Been a brony since 2011 mostly write fan fics.
Ash, a former lieutenant in the EUP's old Expeditionary Army, is recruited by Twilight Sparkle to be the captain of her own friendship guard battalion. As a seasoned veteran he is very experienced but he does have his bitter past to deal with. With the magic of friendship He'll have to overcome his baggage of loss and grief if he is to be an effective leader.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I like this story, I'd like to see more! However, I'd advise that you put more time into proofreading. I caught a lot of mistakes.
7370499 Thanks, I'll be sure to be more diligent in my proof reading. Thanks for taking time to read my fic.
7370748 no prob
Nice chapter. Can't wait for more.
Nice chapter. Though, I'm still catching a lot of errors.
Oh please don't tell me Ember died! She sounds so sweet...
There are a few problems I have with the story. I love it! Just Its tough to read and here's why.
1. There isn't balance in the chapters
It's chapter 3, and I felt like I just read 5 chapters in one, which in this chapter is going all over the place. Like for example, there are stories here, were one chapter is focused on the event for the story. You have it were the focus on the chapter keeps going with out rest and takes away a lot more for you to be creative to build a story.
As well I had problems with the rushing at the present...
2. Past & present
Ok.... Jumping between past & present isn't that really great at all. It would have been better for the past to be its own chapter. (To add more to story). The editing is mix with it, which causes it to mess up as well. There is an opportunity for characters, world building etc, in both of the subjects.
3. Characters & world building.
Like with I said in 1&2. The characters felt empty... Why? Well when reading it, there seems to be that you miss the opportunity to add more dialogue and development for the characters. Their expressions are good! Just I see that you have the opportunity to add more. (The part of the 3 girls spying should be clean up, it's a mix bag with them)
Your doing great with world building, just there's opportunity for more to use. As well the OC characters are really great, just could add them more into the stories past for your main character to grow.
4. I think you need a editor.
It's not all bad, just needs someone to help clean things here & there.
Overall the story is really great, I do wish that it could had been more pace out? I really want to love this like with a few other Royal Gaurd stories but with the problems it's hard to like, even I like it.
7396649
Thanks, I really appreciate you taking to time to critique my story as thoroughly as you did. To be honest, this is an old fic that I've been trying to rewrite for fimfiction, but this whole fic is a mess. I wish i knew where to start when trying to get someone else to edit my story.
7396527
bad things tend to happen to good ponies, thats all I'll say about the plot.
7404842 Have you ever read Semper Pie? I think it we'll help you a lot with the story.
How it is balanced between past & present is really great.