Her Majesty Commands we convert these savages
And so it was by Her Majesty's command, that we came to this new world. Our goal was a simple one, to bring civilization and virtue to these unwashed creatures, to show them our superior ways, and those that would not comply would be put down. They were bizarre and disturbing to look upon, even more so than the inferior breeds of our kind that inhabit the lands beyond our kingdom's native borders.
A brief glance at their history reveals how close they came to destroying themselves, it is our obligation to see that these savages are given the guidance they clearly need. In fact, it is my opinion that some of our people must have visited them in the past and saved them from themselves before, only to be lost to history.
One only has to look at the bizarre, right-yet-wrong similarities between their construction style and ordinary items and ours to realize they are clearly are building atop the remains of a lost domain of our forefathers, so we are thrice obligated to both grant them our protection and rulership. And to purify them of the flaws and degenerations they have clearly suffered in our absence.
As civilized people, I implore that we should spare as many as possible, and kill the savage within them, while uplifting them to being truly civilized creatures.
The natives were at first surprised at our arrival, some regarded us with suspicion, but the vast majority welcomed us with open arms. We have done and instructed to do our best to avoid fraternizing with the savages. They were in awe of us. Did their best to impress us with some of their parlor tricks of strange contraptions. We were not enthralled by such childish cantrips.
We provided some trade with the natives, learning of their defenses and strengths, and saw they were ripe for being granted the blessing of being Her Majesty's subjects.
We expanded our beachhead, spreading further and further from our entry point as all our citizens by now know. Transforming the savage's land into something civilized.
We ignored the savages immature claims that we were impeding on the 'sovereignty' of their lands, but we were not deterred. Then, my simple sister (who should have never ventured out among the savages to begin with), naively, publicly announced our intention to bring salvation to the savages, to save them from themselves, and of our natural superiority.
And the leaders of the savages did demand that we cease our expansion, and retract what my sister had foolishly spoken, and withdraw our force-of-arms, and we would still welcome as friends. By Her Majesty, we would not be dictated to by barbaric primitives.
We took some of the primitives' young, and assured they would be properly enlightened and cleansed of their barbaric nature.
The primitives tried ransoms and pleading to retrieve them first. We did not heed. They warned us that we would pay dearly if we did not return the young. We took their warnings with a grain of salt. We would convert these young savages into civilized creatures.
As an officer and former member of Her Majesty's Royal Guard, tis my sad duty to impart the shameful disaster that descended upon us.
Twas chaos, madness. Even now I am still not certain what had occurred, only that it was as if death itself had descended upon us.
A shameful, traitorous part of me now wonders, was our inglorious defeat inevitable from the start? Had we never any hope of winning? Wrought upon us was death and destruction too terrible for any sane creature to wield!
We were prepared to smite these ungrateful creatures, twas for their own good to cure them of the insanity they clung to.
We prepared to march against them, but before we were in sight of the enemy, the ground underneath us exploded as if the land was erupting! For a mad moment I dared think it was so, until it became clear this was no random tantrum of the world, but the explosions happened among our troops, I knew we were under attack.
But the worse was yet to come... I can barely described it, metal birds swooped out of the sky, tearing us to shreds, I can still hear their vile screeching.
And our ships... they exploded... as if cannons fired from the depths of the sea were struck upon them. As if a ship from submerged under the blue marine was attacking us. I ordered barrels of gun powder lit with waterproof fuses thrown overboard to drive out our unseen enemy. And yes, I saw their corpses rise.
Then it was as if nature itself had turned against us!
The tides had gone mad! Twisting and turning! Bashing our ships. We were forced to retreat, but Her Majesty's army was not defeated. Oh no. We swore to the savages that we would return and burn their lands to ash and not one stone lay on top of another of their cities, and they would be made civilized by hook or by crook.
We returned, we brought the entire might of Her Majesty's kingdom upon them! With our best cannons we struck at their cities... But it was for caught, as some barrier blocked our cannonballs.
We were given one final warning to retreat back from wince we came or face annihilation. That this was the last and final warning or we would not live to see another day. We did not head it.
