ninjintonic
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I like this idea! Another siren that doesn't care to suck others dry. Definitely tracking this one for sure. Keep up the good work.
(Is it bad that autocorrect gave me that entire sentence?)
7710737 Thanks! more chapters will be a long the way! and No I don't think that's bad, haha!
im sorry but i can't help it at that last line somthing just broke
This is...interesting. It's a nice idea but I think I need a bit more to form a full opinion. I'll give it an upvote for now.
Interesting, I'll track this for now.
This makes little to no sense from a grammatical standpoint. Is he standing away from a shattered land, or is he standing among the shattered land, off in the distance? Are the skies combining with the dark clouds before forming? The instance of ‘the’ in Starswirl’s title does not require capitalization.
Improper semicolon use is present. Replace them with commas and you’re almost golden. You should also consider removing ‘himself’ entirely. The sentence should probably also be started with ‘the’, and a comma should follow creatures; that way, it reads that you’re talking about the three particular sea creatures, rather any three that happen to be known by those names. Also, the b in bearded needs to be capitalized.
I have only the vaguest idea what you are trying to say here. It sounds like they’re trying to power cycle a computer with their hypnotic voices, rather than circling him and attempting to wear him down.
Protected, maybe, but surrounding him with a memory spell sounds more like he’s describing his unfortunate fate. Incidentally, this is actually the right place for a semicolon in the place of a comma. Consider rewording the end of it ‘You will never have me under your control.’
‘Followed by Adagio’s grin,’ is an incomplete thought. ‘Adagio’s cruel grin followed her statement. Also, I wonder how one follows an expression of mirth. Maybe they ‘followed up’ with a seductive chuckle, but I highly doubt they would just follow a laugh. Again, circling. Replace comma with period after whirlpool. It would also be advisable to reword the last sentence. “From where he stood,” has the implication that it is his belief, rather than the fact of his situation. Incidentally, where did the whirlpool come from?
From the grammar standpoint this is all pretty solid, but ‘a round space of black hole’ is an awkward description. Also, when read word-by-word, it is rather odd to read. It comes off like his horn is materializing out of nowhere, and then a spark of magic encompassing a tear in reality.
What I’m getting at is that you need to desperately work on your grammar and word confusion. Your idea might not be bad in the strictest sense, but the state of the story leaves it coming off as poorly executed. For individuals who have a particular eye for such things, such as myself, it becomes very difficult to follow the story when we have such issues screaming in our faces. It got to the point that I basically had to stop reading.
Now, before I stop, I want to address the protagonist. Contextually and thematically, she doesn’t fit in with her surroundings or her peers. Both the peoples of the mirror world and Equestria have the same naming conventions, and then you have Claire, a distinctly out-of-place name. Whereas her sisters have names relating to both music and the stars—stars are dazzling, they blaze brightly, and can be seen at dusk—Claire’s namesake is... what? A French name that happens to mean ‘clear’, or depending on context, ‘famous’. In two realities where—excluding the Griffons and their every name starts with G convention—everybody’s name is a combination of one or more words, sometimes drawing roots in latin or puns.
Something you’re going to have to be very careful with this story is making sure that Claire doesn’t become a Mary Sue. She already has the ‘unusual name for setting’ flag and the ‘relation of canon characters that nobody talks about’ flag. Try not to have her share too many of the common Mary Sue traits. That’s one thing a lot of people will lambaste you over.
7712357 Thanks for the tip. I am aware of the grammar errors, I don't consider myself an expert writer, but I will take your word to improve myself. Moreover, I will correct some of the grammatical errors I made. Thanks again.
Well, this has caught my interest.
Huh...didn't expect them so soon. Nice to see Sunset isn't a total goody two shoes for once.
See Lily Valley like that was a shocker, considering how her Pony counterpart is.
7721026 I'm going to change the name of the choir teacher. Thanks.
7722225 Well, it is not necessarily a bad thing, as they are two different beings technically. So there would be some differences.
It was just surprising seeing someone act like that when their pony counterpart is afraid of a rabbit stampede.
finally read enough to form an opinion on this story.
OMG Clair is so cute! And she actually has morals. You've made something amazing here, and it's a shame more people don't know about it.
P.S. is that you singing in the video or is a recording of someone else?
7735540 thank you! Glad you enjoyed the story, more chapters coming your way. Haha, the song was actually covered by Laura Brehm. I think she's an excellent choice to use as portraying Clair's beautiful voice.
Loved it
Nice nice
Moar?
7745986 there's always more.
stay tuned!
Okie dokie lokie then
Duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuh.
Erm, not to be a downer, but the rules on the site say you can't take a copyrighted song and use all of the lyrics. Just be ready for someone to report you.
7746547 hmmm... I guess I'll take it down...
...is it wrong for me to hope that it's Sonata who finds Clair first? I mean, yeah, it looks like Adagio has, but for all we know...
7746619 Just trying to keep a story I like from being dismantled.
Nice. Nien. What!!! Lol okie bye
(I'm being stupid here)
7747324 lol, having read couple of your comments, you amaze me.
7747586 why thank you
7746747 I know what you mean, thanks for pointing that out for me.
7747652 No problem
Those darn goombas. Always in the wrong spot when you're trying to make a jump. Especially in Mario Maker.
Keep up the story, I'm very interested in how this goes.
7766583 lmao, exactly!
7766589 yep! Thanks for reading! Readers like you strive me to continue!
I'm assuming you get your ideas from minecraft
I understand the delays - real life's kicking my butt at the moment too.
7768762 Yeah, whatever it is you're going through, hope everything will turn out.
7768612 lol, nah. I just like to play it.
7768850 Oh, it'll sort itself out after Christmas, hopefully. That how retail jobs work.
7768851 that's what they all say
The Sunset is a spy!!!!!
7783912 hee hee
The writing is crap, the characterization is all over the place, and the story is flimsy at best...
But I want to see where this goes!
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4:27_12/10/2016
Spirits in the gems? Looking forword to the backstory on that.
Feels like Sunset is out of character.
Ack, Sunset...what are you doing? Innocent until proven guilty!
Duh duh duuuuuuuuuh. What's gonna happen? Well seeing as you basically said the demons from the Jews released. I assume They're gonna play an important role in the Christmas Showcase
I kind of feel like it wasn't about the mood but something else? Then again, I'm the hopeful one for some weird Equestrian denizen turned into human that is S.W.
Ah! Villain Sunset relapse!
(we need more emotiacons of ponies screaming in terror)
7785162
7800183 I totally agree