/Chapter 3: Confrontation/
Edited by: Chrome Masquerade
“Ahhh…stupid vine, almost tripped on it. I have no time to lose. I need to be quick if I want to be of any possible help.” I thought to myself as I continued to rapidly make my way over to the calls of distress. My body was covered in sweat as I could hear my heart pumping into my ears from this mad dash.
My muscles began to burn, but I didn’t care. For some reason I was just filled with dread and a feeling of urgency even though I had no idea what I would encounter once there.
My body was already covered in small cuts and bruises from strafing by small spikes and sharp branches as I ran. But just as with my untrained muscles I ignored the pain and simply continued on my mad dash.
“Please… anypony? Can anypony hear us? We need HELP!!!”
The sounds were getting louder and clearer as I rapidly came closer and closer to its source.
What eventually really started to worry me were the loud barks, growls, and sounds of claws scratching on wood, telling me right clearly that I was running directly into danger as well.
But again despite my fears I simply continued to press on, jumping over one a fallen tree trunk before I finally came within visual range of the source of the noise.
What I saw made my eyes go wide.
“Are… are those… wolves made of wood?” I whispered as I managed to keep myself momentarily hidden behind a large tree as I observed the scene in front of me.
Despite the deep darkness that dominated the rest of the forest, here everything was far brighter and clearer to see, thanks to the relative openness of this clearing and the large full moon above us.
Though that was not what dominated my attention. What did eventually made me do a double take was the fact that these… wooden Canines were slowly circling a large dead tree that was leaning dangerously over a cliff!
Though, it was what was on top of the tree which made my eyes go even wider.
On the tree's top branches, holding on for dear life where two Ponies, two Pegasus ponies to be precise. Heavily beaten and injured, trying their best to keep themselves away from the prying claws of these predators as they tried to climb up the tree.
“Flitter… I… I am so sorry that I got yourself into this mess…this is all my fault… me and my stupid antics and daredevilry… if only if I had listened to you more…”
“It’s… it’s ok Cloud… that’s… what I am here for… i'm… i'm your sister and as sisters we… we stick together. I made a promise to mom and dad to look after you… and I have been keeping that promise ever since… and I will continue doing so for the rest of our days… if this is… the day… where we both have to go down… at least we go down together… sis.”
“Flitter, I… I… SIS LOOK OUT!!!”
My heart almost stopped as I was forced to watch from behind my hiding spot as one of these monsters managed to climb close enough to scratch one of these ponies with its claws, leaving a large gash on her flank as she screamed in pure pain and fighting herself to not lose her grip.
It was then that under the combined weight of these two ponies and the monsters trying to climb it that the entire root system of the tree began to fail as it slowly ripped itself out from the ground and quickly toppled over, directly over the large drop behind it.
I just couldn’t watch, I just couldn’t do anything because I felt too afraid to even move from my position. I came here to help them but in the end all I simple did was watch in utter horror and fear letting these monsters toy around with them and eventually letting them fall to their death simply because I am too much of a coward to do anything.
I’m so pathetic…
“FLITTER!!”
“CLOUDCHASER!!”
Than my eyes suddenly open as something deep within my being suddenly awakened.
All of my fear suddenly drained away as a new fire began to ignite inside my heart, a fire I had never ever felt before in my life.
It felt… empowering, inspiring… encouraging. A feeling of power and will I have never felt before. It was… it was… unbelievable.
My wings suddenly opened for the first time, and without even feeling or thinking about it I began galloped out into the open. With anger, determination and courage burning within my eyes.
I kicked, punched and charged through every single one of these creatures who dared to stand in my way, sending them flying and crashing into the ground, trees, or rocks around us as they yelp and howl in pain from my action.
One by one they meet the ends of my horn or hoof as I soon came face to face with their leader.
He was large, really, really large in comparison to his other kin, with large scars covering its wood-like body to display his strength and power to all who dared to oppose him.
It let out an ear shattering roar as it charged at me, its eyes displaying a lust for blood as its massive size and strong legs dug deep into the ground as it ran towards me.
I simply continued my own charge, feeling rather unimpressed by my opponent’s size and viciousness.
Time seemed to slow down as we continued to charge at one another, neither one of us showing any sign of intimidation or backing down.
Even though my body was working practically on overdrive, my mind, though was surprisingly calm as I stared into the glowing red eyes of my opponent.
