Continue Testing

The tan earth pony spun the chair behind the desk of his unreasonably cramped office in a very unprofessional manner as he pondered life’s mysteries. Specifically, whether it was scientifically feasible to create a device which would enable a pony to survive a long fall by turning its bones to rubber immediately before impact. Sure, once he set up the program and revealed it to the unwashed masses, all those stuck-up neigh-sayers in the scientific community would most likely descend upon him in droves whining about how that was not ‘real science’ or it was ‘unethical’, but who were they to determine what was and was not science? He gave another spin in the opposite direction. Heck, as the CEO of the Private Equestrian Scientific Research, Invention and Experimentation Organization, (PESRIEO for short, but what kind of idiot would use that acronym? He sure didn't!) if he wanted to save lives through hundreds of trial and error experiments concerning cliffs and transmogrification spells, then he darn well would! Anything could be science if you studied it… scientifically. And were confident about it. That was one of Cave-In’s personal mantras: if you seemed confident enough, nopony would dare question you. Particularly not royal guards, who had no business tampering with perfectly legal science. No. Business. At all.

A chipper rap at the door to his office startled him from his crucial thoughts on whether it was worth returning the pony’s bones to normal after the fall. Quickly, he spun his chair around so it was facing the door and leaned forward on his desk in what he considered to be a dashing pose. “I’m extremely busy, so unless you have an progress report on the water-boring drill, I suggest you leave before I FIRE you.” he shouted, glaring at the tiny stack of paperwork scattered across his desk, along with random slips of paper and napkins covered in scribbles of grant request rough drafts and invention ideas- whatever happened to have been nearby when inspiration struck him. As it did quite often, of course.

“Mister Cave-In, sir?” a soft voice wafted in from the other side of the door. A voice he just now remembered he had sent for before being struck with the gobsmackingly brilliant idea of rubber bones. He really should write that down, but in the meantime, he pushed those wonderful thoughts to the back of his mind. He had something much more important to discuss at the moment. Something that dwarfed the spectacularity of long fall survival.

“Ah, Wide Smiles, come in, come in.”

A slender white unicorn with a dark mane slipped through the door, a clipboard floating alongside her in the yellow glow of her magic and a fetching red scarf tied about her neck. "You rang for me, sir?"

"Yes, yes. I have. But first, do you have the results on the gel experiments?"

"Yes sir, Mr. Cave-In. It's progressing very nicely." She flipped through the clipboard before turning it around to display neat pie charts and strings of data. "The ponies in charge of the lunar mixture would like to see you about their progress with your Project: Nightmare Moon strategy."

"Excellent, excellent. I'll look into that today. But in the meantime, I've got some spectacular news for you, Smiles. I've thought up a business strategy that is sure to rocket this company to the top of the food chain! Just you wait, this will trump anything else I've ever come up with, and you know how genius all my ideas are."

"Indeed, Mr. Cave-In."

He took a deep breath. "Smiles, I look out into the streets, and what do I see?" He turned his chair away from her dramatically and faced the wall where he would choose to put a window had his office not been deep underground. "I see ponies dancing, ponies singing, ponies living it up in a giant musical number that is life. Everywhere across Equestria there is joy and song. And do you know what? They're missing something! All their arias and beatboxing and what-have-you is lacking! Lacking something only we here at the Private Research and Awesome Science Institute can Provide!"

"Private Equestrian Scientific Research, Invention and Experimentation Organization." Wide Smiles demurely corrected.

"Exactly! And do you know what that is?"

His assistant's eyes brightened. "Light shows of Thermal Encouragement Beams™?"

"Even better!" Cave-In whirled around and slammed his forehooves on his desk with the exact amount of dramatic flair as was necessary. He nailed the move, as per usual. "Music!"

"I'm... not quite sure I understand."

Cave-In sat back down and steepled his hooves. "You see it's like this. How can anypony belt out a good line or seventeen without stellar background music to keep tempo and sound amazing? And make those poor saps who caterwaul over by my favorite coffee shop (you know the one, it has peppermint cappuccinos all year round- that one) seem any less... How do I put this politely... They're as tone-deaf as a drunk mule who hasn't slept for sixty-nine hours or brushed his teeth. Honestly, do you know how many times I've had to endure their performances? Let me tell you, the first stanza of their first song was already more than I could bear. I've tried calling the cops on them, I've tried calling the royal guard on them, I've tried suing them. Heck, I've even tried to sic the Moneylenders Union on them, and they're the most ruthless ponies I know! But they just won't... Where was I going with this?"

