Chapter 15: Thestral Involvement
Edited by: Chrome Masquerade
Proofread by: Midnight Gear
“Two days ago, a strange and abrupt magical anomaly almost caused a city-wide disaster in Cloudsdale.” I read the reports out loud.
“Though thankfully no casualties have been filed besides a few bumps and bruises from local investigators and a lot of property damage. Though the populace was still in a panic even after the magical field has dissipated… AHH screw this! Such small pickings are the jobs for the Garden statues of the day guard and NOT the night guard.” I huffed in annoyance as I simply threw the report files into a bin beside my desk.
“Pff… ponies nowadays, panicking at every little thing. Back in the old days Equestrians were much more hard-shelled and magic anomalies were FAR more disastrous than just lifting a bunch of crap into the air for a few minutes. Bloody ponies now a days don't even know how seriously good they have it now compared to back than.” I muttered as I leaned back on my chair and rested my hind legs onto the desk.
“More ridiculous is the fact that such an anti-gravity anomaly happened in perhaps the BEST possible city it could occur. Some ponies, or should I say, Pegasi, still refuse to leave their homes in fear of getting lifted back into the air against their will! PEGASI!!!” I ranted mentally.
“But seriously now; back during the time of the old kingdom, ponies -or Equestrians in general- were a force to be reckoned with… more or less thanks to us Thestrals who taught those ponies how to fight in the first place. Home of some of the finest legions and armies the world had ever seen. Proud and strong, always ready for a fight. But since Princess Luna’s banishment her sister, princess sun-butt has transformed a pervious professional military and magic imbued powerhouse into a nation full of scared little sheep who immediately start running away from any form of trouble and seeking the help of their shepherd A.K.A Princess Sunny Days for protection and advice.
Also bad for her, since she now has ALLOT more responsibilities and work on her shoulders.
How is she still sane after a 1000 years of doing that?
But I can kind of understand why she made the change in the first place. Having her diplomatic skills secured a pretty long-lasting good relationship with all the other nations and races and wanting to prevent showing her little ponies the horrors and hardships of war...and the past of equestria in general. And, to be fair, there a lot of other problems that cropped up, she did deal with them directly, without mercy.
But still, this action has resulted in making Equestrians soft and vulnerable, turning warriors into carriage pullers and namby-pambies! The worst example of that being the sorry excuse of a royal guard, who act more as palace decoration than actually guarding something.
Hardships make ponies -or whatever species- strong, it teaches them how to survive, how to take care of themselves and also has the potential to forge companionships stronger than any “Magic of Friendship” can do. One of the reasons why I eventually followed Luna into her campaigns and eventually became her dedicated and loyal captain.
And most importantly Blood sisters in battle.
If only these ponies here would know the truth of the cruelty and hardships the rest of the world has to suffer through outside their little kingdom paradise. Then, they would understand that the world is vastly more black and white than they like to believe.
I wouldn’t be surprised to one day see Canterlot completely fall in the next invasion because the guards being unable to even pick up a spear properly, let alone swing it!
A 1000 years ago the night guard disbanded and eventually returned, and this is the Equestria we are returning TO? This is really just spitting in the faces of the Thestral Guard. We are warriors, not riot control.” I muttered angrily as I remembered the shock I felt when I bore witness to the sorry-ass pacifistic state Equestria has turned into.
Makes me even wonder why the night guard was even re-enlisted in the first place. We are trained and bred for combat, not sitting on our flanks and pretending to look pretty.
Oh yeah, because of mistress Luna, the silly mare. I am very glad that she has finally returned from her 1000 year exile and that the darkness inside her has finally been banished for good. But… it’s still such a shame that such a skilled and talented war-maiden is forced to return to a nation she will most likely no longer recognize.
Which also means I won’t be able to join her in any glorious campaigns and battles anytime soon. More’s the pity.
I sighed as I remembered the glory days of old, and the warrior bond the Princesses shared in the past. Also remembering our lady’s orders, as she had mentioned to us today; She wished to go and investigate the anomaly herself, simply because there was no other pony more knowledgeable with magic anomaly than her.
But instead, she chose me to do so, at her sister’s urging, for a similar reason.
“Huh… most ponies would think it’s weird that a simple Thestral knows more about magic than most unicorns. If only they knew.” I chuckled to myself.
“Well, might as well get this task over with.” I muttered a bit annoyed as I finally got up from my seat and made my way over to the door to leave my office.
The guard stationed in front of my door immediately saluted me as I went through, though i ignored him. I made my way across the long corridor that would lead out into the training grounds and barracks of the Night Guard.
Again, every Night Guard saluted as I casually strode by them.
