You received a letter from the princess telling you she would be arriving today now that the rush that always happens during the first few days is over. Today you've decided to just go over a few things, to make sure he understands who Celestia is before they meet. Only thing is, you can't find him.
"Well, I just checked the west field. Nothing," AJ calls out.
"Nothing in the east. I guess he must have stopped into town or something."
"He does this once in a while. Wanders who knows where for a short while but he always comes back."
The two of you are heading down the track when your ears perk up at the sound of a strange sound. It's like singing but in some bizarre language. You're sure that it's Anon because you can recognise him from a few of those words. AJ's off faster than you are but you trail as close behind as fast as you can. The athletic difference is clearly showing, maybe you should jog while you read books or something.
"Anon. Applebloom. Where have you two been?"
"Thank Applejack! And thank Twilight," Anon cheers as he lets Applebloom down from his shoulder's.
"We were just up at Anon's camp for a little while."
"His camp?"
"Yeah, that's where I met Anon a long time ago up... It's up in the Everfree Forest."
"Applebloom, you know it's dangerous to go in there,"
"Anon knows a lot about the Everfree, enough to be safe. He even hunted for his own food."
Then Anon places a flower he got in the Everfree on Applejack's ear before petting her on the head.
"Example," he calmly says with a warm smile.
"Thank Anon," she replies.
Before anyone gets in another word, Anon begins to jog towards town.
"Hang on Anon, wait," you call out as you chase after him.
His long legs give him the advantage at first. You actually have to pick up your own pace to catch him as he gets to the end of the path.
"Twilight?"
"Yeah. I wanted to give you a quick lesson before Celestia gets here."
"Lesson? Anon is sell cider."
"It'll be a real quick one."
"Sell cider and lesson?"
"Do you mean do both? Uh, sure."
You follow Anon over to the stall where he sets up one of the cider kegs. Once the preparations are done so he's ready for when the sales start, you begin the lesson.
"Alright. So Princess Celestia is one of two rulers, the other being Princess Luna and they're also sisters. Understand so far?"
Already Anon is confused and it's as clear as day too. He rubs his chin then looks at you as he still tries to decipher your words.
"Celestia like metres?"
"No-no-no. Not a ruler, sorry. She's a... A princess, our monarch."
You figure it's best to keep each word to one meaning for now. Having to explain the different meanings and how they apply within context would probably take too long.
"Monm-arck?
"Close enough. A monarch can be a princess or prince, king or queen but they are in charge of Equestria. They make the rules and keep everyone in every town friends."
"Mayor Mare monarch?"
You let out a sigh as you're reminded how you're still having trouble explaining that Equestria is the country, not the town. You figured explaining politics to him would be difficult, but he needs to know this stuff but their arrival. However, just as you're about to go into things, the first customer of the day arrives. A large white mare with a flowing mane smiles warmly at you as she holds up a pouch with her magic.
"You must be Anonymous. A pleasure to meet you. How much for one cider?"
Her voice is soft and motherly as you recognise the smile. Anon stands there deadpan but snaps to before immediately bowing as low as he can. You were about to bow to the princess yourself but the sheer speed of Anon dropping to the floor, took you back.
"I think you stressed a little too much on manners when you taught him," the princess says with a soft laugh.
"Actually I didn't have... Haven't had a chance to. He couldn't quite understand what I meant but I guess he recognises your crown or something. He just understood the moment he saw you."
"We should probably explain he can get up now."
"You're right. Anon."
He looks up at you, still with his face in the dirt.
"Stand up. It's okay."
Anon seems a little cautious as he rises to his feet, unsure if he's doing the right thing. It almost seems like he's uneasy about being rude as he tries to watch everything he does right up to how he stands.
"Much better, now how much was it for a cider?"
When she speaks, Anon straightens up and stands as firmly as possible. Then he quickly pours a cup of cider to leave before the princess on the counter.
