When Celestia discovers the Queen of Cliffside—a golden pony with a red-streaked yellow mane, somepony very much like herself when she was a filly—she learns harsh lessons about the errors of her ways as she works to save Equestria from a curse: herself. Sunset Shimmer, for her part, is not amused. One of the pair proves more magical. Spoiler: They don't get along.
(Minor revisions made Sept 2017.)
Sunset Shimmer Goes to Hell is a sequel to this story told (mostly) in Sunset Shimmer's point of view. The backstory in this work, told in Celestia’s point of view, comes to life in To Bring Light to Eternal Darkness.
The image is by FLASH DRAW on Deviant Art.
A big shout-out to my #1 pre-reader, Do Contra. Contrary to his belief, he has a pretty good editorial voice.
And yet Street Queen Shimmer cowered like a foal when faced by some two-bit thugs in Enforcer's climax. Either the weed had really ruined her already (if so how did she manage the incredibly more hostile human world as an invisible?) or Starlight's protagonist field is just a little too strong...
Despite all that I am actually somewhat intrigued... if this was Sunset before learning anything officially and (as we learn in Enforcer) completely unable to use numerical analysis in spellcasting, then potentially she is even more powerful than Starlight... which in your cosmology is very scary indeed.
7504185 Thank you for being a fan, having both read and remembered my stories!
You raise an interesting question and have correctly characterized Sunset's reaction at the end of Enforcers (weed+alcohol). She is very complex, something this story hints at. Another story, which is currently two-thirds complete, explains what led to the broken Sunset of Enforcers*, and hints at how a Sunset forced to clean up her act by Celestia at the end of Enforcers could become the cocksure
queenprincess of CHS. Unfortunately, a line in that story describing the climax of this story drove me to write this story first. Hopefully I'll finish that one and everything will be come somewhat less dramatically murky.I'm taking this a complement.
*His name, mentioned in Enforcers, is Brandywine.
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I must be entirely candid with you, my feelings on this AU is rather ambivalent. On the one hand I quite like the details and worldbuilding esp. in re magic; on the other it seems awfully unEquestrian (considering what happened to Starlight in the streets in particular and the rest in general). I would have no objections whatever if it were to take place in the magical land of Hominidia under the watchful gaze of the Immortal Princess, in fact I should consider the entire work greatly improved were it to be based in an original world setting, but the baggage of MLP created just a little too much dissonance.
tl;dr Ponies are not humans and we have numerous examples of them reacting vastly differently to situations both individually and as a society. Enforcer is good; enforcers with the serial numbers filed off and set in an original setting would have been better.
Also Starlight keeps rubbing me the wrong way even after reform she was very disparaging of Sunny and as far as I can tell the worst Sunset did to her was to insisit on first billing in a joint paper on what was Starlight's idea, and procrastinating on teaching Starry spell cancellation. And all of this against the backdrop of taking her in and opening doors for her.
I was looking forward to that fic where Sunny can finally tell Starry what she thinks of Starry in the human world from a position of non-addictjunkie strength, and maybe for that sociopath to show some bloody remorse for a change. Though I am okay with them never reconciling at all too. After all, becoming instantly accepted by Twilight and getting an Equestrian tenure makes it the second time Starry screw her over...
As to the second point... kinda? I mean I was just postulating how powerful Sunset might be. Of course there are hints that the purple runt might be even more powerful yet. Though that IS unclear as that was from the perspective of pre-numerical Sunny.
7504389 Interesting. I don't consider Enforcers or this an AU, though I do like to writing a more gritty MLP. As I hinted in the Redemption Commentaries, I have endeavored to keep everything within canon. (This assumes nothing we see revealed in my stories would be revealed by the characters for obvious reasons in a TV episode. Of course, since Twilight forgave Starlight after she destroyed Equestria a half-dozen times, being a gangland enforcer might not seem quite so evil.)
Rediscovering Harmony and its sequel are AU forks of this series of stories and tagged as such. And I do see a story on the other side of the mirror where Starlight and Sunset meet once again and settle some scores.
I don't know how to tag this better, but I surely understand if this stuff turns you off. Your remarks pointing to plot and characters in my stories have proved your literary bona fides to me. (I will humbly accept tag suggestions, tho.) I have a hankering to write something more like my early episode followups or Mark Misconception, but this is what happens when a SF writer tries to rehabilitate himself writing fan fiction.
For better or worse, I love MLP and I see this writing as practice to get me back to publishing again.
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It didn't turn me off - I do not read through 60K words of turn-offs. It was jarring at times but I consider it worth the journey.
As far as tags are concerned however, I should suggest tragedy as Starlight surely had many a character failing leading to where she was, and we know what her triumph ultimately led to, and perhaps sad as well as it deals with themes of poverty, violence and betrayal a decent bit beyond the norm in MLP.
But we really ought to limit our discussion to this story. Slum-Queen Sunset is possibly the most adorable and original Sunset origin idea I've read, and I have read about Sunset being a failed clone of Sunburst!
This seems interesting, It does seem a bit different from the Equestria we know, but not more than we're used to from fanfics. Looking forward to an appealing take on Sunset.
This is just getting better and better *grabs popcorn*
Oh look... yet another Sunset story with good characterization and interesting setting.
That probably would be ended with yet another tragedy.
Yet here i am, still wishing for a happy (or at least bitter sweet) ending.