I quickly reached the outside of the main training grounds as I saw a dozen of my guardsponies sharpening their skills and tricks in the ways of war and the traditional martials arts of our race and homeland.
“Good, at least they do spend their free time training with one another, I wouldn’t expect any less of my fellow warriors.” I thought proudly as I finally reached my destination on the other side of the grounds.
The local armory and workshop of the night guard. The two Thestrals stationed in front of it stood straight and saluted as well. I was about to knock on the door when a sudden explosion from inside stopped me from doing so.
Both me and the two guards raised our eyebrows at that before all three of us sighed, already used to this and the pony responsible for them.
“Ugh… it’s too early for this, I just hope that he hasn’t torn another hole through the wall or I am going to tear his flank hole wide open.” I muttered as I began knocking on the door.
I waited patiently for a few moments before the door finally unlocked and opened from the other side, revealing a lot of smoke (which forced me to cover my muzzle) and a small young Thestral stud behind it… coughing heavily and covered in soot.
“What in the God's name are YOU DOING?” I angrily asked out of reflex.
The young stallion in front of me immediately stopped his coughing as he tensed up in fear in front of me.
“Oh… um… h-hi ca-captain…Glade...I, um… it's…it’s not what it lo-looks like… I swear. I… I was ju-just working on… on new…” The dark gray coated and navy blue maned stud in front of me stuttered before I abruptly stopped him by shoving a hoof into his mouth.
“Mister Midnight Gear I am currently NOT interested in whatever invention or contraption you are tinkering around with at the moment.” I say before removing my hoof from his mouth. “I came here to ask IF my lance is ready and fixed up, and if the new enchanted crystals are inserted as well.” I continued while looking at Gear.
Gear immediately began to shuffle nervously in place after I said that while looking at the ground.
“Well…” He began nervously. “I only… ma-managed to… fi-finish up the… repairs so fa-far… but…not the… crystal parts.” He stuttered while smiling awkwardly at me.
I really wanted to get angry at him for probably just taking up most of the time tinkering around with all his other machines rather than doing what was asked of him, but I just couldn’t.
For one, despite his failures and inventions sometimes causing holes through the walls, he was still a genius and an irreplaceable asset to the guard, always providing for the equipment and coming up with really useful and inventive ideas that would give us the edge in a pinch. He is one of the reason why the newly re-formed Night Guard is vastly better equipped than the Day Guard (secretly, of course).
The other reason why I can’t be really mad at the guy is, well, Gear is the shyest most socially awkward pony I have ever seen, which means it’s very easy for someone to make him cry, though it’s also very easy to make him beyond pissed off and dodging earth-eating swords and magical laser cannon fire when somepony makes fun of his inventions.
“I made that mistake once. Who knew that such an awkward little wimp can become berserk so quickly.” I thought, remembering our first time meeting back at our home county.
I sighed. “Fine… I guess I can go out again without my trusty lance by my side. But it better be done when I come back.” I announced before turning around and trotting away
“Wa… wait captain.” I suddenly heard Gear call out which forced me to stop and look at him.
“What is it now, Gear?” I asked impatiently as the shy stallion approached me.
“Where… uh… exactly are you going captain?” He asked while looking off the side a bit.
“Cloudsdale, to investigate something under Lulu’s wishes.” I casually reply.
The little stud’s demeanor suddenly changed from shy to excited with a flick of a switch, which really took me by surprise, to say the least. I was about to question his sudden switch of motivation as he beat me to it.
“Oh, you mean you are going to investigate the magical incident that happened in Cloudsdale? If so then I’ve got the perfect device to test out.” He announced gleefully, in full unbroken sentences, which was rare for him.
“What device?” I questioned, skeptical.
“This one.” he announced, while holding out his empty hoof at me.
I simply raised an eyebrow at that as I stared at his empty hoof. “Gear… all I see is an empty hoof.” I pointed out with a flat look.
He simply looked surprised before chuckling nervously. “Oh… yeah. Uh... I-I will be… back, captain… give me a minute.” he stuttered before dashing off back into his shop.
I waited patiently for the little stallion to return with whatever invention or contraption he pulled out of his plot this time, while again thinking back to the report I read.
“Investigators theorized that the source of this anomaly might be from Nightmare Moon herself, remnant magic of her “Eternal Night curse” that might be the cause of this unnatural magical phenomenon.” I re-capped the text of the report in my head, which again made me simply shake my head at how naïve some ponies are nowadays.
“Huh… some investigators these are. That is NOT how the Elements work. When they cleanse something they freaking cleanse something, which means that whatever magic was at work is completely neutralized. Look at what happened to Discord's chaos when he was defeated by them.” I again mentally argued as I slowly turned my head over to the direction Cloudsdale is in. “No… it’s really not that at all. There is something more to it, I can already sense it from here.” I muttered before a set of hooves stepped up and broke me loose of my muddling.