Celestia starts putting a few bits on the counter when Anon pushes them back. And now this kind of thing has given you a sudden but clear realisation about Anonymous. You were open to the idea that Anon was from something else. He understands enough of his own language to pick up bits of yours, but only now are you realising that Anon has a culture of sorts. He apparently has a camp, he wears specific kinds of clothes, he can recognise the princess as royalty, and even has a language.
"I think he's letting you have this one on the house," you whisper to the princess
"That's sweet but I wouldn't be a good princess if I didn't pay my own way."
"Please accept the offer. I'd like to see how Anon reacts."
"Hm... Very well. For science. Thank you, Anon."
She smiles at him and takes a drink. Which seems to put Anon at ease, though only a little. His stance is still tall and firm.
"Twilight, I was hoping to talk to you about a few things before the day starts if that's okay with you."
"Of course, I'm not really sure we should leave Anon by himself though."
"I can watch him," chirps Pinkie Pie.
"Thank Pinkie," he calmly nods to her.
Pinkie on the other hand squeals and leaps as she replies, "Thank Nonny."
Pinkie leaps over the counter and into Anon's arms, who swings her around as she laughs before placing her on solid ground.
"Woah, dizzy."
The two are immediately wrapped up in each other. And with that, you follow closely beside the princess so you can have a talk.
"How are the lessons going?"
"It's like doing a puzzle without the picture," you reply with an irate chuckle, "It's been slow and he only understands pieces of what I mean, never the full thing. Like he uses thank as a greeting and it's been very difficult to teach him otherwise."
"Well, I'll be honest Twilight, I was thinking it might be best to take him back with me to Canterlot. That way some professionals can work with him."
"That would probably be the quicker and safer option."
"But?"
"Hm?"
"I can tell there's something more you have to say."
You sigh.
"Well... I don't think Anon will respond well to that. He gets along with most ponies and he's very attached to Applebloom, Pinkie too it seems. Not to mention he likes to wander around, even into the Everfree. I'm not sure Canterlot is the right environment."
"Very well. What about safety?"
This time her face becomes straighter and her tone is almost harsher.
"What do you mean?"
"I need to know every pony will be safe... Is he dangerous?"
You ponder that question for a moment. Probably for a little more than you should have too. But you've thrown at everyone else, yet you don't have a proper answer yourself. It's true that you don't trust Anon. There's still too much you don't know about him, yet the Apples welcomed the strange creature into their home. Nopony questioned it but you and so you were a little harsh at first. But the concern is still there. Just because he hasn't hurt anyone yet doesn't mean he's safe. But if you tell the princess that, will she take him away? More than anything, you dread that for the Apples.
"Twilight?"
"Sorry... But I can't say for sure. I do know the Apples trust him though. They've welcome him in without a second thought and treat him like a part of the family."
Celestia weighs your reply carefully, then she sighs as her smile returns.
"Then that'll have to do for now. Come, let's return to Sweet Apple Acres. I'd like another cup of cider."
As always when the princess is here, every pony crowds around her for a chance to speak to her. Then add to the even bigger crowd here for cider. You're not even going to try and stick around. In the corner of your eye you notice Anon is heading towards the Everfree. Curiosity gets the better of you and so you follow him. Quietly. From a distance.
It's only a few minutes of a walk but eventually Anon comes to a clearing where you notice what must be Anon's camp. There's shelter made from wood, vines, and large leaves. Some rope going from tree to tree and a little pit for what you'd assume to be a bonfire. You take a step forward for a closer look when you nearly trip over on some rope. As you take your foot off it, hear a jingle coming from the camp. It must be a trap of some kind to alert Anon of someone nearby which brings a beaming smile to your face. Honestly, you had no idea Anon was smart enough to work something like this and you find yourself getting so lost in the workings of the contraption that you don't notice the beast towering over you.
"Thank Twilight," he says in a chillingly calm voice.
"S-Sorry Anon."
He shakes his head then gestures you to follow. Now you're standing at the centre of his camp. Anon points to a few things then says some words you don't understand. It takes you a moment to realise, but he's actually trying to teach you what they are.
"Wait, I missed those. Repeat them please."
He gives you a confused look, tilting his head slightly.
