Chapter 1
“Today’s the day former Cutie Mark Crusaders” Apple Bloom shouted for joy as she and her friends trotted through Ponyville square. “Now that we FINALLY have our cutie marks we are official ADULTS!!”
“YEA, now we get to do all the cool things we normally couldn’t do like stay up really late!” Scootaloo added in.
“And leave the house whenever we want to without telling anypony where we are going!”
“AND MAKE BABIES!!!” Sweetie Belle squeaked at the top of her lungs.
“……….Er, come again?” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo stared at her with confused expressions.
“Rarity says when two adult ponies want to make babies, they get in bed together and….” Sweetie Belle started to explain before being interrupted by Apple Blooms hoof being shoved in her mouth.
“Yea, yea we all know THAT story, but that’s BORIIIIIIIIIING!!” Apple Bloom replied rolling her eyes and releasing Sweetie Belle. “Any way I was thinking we do something more exciting, like go visit a bar and get drunk on rum.”
“Yea, like in those pirate films!!” Scootaloo agreed.
“Aww, but I already asked Spike, Pipsqueak, and Buttonmash to meet us at…..”
“Forget it!” Apple Bloom interrupted Sweetie Belle again, grabbing her by the hoof and pulling her along. “We are going to a bar and getting blind stinking drunk like mah older sister does every Friday, and we are going RIGHT NOW!!!!”
“Sorry, no underage ponies allowed!!” the bouncer outside blocked their path as the three crusaders attempted to enter.
“Um, HELLO? Are you BLIND or something? We ARE adults!!” Scootaloo remarked angrily, pointing to her cutie mark.
“Get one’s cutie mark does not make one of legal drinking age!” the bouncer informed them rolling his eyes. “You have to be at least eighteen or older to get in!”
“That’s ridiculous!!” Scootaloo retorted. “Rainbow Dash told me she got in at the age of fifteen!!!”
“I’ll say!!” Pinkies voice startled them from behind as she seemingly appeared out of nowhere. “I’ve been drinking in bars and doing LSD since I was five years old, and I turned out perfectly fine!!!” With that she bounced into the bar (quite literally) creating a giant pony shaped hole in her wake.
“…………I REALLY hate it when she does that!” the bouncer replied shaking his head.
“OH well, we tried, now let’s get back to the clubhouse and get pregnant!!” Sweetie Belle started walking away only to be stopped by Apple Bloom.
“HOLD IT!!” Ah’m not done yet, we are getting into this bar even if it takes all day!”
“She’s being serious isn’t she?” Sweetie Belle whispered to Scootaloo.
Thirty minutes later the three of them sporting suites they borrowed (without permission) from Rarity’s boutique where once again outside the bar.
“OH no you don’t, just how stupid do you three think I am?” the guard asked stopping them in their tracks.
“Apparently not stupid enough…” Scootaloo muttered under her breath.
Another thirty minutes later, the girls found themselves digging a tunnel under Ponyville.
“Remind me WHY we are doing this again?” Scootaloo asked from the rear exasperated.
“Ah already told you, were digging our way into the bar from underground!” Apple Bloom reminded her. “Ah figured if it works in the movies to get out of a jail cell, then it should be good enough in real life to get into a bar!”
“You do realize half that happens in cartoons are impossible in real life right?” Sweetie belle asked unimpressed.
“That’s not true, Applejack told me everything ya see on TV is real!!”
“Didn’t Applejack also tell you the world is flat, and the moon is actually a giant apple?” Scootaloo asked.
“EVERYTHING APPLEJACK SAYS IS A GOLD MINE!!!” Apple Bloom shouted causing the other two to roll their eyes.
After what seemed like eternity the three of them finally breached the ground, and poked their heads out of the tunnel they had made.
“FINALLY, I’VE BEEN TRYING TO GET HERE ALL DAY! AND NOW THAT I’VE FINALLY GOT US RIGHT WHERE I WANT US……” Apple Bloom stopped her triumphant rant short as she realized they in fact where not in a bar, but instead ended up in Twilight’s library.
“Oh, hi there girls!” Twilight greeted them from the center. She was standing on a make shift podium, Spike and Owlicious were sprawled on the floor looking bored to death. “I was just in the middle of practicing my big speech on plate tectonics, wanna join us?”
“Run for you liiiiiiiiiiiiiiives!!!” Spike moaned from the ground “Run while you still can!!”
The three of them didn’t have to think twice before turning and fleeing back down the tunnel.
Ten unsuccessful attempts later the girls found themselves sitting just outside the bar, Apple Bloom completely lost for ideas and the other two fed up with her ideas.
“And ah was soooo close to tasting that delicious cider….” Apple Bloom muttered about their latest attempt.
“We didn’t even get past the door Apple Bloom!” Scootaloo reminded her. “Anyway I say let’s buck this idea and go do something else. I know where Fluttershy keeps her secret meth stash! We could just sneak over there and…”
“NO!!” Apple Bloom shouted stomping a hoof down for emphasis “I want mah alcohol fix and AH WANT IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!”
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo rolled their eyes at their friend’s babyish antics before Sweetie Belle spoke up. “Look Apple Bloom if you’re actually THAT desperate I have one last idea that could actually work!” Apple Bloom looked up at her, hope and anticipation in her eyes “It’s stupid, but it still might just work.”
“Can’t be any dumber then Apple Bloom’s ideas!” Scootaloo remarked, causing Apple Bloom to give her a good smack up the head.
One hour later the three of them found themselves again trotting through Ponyville square. This time however they adorned a giant three pony Princess Celestia costume, hoof made by Sweetie Belle herself. Sweetie Belle took up the head piece, Scootaloo the middle, and Apple Bloom begrudgingly took up the rear. The suite was highly disproportionate, one of the eyes was half the size of the other, and it had a wide over bite that would make even a mother scream.