“Th-this is… what I wa-was talking about… ca-captain.” Gear again stuttered as he came back holding something this time.
“…And what is it?” I asked curiously after noticing the small watch (or compass) shaped thing with a large blue crystal in the middle.
“It’s a physical magic tracking device that can pinpoint any form of magic in a designated vicinity.” He explained, again talking coherently. He usually does talk normally when explaining his inventions or science of whatever.
I raised a curious eyebrow at this. Sure this… compass-like thing of his could easily be useful for anyone who has no natural magic-tracking senses. IF IT WORKS. But again, this idea of his is somewhat useless to ME because magic tracking and sensing has basically become second nature for me for all these centuries.
“But still… if this thing actually works the way I imagine, it could be highly useful for anypony without that skill, especially for my men here, when it comes down hunting unicorn fugitives.” I mentally noted as I rubbed my chin in thought.
“Let me guess… you want to tag along with me so you can take your new toy out for a spin?” I ask with a flat stare.
“Well… yes, if… if you don’t mind… cap-captain?” He shyly asked while looking at his hooves.
I began to think on it for a while before giving off a sigh. “Fine… you can come along, as long as you follow two rules. Keep up. Shut up.” I answered before switching my gaze over to a pony to my left.
“Hey, sergeant Shadow Blade. You’re in charge while I am out and about. Keep the men busy while I am gone!” I shouted, to which the pony in question saluted.
“Don’t worry, ma’am. I will keep this place tight and working in your absence. Good luck on your investigation captain.” He replied before going back to his task in drilling the new recruits into shape.
“Alright, quickly pack whatever stuff you need Gear, because we are leaving in 5 minutes.” I ordered before turning around and trotting off.
“Wa-wait… we… we are not going to… ta-take a chariot to Cloudsdale?” He suddenly asked before I could even get far.
I stopped again to look behind my shoulder with a smirk. “Nope. we are going to fly the old fashioned way. You could actually use some exercise too, my little Gear. All that “locking yourself up in your shop” is neither good for your your wings or your stench. Plus I prefer flying on my own power anyway. Besides, chariots are way too noticeable, even at night.” I answered.
I smirked and chuckled to myself when I heard a pathetic little whine coming from him as I finally made my way back into the main building.
“Not really the task I was hoping for, but at least it’s something that will keep me busy for a while.” I thought to myself as I trotted down the same old corridor that leads to the captain’s office.
“Let’s see what pony I get the chance to bring back home this time. Hope the poor thing can at least put up some sort of resistance against me, otherwise it will be way too easy… and a waste of my time.
The hunt... is on.
……………………………………………………………………………………….
Night time…the perfect environment for creatures of the dark, creatures such as myself. Arriving at Cloudsdale at night was perfect, not only have you the freedom to fly all across the city without anypony screaming at the sight of a night hunter like me, but it also means I can keep low from all the Pegasus guards roaming and flying across, on and above the dimly lit streets.
My night sensitive eyes scanned the layout of the city as I stood above the roof of a tower.
I can still remember the days when Cloudsdale was more of a fortress than a city. The current look and layout not foreign to me, but still somewhat…. different too, especially since I spent most of my time since Luna’s banishment back in my home country far in the north from here.
“Quite impressive how things can change in a thousand years.” I thought to myself as I continued to scan the city.
I closed my eyes in calm and collected concentration as I let my ears and other senses do their thing. Listening to every noise, smelling every smell and sensing the invisible magic winds gust by my coat ever so gently, in hopes of getting a clue on where to look and where to start.
I continued to stand there, in my element, when all of a sudden a noise -a lot of noise- quickly broke me from my concentrated state.
“So-sorry… sorry. I-I accidentally dropped… the thing… and knocked ove-” Gear behind me started to apologize as more distracting noise came from behind.
“What was the second rule?” i said, irritated.
“So-sorry again.”
I began to grumble in annoyance. “Why did I agree to bring this this sorry excuse for a Thestral again?” I thought as I could hear even more ruckus from behind me.
“Why don’t you just make yourself useful and use that little device of yours, if you are going to make so much noise anyway?” I asked while looking back at him.
“Do…do I have to do it… now? Can’t we just… take a rest?” Gear behind me complained while rubbing his obviously looking sore wings.
I scoffed, but didn’t correct him again. “Well, it’s not MY problem that you are so heavily out of shape. Now, seriously, make yourself at least useful or I’ll throw you off the edge of the city.” I announced glaring at him.
Gear thankfully took the hint as he frantically started to get his magic detecting device working, only for him to start juggling it in between his hoof while trying to get a hold of it in panic.