I simply let my instincts take over as I began to jump high into the air with my wings still fully extended, just barely missing this monster's massive jaws as it was about to strike me down, gliding over its massive head and using it as a boost to clear the rest of the monster’s body by kicking its skull with my hind legs forcing its head to hit the dirt below it as my wings, at that point, took over.
I easily cleared the rest of the way as time slowly began to resume its normal state as I dove over the cliff and immediately took chase after the two still falling Pegasi below.
The wind rushed past me at high speeds as I dived bombed my way to them. The cries and looks of fear in their eyes and voices were obvious as they flailed around desperately in the air in the hopes of a miracle.
A miracle that is diving faster towards them than they realized.
As soon as I reached them I began to grab them one by one with my forelegs, grabbing them around their waists and holding them close to and in front of me.
I immediately began to angle myself horizontally to keep them safe on top of me and wrapped my wings around them as well for extra protection as my back was facing the rapidly approaching ground below us.
I simply closed my eyes and held on tight as we continued to fall along the cliff walls.
A small but happy smile formed on my lips just few moments before my body hit the rock hard ground.
Before I know it, a loud crash and a shot of unimaginable pain rocked my entire body as the entire world went black.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Light was the only thing greeting my vision as soon as I opened my eyes.
The first obvious thought that went through my mind was “Am I dead?” but that got somewhat debunked when my vision slowly adjusted itself to the bright rays and all I was able to see was a clear cloudless blue sky and the bright shine of the sun above me.
I groaned as I slowly began to sit up and felt rather surprised how easy it was for me. For some reason I expected it to be a bit harder than that.
Another thing that really surprised me was how…familiar my body felt, nothing like the new pony body I have now.
I look down onto myself and was shocked to find out that I had my normal legs and feet again, same for my hands and arms as I moved them in front of me.
Thank god I have some pants and a shirt on as well otherwise it would have been a bit awkward, though I wonder where my shoes are.
“How…since when did I turn human again?”
“Well, since you came here, obviously.”
“What… who said that?” I thought to myself in surprise after I heard that.
I began to look around me, trying to find the owner of that voice but all I saw was a never ending expanse of clear blue skies and an endless field of clouds filling the horizon.
Oh yeah… did I already mention that was sitting on clouds? A never ending expanse of clouds going as far as I could possibly make out?
Huh…I guess I really must be dead than. This at least explains why I can sit on an otherwise non solid objects and find myself in a place looking like this.
“Nah, you're cool man. You’re not dead, don’t worry.” The same voice suddenly replied scaring the ever living crap out of me.
“How…how does it know what I was thinking?” I thought to myself again as I started to try and pinpoint the source of that voice again only to once again finding nothing but the same emptiness and stillness of clouds and blue clear sky.
“No dude, behind you. I am behind you.”
I immediately held still after the voice said that, and despite my better judgment and, simply out of curiosity, I did as the voice instructed me and turned my head and upper body around so that I could see what was behind me.
I couldn’t believe my eyes at what presented itself in front of me when I did.
“Hey there. I know it’s a bit awkward seeing yourself in front of you… Well, your other self, that is.”
Saying I was speechless was an understatement. I was stunned to see my own self standing there behind me with an awkward smile on its face, my pony face.
“Uhhhh…” Was all I got out as I continued to look completely dumbstruck.
“… Ok, I either must be dreaming… or I am really dead.”
“No, trust me you’re not dead, though you might be right with the whole dreaming thing.” My pony self-answered with a smile, making me raise an eyebrow in suspicion.
“Ok… then tell me… where am I and who the heck are you?”
My pony self snickered to himself after I asked that, shaking his head a bit before addressing me with his smile again.
“I am you. Duh. Well, you're more courageous side, to be precise. Also you are currently in your own subconscious, if that information helps you.”
I simply stared at him.
“Sub-conscious?? My sub-conscious is a representation of something that most peoples would imagine heaven would look like?” I asked while scratching my head.
He simply shrugged again.
“Again, I don’t know way it looks like this, but hey, you got to admit that it looks very pretty and peaceful. I kind of like it to be honest.” He answered with another smile.
I simply continued to scratch my head after that, before remembering something else he said earlier.
“Also, a more courageous side of me? Are you shitting me, I’m not very courageous at all since I prefer to stay away from danger. Also why would my more braver side be represented by a pony?” I asked him accusingly while crossing my arms, this time fully facing him.