Giddy up~
It's weird to me how Sunset looks to be stronger in this story than in the enforcer. Also I just generally feel sad for Celestia, one would think that being the god empress of pony kind would require enough strength to not be knocked over and mind-fucked by foals (even admittedly exceptionally powerful ones) although I guess that might have something to do with the curse.
Although I'm definitely no expert in critiquing writing, it is my belief that you write well. I feel your writing has a slightly 'technical' style to it (this observation also comes from my read through of the enforcer and her blackmailers) which tends to distance me when reading the more emotional scenes in your narrative. While I understand the emotions the characters are experiencing, they all feel muted. An example of what I'm talking about is the scene in this chapter where Celestia returns to the alley to find it empty; While I understand that Celestia must be mad, sad and frustrated, I cannot feel (?) or sympathize with her. Maybe you could experiment with putting more facial movement (mouth, eyes, eyebrows...) in scenes like this (or in general) to more effectively convey a character's feelings to the reader. Again, though, I am no expert critic so take everything I say with a grain of salt.
P.S. My only issue with giving preemptive likes when I'm not sure if I'll like a story is that one cannot remove a like they've given, only turn it into a dislike and this story definitely won't be getting one of those from me; I've seen some shit, bro.
7517953 I do hope you read the last chapter of the story when it releases today (Aug 28 8:30pm PDT). Remember Sunset's history. You may get what you're asking for.
7519156 Thank you for the crit.
This is valid and clear and allows me to see my writing through your eyes. I will consider this going forward.
Yikes! That too is a good crit. (Major hit points.) Thank you. Please consider revisiting the specific point you made in this comment again when you finish chapter five and comment upon it one more time.
In any case, again, thank you. I hope you'll read and comment upon Starlight and Her Double-Diamond Affair when I publish it soon.
As for the up voting, no harm no foul. I respect your candidness. Promoting on FimFiction is a hard business. Look into my blog posts for more thoughts on the voting matter, and yes, I've seen some "stuff."
I think my point about Celestia still stands; either she is way to weak or Sunset is obscenely strong (I suspect that it's the latter). Now, Celestia was trying to subdue Sunset without killing her but even so; she almost died doing it. I mean Cripes! This foal is like a second, almost fully grown Sombra (but not completely evil)!
The thing is; In the beginning of the fic you mention Celestia defending Equestria against (presumably) magical threats strong enough to wipe out the entire country, but then having her show very little of that magical prowess. Meanwhile you have Sunset ridiculing and besting Celestia at every turn and then giving Celestia a real run for her money in the climax. It's like you are saying that if you pit foal Sunset against some of the dangers that Celestia faced protecting Equestria, she'd come out on top. As a foal. I hope you understand why I find my suspension of disbelief quite stretched. Sunset is just way too overpowered as you portray her. I might (BIG emphasis on might) buy into Sunset giving Celestia a good fight when she's grown up and even then only if the narrative has gone out of it's way to set her up as a sort of 'the-chosen-one-who-betrayed-us' character (granted this is again, because of how I view alicorns and Celestia in particular). For what it's worth, I also took similar issue to Starlight Glimmer in the enforcer (albeit to a lesser extent).
tl;dr: Sunset is still to OP, Blizzard/Riot pls!
P.S. You'd think Celestia would have learnt some sort of AOE sleep spell or something.
P.S.S. Sorry for any crits I may or may not score
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Most of what you're seeing isn't the author's portrayal of Sunset
. And sticking on somewhat related lines, compare Celestia's characterization here with Starlight's in Enforcers and its sequels.
Celestia would vehemently diminish her roles in defending against those (except when it comes to "who's responsible for all the collateral damage/evils that came to be from this defense?", she'll gladly and eagerly take responsibility for those).
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I'm not a pony (as far as I know). Can I still ask you to write that epilogue?
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I feel like I'm missing something?
I rather liked this. The first person that showcased Celestia's voice, emotions, and story's flow was very nice to see. I really liked her reflections and musings on memory and her life. Having read the prequel, I not only would be interested in that epilogue, but also (because I haven't read it in a while) the connection to the mentions of Luna here and then the one in the prequel. I feel that there's some dissonance between the two versions, but that might just be memory. I also would like to see any more of the historical figures Celestia continues to reference in this continuity that I do remember more vividly, like her brother and Sombra, if there's any more to be said of them.
So were those of us who likely assumed Sol Umbra was an early version of Sombra (I at least hope it was more than just me) wrong? I can't see any number of centuries washing away that pain to allow her to open her heart to someone who looked like him.
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This comment relates to the prequel to this story. The comic book's mirror prince in my recollection is not at first received well. Additionally, a young 5-year-old moon-obsessed filly might slur Sol Umbra into Sombra. I suggest you read the comic; it's a good read. Sol Umbra and Celestia's further relationship is thus far unwritten, but adversity makes for strange albeit temporary bedfellows.
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I mean, I have, that's one of the best comic arcs ever. I just wasn't expecting you to utilize it as canon, and I'm having a hard time reconciling it with what I learned, or at least assumed, in To Bring Light.
This was excellent and haunting in all right ways. I in fact did read it all the way through.
Ps. I will be rereading this many times to learn your writing ways.
Pps. Favorite version of Sunset. Honestly shes one of my favs. After reading the lines that this follows canon...
I sad.
Truly if you wrote a instruction manual I would read it. Just everything! Beautiful stuff.