionally, the characters are stretched too far to have but a passing remember to their canon counterparts, and having them drop f-bombs is both jarring and poor dialogue design.
Mechanics wise things were okay, but again the asides demonstrated a tenuous grasp on punctuation techniques. You also need to review how to punctuate dialogue.
Overall, it's better than the majority of fetish work here, so take that as you will.
Ha, Aerin is me!