I watch my other self think for a while before simply shrugging and looking back at me while rubbing the back of his head with one of his hooves.
“Beats me, to be honest. Also, prefer to stay away from danger? Then please do tell how you managed to perform that little stunt you did just a few moments ago, hmmm?” My pony self-answered with a smug smile at the end, which confused the heck out of me.
“What??!! What are you talking about?”
He simply chuckled.
“Don’t worry, you’re going to find out soon enough. You're about to wake up anyway.” He answered still keeping his smile.
“Wake up… but I don’t feel….”
“Oh yeah, I just forgot” He interrupted as he took his hat off and held it out in front of him.
I simply looked at him confused as he began to turn the hat upside down with his hooves.
“Remember that you can take your possessions from your world into your current one and back with this Trilby, basically like one of those magic hat thingies that those old-school magicians use. But you should already know that because it was your idea when you made me.” He explained to me with a smile as he demonstrated it by sticking his hoof into it and then suddenly pulling out my smartphone to show it to me.
I again simply stared at him dumbfounded before he quickly tossed my phone back into the hat and placed it back onto his head.
“Well, anyway It’s time to wake up.”
“No, wait! I still need to know…”
“Wake up.”
“WAKE UP!!!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...
“Hey sis… I think he’s waking up.”
“Really? Oh, thank the Celestia for that… with that impact he took earlier I thought he would never wake up.” I hear two voices say as consciousness slowly returned to me.
The very first thing I felt, though, was pain. Lots and lots of pain. Not as widespread as the first time, but this time more concentrated into one area.
My Back. My bloody back.
“Ohhhh ffffffffuck… why do I always… have to wake as if I just fell from a hundred story building or something.” I groaned as my eyes were slowly starting to open up.
“Uhm, actually… you fell down a very large cliff to be precise… with us. Th… thank you, by the way, for saving our lives like that… by almost… sacrificing yours.” one voice said awkwardly
“Yeah… thanks a lot mister. That was really epic of you. I mean, I haven’t seen or heard of anypony being able to survive such a fall -and impact- before… you really are a hero. For the two of us, at least.” I heard the other voice reply as I was still in the wake up process while ignoring the pain in my back.
“Wha… what? Who are you two? And also what are you two talking abo-”
I stopped before I could even finish my sentence as everything suddenly came back to me; the encounter, the monsters, the fall, everything.
My eyes immediately shot open as I attempted to quickly get up, but got stopped as a sudden spike of pain assaulted and I was forced back onto the ground with a heavy hiss escaping my teeth.
“No, no… be careful! Please don’t move so erratically. You’re still injured and you need to take it slowly.” I heard as a set of hooves gently pressed me back down onto the ground.
“Yeah. it’s actually quite a miracle that nothing else got injured as well. Aside from a few cuts and bruises on your back. Any other pony would have shattered their spines completely if they had been in your hooves.” I heard the other voice comment as I was still grinding my teeth from the pain.
I sighed after the pain slowly began to subside. I eventually felt calm enough to open my eyes again and the first sight that greeted me were nothing but a blurry, unrecognizable mess of figures and colors, making me rub my eyes and slightly groan in annoyance.
“Ugh… where are my glasses?”
“Your glasses? Oh you mean these. Just a sec.” I heard the first voice reply as I continue to massage my eyeballs.
“Here”
“Th… thanks, but… Could you maybe do it for me? It’s difficult to place them back onto my nose with… hooves. ” I asked, a tad sheepishly.
“Oh, ok.” She replied as I felt a pair of hooves gently placing my glasses back onto the bridge of my snout where they belong.
I sighed in relief as my vision was finally restored. I was about to thank the individual who gave back my glasses, until I realized who it was standing right in front of me.
“I know these two… I’ve seen these two characters before back home in both fan art and tumblr sites… background characters I would guess?” and I guess I was right with that thought seeing them right in front and personal. “It’s just too bad that I can’t remember what they were called. Jeez, what were their names again?” I thought to myself as I curiously watched the light violet colored fur and white colored, spiky maned mare in front of me.
Another mare suddenly came up from behind her looking almost the same in terms of coat color, only even lighter and with a long bluish-green mane with a pink bow on top.
Again, just couldn’t remember her name as I continued to curiously observe both of them.
Suddenly a thought struck me.
“Wait… do… do they know? I mean both a horn and wings should be easy to spot. Especially mine, as they seem to be bigger than your average Unicorn and Pegasus…CRAP!!” I thought to myself.