“This is stupid!” Apple Bloom remarked as ponies constantly stared at them while they passed “Nopony is going to buy this stupid disguise!!”
“Not if you keep TALKING back there they won’t!” Sweetie Belle shot back. “Now shut up and keep moving.”
Just then however Twilight walked up to them blocking their path. “Oh crap!” The three of them thought.
“Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked giving the costumed fillies a quizzical look. “Is that you? What are you doing out here?”
“Of course it’s me, and The Princess doesn’t need a reason to walk amongst her slaves!” Sweetie Belle replied in her best Princess Celestia voice.
“Yea, where the Tartarus have you been the last century?” Apple Bloom added in form the rear in her own Celestia imitation.
“What?” Twilight stammered confused.
“WHAT AIN’T NO COUNTRY AH EVER HEARD OF, THEY SPEAK EQUESTRIAN IN WHAT?” Apple Bloom boomed.
“……………….What?”
“EQUESTRIAN MOTHER BUCKER, CAN YOU SPEAK IT?” Apple Bloom repeated.
“What the hay are you talking abou…..”
“DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK WRENCH?” Apple Bloom interrupted her. “AND WHILE I AM AT IT WHERE THE BUCK IS THAT ESSAY FROM SECOND GRADE AH’M STILL WAITING ON!!!”
“OH….Well you see I kind of had a family emergency and we kind of agreed to let it go and……”
“ME? PRINCESS CELESTIA DARE LET ANYPONY SLACK OFF FROM THEIR WORK?” Apple Bloom boomed again. “HAVE YOU FORGOTEEN WHO I AM? I AM A GOD MOTHER BUCKER!!! Here let me remind you! I am assigning you a one million word essay on how much of an annoying dumb buck you are, and after that you can meet me in my room and KISS MY ROYAL SUN ENCRESTED ASS!! You love sucking my ass anyway don’t you? EVERYPONY HERE EXIST ONLY TO KISS MY ASS, I OWN ALL OF YOU!!!”
“Um actually Princess we kind of live in a more democratic system now and…..”
“I DON’T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD DAMN THING!!” Apple Bloom screamed causing Twilight to jump in fear. “NOW MOVE THAT DUMB ASS AND WRITE THAT ESSAY ALREADY, AND IF IT’S NOT DONE BY SUNDOWN I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HOOVES!!”
Twilight fled with a small squeak of terror that would make Fluttershy proud.
“THAT’S RIGHT RUN!!! AND DON’T THINK THIS IS OVER, YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME TODAY, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!” Apple Bloom then turned her attention to the many onlookers who were gawking at them with wide open mouths. “AND JUST WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???” she shouted at them causing the crowd to immediately disperse.
“Wow, where the hell did you learn to shout like that?” Scootaloo asked breaking the silence.
“And how did you know about that late assignment?” Sweetie Belle added.
“Ah found out on our last sleepover at the Library, Twilight talks in her sleep a lot!” Apple Bloom answered as the three of them continued their way to the bar.
Upon their arrival they found themselves once again facing the bouncer, who was staring at them with the same dumbfounded expression as everypony else.
“Move aside fat boy, I’m here for my royal binge drinking appointment!” Sweetie Belle ordered.
“U’m, I’m sorry Princess but I will need some proof of verificati…..”
“YOU INSULENT FOAL, DON’T YOU RECOGNIZED THE SOLE RULER OF EUQESTRIA WHEN YOU SEE HER?” Apple Bloom roared from behind.
“My sceneries apologies your highness I meant no disrespect...” the Bouncer apologized. “I’m just doing my job and…”
“AH AM A PRINCESS AND YOU WILL RESEPCT MAH ATHORA TEE!!” With that Apple Bloom wheeled around, and using her years of practicing bucking apples kicked the bouncer clear across town. The three of them then made their way into the bar, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo wearing shocked expressions on their faces while Apple Bloom looked smug.
“You know Apple Bloom your kind of scary sometimes!” Scootaloo remarked.
“Yea, brilliant and all, but scary!” Sweetie Belle added.
“Whatever, all that matters now is we FINALLY got in!” Applebloom retorted “Now NOTHING’s going to get in my way of getting blind, stinking drun…..”
“However Apple Bloom was cut off mid-sentence as the three crusaders suddenly found themselves face to face with the real Princess Celestia, and her sister Princess Luna.
“My goodness sister, I didn’t know you had a twin!” Luna remarked “The resemblance is quite remarkable!”
The next thing the crusaders knew they found there costume ripped off of them by Celestia’s magic, and shoved into Luna’s mouth.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
heh wat the heck did i just read XD
Sweetie Belle's crazy about get laid.
7543367 She get's it from her older sister
7543359 Beat's me, and i'm the one who wrote it
7543524 Except Rarity can't go the distance.
7543567 She probably would have with Blueblood if he had not ended up being such an ass. OR she could ask Starlight to time travel her twenty years in the future when Spike will be of age and he'd be more then happy to oblige.
7543574 What did we say about time travel?
What the fuck did I just read? Mixed feelings.
Wow, no wonder everything is so bright and colorful there, everypony's on drugs!
7543863 that it solves every problem if you try hard enough?
7544598 Lucy in the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyy with diamonds
7543863 Allonsee? Geronimo?
7545060 Don't fuck with time travel!!!
A few malapropisms here and there, but a thoroughly enjoyable read nonetheless.
7545919 Thanks
Celestia is going to be very confused when she receives that essay likely covered in Twilight's tears. I foresee much Twilight comforting.