Happiness

by Protector of Light

Loss

Hey. It’s me again. Rachel O’Conner. It’s been awhile. It is summer break now, and I have been hanging out with my new friends, Spike, Teresa, Penelope, Farah, Rhyan, and Jackie, a majority of the time. I still haven’t changed my mind on Equestria, and I’m starting to get annoyed at the girls, as they are pushing me towards it. They seem in a rush. I want them to tell me what’s going on, but whenever I ask, they just act like nothing is wrong and I don’t want to come off as pushy as they seem to be towards me. They told me that Equestria was my choice, and if it’s otherwise, then I don’t want it to be kept from me. If there’s some pressing matter, why don’t they just tell me? Oh well. I guess that that’s just part of having friends, right? There are going to be some secrets, and there are going to be times when I feel insecure about myself due to what I’ve been through. There’s just no way around it, is there? Oh, I don’t know. I’m not good at this whole real friends’ thing. It just confuses me.

The only person who has been supportive of my non-Equestrian decision is Spike. He is a doting, loving individual who truly seems to care about me, but I suppose that I could just be employing wishful thinking in that department. Maybe not, too. I’m trying not to be so negative. I thought having friends would help, but with the way that they have been treating me, I only seem to be more so. I wonder if they know that they are having this effect on me. I would venture to say that they don’t, since I don’t see the ponies that they represent being so cruel. Never would Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Applejack, or even Rainbow Dash hurt me purposely. I just wish that they trusted me enough to not hide anything important from me. And this does feel like it’s important.

At least, as I said, I have Spike. But sometimes, that just isn’t enough.

I’m in a dark place
Where I thought I’d never return.
I’m in a dark place.
I fear I’ll never learn.
I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know.

I don’t think that I’m going to get out of bed yet. Oh, look, there’s a message on my phone. Call this number. Usually I wouldn’t, but somehow, this feels important. I call the number.

So now, here I am. Home. Mama and Papa loved me very much. But now they are gone. They went to the great beyond, where they can travel the world in peace and safety. I only heard a few days ago that they were gone. They had gone on a cruise to do just that: travel the world. They had gone on such voyages before. Only this time, they mysteriously disappeared from the ship. Their voyage done, they are assumed to have fallen off the ship to their deaths. They left a will, and the lawyers are looking at it, but it is already known that they left the house to me. Yet, I cannot bring myself to enter it now and see it without Mama and Papa there. There will be no cookies in the oven, baking for my visit home. The television will not be on, blasting sound out so loud that it can be heard through the front door, with Papa sitting there watching a football game. None of the things that made it home for me will be there without Mama and Papa.

Part of me maintains hope that somehow they are safe and sound, just lost. But the other part of me knows that more likely truth that they died a terrible and tragic death.

The others don’t understand. They can’t understand. They aren’t the ones that lost the two most important people in the world to them. They have never lost anybody except maybe a great aunt or uncle. They have people who love and cherish them. But without Mama and Papa, I have no family. And friends just aren’t the same. All I have are biological parents locked up in their respective jail cells that are the reason that I’m part of the Witness Protection program. Part of me feels that my life is over. I can’t believe that I was so depressed before. Now that I actually have a reason to feel so depressed, I am so tired of living. If it weren’t for Spike… I don’t know what I would do.

The longer we get to know each other, the more and more he is becoming like a brother to me. I thought that I was in love with him. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him, and I’m not sure where our relationship is going. We haven’t dated or anything, so who knows how I really feel for sure? As for our other friends, they try to be supportive, but they have that secret looming over their heads. And they keep pushing for Equestria. Can’t they see that I just need some time to live life for what it is now? But alas, I can’t make people think things that they don’t want to think. They believe what they believe, and I don’t want to change that. They just don’t understand.

That’s why I wanted to come here alone. I didn’t want them to be looming over my shoulder. Spike is supposed to come and check on me, soon if my watch is correct. I don’t have much more time for myself. Funny, isn’t it? I was so tired of being alone, but now that I have friends, I would like to have some time to be alone? Ah, well, that’s just life. I hear a car coming. Probably Spike. He will be surprised that I didn’t even go into the house. He tries to understand, but he can’t. He can more than the others; he had a foster mother as well; but nonetheless, he never lost said relative. It is he. I climb into the car, and we travel back to the hotel. There is nothing to say, so nothing is said.

Tired, groggy, I had nightmares last night. Of both pony and non-pony variety. The worst one involved my biological father climbing in my window, killing me, and slowly dismembering me as I watched from above. The worst of the pony ones was once again Discord, only this time, he had the same voice as my father.