I began to internally panic as the realization hits home. I slowly began to back away from them nervously, minding my back.
The two of them showed looks of confusion and concern towards me as i continued to slowly crawl backwards and eventually hit a wall behind me.
It was only then when I realized that we were actually inside a cave with the only exit being right behind them. Man, what the heck is wrong with my perception lately, constantly never noticing such obvious stuff.
Also with them standing right in front of the only exit this meant that I was basically trapped as well. Shit!
“Oh, what… what’s wrong? Was it something i said?” The white haired one asked as her face showed genuine concern.
“No… just… just no. You two already know what I am don’t you?”
“Know? Know what? What are you talking about?” She replied with confusion as she began to look back at her sister for possible answers.
Only for her to realize something, staring directly at me with wide eyes, shock, surprise, and disbelief etched on her expression.
Shit… she knows… actually, wait a minute…
“Oh, sis what are you…?”
“Cl… Cloud Chaser. Take… take another look. Like a REALLY good look and tell me what you see.” The one wearing a pink bow answered.
The one with Spiky white hair did so as she, too, took another look at me. At first she continued to look confused, until a look of realization sprung up and she too was looking at me with shock and disbelief written on her face.
Wa… wait a minute… did I just sell myself out by acting strange and claiming that they know? Helping them essentially realize what I truly am?
FUUUUUUCK, what a bloody idiot I am. SHIT.
“Uh… oh, no it’s… it’s not what it looks like…I…I’m just an average…looking Pegasus to be honest. That horn you see on top of me…it’s just glued on… it's fake. I place it there to… pull a prank on someone…y es a prank hehe.” I desperately tried to lie while smiling sheepishly at the end.
Obviously though, they weren’t buying it as the white haired one slowly started to approach me. Curiosity replacing her previous shocked expression.
The moment she was in arm’s length she began to tap my horn roughly with the tip of her hoof making me feel really tense and really awkward at the same time.
“Hmmm. Looks and feels real to me.” She commented to herself.
I watched her tap my horn a few more times until the pony in back suddenly began to shout at her, making both of us flinch in surprise.
“Clou… Cloudchaser… what the BUCK ARE YOU DOING???!!!! STOP THAT! THIS PONY HERE MIGHT BE A PRINCE FOR ALL WE KNOW!!!” She shouted in panic.
That accusation immediately sent alarm bells through my mind as the last thing I wanted them to thing was that I was some kind of royalty or monarch.
“WHAT!! NO Nonononononono I am not a prince…far from it. I am just a normal everyday guy who tries to find his place in the world, that’s all, just like everyone else.” I quickly corrected in a panicked voice while looking at her.
“See? He said he is not royal so it’s cool.” The one dubbed Cloudchaser replied casually while smiling.
Wait… is she for REAL? Just a few moments ago she looked just as shocked and surprised as her sister and now all of the sudden she is totally cool with it?
Is she secretly retarded, or is she really just so incredibly chill with the idea that there is an unknown Alicorn just sitting right in front of her?
Maybe my worries from earlier were just fabrications of my imagination and it might actually be ok for these ponies to accept me for what I am, but then again the looks and reactions of her sister completely destroyed these ideas and made me even more determined to keep my true looks hidden from everyone and everything as best as I possibly could.
The last things I want to cause while being stuck here is either a mass panic or mass riot, two things I am very allergic to, so to speak.
I was quickly drawn back into reality as I began to hear both of than start to argue and bicker. Mostly revolving about me and my appearance and how irresponsible Cloudchaser was and how bossy her sister is.
At this point I really had to say something before things started to get out of hand -or hoof, as the case may be-. Mostly for my sake, since I know that I am far from being out of the woods yet -No pun intended,- because I can tell from looking past the cave exit that I am still in the Everfree, which I don’t like.
I nervously tried to get their attention back to me to perhaps defuse this situation…just a little bit, if not completely.
“Um… Excuse me?” I tried to call out from my position but as expected was meant with no response as they continued arguing.
I sighed. Only one last thing to do then.
“WOULD YOU TWO STOP BICKERING FOR ONE MINUTE??!!” I shouted, which thankfully did the trick.
They both flinched at my sudden… assertiveness as they both turned to look at me with surprised looks on their faces.
I cleared my throat.
“So… sorry for shouting but I desperately wanted to say something before things would go too far.” I started.
