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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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yea for update and I cant wait to see what happen next
Great update my friend. I’ve been waiting for a while for this. Keep up the great work and I can’t wait for more.
Can't wait for the next chapter
I have a couple suggestions.
1: Don't put a chapter out there until its edited. Some of the paragraphs are incomprehensible, and it's just putting the wrong foot forward. Seeing "(Edited???)" doesn't fill me with confidence either.
2: A lot of details are needlessly repeated. The reader remembers more than you expect, and only the gentlest reminder is necessary for most things. Spelling the same thing out every time gets old: A character doesn't have to say the thing with every different character. A simple "they said the thing they said before" will suffice.
3: Getting out of general writing foibles, the way some characters talk is unnatural and out of place with the context. Twilight's frequent lore dumps could be worked in better with more back and forth between characters.
I might have more to say after I read more, but really I don't mean to be discouraging because you have a fine idea and decent execution, but some things could be done much better.
8479216
What this person said. The story as a whole is not bad, you just have a lot of glaring punctution and repation errors. You need to get a really good editor and one or two pre-readers.
The story has a lot of good ideas and the plot (pardon the pun) is engaging, but the way you're presenting the material, is nearly incomprehensable.
Keep writing but please, get som help.
8490006
Easier said than done I have asked and even posted this story in help groups have an editor but Have yet to hear from them in over 4 months as for proofreaders. I have one but they haven't looked at the story since chapter 3 came out. Also been without editor since chapter 3 in fact. I am working on it though.
When is the next chapter coming out?
8806738
I'm hopefully going to have it done over the next few weeks also hoping to get a editor to assist with errors in grammar.
8806751
You can try Speedy Silverstreak. He might edit it for you. He’s a friend of mine
I hope you finish the story soon I really would like to know how it ends.
8901891
I have hit a bit of Writer's block The Wedding chapter for Shining and Cadence is in the next chapter also since Celestia is or has joined Twilight and Luna's herd one of the mares in the herd will end up with something extra the night after the wedding who it will be is not decided as of yet still working on the action scenes combat scenes are a little difficult when you add vamp powers skills and other things Twilight and other's of her tribe can do or that of Rogue Vampony can pull off I'm also planning to introduce a rogue vampony to the battle who is on Ol Cheese for legs side.
How long till next update
8968415
I'm working on the chapter reorganizing the layout or format so that I can get the chapter out there. As for ETA of the chapter it could take up to possibly a week Depends when I am able to sit down and work on it.
9248409
yeap but it no longer here it been taken down and being rewritten or something
9248412
Oh I'm still here working on it.
9248441
was toalk about different story that no longer here that had a filly twilight vampire being save by princess luna, who mark her as her future mate, get her into sparkle family as they new daughter, when twilight is adult she join the luna guard only to end up as luna student and luna forgot all about the mark and what happen. also twilight cast spell to turn her brother into female who the sun princess get hot for.
9248465
Twilight of the night guard. I know after looking at your response I was a proofreader for said story Neokiva is the author of the story I'm waiting for the rewrite cor said story.
9248490
ahhh that is good, I enjoy it, and your story, cant wait for more
9248503
I'm stuck on the conflict encounter with chegroup's ese for legs as well as the too groups involved in the security of the wedding.
9248532
I do maybe small run in with the paldan group, so other girl will bit more of state in it ie have them kidnap fluttershy or something like that, slow get ready for wedding ie let the noble and family knew, maybe have nobles bring up some old law that state the princess are not allow to marry or something. have the wedding either include changelings like in the cannon one, or have paldan group crash it try to save the celestia think she under mindcontrol and try to kill twilight and luna think both of them are try to take over, maybe they think Luna is the Queen of the vampire and kill her will kill them all off something dumb like that. safe day but the paldan escape and lick the wounds to fight back another day.
9248541
Maybe I'll consider that. Considering the fact that Shiny isn't being mind controlled Cadence wasn't replaced by Chrissy. The shield is still will be there like in Canon. The changelings will have to attack through other means to bring down the shield hence the Paladins conflict with the night guard and children of the night order established by Celestia after she found out what caused the nightmare to come too be.
9248599
sound good have to set up stuff though ie put in story about the order of the night, unless that what twilight and the vampires are called.
9248669
The vamponies are apart of the order of the night as well as all nocturnal sentient creature like the direwolves Baywolves werewolf Exedra.
9248681
ahh ok, don't think u ever explain that, in the story unless I forgot which mean I got to reread
9248697
I did mention the children of the night in one of the chapters I did do one chapter to introduce the order of the light that worship Celestia the order of the night worship Luna not Nightmare Moon. Hence Twilights bowing and formal greeting when she talked to Luna and confessed her feelings.
im loving this so far and cant wait to read more, keep up the good work! <3
9253756
Thanks Might be some time before the much anticipated Wedding Chapter for Shining and Cadence Due to the fact that Not all Players so to speak have been Introduced. The Order of Light aka Paladins have had a chapter that introduced them. I might put chapter 8.2 to introduce the Order of the Night aka Children of the Night or shadow as some refer themselves as. The Order of the Night has all the Nocturnal Loving sentient species Like the Vamponies Direwolves Werewolves THestrals aka. Bat Pony ect ect. Or I might just put a part in the beginning of the wedding chapter that gives a short intro for this group keep in mind because a threat was made on canterlot and SHining has his shield up both guard groups solar and Night guard are incharge of security I'm going to say about 15% of the Solar guard are a part of the Order of Light in some form or another or have infiltrated the Solar guard to be close to Celestia can't give to much spoilers but I'm working on the conflict that i going to be happening between the Two Orders as well as the Changelings that will be attacking the wedding hell the changelings might start something to between the two orders as a distraction pit them against each other The Solar guard has no love for the Night Guard and vise versa but there both incharge of the security of the wedding.
When is the next chapter coming out my friend?
9431355
Can't give an eta for the chapter might have to do a multi chapter to give all groups involved a chance to be introduced properly like the night group the group dedicated to wiping out the night or nocturnal group that Celestia helped build for Luna.
9431388
when is the next chapter? its been 1 1/2 years
9501669
Well I just finished a mini chapter 8.5 expect it soon going to be introducing the other faction the one Twilight's Family is apart of and the one that Celestia started for Her sister that was mentioned in one of the chapters Be posting the new chapter soon.