"Uh, again. Repeat. Didn't understand, like... what is this?" You say as you stand in front of his shelter and point.
Anon tells you the word but again it goes over your head as you notice Anon has a book in here. It stands out too. With it's worn green leather cover and rope stitching, you admire it as you lift it up in your magic to ask Anon what it is. As you go to open it to peek, Anon snatches it like a frog after a fly so he can clutch it closely to him.
"No!"
"I-I didn't mean to... I w-was just curious. Sorry."
"Not example."
You suppress any and all urges to correct that and continue to apologise.
"Right. Right. Won't happen again... You know, if that's important you probably shouldn't leave it out here."
Again he looks at you confused. You gesture all around the camp.
"If it's important then you should keep it at the farm," you say as you then point to the book.
Anon holds for a moment, thinking then starts walking towards Sweet Apple Acres without a word.
The two of you head into the barn and you lead Anon over to the corner where you lift up a few planks of wood. Without missing a beat, you shovel out a bit of dirt to make room for the book. Anon looks at you cautiously before he puts it under the floorboards.
"Relax Anon, I won't tell anyone."
He's still giving you the same look. You find yourself getting irritated now but that fades as you laugh at yourself for that. Not at Anon, just at how difficult it is to communicate.
"Secret," you finally utter as you mime zipping your lips shut.
Anon seems to understand your meaning as he repeats the action and the word himself. Once that's done you head back out to try and find someone to talk too. Anon disappears, likely to find Pinkie or Applebloom to play with. Even as you try to focus elsewhere, your mind keeps drifting to that curious little book.
I'm enjoying this so far, keep it up
This is quite neat. Usually stories like this with a human learning the equestrian language have some kind of ulterior motive or make the language bits more of a side-part of the story but it actually seems to be about learning the language and cultures more than anything else. This is done very well in that he makes mistakes more often than not instead of understanding everything right off the bat.
No, I'm not. I'm Aburi.
From the very beginning, this story is trying to kill any suspension of disbelief that I may have. Which is a shame, because I really like the story itself. Sure, it's clumsy in places and has significant show vs tell issues, but those are the kind of things you expect to see in a new author.
But for the love of the written word, why are you writing this as second person Twilight Sparkle? The only reason to use second person is for what is know as an "audience insert", where the character in the story is the actual reader. In the best of times this is a difficult thing to do. But to say that the reader is a named character, let alone one with a previously developed personality, is the exact opposite of the use of that style of writing.
Whenever you speak to the reader, saying that "you" do something; the reader progects their self image into the story. Since the reader is NOT Twilight Sparkle, that image is inherently incorrect, and the reader must the mentally rewrite the scene in their head for it to make sense.
So, bottom line: great story. Shame it's ruined by the choice of writing style.
This has has gotten my interest, Please continue
7064761
No. It seems you cannot handle that a second person perspective was used right for once... Something that seems different to your writing style. Which would be an opinion/preference.
While I normally would hate to I have to vehemently disagree. This is not a story type that is seen that often anymore. At least not done correctly that is. This story feels like a light cosmic horror/mystery. Anon is being treated with trepidation and as an unknown. While I suspect that will change dramatically I am not sure if he will be good or bad.
I would also imagine the story was written like this so the story is not bogged down with extra details that we would eventually find annoying given the nature of the story (I.E. All of the minutiae of learning a whole new language/culture and all of the time the character would have to put in to the experiences.). This story is supposing that Anon is possibly dangerous/aloof personally, completely ignorant of the language/culture, friendly but hiding a dark secret. The fact that as time rolls on in the story that more and more is relayed about Anon with minimal input from his perspective... that lends you to come to your own conclusion. Whether that is right or wrong doesn't really matter. What should is whether the story is compelling enough to read.
Or as you said in the prior message:
Since the main thing that I think would keep us linked to this story is 'what will happen?' I have to say the second narrative actually is a good choice for once. Also no... it is not a huge hardship in a story with so few details and little shoehorned in changes of perspective to make it especially difficult. Honestly if this was a novel I would complete agree with you but it is not.
