Life is short and so are my stories. Enjoy!
Princess Luna, otherwise known as Princess of the Night, realizes, on one starry night, of her pitiful life. With no friends to turn to, she thinks only of the one pony who ever showed her the tiniest bit of friendship. Not those who feared her, or those who pampered her just because she was a princess. But a true friend, by the name of Twilight Sparkle.
Also, someone actually did a dramatic reading of this fiction. Here it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFBrkDCDWX4
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I know, it's short. I'll make more, if you want.
Well that was a nice bit of one-shottery. Good grammar, might stick some paragraphs together that don't have different speakers at the beginning. If ya make more (which you will probably will do) then keep it simple. Anytime anyone tries to go for grand it ends up looking like a cheap cellophane parade.
The story itself wasn't bad, given it didn't have much direction.
I would however advise you to find an editor, or read aloud the text you wrote. Wrong tenses used, losing track of what you wrote, confusing verbs are just some things that pulled at my attention while reading, knocking me out of the flow.
I'll withdraw from voting until you get around to fixing those details
could evolve into a bigger friend-shipping story, but i don't see it really launching off into some huge epic story. But still enjoyable.
841444
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841460 Hehe, I was thinking it would look like that, but had to see for myself.
Apparently that didn't turn out to well.
841461 Yah, I'm not a man of many words, and sometimes I can't find the right ones to use, so I just improvise and hope the readers pass it off as a small mistake.
841472 Not meant to be a huge epic adventure of sorts. Just a short, sad fiction, in which Luna realizes how pitiful her life really is and turns to the one pony who isn't her sister for guidance and a small favor.
841488 Well said.
And so, I think I'll write another chapter. An epilogue perhaps?
I enjoyed this, quite a lot actually, the only issues/errors have already been pointed out so i think i can skip that, no?
But yeah, get yourself an editor and keep writing this, or more like this, pwetty pwease?
Thumb'd up and watched.
Have a good night/day or whatever fits your timezone!
<3
841444
Haven't read this yet, but I strongly recommend you change the description. It sounds more like author's notes to me.
Now we need a sequel about Luna preparing for a winter moon celebration.
Everything's there, it just needs refinement.
Let's see, a few issues I have:
It's just silly. You show rather than tell all the way through, which is good, and then you just dump something on us that would be more effective by being subtly implied.
- I can't imagine the characters saying a lot of the things they say. I try to imagine it in their voices but it just doesn't work.
- Missing commas abound.
- You need to learn when and when not to use florid prose. It's nice to start with it, but when every description has to be flowery it just becomes irritating.
- Lack of atmosphere. It could do with being longer and slower. Build up some tension and emotional suspense.
- That ending.
Some good points:
- Your prose is nice.
- You've gone for the slightly more naive interpretation of Luna which sits well with me.
- Your overall characterisation is well done.
A good attempt. Keep it up.
841746 Don't worry there's an epilogue
I'll be sure to do my best with avoiding them next time
841778 I changed it
841807 That's in the epilogue
844067 I know I screwed up bad, and I do need to get an editor, but thanks for pointing them out
844077
Saying you screwed up is just being harsh on yourself. Overall it's a good piece, there's just a lot of room for it to get better.
844083 Yeah, I guess you're right.
844077
Not bad, but it needs work. The emotions were there, which was good, but the execution was lacking. Timefly was correct in all of his points, but I would like to add that, along with OOC dialogue, your dialogue punctuation needs refining. If you like, I can provide you a couple of guides on this subject.
Also, you changed paragraphs at odd times in some places. The most notable:
My first reaction was: Wait, what?
When a character speaks, the dialogue and their action ("said", "replied", etc.) go in the same paragraph.
On a final note, there are places where your sentences are choppy, which is mainly due to minor grammar issues. While the grammar isn't such a big deal in this case, the fact that it interrupts the flow of the story is the main issue here.
That's all I have. I do want to say, though, that the emotion of the story was nice. I liked your interpretation of Luna's character as well, and I enjoyed the overall storyline, it just needs work is all.
844188 Yeah, I went a little overboard with the paragraphs didn't I?
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More? :3
844913 Hmm there will be an epilogue though I'm going through writer's block so it may take awhile.
That was nice :)
845157 Finally, a non-critic comment. Not that the critic comments were bad, I was just hoping for a more positive feedback.
841444
I actually -really- like this. Please write more chapters to continue the story?
849639 Hmm, I'll think about it
849639 Okay, there will be two more chapters, and maybe an epilogue.
And I'm almost done with the next chapter! 
844936 Aww :/
Well, as long as there will be more :3
This story was good; it was filled with description, and your attention for detail was great. However, the emotions that the characters go through seem a bit rushed. It lacked finesse and execution - almost like they barely felt a thing. For example, one thought about not having any friends, and Luna was already crying. Next time, develop the characters a bit better. Use your attention to detail with speech and emotions, not just the descriptions. Other than this and a few missing commas, the story was excellent. Don't take my critique to heart, I'm only trying to help you develop your writing skills.
Have favourited, liked and am currently waiting for more.
850700 Thanks! You're the best.
Well then, I know I said it would be a one shot fiction, but now, well, I think I'll continue it for like two more chapters.
Very good I like this and will keep watch as it progresses well done
No feedback? Aww, I was hoping for some...
Sorry I'm late to the party - been pretty busy recently. Heard you wanted some feedback.
Overall, this is good. The concept is original, and I literally have no idea where it is going. While this can be sometimes bad with stories, this story makes good use of that element. However, it may need some development. Some of the lines you put for Luna seemed a bit out of character. For example, she says, "I dunno." To me, that doesn't sound a lot like Luna. You did nail Twilight's speech though, so that's fine.
Looking forward to the next chapter, whenever that will be.
I Love the "i believe in you" Twily and can't wait for the first kiss.
TwiLuna forever!
1127438 Err, sorry but no shipping. I'm not good with that kinda stuff. Sorry
1128738
I'm perfectly happy with Friendshipping.
1129755 Ok then, thanks for understanding!
I like, Please write more sire!
sequel please
It's an open ending of sorts, that last chapter. I say go for the sequel, but only if you want to.
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Please.
I think the sequel would be
niceawesome! :)2867218>>2867252>>2868643>>2869522 Next question, should it be simple or should it expand?
2871713 It's not my call to say what you'll do, but I would enjoy some expansion. Heck, I'd even help with editing if you wanted.
2872110 Thanks, people have been telling me I need one for a while now
2872114 Well, send me a message if you want me to help. I'm on the proofreader group if you want credentials or anything like that.
...I have never advertised myself before.
This feels odd.
Anyways, I like this story.
2872198 Okay, I'll PM you when I actually have something to show you. *Cracks Fingers* Time to start writing...
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Do what you want, man, but a sequel would be great.