Salve Regina

by Sir Random J Guy

The Mare Who No Longer Exists

As the sun shone overhead, ponies went about their day as per usual, doing their usual things. And Ember Solace was no exception to this, in fact she was doing what she always did on a Tuesday, buying a cupcake. She'd made a ritual out of it. Every Tuesday for many moons, she'd head out to town, taking a stroll through a few fields, sniffing flowers and other such things. Then she'd head to the local bakery, Sugarcube Corner, and ask the pink mare for a vanilla cupcake.

"I gotta say, Ember! You're really dedicated to your schedule! Same day, same time, every week, every month for as long as I can remember!"

"Why thanks, Pinkie!" she said, smiling at the mare with the cotton mane. "I've always been a punctual pony."

"You remind me of my friend Twilight! She hates being tardy, and she likes lists and organisation! You two should be friends!" beamed Pinkie, who then reached under the counter for a vanilla cupcake. "Vanilla as usual?"

"Yup!" Ember tossed a few bits on the counter, before taking the cupcake and beginning to leave. All the while smiling and waving goodbye to her old friend. "Bye!"

She took a bite of the cupcake, while she found herself trotting through a nice park. Wait. This wasn't right. What park? This wasn't part of Ember's route. Normally she'd eat her cupcake by the fountain, hmm... This is rather strange indeed. Well, I suppose a little change won't do the mare any harm. Ember found herself slightly at unease, with the foreign park being the source of her apprehension. This wasn't a normal park either, no. And last time she checked, it was a nicely kept park, with trimmed grass and neatly lined roses, not a park of overgrown and thorny bushes, the pathway lined with weeds.

No. Definitely not. This place wasn't right at all. The deeper into the park she went, the stranger it got. First the weeds were replaced by gnomes, were there any weeds to begin with? And there were now more trees in the area, the park now turning into a heavily forested place, and the trees seem to watch Ember, scorn etched on their faces. But suddenly, all the strangeness and oddities were gone. Wait, everything's gone.

Ember found herself at the edge of the forest, which she was hoping would lead back to Ponyville, but no. It lead to nothing. Towards the end of the forest, there were no trees, nor grass. Not even a sky. It was just white. All white. Ember found herself standing on the edge of the path, any further and she would fall in to nothing. Oblivion maybe? The void? She didn't know, and her instinctive fear of the unknown began to kick into overdrive. Especially since she wan't a mare who liked to stray from pattern very often.

But before she could turn around and leave this strange and somewhat foreboding place, she felt her stomach lurch as she flew forward, into the bright abyss.

---

When she woke, she couldn't see anything. Or maybe she was seeing everything, as there wasn't anything to see, just a consistent shade of alabaster. Getting to her hooves, she looked around, her visage unchanging, when she suddenly had the urge to run. And she did, she ran like a race horse, who knows for how long. Does the force that is time affect this place? Is time even a force? Or is it just a measurement of change? Ember found these questions rolling around in her head, which was strange. She wasn't the type of mare to think about that sort of thing.

After running, and running, Ember stopped and sat down to catch her breath. Am I dead? she wondered. Is this the afterlife? She knew sitting around asking herself questions she couldn't possibly know the answer to, was a waste of time. If you can waste it here, that is.

She got up and began moving again, this time at a reasonable canter, as her long distance sprint had tuckered her out. For a while not much changed, the only sound Ember could hear was her own breathing, it echoing through the vast emptiness. But, soon, a tiny spec in the distance came into view. At first she didn't even notice it, it was the size of a tiny spec of dust, if not a little bigger.

She began sprinting again, her breathing becoming ragged and sharp, while the spec slowly got bigger and bigger, till it was close enough that she could almost make something out. Hmmm... It seemed to be a brown-y color of sorts. She kept going, running harder than she had ever done in her entire life. It was so close now, she was getting so close.

Ember was going so fast now she barely could control herself, and then she felt herself take a misstep, it ending in her hooves flailing outwards and her chin hit the ground roughly, and she slid till she was right up and facing the thing that was once a spec. It was...A box? A very large cardboard box. On it's front two words were scribbled, "Schrodinger's Box". Hmm... Who's Schrodinger, and what's his box doing here? Ember wondered to herself. I suppose there's only one way to find out.

With that thought in mind, she stepped inside the giant cardboard box.

---

"Wait. What!?" Ember sat dumbfounded at what she saw before her.

In front of the mare sat a larger mare, much larger than any normal mare, a mare bearing both wings and horn. Her coat as white as the world outside her box, with a twinge of cream, a mane of a light red, light enough that it doesn't contrast with her coat strangely, it just blends. This mare sat staring at the smaller mare, a confused look on her face.

