Tensions between the Royal Sisters flare when Princess Luna is caught teaching the innocent young Princess Twilight Sparkle the pleasures of adultery, and that is the one thing which Princess Celestia cannot tolerate. Can Twilight Sparkle find a way to smooth their tensions and perhaps please both princesses instead of being caught between their passionate desires?
Picture: Public domain.
Tea: Earl Grey.
Temperature: Hot.
Placed Tenth in the Distant Shores competition of the Writeoff.me site in August, 2015. Rated Teen for… you know. I blame GhostOfHeraclitus for the inspiration, and Seether00 for the motivation.
Chapters (1)
First comment reserved for the author: Of course it's about tea. What else could it possibly be?
Cringe. Cringe cringe cringe. Cringe comedy isn't really my thing. Have my like anyway - it's at least well-executed, and reminded me of the other meaning of "adultery" (although I've never heard that meaning in that form before, always just "adulteration"). Ooh, now my inner etymologist has questions.
Also... did you mean to leave out the "e" in "adultery" in the story title?
To the readers: I accept all responsibility. I'm so, so very sorry.
Great story, I think this is the first time I've ever clicked on the front page's "new stories" tab and found something readable. I feel I must point out though, that you've spelt "adultery" wrong.
I knew it wasn't going to be about the obvious, but then it was indeed... well played!
7039847 Sigh. I swear, I've screwed up a dozen story/chapter titles that way. Fixed.
7039859 Also.
7039853 You should be. Enabler! You probably even use (shudders) lemon in your tea.
Oh, and hello to my two stalkers, who downvote everything I do within moments of it being posted. (Or I suppose if you two are bots, "01000110 01010101 01000011 01001011 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100001")
FYI: Trivia - If you correct the title of a story, your notifications break into a second category. Interesting.
7039888
That's very rude. They're just doing what they're programmed to do.
I had to downvote this! It's in the non-mature feature box! Kids could see this! Could think of ruining good tea! Mixing milk and lemon like monsters[1]. I dare not imagine what the thought of instant tea might do to an impressionable mind. Except possibly lead to blindness, dropsy, insanity, gout, and IMPURE THOUGHTS, of course!!!
GEORG IS AFTER OUR PRECIOUS
BODTEA-ISH FLUIDS![1] A friend of mine insists on sugar in his green tea. As a result when friends are over, I often serve "three cups of green tea, lovingly brewed to perfection, and one container of heathen swill, ruined beyond description."
I really want a cup of tea, now.
As a former employee of Teavana, I'm going to have to school all three of them here.
Basically any tea, even the finest ones, will have a larger depth of flavor when you add a small pinch of sugar (not honey, which only goes well in some). That said, some herbal brews will taste like nothing if you don't add multiple teaspoons worth. And mixing is certainly encouraged, for the nutritional benefits as well as the flavor.
7040004 Don't forget some teas go well with a mixture of additives. Sugar with a pinch of salt for example.
Y'know...
... I saw it coming. I did.
But still...
What.
You are a terrible person and I think I will love you forever.
Sometimes I think your username should be Groan.
Which of them is married?
Wait, I think I read this one. Yes I did. I see the play on words, but technically adultery is with a married partner. Hmm. Maybe there's a better term for it here.
Giggle worthy and excellent word play, favorited and up voted!
She is the mediator between day and night. She is the bridge that spans the ocean of knowledge. She is the tie that binds and the grace that accepts another's differences. Now she just needs to protect the iced tea industry from the vengeful wrath of two goddesses. Once they taste that stuff, they are going descend upon the sinful in an antipodal blend of celestial fire and the chill of the void, and Twilight is going to be the only thing capable of standing in their way. And then she'll need to ask herself if she should.
... Did I just find a sequel hook?
In any case, just as hilarious as it was in the Writeoff, if not more so. Thank you for bringing it to Fimfiction.
7039966 I note no complaints about adding honey...
I'm starting to feel terribly neglected by you when it comes to editing for you, you know...
There's just so many good bits in this. I think I hurt myself laughing.
Nicely done, though I wish Twilight's speech toward the end had continued the punny innuendo more... obviously? Intensely? Truly, madly, deeply?
Finally! Reminds me of an Anonymoose story, "Twilight and Celestia Attend Parliament" or some such.
And there's the OC stallion love interest. Was starting to think it wasn't you there for a minute, G.
Thumbs up on the whole, as usual.
Ever since reading Skywriter's Princess Celestia Hates Tea, I am enamored by all stories involving Celestia and tea.
Have a like, a favorite, and a mustache.
Dude, you are awesome here's a haiku:
Double Entendre
You have truly mastered it.
I tip my hat, sir.
5-7-5.
7040632 Yes, Bucephalus is the horse of Alexandar the Great. I believe it means "Ox-head" (or at least I'm going to swear to that)
7040521 Darn, I don't even have the Single Entendre down cold yet.
7040491 Indeed, a mighty classic.
7040465 There aren't many Canon male love interests in MLP other than Shining Armor and Mister Cake. Um. Not together.
7040381 A little tea with honey will help.
7040143 I'll have to find my list.
7040138 Some things, you just have to share. If nothing else, to spread out the pain. :)
7040112 Sigh.
7040077 Or Cliffhanger. Wait a moment, there's somebody at the doo--
7040059 We live to serve. Tea.
7040051 Please! Watch your language. There are small children who read this. You saw this approaching. Let us be correct in our usage of words, and avoid certain phrases which might be misinterpreted.
