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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yeah this is an odd style of writing. Dialogue followed by internal mobologue that repeats Dialogue in another perspective really does tsound so good.
9855047
This is what I like to see. Now I know I have to go back to fix up that part of the story. Any more areas you see that's wrong?
Do you have Any fights pland?
And this is doing good you still have my atention.
9855068
I have many things planned so you're just going to have to wait. But I'm glad I still got your attention, hopefully I could keep you and anybody else entertained
9855050
Your story format is heavily redundant and could use a lot of streamlining as well as composition editing. For example, Think this, the reader already knows they are going to be cautious around him, so instead, this,
Unknownst to any of them, Zero was listening to their conversation the whole time. He thinks to himself he has to play his cards right, otherwise they’re going to try and question him as just like a game of chess or checkers, he has to make the right move otherwise it could cost him the game. He hears them come back as he puts away his bowie knife as he looks at all of them, “So what’s the verdict?”
would read smoother as:
Unbeknownst to any of them, Zero had listened in on their entire conversation, irritation spreading like a rash on his nerves. He would need to be cautious, play his cards just right, else risk an information probe that would run like a game of chess or checkers, one wrong move and the game was forfeit, perhaps with his life. As the sounds of their footsteps approached him he tucked away his knife and with eyes focused on the six individuals, he asked nonchalantly,"So, what's the verdict?"/"What appears to be the problem?"
The dialogue after the '/' would imply that he would not have heard anything they said while yours would have hinted that he knew their intention whe, by all means, he naturally shouldn't as Rainbow just abruptly pulled twiggles into another area without warning or explanation.
Follow this same method of streamlining, just read over everything and think of how you could replace words or prevent unnecessary repetition or casually include emotion.
9855087
I see what you mean now, by doing this, it'll allow the readers to read it more clearly and so that there will be a few to no errors. Well I hope you did enjoy this chapter as I'll fix any problems you see once I get some free time since I gotta go to work soon
9855071
>:D Yeeeeesssss~~
9855110
He just said he had to restrain himself. He failed. Now he's going to lose the chess game.
9855167
Well this part is intended because he wants them to think. He wants them to be slightly afraid of the unknown. It's all part of his strategy. He's giving them some leeway and once they believe they're winning, he's going to take out their pawn. Remember, a game of chess could go on for hours between some of the best since they'll have to play it safe and make sure their moves count. Plus the game of chess isn't just for the elements
I love this. Do you have an upload schedule?
9859423
I wish I did but I do not since I am possibly starting a new job Wednesday and my only off day would be Sunday. But I'm glad you like it and I'll figure something out
I do not understand. Why did his stomach growl if Pinkie Pie recently stuck a cake in his mouth? If you find errors in my comment, then don’t be angry, I don’t know English, I’m Russian.
10200096
Don't worry. Also to answer your question, she only gave him a forkful a cake.
Nice. I can see the nods to Shadic. This is pretty good.