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After the death of their parents, Myth Chaser and his sister Snapshot set out to finish what had been started. The search for the truth behind one of the biggest secrets in the history of Equestria. An ancient mystery covered in shadow, known only to Princess Luna, and the famed wizard Starswirl the Bearded. What could two ponies of such importance possibly be keeping hidden, something that no other pony dead or alive seems to know?
( Edited by: Night Ward )
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Not a single comment or rating for this story? I know that feel. One of my stories is the same way.
So, i'm halfway through Chapter 4, and overall, i'm liking the story so far.
However, your writing leaves room for improvement. Keep in mind that this is my opinion, not fact (well... not necessarily at least :]). Also, i'm not an expert either, so take my advice for what it's worth. Here's what i've noticed so far and can recall from the top of my head. Also, i assume that you know the terms i'm using to describe your writing. If you don't, feel free to ask me questions.
1. head-hopping
As i understand, it's somewhat of a controversial issue whether one should hop heads or not. In the above case, one could make the argument that the relationship between the characters is the focus and not a particular character. Therefore, it would make sense to show different perspectives regarding the same subject at the same time.
However, that's not to say that their relationship would be any less important in a proper Third Person Limited perspective. The difference there is that you, as the reader, would have to make the connections yourself, which is, for me at least, normally more enjoyable.
A picture is worth a thousand words, as they say.
I don't know.
2. repetitive words
This is a special example because it's speech. It's true that people don't formulate the best thought-out sentences some of the time. However, speech in writing doesn't resemble real conversations to a T.
Outside of speech, it's more grievous and should be avoided even more so. The reader notices it and gets pulled out of the story as a result. Try to replace the words with different ones or leave them out entirely if possible.
3. unnecessary phrases
Like i said, i'm halfway through chapter 4, and i think i've read that Myth's mother researched Starswirl the Bearded three times at this point. It's okay to repeat that maybe once or so after at least a few chapters to shift the readers attention to it because it's important at that moment, but this here is a bit excessive.
The reason why i've read it so often is that Myth explains it to other characters. Whenever he does, we, as the readers, don't need to hear it again. For example, when Myth and Snapshot leave the train in Canterlot, Myth explains what he learned about their parents' findings to Snapshot. There is little information value to the reader because he knows all of this already. You could just write:
You would lose some of the information, for example Snapshots reactions, but (depending) that's probably worth it.
Then, there are also phrases like this:
The fact that that particular day was hot was mostly irrelevant, so why write about it?
4. saidisms
Personally, i don't find them too annoying when used sparingly. Just be concious of it because they have the potential to distract. A good way to not have to use said tags is to resort to action tags instead, which you do... which is good. Also, leaving tags out altogether is also a good idea when they're not really needed at all.
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Overall, i think you should try to look at your own writing just a bit more closely and consider all the words a bit more, and you'd probably notice these things yourself. Writing is rewriting.
Oh, one more thing: I noticed that there are some clothing items and accessoires in your story that are made out of leather. I did that in my story too until a friend of mine pointed out the implications of that.
8136365 Fair point, but considering Braeburn wears leather, it's pretty canon for it to exist in Equestria. Rarity Takes Manehattan shows that some unicorns may have the ability to magically imbue or create fabrics, so it could be that MLP leather is just made differently.
8135049 Thanks for the constructive criticism! I'll take it into consideration and make some changes of what you pointed out, and be on the look out for them in upcoming stories. Thanks for the suggestions. :)