Then... oh merciful heavens... the fire... the FIRE! It was blinding! A bright flash, and then... the water in the ocean itself exploded into steam, rising up and up, annihilating more ships than Her Majesty has ever lost in the history of our entire kingdom! A great mushroom shaped cloud rose up from where our navy had been... nothing remained!
Our dreams offered no salvation, as I, and my men, all reported of a terrible demon with a booming voice haunting our sleep, leaving us as broke and tired as before we had rested! Demanding we not return or face our doom!
Oh Her Majesty, how could such a humiliation come to the Glorious British Empire? How have we displeased God to bring such wrath upon us? To have so many our of countrymen, slain, to have our glorious invincible navy driven back by mere ponies.
--
While King Leo's Aquastrian Guard were willing to risk themselves again to bomb the enemy's ships from below, it would not be without casualties to his people.
The Diamond Dogs meanwhile had completed their operation without a single loss, at least... to their own kind. When it was explained to them that the invaders would strip them of their precious jewels and other treasures, they entered an alliance with us ponies of Equestria for the sake of beating back the invaders. Say what you will about Diamond Dogs, but one Diamond Dog can dig tunnels faster than an entire mining crew of earth ponies. And they'd evolved the talent for hearing what was above them, and planted the bombs accordingly.
The armored pegasi and griffin divisions attacked from above as the Diamond Dogs attacked from below using clouds as cover. We were prepared to send storm clouds and tornados at them if they had not then retreated. Princess Celestia hoped that would be the end of it, and they'd be willing to now negotiate a peace. Instead they came back in far greater numbers, thankfully our strongest shield producing unicorn was able to protect the entire city from their onslaught.
At the unanimous vote of the Equestrian Parliament, and the encouragement of her own sister, and after many warnings fell on deaf ears, Princess Celestia reluctantly brought the fury of the sun upon them with remorse and pain on her face.
This is noted as the first and last time in Equestrian History that Princess Celestia used the dreaded 'solar flare' spell. Also known with dark humor as 'Celly's Mushroom Maker.'
What survivors remained were offered more mercy than they'd intended to show the ponies.
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Heh, reminds me of Gate-Thus the JSDF Fought There.
7086783
Did it have you fooled?
7086787 I was guessing until the end who was invading who, but the curb-stomp battle was similar to the ones in Gate.
Seriously, I want to think you can do funny (so far Season 8 has proven me dead wrong) but if this is your idea of a joke then I assure you it's not even remotely funny.
7087179
That's your opinion, and you're welcome to it. I didn't put a comedy tag on this.
I've had this story in my head for days. And I realized what day it was. And realized the bait and switch was too perfect.
"Covert" should be "Convert".
7087795
Edited. What did you think of the story?
You actually managed to get a surprised chuckle out of me, there.
7088330
Happy to know it worked. Thank you.
You got me
7088796
:-) Thanks for the comment!
7088099
It is funny.
¿When in human and equine history is it set? On 2nd thought, telling us when, might be a mistake like explaining how the Force works (no real explanation is possible, so explaining is a bad idea).
Wham, sucker punched! Sure made a fool outta me!
7089169
Happy April Fools! :-)
I've got to admit it being april fools day (and how I read the title), I read it as it was human talking of bringing civilization as that is how they really did build the British Empire. But it did make me wonder if it was meant to be like that and then turn out the other way as the joke but, alas, it was what it was. Very enjoyable read and well done.
7089436
Happy at least you enjoyed it. :-)
7089445
Oh you noticed me I try not to be noticed too much, I need to stop commenting on things. I normally resist but it just felt like a comment was needed.
7089472
I like comments.
7089478
But commenting makes people know my presence and then invites the silent (and not so silent) judging.
7089594
Trust me I know how that is.
7089606
I'm sure you do but you are far more courageous than a poor fool such as myself. You've gone to the trouble to put out lots of words for others to read and I'm so envious.
7089800
I'm a wreck on the inside. Have courage.
Not gonna lie, I kind of guessed the twist from the beginning, but I still really enjoyed the ending. Quite clever with the Diamond Dogs! I actually had a conversation with another author a year or so ago who was writing a big continental-wide war story that involved ponies fighting Diamond Dogs, and once the dogs get their hands on bombs, they are an incredibly formidable foe. (In D&D terms, they have burrow, if not out-and-out earth glide, and that is OP as heck!)