I simply facehoofed and shook my head before he eventually managed to hold it up on one hoof while activating it with the other.
“Well, about damn time.” I muttered as the crystal on it suddenly began to glow.
It started to gently hover above its compass like case as it began to spin around.
“J-just give it some time… to… get sorted… out.” Gear nervously said with a sheepish smile as the crystal was still going crazy.
Eventually, though it finally started to slow, then stopped as it pointed its long sharp point at a random direction behind where I stood.
I followed the crystal’s direction only to find out that it was pointing at a large part of the city itself, probably on the other side from where we stood.
“There.” Gear announced while looking at his device. “The crystal… seems to be…pointing at the… cloud district of the city. That area is mostly… residential… as far as I’ve heard and seen on m-maps.” Gear announced as he looked off towards the other end of the city.
I smirked before turning my head back to gear. “Very nice there, Midnight Gear. I am impressed.” I credited. “Once again you delivered and didn’t just make something that explodes or tears holes through walls.” I added.
Gear began to smile at that as his eyes began to glow in the dark a bit. “Th-thanks cap-captain. I think”
I nodded before switching my gaze back at the target ahead. “Well, let’s go and follow your device, then.” I announced as I spread my wings. “And for the love of the gods, be more stealthy or I am going to lock you out of your shop for a month.” I added as I took to the air.
“Wha-What? No!” He replied as I heard him take off as well.
“So help me, I will. But only AFTER you finished up my lance. I feel naked without it.” And with that the two of us silently flew above the empty night skies of Cloudsdale and made sure to stay away from any street and air patrols as we passed them.
“For some odd reason I have this strange feeling that it won’t go as smoothly and quickly as i plan it out to be. I don’t know if i should feel good or indifferent about it.” I thought to myself as we continued our way towards the clouds district of the city.
“Yup, now I am actually starting to sense something as well… and it’s… it's… By the gods.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………
In a large house family house in the middle of the cloudy district, a set of three ponies were happily sleeping in their beds as the night passed by. One of them was an alicorn stallion who was happily snoring away in his bed, as his horn suddenly started to faintly glow, illuminating its room in its soft glow.
The alicorn in question began to turn in his bed as his horn continued to hum quietly through the night, adding its shine to the light of the full moon shining through the curtains.
“Gotcha.”
on a cliff hanger?! no fair!
.........Let me get this straight.
This new OC is a thestral, leading the reformed Night Guard, who was also leading the old Night Guard before Nightmare Moon's thousand year exile? Who somehow knows more about magic than most unicorns and is as good as Luna at detecting magic anomalies? Who thinks that Equestria has gone soft and it's an insult to the warriors of the past? And subsequently secretly equipped her soldiers with much better weaponry than what Equestria provides its Day Guard?
What? I'm sorry, but... what?
And this thestral lived the whole time in her home country NORTH of Equestria? Why is she even in Equestria anymore? And by the gods, what gods are we even talking about??Dude, sorry, but this is a mess of a character...
I agree with Snowfyre, No fair! but I think this chapter came out really well!
the female thestral is a whiner.
Makes sense, she's an old grandma thestral. Old ladies like her tend to complain about stuff. Yes that's sexist, doesn't make it any less true.
Old men complain about stuff too heh.
I formally dub her Grandma Thestral. I don't care how young she looks, she's a grandma at heart.
Then multiple gak commericals.
7504462
Wait... what? It was like that? Damn. I though she was a Thestral from their city in well... somewhere and their military is WAAAY above the ones of Canterlot or some shit. I mean, she may have been raised in a military family and hearing all the bad ass stories about the guards of the past when Luna was still around and they were actually something.... You know, grow up with big expectations or some bullshit.
Well, that only works if you ignore the parts were she said that Luna and she were battle sisters or something....
Anyway, if you have read 'A Pony Displaced'
pretty damn awesome story if I say so.. Then her existence seem more plausible. Even so, why the fuck are you questioning a pony from the days of old living in modern Equestria? Its magic bro, maybe a cockatrice stoned her?(There are some stories about this somewhere... too lazy to search for them though. But seven stories comes to mind.)Maybe she found a mysterious Lay Line and was sucked into some weird natural magic occurrence and woke up many years later? Maybe she was even banished with Luna because she was so loyal that she put a spell that binds her to Luna herself?(once more, there are some stories with this as their main story line)Maybe she became motherbucking immortal because of said spell whiles Luna was away...Why the fuck are we questioning this, seriously? It's like saying Pinkie Pie does not make sense. She is Pinkie final answer. Just like it's magic. Females can grow a five leg m
That part about the Night Guard being better armed than the Day guard... I think she mean that the one BEHIND the inventions was maintain in secret not the weapons... those things obviously can't be hide if they walk around with them(like her spear being added some crystals to give it special abilities. Don't you agree?) Not like it matters, there have been many talks and stories were the night guard are the best of the best. Well, many stories depicting them as that actually. The Guardian of the Night is a perfect example and others but once more I'm to lazy to search for them.