"Soooooo...Pony. You don't know how you got here?"

"Nope."

"And all you remember is running for a long time through nothingness?"

"Eeyup."

The larger mare's face creased in thought, and she rubbed her hoof on her chin. She really had no clue as to how the younger mare got here, to this place of emptiness. It was the first time any mortal pony had crossed over to this world. The older mare, even in all her years, had never seen this before.

"Well, I guess you're not dead. If you were, you wouldn't be here. You'd be crossing over to the underworld."

"So, this isn't the afterlife?"

"What? No. This place sucks. I wouldn't send my worst enemies here, never mind the recently departed."

"If this isn't the afterlife, then where am I?"

"This is someplace jammed between the world of the living and the dead. It doesn't have a name, but I called it Schrodinger's Box, because when you come here, you're neither dead nor alive, yet, you are both dead and alive. Unless I'm in a bad mood, then I call it Tartarus for the divine."

"Is it really that bad here?"

"Well, I live in a cardboard box and there's nothing to do. So, yeah. It's pretty bad."

Ember sat, looking at the ground, mulling things over. Very strange times, for sure. So this place doesn't exist? And how did I get here? Did I just disappear? Many questions ran through the mare's head, all of the same ilk as What in the name of Faust is going on? If only she knew how fitting a question that was.

---

"Soooooooo, you can't send me home?"

"I could make you a zombie pony. That sound good?"

"No! I would rather stay alive."

"Well, I'm pretty sure you're both dead and alive right now. So staying alive isn't really an option."

Ember sighed defeated, slumping down against the wall of the box, while the large mare stretched herself out across a large comfy looking couch, that she made appear from thin air.

"Hey, uhhhh, Godly Pony Thing?"

"That's Miss Godly Pony Thing to you! Uhhhhh, mortal pony. Y'know what, I'm going to call you Steve."

"Steve!? What kinda name is that? Plus that's not my name!"

"Well, it is now!" Miss Godly Pony Thing (That's a mouthful.) then clapped her hooves nonchalantly.

"Wha-" A sense of dread fell over Steve, as she realized Miss Godly Pony Thi- Actually, screw that, let's call her M.G.P.T. That's much better!

M.G.P.T groaned in annoyance at my disobedience, but she was wise enough a mare to know, that isn't a good idea to feud with the narrator.

"W-what did you do, Pony Thing!?"

"Oh, not much. Just rewrote a short period of history. The period where you existed. Don't worry! I only changed one thing."

"Y-you rewrote history!? What!?"

"Yeah! It's foalsplay. Hmmm...Do I need to make horse puns? Since I'm God, I should be able to do what I want, right?" No. Everypony has to make those puns. It's the rules! We'll all get lynched if we don't.

"But anyway, what were you going to ask me, Steve?"

Steve was too busy having an existential crisis to bother listening to what The Thing was saying, as poor Steve had to deal with the issue of knowing about, and living through a now obsolete reality.

The Thing lifted her head up off the couch, and looked over at Steve, who sat against the wall, completely zoned out, pupils dilated, looking scared and confused, and most of all, pissed. Steve suddenly jumped up and threw herself over the couch, landing on The Thing.

"Hey!" said The Thing, who was slightly winded, as Steve had landed quite roughly on her stomach.

"Y-you...Y-you...MEANIE PANTS!" Steve yelled angrily, the way most yell. "I...Why you gotta give me a crappy name like Steve!?" I'm sure Steve didn't mean to offend anyone by the name of Steve reading this! She's just angry! Please don't lynch me. Go lynch the dude who named his ponies after humans! Oh wait...

And with that, the Narrator was lynched in ten seconds flat, and he found himself twenty percent dead-er. R.I.P Timothy Hubert Eugene Narrator, the beginning of existence - five seconds ago. He will be missed.

"Woah, calm down, Steve! It's not that big of a deal! I just changed your name!" The Thing responded hastily.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Steve screamed at her, shoving her snout in The Thing's face.

"Okay, okay! I'll change it back!" The Thing clapped her hooves and all was good again for Ste- Ember. "Mother of me...Anger issues..." she muttered.

The mare, now known as Ember smiled happily. "Thank you! Wasn't so hard now, was it?"

"Don't you talk down to me, mortal..."

Ember cheerfully hopped off The Thing's stomach, and trotted back over to the wall again, smiling all the while.

"If I were you, I'd have been happy about the name change."