I only woke up because my phone was ringing. It proved that my dreams had some truth in them.

My father was out of jail, having escaped. He had been out for more than six months. He was living under the guise of one Mr. Roy. I only was informed of his escape in the first place because he had been arrested and escaped again. It wasn’t the police that told me. It was Teresa, who had been attacked by him on the campus of her school.

I hate it when nightmares are true.

Shivers, shivers, cravings, cravings, all come with fears and recovery from addiction. I went back to the house today. I decided that even though the good memories aren’t here anymore, I’m moving back in. I invited the rest of the gang to stay in the remaining bedrooms and living room, so that they could save on hotels. I just don’t feel safer anywhere else in the world but here. This is one of the moments that I wish that there was really an Equestria, where nothing ever happened that was worse than a hydra on the loose. Even villains like Discord and Nightmare moon didn’t really wish anypony harm; they just wanted to have control of things, or in the case of Discord, for there to be no control to anything. I suppose that Chrysalis may have wished actually injury on the ponies, but it was just part of her nature, not a true malice. Here, things aren’t so nice, bright, and shiny.

It’s ironic, really. Here I am in the one place in the world where I feel safe and I’m still terrified of my own shadow. It’s all just too much. My parents disappearing, followed by the news of my father’s escape. Strange, I wonder if there could be some kind of connection there. Surely I’m just creating unrealistic scenarios due to stress. Yes. Stress. Let’s blame it all on that. I haven’t shed a single tear. It makes me so proud.

Spike’s taking the rest of the girls to the bowling alley. I declined, on account of how tired I am. Part of me is afraid to be alone, while another part craves it. Ah, loneliness, thou art a strange mistress. They aren’t going just yet. Penelope still wants to do a check over of the house, and tells me that if her Pinkie Sense acts up, she will let me know immediately. Teresa is reading online about how to bowl, as she has never been. Farah is only going because I insisted. Rhyan is going to compete with Jackie, and vice versa. Spike is only going long enough to drop them off, but it still gives me a short while to myself.

The bowling alley is a good twenty minute drive from here. Of course, there would be the drive back. On the return to pick them up, I would go with Spike and we would go out for dinner, where everybody will know me and say hello. If they know me without makeup on, that is. Which is why I’m dreading it. It’s also why I decided to skip the bowling alley all together.

“Ya sure you’ll be alright here by yourself, Rachel?” asks Jackie.

“I’ll be fine. I’ve been by myself before, now’s no different, really.” Maybe just a little. I’m pretty afraid. But I’m not going to tell anyone that. Nothing’s going to happen.

So they leave. And I wander the house, looking at all of the pictures, visit each of the three bedrooms, remembering the times that I played in each of the rooms. I look at my own bedroom, and how it’s changed over the years. Once it was a preteen’s haven, complete with a caution sign, but was still the delicate blue that it is today. I look at my old sewing machine. I look in the living room, at all the furniture that life was lived on. I’m reliving all of the good times, trying to ignore the bad. But it really is pretty difficult when the bad stands out more than the good, as in times like these. What would you do if your world kept falling apart, exactly when you thought that things were going to get better?

Of course it is bound to happen. I thought that I had banished those thoughts forever. But I guess that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ll never go away completely. You just have to learn to live with me. You aren’t trying to drag me down anymore? I never tried to drag you down. You wanted dragged down. I am you. Then how are you separate? I’m something that you created to protect yourself. I have always just been here to help. Even if helping you was really hurting you. I don’t understand. I’m sorry. I’ve always been sorry.

I’m in a dark place.
I know I’m not alone.
I’m in a dark place.
No matter where I go.
I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know.

Nothing happened. I said so. Of course.

I look up. It is, indeed, Spike coming back. But he is the van, but he is not alone. The rest of the gang is with him. He was supposed to drop them off. They get out of the car. They look sullen, as though they have something terrible to tell me. Never a good sign, that. I walk over. “Is something wrong?”

“No. We’re just scared for you.” Spike sounds sincere, and has a slight look of smugness in his eyes. He must have had a talk with them. “But, they do have something to tell you.”

“Well,” begins Teresa. “We’re running out of time.”

“Oh.” I knew it. Back to the Equestria stuff.

“Ya see, Rachel, a good friend of mine is back home waitin’ on us to go back to Equestria,” Jackie begins. “She’s in danger. Last time I saw her, they were talking about having a regular ol’ witch hunt for her.”

“Umm… Equestria was real, Rachel,” Penelope says, not looking like her bright and cheery self. “And her friend Tracy maintained her unicorn powers even here. She got caught using them, and now the town is scared of her. We’re afraid that they might want to see her dead.”