I imagine stuffy British soldiers were forced to spend the rest of their days grooming ponies...
7096129
BWAAHAHAH!
Sad to hear you guessed the twist from the start, but happy you enjoyed it.
Thanks. I realized it's perhaps the one true advantage that Diamond Dogs HAVE!
Thanks for the comments!
7096261
Someday someone will write an epic length saga about a long-running war between Diamond Dogs and Pegasi. Neither able to touch the other, no true advantage.... truly a hopeless and bitter war.
Then they team up to fight off dragons or something!
This was excellent. The narrative was really captivating and felt very personal, even if I did not know for certain who it was. I was expecting a twist ending (I've seen enough that I recognize the buildup), but it could have been several very different setups and each would have surprised me anyway. Humans invading ponies? Ponies invading humans? Ponies vs zebras, or griffons, or Diamond Dogs? Unicorns vs Earth Ponies and their allies? Something completely different?
Also, "The White Man's Burden" is a terrible thing. Beware the man who thinks he's helping you against your will.
7097698
Happy to know it entertained ya!
So....the reverse of one brand of stupid is supposed to be better?
Yuck. Two wrongs don't make a right.
"Silly little humans" is no different than "stupid ponies".
7680969
That's supposed to be the 'April Fools'. That people are so used to 'stupid ponies' that imperialist Britain invading Equestria would take everyone off guard.
7809204 ...Can't a stupid idea just die? Both are horrible. (Really, I just see Chatty's "Humans don't have souls and need ponies to 'save' them from NOT BEING PONIES, but with the roles reversed.
7809797
It's just Colonial Britain invading modern Equestria.
7809800 I know. -_- It's just so ham-fisted and kinda obvious what the "twist" is. Stereotypical "clueless fantasy world stomped by human technology" lines are actually "silly little humans took on a magic realm and were lucky to not be wiped from existence"...Ick. Again, two wrongs don't make a right.
7809812 I'm not going to cry for a military looking to commit cultural and noncultural genocide
8020450
8024533 that was the point of 'White Man's Burden'. Hey let's go somewhere new, shoot the locals, steal everything of theirs we deem valuable, and make them work as virtual slaves with threats of death and mutilation on the wives and children. The Incas were forced to work in silver and mercury mines in bad enough conditions that it was thought better to injure their own children to keep them out of the mines. Imperialists are like Nazis, the world gets a little better when they die
8027071 Ya done with the soapboxing?
8028010 Would you let Hitler live. The actions of Imperialism were as bad as the SS, went on for longer, and didn't get tried because no one who would have tried their crimes ever knew because of the distance. That's not a soapbox, fuck you, if you don't care about genocide then fuck you
8028154 Control your temper.
Those kinds of outbursts are quite childish.
http://knowledgeisking.ning.com/group/theperceptionsandrealitiesofraceandracism/forum/topics/imperialism-and-colonialism-of-africa
http://www.constantinereport.com/drawing-a-line-from-africa-to-auschwitz/
http://libyasos.blogspot.com/2011/09/whole-imperialist-soldiery-against-one.html
This link to what you are defending. What is in the pictures DAMN FUCKING WELL deserves anger. In summary, several men who are soon to be slaves or are slaves with a chain around their neck, Europeans used treaties that Africans didn't understand to scam African Chiefs out of their kingdoms, the third link makes a tenuous and likely small link between Colonialism and the Third Reich. While the connection between the Third Reich is dismissed, their is mention of a massacre of 75,000 men and women or half the targeted populations and is argued to be the first genocide by some historians
8028340 I don't know why I am arguing with you. You have already shown a comfort and defense of what any right thinking person would find undefendable.
8029020 So because I don't like a fanfiction, I'm defending a real world genocide.
...Because that makes sense. Flawless logic; you're showing your reasoning here. Bravo.
You should get a Pulitzer Prize.
8033227 a fanfic that features as an antagonist on military force that committed genocide and as part of the plot was planning to commit genocide. Did you not read where it said 'kill any who would not convert' or something?
8033456 April's Fools.
Still, plot twist that I enjoyed.