I have not been in one of these on line spats in sometime but honestly this is one of the few times that a second person perspective has been used successfully in my memory. Do not disparage it or what it is but how it is used. If you truly need it to be spelled out for you then make your own version of the story. I know you have posted a few yourself. One of which was quite nice.
But both of us getting snobby on the comment board will not "fix" the story. I actually disagree that anything needs to actually be fixed in this particular case. That is despite the fact I would normally agree with how second person perspective is normally written (Usually too busy/confusing or too woodenly... Just ick.).
The only real reason I respond is because I am being honest about my feelings on the matter and this author is in my opinion doing an ok job so far. It actually does remind me of a large number of great classic short stories that I have read in the past. I am not above disparaging someone that deserves it but in this case I just don't see it. Variety is part of the spice of life so lets see if they persevere huh?
7065656
Well said.
7064761
This is blatantly false. Homestuck, an extremely popular written/draw work, uses 2nd person exclusively combined with text based RPG style commands. The reader is not a character in the story but rather follows different actual characters with deep personalities. The following is an excerpt from Homestuck's fourth page:
Later:
You trace your magic back to where you dug out the dirt, and quietly teleport the book to your study. With your pusle quickening, you open the book to a random page:
pbs.twimg.com/media/B_Rj95EUwAAPP6o.jpg
7065973
Yeah, you're right. I just fixed that.
Don't drink and write kids. Or do.
7065656
While we may disagree on some things, you are entirely correct that my opinion is just my opinion. I'm not going to down vote an inherently good story because I dislike the choice of narrative style. And while I will, and have, pointed out that I think it is a mistake, I'm hardly going to try to tell the author to change their story to suit me.
That being said, I think you are getting narrative style and story type mixed up. That this is written in second person has no relation to it being a light comedy/mystery, as you see it. Personally, I think this would be better delivered as a first person narrative from Twilight's perspective. Or in other words, make Twilight the narrator rather than making the reader be Twilight with a third person narrator.
As for this being "second person done right", I again must disagree. I've seen second person done right. When second person is done right, I forget that I'm reading in second person. When any style of writing claims more of my attention than the story itself, then it is not done right.
7065852
The webcomic Homestruck is a very unique beast. It is very popular and entertaining, but as a story it is a confused mess. It also does not use second person as a narrative style, but rather as a readout from the controls of a console that another character is using.
Homestruck is well done and popular, but it has zero immersion, nor is it intended to. To compare it to a narrative story, where reader immersion is critical, is to do a great disservice to both.
7066130
Alrighty. Now THIS is a much better comment than your first. Here, you're voicing an opinion with reasoning rather than stating an opinion as fact and deriding the material.
For that, I applaud you.
7066130 Understandable. For now then it sounds as if we are just going to disagree then. However a definite point in your favor for not giving it a down vote.
7065931 Yeah, and that little green book pops out of existence with purple sparkles right as Anon is reaching for it. Smooth Twilight, Smooth~.
I still think Anon is totally trolling, and speaks and reads fluent Equestrian. :D
I'd love to see Anon's perspective on this story.
On the other hand, if my theory is right, his perspective would spoil everything.
I think Anon is faking it. I think Equestrian and English are the same language, and that only Pinkie (and possibly Apple Bloom) know he can understand everything. The language Twilight heard him speak was something that would sound totally foreign, such as anything not Germanic or Romance.
I want to give this a try... I really do.
But "Anon" bothers me so much that if it isn't done perfectly I'll end up downvoting. It sounds good and undeserving of a downvote for just being an "Anon" fic... Should I give it a chance?
:Edit:
Not happy with "anon" being a name, but I haven't downvoted it yet... So that's high praise.
Keep up the good work. *cringes*
Well, that's certainly an interesting read so far. A story of this type that isn't from the perspective of the human character isn't something that you see a lot. I like this.
7066499
The reader is not Anon. The second person is from Twilight's perspective, so it will be different from what you typically see.
I recommend giving it a try. It has a lot of the same flaws as the Anonymous in Equestria trope, but it's different enough to be worth it's own consideration.