"Why's that then?" Ember asked sweetly.

"Cause the author accidentally named you after a dragon lord, and didn't realize because he used a name generator to make your name."

"Wait. Author?"

"Ohhh...Whoopsie! Wasn't supposed to tell you about that!" Inwardly, The Thing smiled evilly. She wasn't the type for jealousy, but she wasn't going to let Ember usurp her, no way!

So, Ember had another existential crisis. I won't go into detail, as it was just her running in circles, singing What Is Love, but replacing love with life.

---

So, somepony had a rather crappy forty-five minutes. In those forty-five minutes, The Thing, in a somewhat vain attempt to get Ember to shut up and stop running in circles, told her everything. Fourth wall, and all that stuff. Why? She thought telling her more things that could make you to have an existential crisis might give her a resistance to it all. Did it work? Well...Kinda? I mean, she's not running in circles anymore, but now she's staring at the wall.

"C-can I just go home now?" she asked solemnly

"I dunno if I can." said The Thing nonchalantly, as usual.

"Bu- *choked sob*, but you're The Godly Pony Thingy! Aren't you all powerful and stuff?"

"Yeah, but sometimes I can't do what needs to be done."

"Why?"

"Plot contrivance! The Narrator won't let me, or will make it fail because he doesn't want the fic to finish up too quickly, otherwise the Author will stab him. Personally, if I were him, I wouldn't worry, because every time there's a horizontal rule, the Narrator gets killed anyway."

Wait, WHA-

---

The Thing sighed sadly, "Yeah. Probably should've expected that. "

"HE'S DEAD!?"

"Yup. That's a shame, I like most of the Narrators."

"HOW ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT IT!? THAT GUY JUST DIED!"

"Do you know how many Narrators have died so far?" She held up her hoof. "Yeah, waaaaay more than that. I can't count. No fingers. But still, lots died, with all those horizontal rules, plus that one that got lynched."

"I-I see what you mean now. This place does suck." Yup. It does.

"Hey! What are you doing here, Double N?" asked The Thing, wondering the same thing I was.

I'm bored. Plus, today's been a crappy day, I haven't had this many Narrators kick the meta bucket in a long time, especially not in the one day.

"Who's that, Godly Pony Thingy?"

"That's Double N, he's The Narrator's personal Narrator. Not oft he shows his face, err...Text. He comes round when stuff gets meta. Or he's bored. He's to The Narrator, what the Larsicorn is to me. Except The Narrator still has stuff to do, I don't. Anything that does come up, Larsicorn does it."

"Oh. Okay then." I don't think she gets it, but oh well! No point dwelling on it! Hey, Double N! Wanna grab a milkshake?
Sure.
And with that, the Narrator and Double N set off to the Meta Milk Store. They had a dandy old time.

"Oh no! It's Triple N! This is getting a little too meta for me."said The Thingy, agitation ringing in her voice. She was sick of The Narrators and their meta bullcrap. She just wanted them all to go, so she could go back to procrastinating for an eternity.

"Oh. Well, thanks, Triple N! Saves me the trouble of conveying the same point through exposition-al dialogue!"Not a problem, Mrs. F! Glad to help!

---

"What the-"

"Why was there a horizontal rule, Thingy?"

"I-I don't know..."

Aww, Tartarus naw! Author just found out that The Narrator and Double N went out for milkshakes! Shizz! I'm out!

"Awww. He was my favourite Narrator..." said The Thingy solemnly.

Ember put a hoof on back, trying to cheer her up. "Well, at least he's still alive. Better than all those others. He should be alright, shouldn't he? Being so far up the Meta Ladder?"

"Yeah, I suppose..." she let out a sigh of defeat. "Guess it's time I send you home. The Author's probably happy enough with this story's length." I can ask him if you like!

"Wait. Really? You can do that? How did I not know!?" Yup! I can! Hold on!

With that, the Narrator got up from his desk, and made his way towards a large wooden door. Opening the door revealed a dark room with a bright spotlight illuminating only the centre of the room, which had a tall podium. On this podium stood an old antique black rotary phone, with a line that went nowhere. The Narrator walked up to it, and dialled an inside line.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Boss. I was wondering can we let Ember go home now?" There was a brief pause on the other end of the line.

"Mmmm. Okay. Fine. Tell The Fausticorn to send her home then."

"Thanks, Boss. Just one other thing."

"Yes?"

"Well, I was wondering...Why don't you narrate the fic yourself?"

"Huh?" Confusion echoed in his voice.