Rhyan mutters, “Not that that would be such a bad thing.” Farah punches her in the shoulder, which is surprising, given, of course, that she’s Fluttershy. I guess that that’s New Fluttershy showing through.

“If this is a joke, it’s a sick one.”

“No, Rachel. They have me convinced. For one thing, they showed me this.” Spike holds up a newspaper from a small town. Right there on the front page was “Tracy Lovegood, accused witch, has been spotted at Sweet Apple Acres.”

“Why have you been hiding this from me?” I ask, indignant. I’m beginning to lose my cool. First my parents, now this? “How dare you! You’ve been pushing me towards something that I told you I didn’t want without giving me any reason. I asked several times, but you just told me that it was nothing! All I asked for was the truth! An honest to goodness truth. And if it is that Equestria was real, then shame on you all! You told me it was a dream! If I had known that it was true, I would have given you a different answer from the beginning!” They just stand there, listening to me rant. “Not to mention that you didn’t tell me that I was endangering someone by making my decision! Shame on you all! I can’t believe this! From my own best friends in the entire world!” They stand there with straight faces, not seeming to care that I yelled at them, as though they felt that it was justified. And they are probably right. I have every reason to be mad. But they don’t say a word. “Explain yourselves! Don’t just stand there like you are stupid! Never mind, there is no explanation that would be logical!”

“Rachel, we know that you’re upset, but we need you to understand that we need your help. We need the Elements of Harmony.” Teresa finally seems phased by what I was saying.

“Well, it’s just a good thing that I’m the Element of Generosity, because I am being very generous to help you out after all you’ve done! You’re lucky that I don’t decide to leave you all and say good riddance! You should be ashamed of yourselves! After all we’ve been though, you are just willing to risk throwing our friendship away by lying? Just because you found out that my memories weren’t as strong as yours! Just because I have had a hard life where yours were comparatively a walk in the park! You have problems too, you know? I don’t treat you any differently because of them!” I feel the tears start to run down my face and hear my voice start to break. I feel betrayed.

The buildup of emotion is just too much for me. Losing my Mama and Papa. Finding out that my real father is out of jail. Realizing that my life could be in danger. And yet, here they are, still hiding this from me. My own friends. After all that we’ve been through in Equestria, they throw it all away because of some memories of this life that may be fiction. But they are real all the same. It just makes no sense to me. I open my eyes when I feel arms around me, from two sides. Spike on one, Farah on the other. I am tempted to shove Farah away. Fluttershy or not, she was hiding this information the same as the others. Instead, I allow the hug and hide my face in my hands. Lucky I haven’t been wearing makeup. I’m too much of a wreck to be Rarity right now. Nobody tries to say anything. They don’t know what to say. What could they say? But I still want them to say something so badly. I go to the house and let them in before going to my old bedroom, slamming the door, and crying myself to sleep.

I must hold on.
I can’t let go.
For everyone
I know.

I know what I need to do. I need to go out there and face it. I need to go out there and say that I want Equestria. Even though I don’t want it.

Comments

[insightguy]

MOAR!!!!

[Protector of Light]

970022 More will come eventually!

[Little Jackie Papercut]

So, wait, I'm still a little confused here. She doesn't want to go back to the world where she's living out her dreams, has two living parents (and a sister) who love her and never try to stab her, and basically has everything she could have ever wanted, all earned through her own hard effort, much of which she's been near-suicidally miserable for the entire story without... even though she now knows that that's her reality and all the horrible things in her life have been one long lie?

I mean come on. Give us just ONE thing that connects her to this world now that you've taken away all her emotional ties to it, one reason she wouldn't jump at the chance to leave it behind and resume her real, happy and fulfilled life. As it stands, I have trouble sympathizing with her now, because even without considering that someone's life depends on it, not wanting to go back to Equestria seems like the most spitefully self-destructive reaction possible.

[Protector of Light]

1099666 I appreciate the comment and will elaborate when the time comes, if you wish to stick around long enough to find out.

[Little Jackie Papercut]

It just occurred to me. Happiness...

...is Rarity going to shoot somebody in this story?

[Protector of Light]

1168687 If I answered I would ruin the story. Sorry!

[Protector of Light]

For those interested in a theme song to Happiness, this song is one of the things that inspired it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvbuT6rlNgo Misery by Good Charlotte.

[Little Jackie Papercut]

Idly wondering now if my Beatles reference went undetected.

[Protector of Light]

1180584 It was, but I fixed that once you said it was a Beatles reference.