“For starters, even though I look…somewhat unique from the outside I can easily assure you that beyond that there is absolutely nothing special or different about me in comparison to everyone else. I am just an average dude who likes to lives his life normally and tried to avoid trouble and danger wherever he goes.”
“Heck, that’s another thing. I don’t even know to use my horn or wings. So there. You can stop your arguing because there is nothing to argue about.” I finished my explanation with a sight as I took my Trilby off to rub my head a bit.
An awkward silence dominated the small cave we were in as neither me nor the two mares in front of me dared to say anything else after my earlier sudden outburst.
I shook my head sadly and sighed, placing my Fedora back onto my noggin and attempted to stand up back on all fours. Only to be brutally reminded again of my back as I almost fell back down.
This, though, managed to spark a reaction from one of the two sisters as the one with the bow quickly rushed over me to support me with her body before I could fall.
“I already told you that you need to take it slowly, the injury on your back is still fresh, so please, lay back down before you make it even worse.” She pleaded with concern leaking from her voice.
I simply smiled weakly at her for her concern as I tried my best to ignore the pain.
“It's… quite alright. Really, trust me when I say I’ve had FAR worse pains than this.” I replied with a weak chuckle to try and ease her concern a bit.
Though my attempts to calm her down quickly vanished as I saw the still fresh looking four-claw gash on her flank that one of those monsters gave her as my own concern for her quickly rose.
“But, wait… what about you? You’re seriously injured as well.” I asked while pointing at her wound with one of my hooves.
She followed my gaze and sighted as she realized what I was pointing out too.
“Well… yeah, but out here I really can’t do anything about it other than making sure it stays clean.” She explained with a sad look as her ears drooped.
“But don’t worry, I can manage…I hope.” She added, looking at the ground.
I knew for a fact that this wound could easily get infected if not closed or treated soon, especially out here.
It was then when the memory of the dream about talking to my pony self within my subconscious mind suddenly re-emerged.
“What did he mention about my Hat again? Something about being able to pull out stuff from my world over to this world, like a magician's hat?” I thought to myself as I tried to reply my memory of that one particular experience of my dream.
Thinking back onto the time when I drew and designed my OC’s character I did gave him an ability that enabled him to pull out and store all of his personal possessions from his home over to him and vice versa giving him almost endless storage capacity wherever he went. Well, at least stuff that was able to fit through his hat as it didn’t work for anything else that was bigger, for obvious reasons.
Knowing this, I looked over to my support.
“Could you maybe give me a little bit more space? I… uh… need to try something out, if you don’t mind?” I asked while looking at the ground feeling a bit unsure.
The mare in front of me simply stared at me in confusion before simply nodding and carefully retreating herself from me while keeping a careful eye on me.
I took this opportunity of personal space to move my Fedora from my head and onto my hoof in an upside-down position giving me a full-on view of the inner part of my headdress.
At first glance it looked like how I imaged it would, empty and completely normal.
Even so, I could somehow feel that all of the normality that my Fedora enforced was nothing more than just a clever illusion to fool anyone who didn’t know otherwise.
I simply shrugged and began to place my bets as I carefully sat myself down onto my rump and slowly lowered my other hoof down into the interior of my Fedora.
I took a glance over to the bow wearing mare for just a second as my hoof mysteriously went deeper and deeper into my hut as I unknowingly began to feel something attach itself onto my hoof as I quickly looked back.
Surprise and shock dominated my mind after I saw how deep I managed to lower my hoof into my hut, with half of my foreleg completely disappearing from view I slowly began to retract my foreleg back out and was even more surprised to see that two full rolls of clean, unused bandages were suddenly visible resting on top of my hoof.
Both mares also looked rather shocked at this display as they both stared at my hat and then back at the bandages I just pulled out. Seemingly out of nowhere from their perspective, which isn’t really far fetched especially from my point of view and experience.
I simply shrugged to myself as I looked over to the bow wearing mare in front of me holding out the bandages in front of her.
At this point I decided to myself to just accept everything that is nonsensical and reality breaking from now on. I am, after all, stuck in a world where magic and mythical creatures exist, so trying to add my real world logic into this would lead nowhere besides a trip into a mental hospital. A place I am not planning on visiting anytime soon.
“Here you can use these to cover up your wound and not risk infection. Please take them.” I said as calmly as I possibly could.
