- Member Since 3rd Aug, 2015
- offline last seen Yesterday
Twilight Archon
All ways respect other from the beginning, respect can bring you far in life.
Twilight Archon
Joined 3rd Aug, 2015 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Phosys · 5.8k words · 39 17 · 1k views
- Numie · 3.6k words · 69 22 · 2k views
- Knight of Crows · 3.9k words · 52 9 · 2.1k views
- Titan Commander Sebaste · 12k words · 51 7 · 1.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.108 seconds
Total duration
944 users online
2,244,728 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Interesting but I feel as if the first chapter was somewhat rushed but other wise your off to a good start
Pleas get a Betareader and then try again. The way it is now it is more work than pleasure to read.
Don't tell us about how hard your loadout is SHOW US! Don't tell us write a few fighting scenes where you describe the effect of your Elemental combo, melting armor and flesh and such things!
How does he know that they are "humanoid horse"? What gave them away? If the are Humanoid as you say this can mean a lot. Again SHOW US not tell us.
No the character wasn't informed to follow them Lotus told him she ordered him, not informed him.
Missing ".
Ok one thing, If you want to give of this "oh is this strange/What are they/Is this fur?" feeling/questioning thought than do this the first time he sees them and identifies the, like the description. don't wait when you tell us already that they are some sort of "humanoid horse". Describe them the first time he gives us a something like "humanoid horse" don't wait until he is in front of them or has followed them around for some time because this makes him look stupid for just noticing it if he already told us what they are.
"I’m not going to go into more detail but" yea. when you say you stop. Stop.
“Tenno see if you can befriend them and see what information you can get from the friendship” This sounds so cheese even the cheese smells cheese. take out the " the friendship" part and put a "them" in and you have a more believable character. This way it sounds like one of this bad cartoons for the real little kids.
Also, if they are "humanoid horses" Why is Twilight not using her hands to write something down? Id doesn't look like she has her hands full or something on the line.
Pleas get into more detail about your landingcraft as it looks like it is a completely different one than the ones in the game.
Over all. Not the weakest start. But pleas, peas get a beta reader or a Editor. It was hard work to read all of the first chapter. It is at some places so confusing, you don't know the POV or the person who is talking. This story could be great. But get this problems fixed.
7799036 So you want me to be more discriptive? I just don't like to write a discriptive story that's all. I can do minor descriptons though.
7799123 Its not only the amount of description, but also the placement and the how. Best example the description of the mane six. You could have given us the over all description with a little bit of color when he first saw them and a few details like who is who and who has wings and not and so when he confronted them.
Or when you told us about the loadout, you don't just say "Yeah this is my build it is to hit hard and has corrosive" you need to show it to us in a fighting scene or other ways.
So over all yea, more description is needed here. But in the right way and at the right time.
7799135 All right thanks working on the girls right now at 2 am XD.