Going insane

#1 · Nov 30th, 2011 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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more?

deleteduser111010010101

deleteduser111010010101 #2 · Nov 30th, 2011 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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Eh... just a heads up, you might get bashed a little for this. Humans in Equestria are a little over done, your story doesn't flow very much, it's short as 'ell, not to mention it looks like it might turn into a Mary Sue

Pony

Pony #3 · Nov 30th, 2011 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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45505 I'm well aware of that. Hopefully it will turn out a bit different. I'll steer clear from cliche stuff and evil villians in which he has defeat using friendship blah blah blah. Also, it's my second fiction so don't really expect something spectacular.

Gytrash

Gytrash #4 · Nov 30th, 2011 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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It could be said to be relevant to my interests. Well written so far although the chapter is a little short. I find that the habit that some people have at leaving off in the middle of a conversation annoying but that is just a minor irritation. This is well worth a track,

#5 · Nov 30th, 2011 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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Very interesting. Although I saw/read something odd in the beginning. "I looked around at my surrounding and saw I was inside a dark and ruined by years of moss and decay." The character describes where he is without actually saying where he is! I'm guessing he is in some sort of mausoleum?

Tango

Tango #6 · Nov 30th, 2011 · · · Chapter 1 ·

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interesting story, you might want to check your tenses though.
I noticed multiple times that you use past and present tense, sometimes in the same sentence, while the story is written in past tense.
After getting dress, I headed downstairs to get something to eat. I scratch my head, wondering what to have; I then open the fridge to see if there’s anything tasty, I pick up a carton of juice and take a swig of it, then I shut the fridge door and when over to the pantry to grab a packet of chips.
you start in the past, then you write in the present, and finally you end in the past tense.

My vision was blurry and I blink a few times.
here in the same sentence.

maybe you could read your story again and check for these kind of errors, they can distract readers from the story.
and for the rest, keep writing, ill be following

SureFreeD