She, of course looked confused as hell as her gaze switches to me, to the bandages and back to me in a real comical way. Eventually, though, she seemed to get a grip on herself again as she gazed back on me with a questionable look on her muzzle.
“Oh… ok? But… but how did you just…?”
“Nope, sorry. No more questions. Just simply roll with it and accept it as fact. Easy peasy.” I quickly interrupted her while crossing my forelegs.
“Oh. ok then. Thank you.” She simply replied, while still looking somewhat confused, and took the bandages by grabbing them with one of her wings that wasn’t bandaged up like the other one.
Huh, how did I miss that? Seriously, my perception is all over the place lately. Hopefully that fixes itself soon, otherwise I am going to have some serious problems later on.
“Well, uh… Cloud, could you, maybe, help me wrap this around my left flank? It’s a bit difficult doing it all alone.” She called out towards her sister.
Her sister simply nodded as she trotted over to her sibling to help her properly cover up her wound.
I took the time while these two were busy to think about my situation and my next course of action. My back obviously still stings from the…supposedly epic rescue event that I achieved. To be completely honest here my memory of that one particular event is somewhat hazy, to say the least. The only thing I could remember were emotions. Raw, uncontrolled emotions and feelings.
Weird, I know, but more worrying than weird. I mean what does this tell me? Will this happen more often? Will I be able to control it, or even better, prevent it from happening again? ‘Cause the idea of me doing things without me fully knowing it or controlling it is an idea that would make many feel worried.
Does this have to do with the fact that I am a wing spanning horn wielding pony?
Maybe…maybe not. Crap, this is so confusing, and just earlier I had decided to just go with the flow and accept things as they are and no longer question them.
One thing is for sure… if I am going to survive in a world such as this I am going to need people -or, uh, ponies- that I can trust.
But how can I find those who won’t either fear me, hate me, or just cell me out?
“Uh... hey there?”
I was pulled out of my reverie as a voice suddenly called out for me. I looked up and was greeted with the sheepish look of the bow wearing mare in front of me with her sister right next to her.
“Thanks for the bandages, and again thank you for saving us from falling to our deaths. Without you my sister and I would not be here at all. And… and I also want to apologies how both of us acted in front of you.” She announced as she and her sister gave me the most sincere smile I have ever seen.
I nodded, giving them a small smile of my own while rubbing the back of my head.
“It… it’s nothing, really. I just did what any other decent individual would have done.” I replied, looking at the ground sheepishly.
I was taken completely by surprise as two sets of forelegs began to wrap themselves around my body, encasing me in the warmth of both these mares’ bodies.
I blushed as I realized what was happening. Nonetheless, I accepted it, as it wasn’t really often that you get hugged by two warm and fuzzy ponies, Though, I have a feeling that this is going to become much more common in the future. Something I need to keep an eye out for if I want to make sure ponies don’t get suspicious regarding my wings.
They eventually broke off giving me back my personal space and sat themselves around me as I was still blushing a bit from the sudden body contact I had just received.
Both of them giggled at my reaction, which really didn’t help at all, but it was still nice to know that these two were starting to relax themselves and not panic, worry, or be surprised and shocked at me.
The one with the bow broke the silence. “Oh yeah, I just forgot, we never even introduced ourselves to you did we?”
“Well my name is Flitter.” She introduced herself before gesturing over to her sister.
“And this here is my sister Cloudchaser, but I guess you already know that simply because I have already called her by her name multiple times since you woke up.” She finished by scratching the back of her neck sheepishly.
Cloudchaser in turn smiled at me as she was about to ask me something.
“What can we call you by the way?” She asked as both Flitter and her smiled at me.
I was about to give her my name before I managed to stop myself as a thought entered me.
What name am I going to give them? Am I going to give them my real name or my pony name?
I guess giving my real name or my pony name to them wouldn’t really matter that much, but what about any other pony I am might come across in the near future? I know for a fact that human names are weird and almost alien for these ponies so giving them my real name would just unintentionally give me even more unwanted attention in the future than I might already get for just being around them.
So I guess using my real name would eventually end up to be more of a problem to me than I am prepared for.
My OC’s name it is.
“Nava, just call me Nava.” I finally replied with a smile.
There are a lot of grammar and some spelling mistakes still.
Problem is, I'm too damn lazy to point out.
7373295 The fedora does fit him pretty well.
7374306
You're either:
A. Pulling our legs
Or
B. Telling the truth and the universe is pulling a cosmic joke on us.
Hmm...
