Behind the Curtain of Royalty
This one majestic night, under the starry sky, lay two alicorns, two princesses, two sisters, as they gazed up at the stars that twinkled every few seconds.
"You've really outdone yourself tonight, Lulu." The white, lighter alicorn remarked, adding her darker sister's nickname at the end.
"Oh Tia, don't tease. It's like this every night." Luna felt a faint blush come upon her as she spoke the modest words.
"Just don't forget to raise the moon." Celestia pointed out in a childish giggle.
"Oh, right. Thanks Tia, you're a life saver."
"Don't mention it Lulu. Well, I better head off, the Summer Sun Celebration is coming up tomorrow you know, and I don't wanna have you drag me out of bed in the morning." The two laughed at the thought of it as Celestia waved farewell.
"Goodnight Tia!" She called to her sister as she disappeared in a flash of white, then was gone. With a sigh, Luna looked up to her still starry sky. Concentrating magic to her horn, she lifted up to moon with almost no exhaustion at all. It had been easier to getting used to in the time she'd returned to fill her duties as Princess of the Night.
And things were just great! A good home, a great sister to talk to, but no friends.
She could clearly remember her first Nighmare Night at Ponyville. All the screaming citizens, running in terror from her, or bowing in fear. Of course she had no friends, she was royalty, she was a princess, she was a ruler of Equestria. She need not any friends other than her sister.
Then a sudden grief took her openly as her eyes began to develop tears.
What kind of pony has no friends? Who only talks to her sister for all of eternity, and who everypony looks at as an enemy or royalty? The thoughts raced through her head as she began to shudder with deep ragged breaths. Trying as hard as she could to remember somepony, anypony, who thought themselves as an equal, or at least a friend.
Only one name came to mind as she muttered under her breath.
"Twilight Sparkle..." Then took off into the night, her destination, Ponyville.
-----------
Within the archive like tree house, a lavender unicorn lay over a book, asleep from the long hours of nightly studying. Just then she felt a hoof nudge her shoulder.
"Huh?" She groaned, her senses drowsy from the sudden awakening. Everything blurry, but she could still make out what she saw. Princess Luna. Teary-eyed. Standing right in front of her. Shaking her head to hopefully regain her senses, she asked. "Princess Luna what's wrong?"
The princess just stared back at her then placed a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. Then out of nowhere, the two disappeared in a flash. When they appeared again, they were on an open field out who knows where.
Confused and disoriented, Twilight shook her head once more as she turned to Luna.
"Luna! What-" But she was interrupted as Luna fell onto her with a hug as she flung her head over the unicorn's shoulder, followed by the princess's burst of sobs. Each louder and more grief filled then the next as she held onto Twilight for all the comfort she gave back.
Not completely understanding what was going on, Twilight just remained in place, patting Luna's back in hopes of comforting her. After a minute or two, Luna finally released and pulled away quickly, covering her face with her hooves.
"I-I'm so sorry Twilight S-Sparkle. I just- needed a friend. I needed somepony I could trust. I needed somepony who understood me for who I am. And, I couldn't think of anypony else. Each time, I only remembered their terrified faces. And the only face that wasn't was yours." Luna continued to sob once more. "I'm sorry if I took you by surprise, I just-just"
Just then she was cut off, as a lavender hoof was placed across her mouth.
"It's okay, I understand, just let it all out."
Blinking her murky eyes, the princess wiped away her tears and looked into Twilight's eyes.
"No, that is enough tears shed for one night. But to tell you the truth Twilight, I was wondering if I could chat with you?"
"Of course." The scholarly unicorn replied.
"Well, you know how my sister has a Summer Sun Celebration every year, right?" Twilight nodded in response."Well, I was wondering if you could ask her if we could have a Winter Moon Celebration also." Luna blushed slightly as she suggested her plan. "You see, I'm kind of too embarrassed to ask her, because I think she'll think me guilty, or greedy, and maybe she'll..." The last few words were mumbled too quietly for Twilight to hear.
"What was that?"
"Um, it was nothing..."
"Luna~" Twilight sang the alicorn's name.
"Okay! Okay! I'm afraid she'll send me to the moon."
With a giggle Twilight replied. "Oh Luna, you're so funny, you know that Cele- I mean your sister would never do that to you." With a reassuring smile, Twilight nodded to the princess.
"I know that, but I don't want to take any chances." She shuddered, thinking of her banishment. "Please Twilight, I can't do it without you. You can call me a wimp! Or maybe a scaredy cat? I don't care, but please, ask her." With pleading eyes, Luna begged the unicorn in front of her with all her heart.
Knowing that she really meant it, and wanted it so badly, Twilight couldn't refuse. "Fine, alright?" She finally said, allowing Luna a sigh of relief. "But..." Luna's ears perked up once more, expecting the worse, for what she'd asked of the pony in front of her(to herself) seemed like a banishment worthy crime. "Every night, we have to meet here, same place, just the two of us. And maybe I could teach you a thing or two about friendship." Twilight said with a grin.
With wide, happy eyes, Luna joyfully pulled Twilight into a hug once more, but not out of grief, but of utter glee.
"Thank you Twilight Sparkle! You really helped me tonight and I won't let you down. Same place, same time!"
"Okay, but, could you let go now, I can't really-er- breath." Realizing how tight Luna was hugging the pony, she let go as the unicorn flopped onto her belly against the soft, plush grass. "Don't mention it. And, um, where are we exactly?"
