Shattered

by Luna Nightshade

Shattered Soul

She stood at the edge of the cave, high on the mountain. Icy cold wind blew through her fur, doing nothing to dry the tears that were streaming down her muzzle. Her mouth was open in a silent scream that never came, her breathing was uneven. She was either breathing heavy, interrupted by sobs, or not at all.

Her thoughts were not on herself. They were far away, at a place she couldn’t reach. She was foolish to think that they had still time. Years. Decades. She even expected him to come out of the cave at any moment, asking her what was wrong. Sharing what little time they had late in the evenings and early in the mornings.

All of that was in the past now, her mind only filled with regret. With all the things they now couldn’t do anymore, all the things she had wanted to do with him. Instead of having fun or speaking with him there were only memories. All the memories of so little things. The colour he liked – red – or the food he preferred – cheese. The stories he liked and wanted to show her. The way he had just been with her.

At his side she felt complete, happy, comfortable, content. Now she felt as if something had been ripped from her. There were only a few days where he was healthy and then … He had grown more silent from day to day. She should have seen the signs, should have insisted, but instead she trusted him to know what was best himself.

That neglect had costed her dearly. What was left for her in this world? She would find small solace in her work, creating the night, or helping others in their dreams. But even then she was more distant than usual, the constant sadness gnawing at her soul.

The first day had been like a shock. She had cried for hours, neglecting her work, only to return to it later, acting like a robot, denying the harsh reality that had happened. She thought she would be fine from then on.

The second day had been worse. Shivering all over the bursts of sadness took her at any small thing that would allow her to think, anything that would allow her to remember what she had lost. At the end of the second day she had cried so much that her emotions shut down, and she acted on logic only. It wasn’t a life that would be worth living.

The third day was a bit better, but she still couldn’t fathom, couldn’t accept what had happened. And yet there was no voice, no little touch, no smile to admire. Thoughts of just going to sleep and never waking up entered her mind.

Despite those hopes, she woke every day. She spoke to the few ponies she knew about her loss. Many expressed their condolences, told her that they would be there, should she need to talk, told her that they were sorry.

None of them were at fault for what had happened. It was her own negligence, her own belief that everything would be all right with time. She herself had survived illnesses, so he should be able to, as well.

He wasn’t. And now she paid the price. She didn’t know, if she would survive this, didn’t even know if she wanted to. He wouldn’t want her to be destroyed by this. It is what they all said. Knowing him, it was true. And yet, when the flame of your soul took such a hard blow, there was always the possibility that it wouldn’t recover either.

It had happened before. She had known of couples where one partner followed the other soon after. Of course things would be different with alicorns. They were old already, seemingly immortal. Their bodies wouldn’t die that easily. Her soul though? She didn’t know. They were just too few on this world.

She didn’t even dare to ask her sister. She might try to hold her back, to keep her prisoner on this cruel world.

She folded her hooves under her and hid her face in her wings. She couldn’t let them see her cry, couldn’t let anyone see her in this sad state. They all expected her to be the strong pony they had come to respect. She needed to be a leader, needed to continue her job. She couldn’t end her life voluntarily. No that would have been most unfair. But could anyone truly blame her for losing the will to live?

What would come, would come. She knew she couldn’t regain what she had lost.

Finding this love had been most unexpected in the first place. They had had common interests, had spent time together, until he suddenly admitted to her that he loved her. It had been a shock, a somewhat pleasant shock, but in the end she had accepted his love, and had started to love him as well.

He had always been so gentle, had always put her well-being first. He had brought her confidence, had praised her for her night. Whenever she felt worthless he helped her, told her how she had helped so many in their dreams.

She had done the same for him, had accepted all his little quirks, had loved the things he wrote. She had found herself smiling just being in his company, smiled when they just exchanged a few words. Even as mundane things as a greeting brought her joy. They played together, laughed together, and shed tears together.

She had imagined their future together, living together, had thought of marriage, even if she never spoke of it.

All of that had ended abrupt. It ended even before their life together would have truly begun. Three days ago the dragon she had come to love … died.

And with it had gone a piece of her soul.

She never even noticed that all the Nightmares she had fought in dreams now had a possibility to attack her. Her perfect armour was shattered. And what is lost cannot be regained.

Author's Note:

I have written this based on what has happened in my own life.
As such it is dedicated to my love, "Bran", who left this world all too early.

May my dragon find peace, and may I find him again, soon. Maybe in a different life.

Comments

[Nagmeister]

Beautiful work. I loved it.

I won't say I'm sorry, because I know that doesn't really mean much, but I will say this: You are strong, you are an amazing person, and although those memories will always be there, and there will always be a bit of sadness, life goes on; and, with time, you'll find yourself cherishing the memories more than you resent the loss.

[Luna Nightshade]

Thank your for your words.
Though it is now the 5th day and it yet has to become easier.
I try to look as normal as possible at work, but my facade is cracking.
Yesterday evening I barely made it home before I had to let things out ...

[Elkia Deerling]

Quite an impressive story. You described the emotions very clearly. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that writing this story has made you feel better. Sometimes, writing can do wonders. Writing saved my life, and I hope it will help you too.

Sincerely yours,

Elkia

[Luna Nightshade]

8342770
I can't say whether it really helped ... I wrote this mere days after it happened, and the healing process is slow.
A broken heart is literally possible - and those heal very, very slowly ... maybe even not quite fully.

[Elkia Deerling]

8343074
I'm sure you'll figure it out, man. You're smart and posses wonderful talent. Just, whatever happens, keep writing stories. It will put your mind off your sorrows and transport you to another place. At least, that's how it works for me.