Happiness

by Protector of Light

Misery

Time to get out of bed then. I suppose I knew that this was coming. But I figured that it would be years down the line before I decided that I wanted to give Equestria a chance. I figured that I would have been on drugs again, a failure in the fashion industry, heartbroken, and lonely as hell. Anger and confusion are all that I have now. There is so much in this world that I love, yet it seems to be falling off the walls of my sanity and shattering into pieces in front of my eyes. This reality that I’ve created, torn to pieces and thrown to the side like a bad garment.

I’ve lost my parents, the only thing that used to keep me going. My friends kept a secret from me that could be pivotal in not only my life, but the lives of all of us. I don’t understand how anyone could keep the fact that someone will die if we don’t figure out how to become ponies soon hidden. Why do I even care about leaving this life, where all I’ve been is miserable? One memory will always hold me back. My first memory of kindness.

It was dark out. I can’t remember if it was dark out or whether it was just storming, but I do remember that I was crying. I can’t even remember why I had tears streaming down my face this time. I was so young. It was before my father had reached the point of no return in my eyes. At that point I still felt that somewhere inside my Mommy and Daddy loved me. Yet my tears still flowed.

Someone broke into the house. They wanted money from Daddy and they were going to use me to get it. Little did he know that it wouldn’t work, but this mysterious man treated me kindly. He gave me lots of candy, fed me good meals, hugged me, and loved me. This was the first time in my life that I felt needed. And then the cops came and took the man away. They took away my savior and locked him up for an undisclosed period of time.

It is beautiful how in this world of such chaos and evil, there are such acts that defy logic. I fear that if I leave this world and return to Equestria, these lessons will go away. I don’t want to forget what I’ve been through, whether reality or fiction, no matter how painful. I don’t want to forget how wonderful it is to be happy after so much misery.

Well, time to suck it up, to stop making myself miserable. That is, if Equestria truly is possible. I suppose it’s unhealthy anyway. But you know what they say, misery loves company.

I walk into the living room. Everybody is piled up on the floor in sleeping bags and on the couch. It is late at night. Maybe I should wait until morning. No. You’ll chicken out by then. Good point, inner self. Ah well. Let’s just do this. “Um, excuse me, guys?” Everybody stirs. “Sorry to bother you, but there is something that I want to say.”

“Go on, out with it,” says Teresa, smiling kindly, though seeming disappointed to be awoken. I couldn’t blame her.

“I’ve decided that I’m ready to help us return to Equestria.”

Everybody sat up. There was whispering amongst them, confusion. Why would I suddenly change my mind? It is Jackie that figures it out first.

“It’s mighty kind of ya, Rachel, to give up what you want to save somebody that you haven’t even met before,” she says with a smile. No attempts to stop me. Nobody tries. There is too much at stake. We have little time to spare.

“Thank you for your time, everyone. I’ll let you guys sleep and we with reconvene in the morning.” I turn and walk back to my room to a chorus of good nights.

Why do I hate myself?

Was I just raised that way?

In this world of pain and suffering,

Why do I wish to stay?

Why do I want to be miserable

When happiness is near?

Why is it so desirable?

What is it that I fear?

These questions may have answers,

But it is me that they evade.

Why can’t I just be happy

If only for a day?

I want my drugs. I just want to take it all away. This pain that I hold inside so dear, I love it when I should hate it. All I wanted was happiness. All I needed was a chance. And yet I avoided that happiness like the plague. I miss being Rarity, I really do, but somehow I think that I would miss being Rachel as soon as it’s gone. It will feel like losing a piece of myself, a part very intricate to my being. I’m afraid that I’ll forget. But for now I need sleep. Tomorrow our search for the Elements of Harmony begins, and I don’t want to be struggling to stay awake.

Wake up, Rachel. It’s a new day. The day our new life begins. Good morning, voice. It’s wonderful to hear from you. I’m really liking you now that you’ve decided to be nice. I’m only as nice as you make me. Nevertheless, I still am enjoying your company these days. You give me structure where it is lacking. I love your input in situations where I feel alone. Thank you, Rachel. And by the way, unless you forget me, you will never forget being Rachel O’Conner. I am you, you are me, I am Rachel, you are Rarity, I am Rarity, you are Rachel. If that makes any sense. It makes a little. I’ll give you that it’s a bit confusing. Anyway, I guess that I better go see if anybody else is up.

I pause on the way out of my room. We don’t have out magic to help protect us. But I know of something that my Papa always kept hidden in the drawer of the nightstand by his bed that would give us a dose of protection. If my biological father were to catch up with us, we might need a weapon to protect us. On my way downstairs, I stop by my Mama and Papa’s room. I reach into that stand and pull out the weapon.

Through it all, I try to keep hope that my Mama and Papa are alright. Maybe they’re my parents from Equestria, and maybe Sweetie Belle is somewhere out there. We just need to find the Elements of Harmony. If we can find them, we can make everyone happy again. Including me. That’s the spirit.