On an end note. It's not a mess. You just lack imagination/motivation/energy(maybe two at the same time or all together?) to fill the blanks.
P.S. Seriously, who read this anyway? I see too many words in a comment and just skip it. Go, shu, continue reading stories and let me be!
P.S.S. Hey author? The story's going ways beyond what I was expecting since I first saw it. Hate the god damn cliff hanger like many before and after me... yeah. That does not make sense, or it does? Fuck if I know. I'm with a headache. Anyway, can't wait for the next chapters! Love u!
...
No homo, I mean the story
7504462 She has good magic detecting abilities for reason i will reveal in later time. She is complaining because in this equestria Thestral are a warrior race, hunters, predator ponies. (and she was raised with the warrior code) Especially since her glory days where in the past, and because her actions and the action of her race are now forgotten to most. Which also annoys her.
There is also another good reason she is complaining, but i will reveal that also in a later chapter.
I will explain more of her past, and the history of THIS Equestria in later chapters, right now it was more of a introduction of her and Gear. If you want to know more about gear you can ask his owner for more info on why he is the way he is.
7504568
AHA! SO I WAS RIGHT! EAT THAT CTHULU!
7504548 Wow that is allot of energy and words to someones thoughts and criticism.
I appreciate you act of defending this but, at the same time its kind of unnecessary. Its obvious that some peoples will not be ok with the direction i am leading this fic into, heck there are allot of peoples who don't like the concept at all. Look at all the dislikes this fic has for just being what it is.
Its impossible to please everyone, and comments like the one WiseFireCracker posted can actually be helpful, they are actual criticisms and not just troll and hate male saying "it sucks, going to dislike and leave a nasty comment"
But anyway thanks for trying, and thank you for liking my fic.
7504590
Pfff. Defending, u don't need defencing. You are big enough to defend itself just like I did when I was five years old and fough for the Burger King playground castle. Many kids went in, only I stood in the seven floor of the castle whiles my enemies lied in many floors below crying for their parents because some kid pulled their hairs, spit on them, head butt them and bite them in the arse(yes... Those were the days...) Not like it was actually an insult. I was just giving him an idea of what maybe must had happened for that to happen. The comment though? It was mostly me unleashing all pent up fury inside my aching head on the first person that trigger me. He just so happen to be at the right place at the best of times n_n
P.S. Bro, there are people that believe the world's flat... That the storms are actually controlled by the government to hide space battles and more bullshit. I KNOW that there are many people out there. Many won't like this story just as much as many will love it. The point is, I LOVE writing comments! That make people read and read for the sake of curiosity... Yes, like you... I see u from the darkness. Diana says hi by the way! You don't know who Diana's?... Hue hue... Too bad...
P.S.S.S. What? U actually read this? Damn. That is some dedication... /)
7504626 Of course i read the comments, its the highlight for me whenever i release a new chapter to see if i did good.
And content creator, especially in youtube, will tell you that the comments are the most fun aspects of creating.
7504462
7504568
Basically, what I want to know is, how old is this character? She made references to stuff a thousand years ago as if she had first-hoof knowledge, but... is she a thousand+ years old? Or was she put in stasis somehow? I didn't see much evidence of that here. If Threstals live that long, that's kind of an amazing headcanon for the story, but it's very out of place since we don't see mentions of ponies living that long. Or is she a vampire of some kind?
7504660 Yes i have my reason and ideas, and yes i will lay them out in future chapters.
oh shit waddup, we about to get some mortal kombat action up in here
Not sure if your building this up to be a action adventure war story, or something more comedic with crazy interactions between a warmongering batpony and Nava. I really hope it's the latter and not the former.
7504914 Why did you wrote everything in HE? The character you are talking about is a SHE.
7505091
Ha...ha...ha...
Poor you, people are thinking a certain thestral is male instead of her actual gender.
They look adorable...but...eh...a bit skinny.
7505155 don't say that, or she is going to FUCK you up...the cock.
So...This is the mentality of the Thestral?
Always have a soft spot for marching and drum sounds in military theme music/soundtrack.
Also, you should Italicized and remove the " " of Inner thoughts of the characters. That makes it less confusing with the actual outloud conversasion.
7505179 I am planning in making the Thestral's the Spartans of this world.
But i guess this info counts as spoilers.
7505223 Not really that big of a spoiler, or even a spoiler, really. MLP:FiM has that Greek-Roman thing going on. And a more militaristic look on MLP usually result in Roman Legionary or Spartan.
