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Rainbows

A walk into cloudsdale. A trip to see the snowflakes and the rainbows. The rainbows... Aren't they beautiful. They must be delicious. The swirling colours must be made of something magical. On second thought... what are rainbows made of?

A fanfiction based off my favourite creepypasta, The rainbow factory. I have rated it teen based on the language and the theme. This is my first fanfiction. Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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scarlet_night

scarlet_night #1 · Nov 13th, 2016 · · ·

This is good so far, hope you right more

Night Doom

Night Doom #2 · Nov 14th, 2016 · · ·

7717081 Thanks!

HalloweenAesthetics

HalloweenAesthetics #3 · Aug 13th, 2017 · · ·

I don't mean to be rude when I say this, but the writing feels basic and perhaps rather vague in some places. Your writing lacks detail.
I'll use an excerpt from the first chapter as example.
“Rainbow Dash, what is this made of?” She asked. She looked at Rainbow and immediately felt scared. Rainbow’s usually kind face had developed into a malicious smile.
I know what you were going for there, but the emotions felt simply nonexistent here. There would have been strong feelings of unnerve and suspense, something perhaps more intense than just being 'scared'.
I find that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were out of character, with details such as cursing and Rainbow Dash's sudden murderous behavior, brought on by a simple question. Don't get me wrong; I love the concept, but the execution wasn't exactly the best.
Sorry if this was harsh in any way. I do not intend to offend; only to give criticism to help improve your style of writing. I see much potential in your story. In fact, I might even use this concept.