"Well, I was thinking. What's the point of all these layers of Narrators, and stuff? I mean, it's kinda just counter-productive as it takes longer for things to get approved, and well...There's the fact that...We're all an extension of you..." The line went quiet again.

"I mean, you control everything, right? So what's the point of us? And this conversation? As you are just talking to yourself?"

The line stayed quiet. The Narrator didn't need him to reply, he already knew what the Author thought. Because the Author knew this himself, as he wrote that very dialogue. And that very sentence. And this sentence. The Narrator, or rather The Author put down the phone, or I suppose to be the most correct, I put down the phone. And I left the round room, the room of which had a phone, a phone that had no line. And I never looked back. With that, I decided to end it all with one last horizontal line.

---

So, uh. Yeah, the Author, uhhh, I, said yes. You can home now, Ember.

"Oh, thanks Narrator!" Ember said cheerfully. She was happy, as it was time to end this eventful day, and go home, but also a teeny bit sad, because she'd grown to like The Thing, but, then she remember the whole Steve thing. Never mind.

"So, that's it? He just said yes? Doesn't sound like the 'Contrary Mary' Author that I know." The Thingy was surprised by the Author's change of heart, from the tyrant of his own mind, to some bloke who writes meta fanfiction, and stuff. But yes, Thingy. It's over. The old Author is gone.

"Huh, neat. You had some ultra-meta character development then, huh? Good for you. Right! Time for you to go home, Ember! You can try return to living a normal life if you like, cause you won't be able to see The Narr-The Author I mean, but you won't be able to see him after this. So you can live a non-meta life now!"

"Sounds good to me, but this was a little fun I guess, I mean, sure I had a few breakdowns and learned that the only reason we exist is to entertain a race of creatures who control everything we do, but still. I guess a little change is good, now and then."

"You ready then?"

"Yup!" And with that, the almighty Fausticorn blasted Ember in the face, with her divine magic, and she exploded.

"Oh. Whoops." Yeah, that's not so good...

---

In the middle of Ponyville, near the entrance to the park that started it all, there was a magical crash and a bang, and then a grey unicorn mare with a turquoise mane, suddenly appeared in the air, within a few seconds she fell into a fountain, causing the porcelain to crack somewhat, and making a not so good sound. Ponies turned in confusion to see the mare getting out of the fountain, magic surging around her horn, and before she knew it, the fountain was fixed in a blast of magic.

Ember began trotting around confusedly, before stumbling into a familiar mare.

"Heya, Ember! Strange to see you here!" Pinkie said, with her usual cheery demeanour.

"Pinkie..." Suddenly Ember jumped ontop of her and began hugging her. "Pinkie! It's so good to see a familiar face!"

"It's good to see you too, Ms. Excitable! And that's saying something!"

Ember got up off Pinkie, and before she could offer her a hoof up, she bounced up happily.

"It feels like I haven't been here in a few millennia..."

"Whatcha talking about, Silly? I seen you yesterday! You bought your usual Tuesday cupcake off me!" Pinkie beamed cheerfully, as always.

"I dunno, I got lost in a park, and fell into this strange world, and there was a box...And Narrators...I dunno."

"Oh! Did you see a large white mare, with a wine-y red mane?"

"Uhh, yeah actually, I did. How'd you know?"

"That's Faustie! I know her! I think she has a crush on Triple N too!"

"WHA- Really!?"

"Yup!"

"How can you...Fall in love with being that doesn't physically exist...? Plus he's kinda a manifestation of the Author's decreasing sanity, sooo..."

"Yeeeah, it is a little weird, but hey! This whole fic is!"

"You can say that again, sista."

"Yeeeah, it is a little weird, but hey! This whole fic is!"

Ember chuckled at Pinkie's silliness. "So, Pinkie. Wanna get a milkshake?"

"Sure!"

Why does everyone like milkshakes so much?

Author's Note:

My second story evah! Let's hope I'm getting even just the teensy-ist better at this stuff. I didn't intend for this to get as meta as it did, but yeah, it happened! Originally, I was going to make this supah serious, and stuff, but then the Steve thing happened, and it went down from there...

Also. I just remember about episode 5 of season 6 half way through writing this... (You probably noticed when I realized this) People are going to call me a thief. And I'm going to end up like The Narrator...

Comments

[StormyVenture]

Don't know about that adventure tag. -- Also, story seems artificially inflated. Is there a point?

[Sir Random J Guy]

7186087 Well, I'll admit, not really! I just thought to myself "I'mma write a story!" and this thingy happened. And I put the adventure tag on because, well it's sure as heck not a slice of life story!