My sisters never mentioned me because I was very different from them. Let me tell you my story.
Page generated in 0.019 seconds
Total duration
974 users online
5,668 hits today, 2,658,435 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I like this idea! Another siren that doesn't care to suck others dry. Definitely tracking this one for sure. Keep up the good work.
(Is it bad that autocorrect gave me that entire sentence?)
7710737 Thanks! more chapters will be a long the way! and No I don't think that's bad, haha!
This is...interesting. It's a nice idea but I think I need a bit more to form a full opinion. I'll give it an upvote for now.
Interesting, I'll track this for now.
This makes little to no sense from a grammatical standpoint. Is he standing away from a shattered land, or is he standing among the shattered land, off in the distance? Are the skies combining with the dark clouds before forming? The instance of ‘the’ in Starswirl’s title does not require capitalization.
Improper semicolon use is present. Replace them with commas and you’re almost golden. You should also consider removing ‘himself’ entirely. The sentence should probably also be started with ‘the’, and a comma should follow creatures; that way, it reads that you’re talking about the three particular sea creatures, rather any three that happen to be known by those names. Also, the b in bearded needs to be capitalized.
I have only the vaguest idea what you are trying to say here. It sounds like they’re trying to power cycle a computer with their hypnotic voices, rather than circling him and attempting to wear him down.
Protected, maybe, but surrounding him with a memory spell sounds more like he’s describing his unfortunate fate. Incidentally, this is actually the right place for a semicolon in the place of a comma. Consider rewording the end of it ‘You will never have me under your control.’
‘Followed by Adagio’s grin,’ is an incomplete thought. ‘Adagio’s cruel grin followed her statement. Also, I wonder how one follows an expression of mirth. Maybe they ‘followed up’ with a seductive chuckle, but I highly doubt they would just follow a laugh. Again, circling. Replace comma with period after whirlpool. It would also be advisable to reword the last sentence. “From where he stood,” has the implication that it is his belief, rather than the fact of his situation. Incidentally, where did the whirlpool come from?
From the grammar standpoint this is all pretty solid, but ‘a round space of black hole’ is an awkward description. Also, when read word-by-word, it is rather odd to read. It comes off like his horn is materializing out of nowhere, and then a spark of magic encompassing a tear in reality.
What I’m getting at is that you need to desperately work on your grammar and word confusion. Your idea might not be bad in the strictest sense, but the state of the story leaves it coming off as poorly executed. For individuals who have a particular eye for such things, such as myself, it becomes very difficult to follow the story when we have such issues screaming in our faces. It got to the point that I basically had to stop reading.
Now, before I stop, I want to address the protagonist. Contextually and thematically, she doesn’t fit in with her surroundings or her peers. Both the peoples of the mirror world and Equestria have the same naming conventions, and then you have Claire, a distinctly out-of-place name. Whereas her sisters have names relating to both music and the stars—stars are dazzling, they blaze brightly, and can be seen at dusk—Claire’s namesake is... what? A French name that happens to mean ‘clear’, or depending on context, ‘famous’. In two realities where—excluding the Griffons and their every name starts with G convention—everybody’s name is a combination of one or more words, sometimes drawing roots in latin or puns.
Something you’re going to have to be very careful with this story is making sure that Claire doesn’t become a Mary Sue. She already has the ‘unusual name for setting’ flag and the ‘relation of canon characters that nobody talks about’ flag. Try not to have her share too many of the common Mary Sue traits. That’s one thing a lot of people will lambaste you over.
7712357 Thanks for the tip. I am aware of the grammar errors, I don't consider myself an expert writer, but I will take your word to improve myself. Moreover, I will correct some of the grammatical errors I made. Thanks again.
Well, this has caught my interest.
Nice nice
For one, it's Canterlot, and Canterlot High.
Edit: I think I know why that you named the places as such, the fourth siren isn't nowhere near where the EQG are happening, at least not yet.