7066402 I agree too, and that little book probably contains text in Equestrian/English.
Is this a green-skin faceless anon?
7066947
Considering he gave a glare in the first chapter, I'd say no.
The choice of doing 2nd person seems odd for Twilight Sparkle... and makes it errm... wonky? I believe that choice of wording is as close to how I am feeling on the matter but enough about that.
I however love this idea and want to see more.
Wait, there is a second half to my avatar?
Crazy.
EDIT: Or did you draw in Twilight? The shading and coloring are pretty similar, but Twilight's geometry feels kinda odd compared to Anon's.
7067163
It's something I've had for ages. No idea who the artist even is.
7067221 Ah, too bad. I've been searching the author too.
I like this fic so far, but you could do some re-reading on the chapters. I've noticed some characters, besides Anon of course, that speaks... out of tone or character. It's just one of those things that throws me out of the focus on the story. It's cute and it literally keeps us out of the loop on Anon's case. Other stories that try to take this route has it switching between the teacher and the student. Case in point is the Walking Giant, it switches in between Barin, the giant, and Twilight or whoever is important for the moment. It doesn't really create any mystery or suspense, unless you're just waiting for another chapter to be written, it just dissolves it in the story. I can only see that working if you have a two story plan; one in Twi's point of view and the other in Anon's.
Sorry I went on a tangent
A 15 hours workday kinda just throws you at times . Anyway, tl;dr it's good just re-read your chapters.
damn is there somewhere a part where it is from anon's view ?
good work so far !
I really love series where they learn the language of Equestria.
Interesting idea. Delivery is rough. I think I can accept the clumsiness if the story decides to go somewhere.
Pretty good story so far. I will admit that the image you chose for the story lent me to the idea that Anon was going to be more of a prankster that was going to annoy Twilight, but finding the perfect image for your story isn't easy. I look forward to more.
7066424
7066402
Maybe Anon isn't faking, but Equestrian and English are the same language, Anon just doesn't speak English.
I feel like twilight should have actually zipped her lips using her magic to get the point across.
Would've been funny to see his reaction to it.
7064761 No, this is Patrick
more pls!
She will screw it up with the book, won't she?
Also, keep up the good work! I like how this is going.
7064761
Is it? Is it really? Are you really Aburi? Is that the name your mother and father gave you? Before your father left you and your mother raised you as a limpwristed top cuck. How is that degree in literary perspectives from University of Phoenix treating you? You got a job yet? How much does reviewing Fimfic stories pay per hour? Fighting Russians only gets me about 0.56 virgins in Heaven per hour.
You know what else was clumsy and rife with show v. tell problems? Your attempts to get your prom date's dress off. Well lube up, I'm your new prom date you ugly sack of shit. There is gonna be a whole lot of "audience inserts" when I get my grubby, dusty, brown muslim hands on your pimply fat american ass. I can see it now, speckled with hairs and dents, flabby and hanging. Years of sitting at a spinny desk chair perfected into one slimy pasty rear end. I'm gonna unload my bladder into your tummy, then seal off the hole with some cummy.
You seem like the time who uses big descriptive words like "an orchestra of depression" or a "cacophony of emotion". I'd also place down a bet that if you sign into your facebook you've got 0 (GOOSE EGG, ZERO, FELTCH ZELCH) new messages, but a long log of "heys" sent to that tightly dressed blonde girl from high school. I'll help you clear up that problem before we address the embarrassment that is your fimfiction career of shitposting. Women do not like fuckmen named Aburi who use dragons for profile pictures. They like big, strong, healthy turbanned men like me. (Observe my own profile picture and take notes.)
Homestuck, like you, is a hideous, bloated, beast. (I'm sure you relate to the title, you have so much time to stay at home with no friends or responsibilities to attend to) Unfortunately, it has people that like it, that separates it from you.
Now listen up you shriveled little redditor. I AM Twilight Sparkle, I AM in contact with the author right now over AOL messenger. This story was dedicated to me. Stop being such a self centered cumrag. YOU are not important. When you see "you" it isn't always "you", you are Twilight Sparkle now. BUT NO YOU ARE NOT, you're a shitter. A shitter with a waste basket filled with "tissue paper" for your "allergies" that occur three (COUNT EM 3) times a day.