"How can tone-deaf ponies sound bearable?"

"Yes! Eeex-actly! The answer is clear. The fully automated Music Storage and Retrieval Device™! Just think about it- music available to the common pony without needing instruments! Or ponies to play those instruments! Or other ponies at all! Heck with other ponies! Just lump 'em all together and ship 'em down here for testing, for all I care."

"Sir."

"Ah, right. We can store the music on those brain-copying disks the boys in the lab are working on, and then BAM! Those things will be selling like hotcakes and we'll finally have the funding needed for that 'doing magic without using magic' research that keeps getting shot down by the board."

"A brilliant idea, sir," Wide Smiles commented. "But there's the issue of getting funding for your music device. The Private Equestrian Scientific Research, Invention and Experimentation Organization is dangerously low on funds at the moment, and as much as I hate to admit it, another project would crumple the company."

Cave-In nodded sagely. "I understand that, Smiles, which is why I'm going to sacrifice one of our current projects and transfer its money to this one. As of today, the Equestran Brainy Research Company's Hoofheld Portal Device sector will be iced until further notice."

Wide Smiles gasped and the clipboard clattered loudly against the concrete floor as it slipped from her magical grip, her shocked expression anything but her namesake. "Sir? Y-you can't be serious, we're so close to a breakthrough! I- I can feel it!"

"Now now, I know how much this particular project means to you," Cave-In comforted, ever the sympathetic boss; he genuinely had no clue why ponies were not throwing themselves at him, begging to work for him. "But I've been thinking, and I realized the world doesn't need another reality-ripping device. What it really needs is music, and drills that can bore through water, and cliff-surviving rubber bones, and music, music for all!

Wide Smiles lower eyelid twitched "But sir, the testing."

"The portal testing can wait. That experiment's probably going to be a dud, just like that love-sucking mantis-pony idea. What a waste of resources that failure was- not a single viable specimen! And the labs stank of gunpowder and that green goo for weeks. Now help me draft up the instructions to send to the lab. I've got a good feeling about this one! Heh heh, but then again, I have good feelings about all my brilliant ideas."

Wide smiles blinked the unshed tears from her eyes, forced one of her usual smiles on her muzzle- although this one might have been a trifle too forced- and stepped up to the desk.

"I know I can always count on you to back me up." Cave-In beamed. "That's why you're my number-one assistant! Oh, and while you're here, You really need to listen to this other great idea I came up with about rubber bones! Did I mention this earlier? I think we should start on it once we're swimming in bits from the music sales. Ha! Just think of it! Selling music!"

An unspecified number of years later...

(Hint, it's a lot)

"Hello, and again, welcome to the Equestrian Experimentation Organization center." A disinterested robotic voice began to broadcast without warning through the sterile white room. "Today we will be testing the Remixer™ v3.6.0 The interface has been designed for maximum fun with minimum effort required on the part of the pony utilizing it." In contrast to it cheerful words, the voice sounded as if it thought the idea of the new Remixer was anything but fun.

"To begin, speak the words 'let's get this started', and the system will automatically activate. Once activated, simply begin singing, and the Remixer™ will produce a tune to match the song, regardless of how... convoluted it may become."

There was a brief silence. "In case you failed to pick up on the obvious clue, that was me signaling you to begin testing. By singing. You can sing, can't you? It's scientifically proven that all ponies can."

Chell glared at the camera observing her.

From the other side of the camera, PLaROS watched the tenacious pegasus in frustration. Or at least, she was sure it might have been perceived as frustration had she been an organic pony. As a superintelligent AI, she was above all that emotion.

This is exactly why scrapping the portal gun was a mistake she noted as she ran a few simulations on which cleverly disguised insults would encourage the pony to start singing. She briefly considered adding more... forceful tactics. After all, without the looming consequence of death… was this even science? Still, despite the suspiciously hazard-free and unexciting testing conditions and the slight... frustrations like test subject number 1498 here, after all was said and done, she had gotten her way.

There was much testing to do.

Author's Note:

And that, dear readers, is why the most advanced Equestrian technologies are those centering around music. Seriously, either that, or Vinyl is a time-traveler.

(Yes, the description says Aperture Science, when this is clearly the PESRIEO/EEO, but it was the only way to show that this was the ponified version of Aperture, right? Right? I'm such a failure.)

Also, a fic that I wrote that isn't focusing on changelings? SCANDAAAAAL!! To make up for it, here's a quote from the real Cave.

Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
-Cave Johnson, Portal 2

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