I walk down the staircase and to the main room of the house. Nobody else is up yet. I’ve always been a bit of an early riser, I suppose. I guess I may as well go fix some breakfast. I sneak past my friends and into the kitchen. I find some pancake mix and get to cooking. Pancake mix is one of those things that I just had no interest in back in Equestria. I didn’t want convenience. I wanted glamour. If it wasn’t easy to fix food, I still made it. Now, I can’t say that I would ever do the same.

I hear stirring in the other room. They must be waking up to the smell of food; I guess lots of people are like that. I used to be. Then again, I used to be lots of things. None of which was depressed, which I have to say, wasn’t the best thing that I gained with my humanity. Spike comes to the doorway. “Hey, Spike, how are you this morning?” I ask, feeling a fake smile come to my lips. So much for never using one of those again; they’re kind of automatic.

“Hey, Rachel. I’m pretty good. Ready to go out and find the Elements?” He looks at me, as if afraid that I changed my mind in the night. I didn’t, no matter how much I may want to wallow in my misery.

“Yeah,” I say. “I am. I’m ready to be happy.” I swallow the lie. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to face losing misery. You’re times of misery will always be with you, Rachel. Just as I always will be. I AM Misery, and as long as you wish to keep me, you will never forget. I don’t think that you are Misery. You need a better name than that. I don’t want to let you go, but I can be happy without losing you. It’s my name. To change it is to change me. I hope you don’t want me to change. I don’t now, but I did before. Let’s not argue.Indeed.

Oops, I forgot Spike was there. He left on his own, though, so I guess I shouldn’t worry about it too much. Well.

Everyone gathers for breakfast. There are lots of conversations between the others in our little group, but I sit here on my own, lost in my thoughts. I am having a conversation too, I suppose, with Misery. Why aren’t you talking to the others? They’re far better company than me. You must be lonely, being Misery and all. Are you just my misery, or are you everyone’s? Just yours and yours alone. I think that I love you, Misery. I love you too, Rachel. You are my very existence. Without you, I would be nothing. I’m sorry it has to be this way. I wish that you could just be yourself, not just an extension of my subconscious. It has to be this way. There is nothing we can change. Does it really need to be this way? Or are we just not looking hard enough? Maybe if we try harder, we can find another way. Maybe when we go to Equestria, we can find our path to your freedom. Do you really think so? I do.

“Rachel? Are you alright?” Farah asks, looking concerned.

“Hmm? I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“Well then,” begins Teresa. “We need a plan.”

“We could split up and scour the country to find the Elements,” suggests Rhyan.

“No. We can’t split up. It’s too dangerous!” says Teresa, shooting down that idea.

“We should go back and talk to Tracy. She’s the one that’s in the most immediate danger, and she still has her magic. Maybe she can track them or something,” says Jackie.

“That’s a great idea!” says Teresa.

“Rachel hasn’t even met Tracy!” exclaims Penelope, if you can really call it exclaiming when that’s how someone usually talks. “I’m sure you guys will hit it off!”

Rhyan shakes her head. “I don’t know. She is Trixie.”

I pause. “Tracy is Trixie?”

“Yeah.” Jackie looks sheepish.

“That doesn’t change a thing. I’ll still help you guys save her. Even someone as stuck up as Trixie doesn’t deserve to die. Plus, she could be our route out of here.”

Rhyan looks disappointed that I’m so understanding. “But it’s her fault that we ever got here!”

“I might just have to thank her.” I say. Everyone looks shocked. “What? You think I have any regrets of coming here and being human? No. I’ll never have any regrets. There is no point in regretting what has happened. It already happened, there is no way to change it, so all you can do is move on with your life and walk your own path.”

Penelope nods. “I don’t have any regrets either. I’m happy to have experienced being human. It’s a chance that I never thought I would have, back on Equestria, to learn how it is to be something besides a pony. Yes, my childhood wasn’t the greatest, but it wasn’t on Equestria either. Rachel and I can’t feel like we got the short end of the stick. We didn’t. We are all the better for what we’ve been through. Isn’t that right Rachel?”

“Yes. It is.” More quietly I say, just to her, “I would love to hear your story some time.”

“I would love to hear yours too.”

“Well, thanks for the food, Rachel.” Spike seems nervous and wants to change the subject. “But shouldn’t we get going?”

“Spike’s right. We need to get going. We don’t have long to find the Elements and get back to Equestria,” Teresa says, determined.

So here we are, now in a small town in the middle of nowhere, going to Sweet Apple Acres. Maybe this is Ponyville, then. A big detail like an orchard by the name of Sweet Apple Acres would just be too much of a coincidence. And here I am, sitting here in the van in silence, just like everyone else. Just me and Misery. Just like always. I’m never gone, just quiet when you want me to be. Ah well. What else is new? It’s always lovely to talk to you though, Misery. But you really do need a nicer name. My name is my name. To change it would be to change me. I don’t want to change you. I love you just the way you are.

