Just an 18yr old British Brony who like a good story :)
Half Baked, a renowned and celebrated baker, decides that he's fed up of having to live up to his family name and reputation of being one of the finest bakers in all of Equestria; he wants to live his life in peace and do what he wants to do for a change instead of having to cater for everyone else.
However, he soon finds that trying to follow your dream isn't as easy as it may seem..
Page generated in 0.077 seconds
Total duration
961 users online
1,489,057 hits today, 2,151,698 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This is why you say no to peer pressure kiddos.
Giving Derpy, (Oops. I meant Ditzy) a love interest? That is quite genius.
842570 It just seemed to fit
2nd paragraph u mispelled color
844942 'Tis the British spelling KB ;)
... I don't even
The "i"s in "i'll" and "i'm" should be capitalized and you "pique" someone's interest, not "peak" it.
Writing a story with OCs is a bit of a risk, (people seem to have an irrational hatred for them) but Half seems to not be looking like a Marty Stu or a self-insert, and he's an earth pony! (waaay too many unicorn/pegasi or even alicorn OCs...) Make sure he reacts to situations realistically but in an interesting way.
Pretty well written so far, but seems a bit slow paced. Slice of life is fine, but make sure there's something to keep the reader engaged, it doesn't have to be anything overly dramatic like a sweeping romantic epic, because almost anything can be made interesting when written well enough.
Decent first fic, nothing too new or interesting (so far anyway!) but there's potential, I just hope you have a plan on where you're taking this!
Tracking becuase I want to see where this is going! (please make it somewhere good!)
847473 Thanks for the Constructive criticism, I was hoping that I'd get some :) All the slight errors have been corrected
It's a little slow paced at the second like you said but it's only the first few chapters so far and I assure you that I'll try my best to keep it an interesting read. I have got a plan for future chapters and, hopefully, i'll be able to make them up to standard.
*little spoiler* It wont be a romantic epic novel like you mentioned but there will be shipping
I have to say that you're doing a great job with this fic so far. Normally I try to avoid things that aren't complete out of fear that I'll find a great story that never gets finished. Keep up the good work and I really hope you'll see this fic to the end.
872319 I'm going to try my darnedest to see this story through 'till the end and I'm going to try and get an update out at least once a week and thanks for the positive feed back :)
Remember to use "everypony" instead of everybody. Remember their grammar. (⌐■_■)
"Twilight and Half ducked down in the nick of time, narrowly avoiding Pound Cake as he flew overhead carrying, what you would’ve assumed to be too heavy for him, a large bag of confectioners sugar with Mrs Cake following him around the shop, or at least trying to."
This sentence is a bit hard to read, there's about 3 sentences worth of action in here but you've smushed it all together and it's pretty confusing to read. This sounds like something someone would say in a conversation, but when it's written it's pretty confusing. Also, the "avoiding" in the first line makes it seem like Twilight and Half are the ones moving.
Maybe something like: "Twilight and Half ducked as Pound Cake sailed overhead with an enormous sack of sugar clasped in his hooves, giggling at his mother's attempts to chase him."
I'm not too good on my grammar and I think there's something wrong with the subject of the sentence but that's not really important, just make sure it makes sense to someone who hasn't read it before!
Another thing is that the reactions of the characters are a little unlikely, I find it a bit funny that a customer walks into the bakery and Mrs. Cake asks him to help out in the kitchen! Also, when someone else's baby is crying, you don't try to comfort it, you pass it off to someone else as soon as you can! (or at least I would!)
Pinkie and Twilight seem to be well written enough, nothing that made me want to scream "OOC!!!" from the rooftops! Just make sure they react appropriately if they feature more in this story (I remember you saying they'd only have a small part?). Anyway, decent chapter, it held my interest more than previous ones, keep it up and keep improving!
874220 Hm, i'll revise that part after reading your comment. My initial thought was that since Mr. and Mrs. Cake where a little busy trying to catch their children that they'd need someone to give Pinkie a bit of a helping hand but I may give that part a bit of a re-write if you think it needs it.
And yes, Pinkie and most of the other Mane 6 will, most likely, have lesser roles in the story (or so I hope)
once again thanks for the very helpful comment :)
Edit; Changes have been made and I hope that it now seems a little more realistic
Wow!
I have been following this story since the day you started, and well its brilliant, a love story, a bakers story, a pony story, and an awesome story!
I can't wait to see more of this!
It's been 11 days since I last read a chapter... I can't stand waiting
no pressure
Not a bad return! You seem to be improving! I'm actually pretty interested as to where this is going! Keep it up!