7374266 cell out should be sell out
I wonder what will happen next to Nava. Also, this is one of the few alicorn OCs that I'm ok with. So far. Just... don't make him too much like a Gary stu. He's drifting slightly into that teritory already, minus the fact that he can't use magic or fly. If you keep those traits then it, should be pretty easy to prevent him from becoming overpowered. Plus someone or a few that hates/ is suspicious of him, and you are set!
7374266 please point them out i need to be better.
theres a few i found
7374354 I don't understand why having a "on the go" Magical storage device is "drifting slightly" into OP territory. Just have it so he still has access to his earth stuff. Yes i know that his hut can eventually used as a Deu ex machina, but many stories to be honest have that. MLP:FIM itself is full of it. The elements of harmony come to mind.
This could be an interesting story, the humor could be good if you keep working on it.
7374374 Can you point them out better in what sentence they are?
7374384 Will have to see.
Is this a test about how many cliches you can put in three chapters?
You, as an author, have a limit time frame to capture an audience and you choose to present us, in the 3 chapters available, everything from nearly every other HiE story there is. I could literally exchange just the names and put this in front of 100 other fanfics.
Also:
- Fedoras aren't cool
- Swearing isn't cool either.
- Nobody wakes up like that, thinking for half an hour. In a situation like that people would jump awake and fail around with their unfamiliar limbs when trying to stand up. Nobody is like: "Oh look, lying like this hurts and is really uncomfortable. Let's complain in my mind a few minutes before even opening my eyes."
Another great chapter by Nava
7374394 I don't understand. Also it's getting harder and harder with every year to come with something original, because everything gets done already slowly.
7374394 Well its obvious that pleasing EVERYONE is impossible, everybody knows that.
But also if you don't like it than why do you read it? Further more why waste your time commenting on why it is trash?
Just leave it alone and move on, read something that you do like.
Leute wie Sie scheinen nur Sachen zu kommentieren um ein troll zu sein
Jeezuz
7374402
I know you can't invent the tire new every time, but you can at least try to make it unique to your story.
If the human has to suddenly appear in Equestria, don't make it the Everfree Forest. Let him crash through the roof of a family living in Hoofington for example.
If he has to rescue someone give him a good reason to overcome his fears. Maybe the family I mentioned has a daughter. You know, some innocent, lisping Woona clone or something he really got to know while recovering. Then one day the house is burning -because of an accident or whatever- and he rushes in with new found determination to rescue the little foal that had to play with the matches. Rescuing XY in the Everfree is boring! I can't think of one mare who didn't need rescuing suddenly as the human arrived. He also could rescue a stallion and not move in with future potential "love interests".
Make a list with places, names and events, number them and take dices. Spice things up!
7374406
Believe me, if I thought something was trash I wouldn't even bother to write anything. And not everyone is a troll, surprisingly.
Manchmal meines es Leute tatsächlich auch einfach nur gut und wollen helfen.
7374410 Don't worry, i have reason why first 3 chapters are like that. Why he lands in the everfree first and why he is an alicorn and suddenly has...instincts he never had until now.
Its all going to be more obvious in future chapters on why.
Also you are complaining about swearing? Really? I am not saying swearing is good, swearing is definitely a bad habit, but the truth also is its everywhere, you cant escape it no matter what
7374423
Like I said, I think most readers will never read that. You have to capture an audience from the beginning. So what use are these ideas if many will never read them?
7374429 Well i am still a learner, i am doing this to somewhat better myself and try to do something else besides drawing all day.
Also i am doing this for fun, and just like with drawing i wanted to materialize my ideas, this time in written form.
7374377 i was more talking about the fact that the first two ponies he met he made friends with. yes he did save their lives but still that is under the classical gary stu things to look out for. the magic hat thing is ok. as long as he doesn't start rivaling one of the princesses in terms of magical power it should be ok.
7374434
I get that. That's why I try to provide a little aid.
And my advise is, rethink your start. You fight against cliches, alicorn OC haters and haters of HiE in general.
Make him earn those wings, maybe don't give him a fedora (really, fedoras are hated and not only by me), and maybe even rewrite his entry into Equestria.
PS: Horses don't have "the time of the month" human woman have.