7040043 I prefer my sugar with just a little tea in it.
7040014
7040004 Generally, if I can still taste the tea through the sugar, it needs more sugar.
7039985 it's too late at night. You'll have to wait until morning.
7039966 Obviously a Team Celestia member. I'll have to get Twilight tea-shirts printed up. (snerk)
7039882 Oh, I'm fairly obvious.
7040773 Look here, Innuendo Lad, I'mma use the language the way it was intended and if the poor kiddies are scandalized then so be it!
Good day, sir!
...
I said good day!
7040777 Are you stating that it is a good day, demanding we have a good day, or are confused on if it is a good day?
7040777 (looks outside) It's dark. Properly, this would be "Good evening" or perhaps, "Good night" unless you're on the other side of the...
I'll show myself out.
7040806 I'm not certain either. The whole theory of language went to heck when we ditched Latin for this jumble of odd words.
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
7040806 Can't tell if serious.
7040839 Caesar non supra grammaticos
7040841
Seriously, the moment I read the title and saw just WHO was writing it, I knew I was in for a (tea) barge full of innuendos and double entendres (and a subversion or two) that would tickle my funny bone. I was not disappointed.
As for what Twilight and Luna, and Celestia and her guard got up to after tea... Well, all I can say is...
[youtube=youtube.com/watch?v=f2ce-zC_n8E]
Well... sadly this wasn't really my cup of tea. Both of the section-end sex jokes were cute, and I enjoyed them. But there was a fair amount of meandering narrative that didn't seem to be bringing a lot of humor or serving much purpose, especially toward the beginning of each section. And for all that the juxtaposition of tea and sex—and seeing characters react to one like the other—was the whole point, I found that it mostly just made me feel removed from the characters and unable to understand their motivations.
I was hoping to like this one more, but I guess I'll just have to let my sense of humor lapse and such on this one.
(Incidentally, 7039966, you should really appreciate that last line.)
7041149 So you're saying it wasn't your... (pause for drama) cup of tea?
7041159
Yeah, I think it'd be fair to say that this wasn't...
<extended pause for dramatic effect>
<still pausing>
<okay, fine, almost done pausing>
...my thing.
No, wait!
Aaagh! I missed it. That wasn't how it was supposed to end!
Dammit!!
I CAME!
This was almost but not quite exactly what I expected.
It was almost not something i enjoyed, too. But I did, in the end, get a few chuckles out of it.
Welp, time to go warm the kettle.
Hope we have plenty of sugar.
Lost it right here.
A crying shame that Twilight couldn't work up the nerve to tell them both that she prefers coffee...
And Celestia drinks her tea from the cup? How very modern of her. Any true connoisseur would pour it out and slurp it from the saucer. What would her mother think of such a shameful activity? Drinking from the cup...
Milk, sugar, honey, AND lemon all in the same cup!?! I know serial tea adulterers who would say that is going far too far. Besides, the tea is contextual for its adulteration.
Well that was Tea-dious
(I'm off to make a debauched cup of hot chocolate!)
Saw this, saw the author and thought "this is going to be about adultering the tea, isn't it?"
Was not disappointed.
7039966
I'm afraid I am even more of a foul heretic: I don't drink tea - at all!
And - *dramatic pause* - I'm ENGLISH!
I took a real gamble reading this one if there is one thing I hate in this world it's adultery and infidelity it was a good gamble
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/70/83/eb/7083eb958c49daf98ba3b7c0c51144b2.jpg
I love this. I love this so, so much, I want to marry it and have its babies.
Am terribly partial to English Breakfast thoroughly adulterated with too much sugar.
Oh god, this novel contains strong pornography. You really made so many detailed descriptions on how sugarcubes were added to the tea, the innocent tea! This is just ... so explicit. And HONEY! Adding honey to tea is controversial even for a porn website! Not to mention milk! Do I have to tell you that adding milk to tea is an extreme fetish, even illegal in some states?
Really, Georg, I should have added "milk in tea" to my filter, this strange fetish is giving me stomachache. Yeah, I am lactose intolerant. The lines of Luna suggesting sex with Twilight and Celestia promising fun time after tea are the only innocent sentences in the novel. Refreshing, actually, in such a hardcore clopfic.
7041174 Oh, you wanted things, did you. You're obviously thinking of Changelings, Love and Lollipops, although I must warn you, there is no tea in it. But there is coffee.
7041310 If I can make you laugh once, I consider the story a success, although I score more points if I can get you to roll off your chair and land on the floor.
7041351 Barbarian!
7041367 Let me look around, I may be able to find it here somewhere under the mess.
7041474 Luna likes to push her limits.
7041560 You probably don't even grind your own cocoa beans. Some people just don't understand what goes into a proper cuppa.
7041611 English, and you don't drink tea? I was unaware there was a union between those two sets.
7041760 You can get good odds on that for about any of my stories.
7041767 Even the French drink tea in the future. Give into the power of the leaf.
7041990 English breakfast is not breakfast. -- John Pinette
7042000 I can't help it. I'm shameless. What's worse, in many of my stories, the ponies are... (pause) naked, with Green Grass being the exception. I'm particularly proud of the chapter in Diplomat's Daughter where he has tea with Celestia.
Well hell, that's just entertainingly impressive. ^^
7040059 Oh my god! I didn't get that at all until this comment! Oh my god! I was so naive.