"Oh, just 30 miles north off the west wall of Canterlot castle. Don't worry, I'll help you with your teleportation magic, as you help me with my friendship. Win-Win situation, right Twilight Sparkle?"
With a simple nod, and a cheerful grin, Twilight laid down across the grass. A few seconds after she was joined by Luna, who lay quietly beside her. Then, in a gentle, but audible, whisper, Twilight said.
"You know Luna, nights like these don't come too often. Just look at the starry sky above. You should be proud of yourself Luna." Twilight gave the princess a peachy smile as Luna hesitated momentarily. then replied.
"You're right Twilight. I should be proud of myself, after all, I am the Princess of the Night, and so, this starry sky, belongs to me." But in truth, it belonged to both of them as the young unicorn had now become a big part of anypony's life, she'd just become her new best friend under their starry sky.
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I know, it's short. I'll make more, if you want.
Well that was a nice bit of one-shottery. Good grammar, might stick some paragraphs together that don't have different speakers at the beginning. If ya make more (which you will probably will do) then keep it simple. Anytime anyone tries to go for grand it ends up looking like a cheap cellophane parade.
The story itself wasn't bad, given it didn't have much direction.
I would however advise you to find an editor, or read aloud the text you wrote. Wrong tenses used, losing track of what you wrote, confusing verbs are just some things that pulled at my attention while reading, knocking me out of the flow.
I'll withdraw from voting until you get around to fixing those details
could evolve into a bigger friend-shipping story, but i don't see it really launching off into some huge epic story. But still enjoyable.
841444
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/340/e/d/moar_ponies_by_benashton24-d4idi5w.png
841460 Hehe, I was thinking it would look like that, but had to see for myself.
Apparently that didn't turn out to well.
841461 Yah, I'm not a man of many words, and sometimes I can't find the right ones to use, so I just improvise and hope the readers pass it off as a small mistake.
841472 Not meant to be a huge epic adventure of sorts. Just a short, sad fiction, in which Luna realizes how pitiful her life really is and turns to the one pony who isn't her sister for guidance and a small favor.
841488 Well said.
And so, I think I'll write another chapter. An epilogue perhaps?
I enjoyed this, quite a lot actually, the only issues/errors have already been pointed out so i think i can skip that, no?
But yeah, get yourself an editor and keep writing this, or more like this, pwetty pwease?
Thumb'd up and watched.
Have a good night/day or whatever fits your timezone!
<3
841444
Haven't read this yet, but I strongly recommend you change the description. It sounds more like author's notes to me.
Now we need a sequel about Luna preparing for a winter moon celebration.
Everything's there, it just needs refinement.
Let's see, a few issues I have:
It's just silly. You show rather than tell all the way through, which is good, and then you just dump something on us that would be more effective by being subtly implied.
- I can't imagine the characters saying a lot of the things they say. I try to imagine it in their voices but it just doesn't work.
- Missing commas abound.
- You need to learn when and when not to use florid prose. It's nice to start with it, but when every description has to be flowery it just becomes irritating.
- Lack of atmosphere. It could do with being longer and slower. Build up some tension and emotional suspense.
- That ending.
Some good points:
- Your prose is nice.
- You've gone for the slightly more naive interpretation of Luna which sits well with me.
- Your overall characterisation is well done.
A good attempt. Keep it up.
841746 Don't worry there's an epilogue
I'll be sure to do my best with avoiding them next time
841778 I changed it
841807 That's in the epilogue
844067 I know I screwed up bad, and I do need to get an editor, but thanks for pointing them out
844077
Saying you screwed up is just being harsh on yourself. Overall it's a good piece, there's just a lot of room for it to get better.
844083 Yeah, I guess you're right.
844077
Not bad, but it needs work. The emotions were there, which was good, but the execution was lacking. Timefly was correct in all of his points, but I would like to add that, along with OOC dialogue, your dialogue punctuation needs refining. If you like, I can provide you a couple of guides on this subject.
Also, you changed paragraphs at odd times in some places. The most notable:
My first reaction was: Wait, what?
When a character speaks, the dialogue and their action ("said", "replied", etc.) go in the same paragraph.
On a final note, there are places where your sentences are choppy, which is mainly due to minor grammar issues. While the grammar isn't such a big deal in this case, the fact that it interrupts the flow of the story is the main issue here.
That's all I have. I do want to say, though, that the emotion of the story was nice. I liked your interpretation of Luna's character as well, and I enjoyed the overall storyline, it just needs work is all.
844188 Yeah, I went a little overboard with the paragraphs didn't I?
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More? :3
844913 Hmm there will be an epilogue though I'm going through writer's block so it may take awhile.
That was nice :)
845157 Finally, a non-critic comment. Not that the critic comments were bad, I was just hoping for a more positive feedback.
841444
I actually -really- like this. Please write more chapters to continue the story?
849639 Hmm, I'll think about it
849639 Okay, there will be two more chapters, and maybe an epilogue.
And I'm almost done with the next chapter! 
844936 Aww :/
Well, as long as there will be more :3
This story was good; it was filled with description, and your attention for detail was great. However, the emotions that the characters go through seem a bit rushed. It lacked finesse and execution - almost like they barely felt a thing. For example, one thought about not having any friends, and Luna was already crying. Next time, develop the characters a bit better. Use your attention to detail with speech and emotions, not just the descriptions. Other than this and a few missing commas, the story was excellent. Don't take my critique to heart, I'm only trying to help you develop your writing skills.
Have favourited, liked and am currently waiting for more.
850700 Thanks! You're the best.