PSS: My take on cliches: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/431434/are-all-humans-that-go-to-equestria-the-same
7374385
7374443 Thanks for your help but at the same time i think your taking this story a bit too seriously. (That was the original concept anyway, until my editor suggested to add a bit more seriousness regarding future plot points)
One: I do understand the reasons why alicorn OC's are hated but Nava had to be for the concept of this story to work, and this fic was not aimed at the Alicorn OC heaters.
Two: This fic is also not aimed for HIE haters as well.
Three: I personally don't understand why Fedoras are hated. I personally like them for reason i already listed in previous comments bellow and also i do have one.
Four: Human/pony body function who cares because this still is based of a cartoon with magic and mythical creatures, so really almost everything goes. Plus i am not the only one.
Also i know this last point is kind of pointless but, if my fic has so many hated stuff in it, than why does it still have a good score and rating, in fact its the best one i have compared to my previous two stories i have, especially in such a short time. Again i am doing this for fun and to share my ideas with others instate of letting them go to waste in my head. I go off read other peoples stuff and see what they did right so i can try and improve.
Yes you can argue that if i left all of these things out and made everything better the positive feedback would be better as well. But i am not that good yet and again its impossible to please everyone which is know.
Again i am doing this for fun.
7374450 Thank you.
7374364
Please, don't move so much.
"Moving erratically" means not moving in a fixed pattern.
You're still injured, and need to takes it slow.
Either "slow" or "slowly" works. Both have been used as Adverbs many times for a long long while.
Sorry, but this is just personal preference.
No, no...Be careful! or No, please...Be careful! or No, please, be careful! or Now, now...Be careful!
Just go with the one that sound most natural in these "special sentences" situations.
These are among the many that I came across.
7374529 Is it that bad? Can you maybe help me out than?
7374551 >.> As stated many times...I'm too lazy...Plus my computer is shitty.
7374551 also...It's then, not than.
.
7374560 oh...ok. Sorry i forgot about that.
7374471
Sorry if this sounds like nitpicking, but it drives me nuts. Your character (and most likely you IRL) is wearing a trilby, not a fedora.
futureworldblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/fedora-vs-trilby.jpg
The brim in the picture in Chp. 2 is far too small and slanted to be a fedora. That is all, thank you.
Well this is cool, is the multiuniverse involved? I would be cool if you use the multiuniverse in some way.
7374715 Oh i see. Thanks for pointing that out than. Should i change it all now?
7375602
If you feel like it. It's not story breaking, it's just something that annoys me.
Ok so you use the mare model in your cover art, which is fine I like the mare model better. However for the first few chapters I didn't know if the main character was male or female. Of if he was male but got turned female because alicorns are female in cannon. So my point is that it was unclear in the first few chapters.
7376655 How about the concept sketch i added to chapter 2 was it still confusing for you or did you know from looking at it that he is indeed male (stallion).
So, his hat works just like Pinkie's mane?
7376897 Kind of. But never thought about the similarities between his hat and pinkies mane.
7376956 Will, "Don't think about it, that's just Nava being Nava." become a thing now?
What's up with all of the fedora and trilby hate?
7377220 it's a meme.
You know, there is a pony called "Donut Joe."
Prince.
Male alicorn OC.
Yeah, goodbye.
7520251 Now I want to see a male alicorn of art named... Prints.
While I'm fine with Nava not know the names of Cloudchaser and Flitter, a part of me just feels a bit pissed that he didnt recognize a timberwolf. Come on, man! We know you are brony-aware! Did the guy skip a few episodes or something?
7586175
At some point it stated he has not, in fact, watched the episodes. He just found fimfiction.net and read a couple things, and wrote a couple things.
Edit: though it is kinda weird how out of all the stories the character has read he hasn't seen one with Timberwolves
OH SILLY, DON'T CHA SAY WHAT LOL. DIES.
That was waaay to funny, I can't even even. I mean, you can take this offensively—I don't recommmend it—but I suggest taking it with a grain of salt, because I'm really enjoying the trope-cliché apparail.
It's double profit.
Pull anything out of a hat?
Pulls a Deagle out
COME AT ME BITCHES!
In this chapter all I could think of is the wake me up song
10/10 would save myself again
I want to like this, but its really hard. The pacing is the only thing keeping this story from being unreadable. Without that I would have given up on the first chapter. I would reccomend you get an editor and perhaps even meet up with someone to make some revisions in the writing.
7666620
Which "wake me up song"?
Bring Me To Life by Evanescence?