This: Spartan pony.
pre13.deviantart.net/b650/th/pre/i/2014/011/d/8/spartan_shield_by_bakameganekko-d71rjix.png
And this: Legionary pony.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/11/5/143225/full.jpg
And this: Praetorians.
orig09.deviantart.net/493c/f/2013/149/2/4/mlp__la_guardia_real_by_stebanropero-d635d24.png
Why is that first image inexplicably sexy? A pretty woman in something similar would = instant-boner.
7505250 Because i LOVE the ancient times, Romans, Greeks, Egyptian, Persian.
7505271 Because Glades beauty is dangerous.
Yay! More interactive readers!
Although I'm sad that no one is asking about Middy
7505356 I'm talking about him all the time when we are both in Skype.
7505383
Yes, but I was hoping for some fresh meat.
I agree this is a confusing mess we have here, which I don't think that is it completely out of the realm of possibilities but I am a little confused about her character and what she was doing in the Night Guard, sense i would questioned her allergens.
For what I can understand she had fought side by side with Nightmare Moon, the being that was possessing Luna at the time and not the actual Luna, and actually went along with its insane plans for eternal night and when turncoat against her fellow Equestrian of the time and shed their blood. Unless she, along with maybe the entire Night Guard, was somehow under the influenced of the nightmare, either my mind control or their family where threaten, or they where somehow manipulated into thinking that they had been betrayed first, she did it all willingly, and I wouldn't be sure if she was more loyal to Luna or the Nightmare. I could imagine that at the time they had a blood-oath with Luna alone and be absolutely loyal to her, at a time that war was constant and they only saw the Nightmare as the same at the time. The problem that I see, being one of Nightmare Moon's lieutenants she should have been executed for her treason, unless she helped managed to negotiate amnesty and be acquitted for her war crimes and treason along with the rest of her forces. I might imagine that Celestia was forgiving enough to avoid anymore bloodshed, but I would have expected the Night guard to be disbanded for a long time and have the commanders imprisoned at the very least to make sure they don't create anymore trouble in the near future.
I am curious to know if what remained of the Thestral legions escape the Equestria punitive actions or they managed to negotiate a treaty of surrender. I wander if they home country secession from Equestria or a protected state, or fonder their own nation out side of the reach of Equestria of the time, it would explain why they still have their own standing army with their own heraldries and weapons. I wander if the Night Guard was recently reintegrated into the Equestrian forces or that they had always stayed stay there or they are a tribute force that they must contribute to Equestia as part of some agreement.
I wander what is the primary difference between the Thestrals nation and the rest of Equestrians what make them have a much toughener marshal tradition than their Equestrian counterparts? Are they regularly in conflict with other smaller nations and don't benefit of any military or political support from Equestria?
As for Nava, well... I am happy that he if finally got his cover blown and I am looking forward to see what will happen next for him, i don't think his capture will be very pleasant, seeing how over eager she is in doing this mission and that he is fond as being the source of the incident. I don't think Nava will take things so well.
Firstly, really enjoyed this chapter (in part cause I really like thestrals XD ). Got questions about Captain Glade, so I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes and what the deal with her is.
My only real complaint is that it looks like it could have done with one or two (more?) passes over for grammar and such. That said, do you welcome and/or want constructive criticism on grammar and whatnot? I just thought I'd ask before offering any, since some people can get defensive about it.
7505356
Probably because less has been revealed about him so there are fewer things to ask about or try and poke holes in as is the case with Captain Glade.
So, Glade is an immortal with an attitude of a young adult, who spent last thousand years in a place that stayed as unpleasant as Equestria was back then?
Ah
Ahh
Ah
Ahh
The fic is alive.
There's a wall of text
Above me
But this fic is alive.
Edit: Three comments above.
7505902
I guess that does make sense
7505891
Don't worry, Nava won't mind.
Just look at some previous comments to see what I mean.
7505696 Hmmm that is a good question, The way i wrote her was that she was fighting side by side with her BEFORE Luna turned into nightmare moon. Now would be an interesting detail of her past what she did WHEN Luna suddenly became evil. I already have a large chunk of her past figured out, except the nightmare moon part part. Need to do some thinking on that one.
7506623 Well I hope you are not too frustrated about me for pointing that out, but I see it as something interesting to explore about her character and sense she was in a position of power during a great historical events, being over thousand year old your could use her to explore the Thestrals lore at the same time, which would make things easier for me. What I would wander is how they have interpreted history; it would most certainly be divergent from the rest of Equestrians. Do they see themselves as having been triked by Nightmare Moon or do they think they where robbed form their moment of glory, which would say a lot of their history and character.