For the love of the quality of Fimfiction, as in shambles as it is, stop posting you back pedaling dragonkin triple-gender damage controlling mega-cunt.
I invite you to contact me by phone, we have a discussion that NEEDS to occur: (919)-460-9778
In the mean time:
1) Delete your fimfiction account
2) Going down to a crafts store for some construction paper and crayons
3) Write out a goodbye letter to yourself
4) Get some rope from the home depot and a maple tree seed.
5) Plant the seed in your mother's backyard
6) Wait 10 years for it to grow
7) Mail that goodbye letter to yourself
7) Hang yourself for being a 34 year old virgin who baits for replies on fimfiction and the homestuck forums.
Two Sevens, check those doubles
Interest piqued.
7070086
Dayum son.
7070094 Jesus fucking Christ.
Like, you aren't wrong or anything but damn. That took effort. Good job.
Also author good job on this story. I do like the concept and I'll be keeping track of it. I will suggest that you embellish and lengthen more of the interactions with Anon, especially when he learns more. You should be aiming for 2k minimum each chapter.
Can't wait to read more.
7070263 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I'm old. Like, saw Star Wars in '77 old.
7070263 Ugh. I meant peaked. Piqued means annoyed. I guess the coffee is out of my system.
7070289 You had it right the first time. Peaked is like at the top of, but piqued is to stimulate (curiosity).
I think Damien was responding to the wrong post (the one above yours).
Story is good so far. Chapters could be longer, but overall it's interesting. I'm kinda curious why it's going the way it is, and how it's gonna come together.
7070086
There is something wrong with you. You really need help.
7070086
Damn son, that's some nice autism you have there. That's the whole umbrella in one massive TL;DR shitpost. I think if I read the whole thing my brain cells would commit honourabu sudoku.
7070086
Of all the ways to respond to a comment you don't agree with, this was far from an acceptable one.
Next attack like this will earn you a ban.
What's the sound that a strange sound makes? Did you mean "the sound of something strange?" or "perk up at a strange sound?" This line could be rephrased better so that the word sound doesn't have to be repeated.
Why not call her a diarch since it would be more accurate while you are at it.
It's so funny to watch Twilight stumble like this in a silly attempt to express herself. As long as this is not taken too far I will continue to find it amusing.
7066130
I would be curious to know if you would consider this to be the most appropriate narrative style that you can think of for this fic.
7066148 Nice points, but I think that Architect just wanted to showcase an example that expands on what you expressed to be your opinion on second person narrative. So I'm very curious to know how you will respond to the story I provided. :)
7066178 You just might agree with him if his point came across as saying that he believes the story would better come across with a different narrative style than him saying that the choosen narrative style undermines the story in some way . Would you not?
7066402 That would be hilarious, but I'm pretty sure that's not going the case.
7066895>>7066424 It just seems like a little too much work to go through for the sake of trolling.
7066499 You know, Anon it's actually something like a subgenre by this point. There is a huge catalog of fics from many different subjects that employ a character that it's know as Anon. There is even a group for them in Fimfiction; but this stories are even more popular in pastebin and /mlp/.
7066947 You may imagine him as such if you like; but some of his face features have being described already like the look in his eyes. But hey! he could be green for all we know. XD
7069575 Yes, cause you just got to get your conflict and suspension in there.
7070289 Actually, piqued can mean both things:
FYI:s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/sneak_peek/sneak_peek.png
~Leonzilla
7071415
I disagree and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
7071415
Actually, what you're describing is a story in third person. Writing in the second person requires use of the pronouns you, your, and yours. This point of view is used to address the audience in technical writing, advertising, songs and speeches. It's different from the first person, which uses pronouns including I and me, and different from the third person, which uses pronouns such as he and she.
Here's a great example of good second person writing I found. It's kind of dark, but still a great example.
Anyone else annoyed that this doesn't have Lyra in it?