Whenever I have these conversations with Misery, I get distracted by other thoughts. Like, will I ever be going back to the University, or are we just going to search for the Elements of Harmony until we find them, no matter how long it takes? I would imagine the answer would be the latter, but part of me wishes to return to where I once had been. But I suppose that is what we are doing now in a way. I have been to Sweet Apple Acres before. And as we approach, it looks the same as always, the same house, the same trees, including dormant Zap Apple trees, the same dirt pathway in. And as we travel down that pathway, my thoughts go back to my times here as Rarity. They weren’t frequent visits by any means, but I miss them none the less. I miss going here for cider season. I remember the way that the trees smelled the day that we helped Applejack make the cider to win the contest with Flim and Flam. I remember the time that Sweetie Belle ran away to here before the Sisterhooves Social. But remembering doesn’t do any good when you have a goal as important as the one that we have in mind.

We reach the house. Nobody is around. Jackie gets out of the car first, and walks to the house. No one is there. She has us go to the tree house that was the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ hang out, saying that Tracy should be there. We reach the tree house.

“Tracy, are ya there?” Jackie yells, seeming worried. Out comes a girl with platinum blonde hair and tanned skin, presumably Tracy.

“Yes. And so are Granny Smith, Annabelle, and Mac. They’re all asleep, or at least they were.” Tracy glances up at the tree house, listening for signs of life. I suppose that we did get here pretty early. “They refused to stay at the house once I deemed that I needed to go into hiding.”

“What’s going on?” asked Annabelle, obviously Apple Bloom, coming down the ladder. “Jackie!” she exclaims, running to tackle her sister in a tight hug. Mac comes down from the tree house, but not Granny Smith, likely because of her bad hip.

Jackie smiles. “Howdy guys!” she says, relieved that her family is safe and sound. “Y’all have met each other but Spike and Rachel. Spike, Rachel, this here’s my family!”

“Pleased to meet you,” I say, nodding.

“Yeah, me too,” says Spike. There are many nods of acknowledgement, and then everyone relaxes. Everyone disperses, slightly, forming their own little groups, Farah talking to Mac (as much of a conversation as those two can have,) and Jackie staying near Annabelle, obviously lavishing in the attention of her little sister. Teresa goes up to Tracy, and they speak in quiet tones, I would presume about possibly using magic to trace the Elements. Spike is standing by me, as is usual when the groups disperse. I enjoy his company, and he enjoys mine, but I have little to offer as far as conversation goes lately. I guess it just comes from my decision. I’m getting used to the thought that I was once a pony. It seems so right, yet at the same time so foreign.

Tracy looks at all of us, and then continues to talk to Teresa. They nod to each other. Teresa comes over to me and Spike, since we are the only two who are not otherwise occupied. “We have to get the rest of the Apples to go away so that Tracy can use her magic. She’s afraid that everybody but Jackie would be a little freaked out over seeing real magic being used.” Teresa pauses. “Or maybe we could go away from the Apples. That would probably be a little easier, given that Granny Smith is kind of stuck up that tree. I’ll go get Tracy. Can you go and tell the others to keep distracting the Apples?”

“Right. Not a problem. You can count on me.” I say. And so, I discreetly grab each of the girls’ attention and deliver the message. Penelope and Rhyan stop talking to each other and go and speak to Granny Smith and Mac and Farah respectively. I then sneak over to see that Tracy and Teresa are doing. Tracy is speaking.

“I can skry for the Elements of Harmony using your energy since you say that they are connected to you. But I need more than one of you to be sure that they are all in the same place. I wouldn’t want you to go off on a wild goose chase for one and not be able to find all of them.”

I decide to make my presence noticed. “I’m here. You can use me and Teresa to see.”

Tracy nods. “Let’s see where they are.” She conjures a map of the world from thin air, a sign of actual magic (well, theoretically the map was somewhere before, but it seemed to be from thin air here), and pulls a necklace off of her neck. She hovers the stone over the map. It sways on its own accord and drops suddenly. “It seems to have stopped on Alaska based on your energy, Teresa. Now let’s see about Rachel’s.” Once again the stone did its thing. It lands. “Alaska again. Anchorage Alaska for both of your Elements. We can pretty safely assume that all of the Elements are there.”

Teresa smiles. “Thank you, Tracy. We couldn’t have done it without you.”

“It’s not like I’m not getting anything out of this, you know. You’re saving my life.”

We all smile at each other. Tracy’s really not a bad person, down deep within.

“So,” I ask. “How are we going to get to Alaska?

Comments

[Random_Dragon]

I just finished the last chapter before this one was posted.

You miss , have good timing.

[Protector of Light]

1181249 Why thank you. But, I'm actually a lady, not a sir.

[Random_Dragon]

1181258
Sorry for the mix-up.
I guess I deserve these.
Prev. post was edited.

[Protector of Light]

1181267 Not a problem. Happens a lot.