First, let me say I'm not trying to be insulting or demeaning or anything, I just want to help you improve your writing and help make some things clearer for readers.
The mistakes (or areas that could be improved upon) I found (skip if you don't care):
Use " " or ' ' or something to indicate when the captain is reading from the newspaper. Otherwise it could be misinterpreted as her thoughts or vice versa.
"garden" shouldn't be capitalized unless they're statues of a specific garden that has "garden" as part of its name, something like "Solar Garden" or whatever.
Comma grammar.
Believe it or not, "nowadays" is actually a word and (I believe), what you were looking for in this instance.
More comma grammar.
If this is a nickname (like it sounds), then it should be capitalized.
Several possibilities here. Either you misspelt "previous" (though you would want "previously" instead) or you misspelt "impervious" and the "a" needed to be "an". Or you actually meant pervious and the army was able to be passed by. XD
Should be "magic-imbued".
Think you might mean "a LOT", since "allot" is used for something else.
Both are thoughts, but one has quotes and the other doesn't. May want to pick one and stick with it.
Should be a space after the ellipsis and Equestria should be capitalized.
Um, not too sure here. I'd probably re-write it a bit, changing it to something like:
That is, if I understood things correctly.
Commas again. The thing I mentioned earlier about the captain's thoughts. Also, I think you may want to capitalize the "sisters" part of "Blood sisters". As it is, it implies that there's something special about the blood. Either that or make it all lowercase.
It looks like you're underlining these words for emphasis, but you've done other things in the past. Try to find something and stick with it so as not to confuse readers.
"A thousand" or "1000", since one would read "A 1000" as "A one-thousand". I would change it to "A thousand", since I find it rather odd to start a line of writing with numbers. Also, you only have an ending quotation mark here, so there's no indication of where she starts muttering.
Firstly, using "even" twice in the same sentence is kind of awkward and redundant. I'd pick one (the first one if it was me choosing) to get rid of. Second, "re-enlisted" implies that the night guard as a whole was brought back into service, but that it always had a place to return to. I think you might mean "re-instated", which would mean that that night guard (as a group, not the individuals that form it) had been gone but was brought back. I'm sure I worded that poorly, but I can't think of any other way to explain it. Maybe others can help.
As a side note, she may not be trained and bred to sit on her flank and pretend to look pretty, but if that picture at the top is any indication then it doesn't seem to have hindered her at all. XD
"the glory days" typically refer to days long past, so adding "of old" is a bit redundant. Just my opinion though.
Capitalizing pronouns that refer to a specific individual typically indicts that the person doing so reveres the individual, the way Christians use "He" or "Him" when talking about God instead of "he" or "him". If this is the intent here, then all of the captain's pronoun usage that refers to Luna should be capitalized instead of just the one instance here. Or it could just be a typo. XD
It should be "about magical anomalies".
Comma stuff again.
Typo.
Here "Night Guard" is capitalized, but before it wasn't. It's like switching from "federal bureau of investigation" to "Federal Bureau of Investigation". Formal organizations typically have their names capitalized.
I'd probably re-write this as:
It just seems to flow better to me. Again, just my opinion.
"me" should be "myself" here.
Ummm... You do know that a stud (when referring to an animal) refers to a male animal typically kept for breeding purposes, right?
Why is she cursing like a human? "God", as far as I know, refers to the Christian god, which an Equestrian wouldn't know anything about. I'd change it to something else, like:
I capitalized the "are" because all capitals like that typically indicates shouting, and it felt odd to only have the last two words shouted. I added the exclamation point for emphasis on the shouting and her anger.
Comma again.
The rest of the chapter has been written in past tense, using "say" like this is using it present tense. Can't really think of any good reason to switch tenses like that.
I would change this to just:
After all, a lance that isn't fixed isn't really ready, is it? At least, would a captain of a military unit think so? For them to say both is redundant.
This seems to indicate that the captain could be the one looking at the ground. For clarification and better flow, I'd switch it to:
Same thing I said about "night guard" versus "Night Guard earlier.
Comma again. Sorry, I know it's probably getting old.
Forgot the italics on this thought.
Forgot a period at the end. Also, though this isn't about grammar, a military commander (especially one as experienced as the captain seems to be) leaving on an assignment without their weapon just seems... well, incredibly stupid and out of character.
Seeing a militaristic captain refer to the one that gives them orders and that they hold in high regard using a childish nickname (or any nickname, heck, even just their name without any title) again seems a bit out of character.
Comma.
Comma, and I would maybe bold the second cleanse to add emphasis to it.
Looks like you've got some stuff italicized when it shouldn't be.
I would change "magic tracking" to "magic-tracking" to indicate that it tracks magic rather than just uses magic to track. I'd also remove the "physical", since it's already evident that it's a physical device and he explains later that it tracks any magic, so it's not a device that tracks only physical magic, which makes the "physical" unnecessary.
Typo.
Not sure, but I don't think "men" would be used here.
Is she pausing after "guess"? Otherwise, change the quoted part to "Let me guess, you want to tag".
This implies that he's wishing her good luck on an investigation captain. Add a comma after "investigation".
Kind of awkward to use numbers in this manner in stories. Personally, I almost always write or type out numbers when writing stories. The only exceptions are when numbers specifically are called for, like:
When used this way, a hyphen is put between "old" and "fashioned".
Typo.
One's thoughts are usually to oneself, so saying as much isn't really necessary.
Got an opening quote but not closing quote.
For some reason there doesn't seem to be a space between these two paragraphs in the actual writing.
Forgot punctuation on the second part.
Couple lowercase "i"s here.
Throughout the chapter you use “Thestrals” but for the other ponies it's only “pegasi” or “unicorns”. This (to me) suggests that they're either more special or important than the other ponies. It's like using “Elves” in a normal fantasy story but calling the other races “dwarves” and “gnomes”.
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Or...I don't know...Something like...eh... She took her Guards and disappeared when Luna turned into Nightmare Moon so she and her comrades didn't have to chose side.
7506792 This wouldn't do be any better, she would have been seen as a cowered by both sides and wouldn't trusted for any command duties form anyone afterward. At best she would had become a mercenary. She wouldn't command any respect afterwards, no mater how won. Seeing her general attitude, indecisiveness is something that isn't in her character either and would go thought with her mission all the way thought, seeing how hardboiled she is as well as demanding form her subordinate. If she had joined the Equestrian I don't think she would have had an easy time either as her fellow Testrals would have seen her a traitor for them most part and the Equestria would would have lingering thoughts about if she could be truster if she had turned on her comrades unless, she had tried to warn Celestia before the civil war had started and prevented it or that she knows how to play her cards right in her dealings with them and she doesn't strike me as a good spokes person either. Depending on the situation, I don't think had much choice but to follow Nightmare Moon after the deices where cast. De best That I could imagine is that she would have been in the head negotiated for the surrender of the remaining legions, immediately after Nightmare Moon was imprisoned, and reintegration them into the Equestrian fold and be sent in a far off outpost for the remainder of her carrier or became the newly appointed governor of her nation, but would have been watch very closely.
These are all the consequents that I could imagine he that she would have been faced with in her decisions.
7506693 Nope sorry, this is way to much information and i am to lazy. I am sorry for that.
But if you really like to help, you can maybe act as a proofreader. Different eyes and opinions are always good.
7506892 All wrong, i already figured out the past, and its different than what you suggested, but i will still take them in consideration, get some ideas and inspiration out of them.
7506962
Yeah, I'd be willing to proofread for you if you want. Just let me know how you want to do it.
7506970 Even better, I always like it when a writer lisense to his readers and take some interspersions from them, and make their own approach to them. Still, I wander what she think of Luna in general? were they fiends? Did she worship her like a goddess? Where they in student/teacher relation? Was she antagonistic to her despite swearing loyalty to her? Does she hold Luna in contempt for have been so weak to let the Nightmare?
She sound Like a controversial character which would make her an even more interesting then a an bland politically correct character.
7506995 Well the next chapter will be good, when i get to writing in finishing it.
7507016 She and Luna became friends, in times of war obviously, they fought side by side, which eventually earned Luna Glades respect and eventually loyalty, when she even saved her life once.
Yes she has created negative thoughts about her old battle companion when she let emotions take control of her. But just like Luna somewhat blames her sisters for it.
That's also why she somewhat speaks poorly about Celly in the chapter.
Thestral's are a warrior culture oriented race in this equestria. So they take great pride on there soldiers and there history.
But i will go to a much deeper detail on the past and the Thestral History in future chapters, while NOT diverting the focus to much from Nava and the two Pegasus sister. Because this is a fic about him and his life there.
In fact now that i think about it, i could write a whole new Fic about Glade in gerneral as well.
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Sure, just send me a PM whenever you want me to look a chapter over and I'll be happy to help out.
7507074 Ok, but it seem that i didn't do a great job in introducing Glade in this chapter...while in the same time doing a good job as well in making her look interesting and mysterious at the same time.
Im so confused.
7507101
I don't know, I think you did a fair job of introducing her. Most of the complaints from others here seem to be related to her past and her abilities, which I'm sure you'll get around to expanding on later. We've got an idea of what kind of pony she is and a little bit of an idea as to her background (though only enough to raise lots of questions about her), enough to get readers interested in finding out more about her.