- Member Since 18th Jul, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 4th, 2019
blablafreckenlover
20 something living in mississippi just writing whatever comes to mind. Sometimes it's hot sometimes it's not. Hope you enjoy it either way.
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Sounds interesting. Looking forward to more.
Gave her what?
nice, I like it.
one way to make the end a little less sappy is to make Fluttershy a little stricter, that she actually does give Twilight a punishment later on and that Twilight herself is more forceful with her. That instead of doing it in a gentle way she challenges her and says that as a pet she is at Fluttershy's mercy.
You should make it a little harsher.
6972572 should have been gave her a hug. I fixed it thanks for pointing it out.
again, nice but there are points for improvement.
It would have really benefited if there was some time between the laxative kicking in and Twilight actually messing. That Twilight has severe cramps and is just waiting to finally mess to get it out of her system. It would have build it up more. Also to have her wet as well isn't necessary, you should cut that. A nice touch would be if Fluttershy slightly overfeeds Twilight, that after the feeding Twilight feels overstuffed and knows she'll mess again within 24 hours. Also spent some time with Twilight stewing in her messy diaper and actually thinking about it, you rushed that over and that was kind of the most important element of a punishment.
Splitting up the paragraphs more would make it easier to read.
The pace is now much better. Though the part where Twilight tells Fluttershy about her accident should still be expanded. It's a very crucial moment. I would think Twilight would be a lot more worried about it, that she truly starts having a panic attack. When Fluttershy's gentle methods don't work she then does it more forcefully. That she herself breaks Twilight's panic attack would give their relationship a lot more weight. Helping Twilight cope with her emotions makes Fluttershy a lot more of a mother/master figure to Twilight.
Also given how worried Twilight was about losing her continence you should say that she purposefully wet her diaper. It doesn't make much sense for her to be worried about a nighttime accident but be totally okay with a daytime one.
I would think Twilight would eat a lot of porridge. With her diet of milk and foal food she will need to also eat a lot of fiber.
I would imagine that Twilight would seriously help out with the animals. Why wouldn't she? I understand the baby/pet dynamic but I would think they would lessen that at times for practical reasons.
Don't think I don't like the story. I do, I really do. I really love how subtle and casual you make it.
I hope you'll reply to my comment this time, I don't know if you follow them or not. It seems like you do but that could be a coincidence.
I would think Twilight would want Fluttershy to be a lot more forceful than this. Twilight has a busy and powerful mind and she has trouble handling that. Fluttershy should try to keep Twilight's mind in check and also maybe force her to do certain things that Twilight doesn't want to do. Twilight is more of a 'tough love' type so that's how she would want to be treated I think. Though that could just be me projecting my thoughts onto this. This isn't criticism, this is just my take on it. I still do advice you though to make Fluttershy more forceful, she's Twilight's master after all. Even a real mother is quite a bit more forceful than Fluttershy now.
7071042 Thanks for the comment. I do read all of the I just only respond if I can answer or add something. In this case all I'm going to say is that there is a lot of foreshadowing in this chapter. I should have clarified at the end though. She wasn't having accidents throughout the day she just wasn't concerned with the wet diaper and she has gotten used to it as well. That being said I can see how it might be read as her being incontinent. You'll also see more of Twilight actually helping in the next chapter and maybe that'll make you feel better about that issue you had. There's a certain tone Fluttershy and Twilight take when they want the other to play or be serious, or at least that's what I'm attempting to get across. If Fluttershy needed Twilight to actually help she'd ask her in a more serious tone. I'm glad you're liking it though.
it's Fluttershy
Also you should have Rarity say something in the beginning to make her presence felt. I think that Fluttershy would say something like "I'm sorry if I interrupted something" and Rarity would say to that "oh, not a problem at all darling".
"can" should be "could".
You should have more slave/master dynamic in this. That was what made the story so special, the combination of slave and AB roleplay.
Maybe I could proof-read your chapters for you. What do you say?
7119357 Yeah sure I guess. pm me your e-mail or something. I usually wait a day or two after i wrote it before I don any proofreading so it sits dormant for a while anyway. Also I know that nothing much happened in the last chapter. Originally chapter 5 and 4 were one chapter that was supposed to serve as a day in the life sort of thing, but it got to be kind of long so I split it up. Also I've been reading a lot of comments on the popular stories on adisc and they seemed to like it when there was some kind of relationship driving the ab stuff instead of the other way around, and that's what I was trying to do with these two chapters, show that there is something there that isn't just Twilight and Fluttershy playing around. Admittedly it lead to what I consider to be a fairly dull chapter that I'm not incredibly proud of, but I'm hoping it'll help me improve my writing overall. It's done nothing to improve proofreading skills I can say that much.
7120623
You should make a much bigger deal out of Twilight having nighttime accidents. Twilight often overthinks things so she would be REALLY concerned about it.
7131856 you'll get some of that in the next chapter.
7132662
that would seem a little odd to first have her be very casual towards it and then very upset.
One thing you should do is make Fluttershy demand that Twilight remains diapered for the night.
7132732 Well the first time it happened there was a rational explanation available for it, that's why Fluttershy calmed her down so easily. If Fulttershy wasn't there she probably would have freaked out a lot more than she did. This second time I just haven't had a chance to show her freaking out yet.
7136065
It was resolved a little too easily. We all know that when Twilight panics it's very hard to get through to her. You really have to include that somehow. Maybe that Fluttershy somewhat calms Twilight but she remains very concerned about losing her continence for the rest of the day and remains fairly distracted because of it.
7136129
Eh, with a friend to calm her down it seemed fine. Not everything has to be a major freak out.
... That was unexpected.
What the heck just happened?
That seemed a little OOC for twilight.
7202726 OOC is a new one for me you're going to have to spell that one out for me.
7202945 Out of character
7204567 ah ok. That's kind of what I was going for. I was trying to capture that vibe Celestia gives off some times, where she's nice and calm, but you know if she needed to she could rain down some wrath. Some crazy 5,000 year old snake thingy just bit her girlfriend so I thought it would be a cool moment if Twilight sort of snapped and went into fearsome god mode to protect Fluttershy.
7204843 Yes, I get that's what you was going for, but it seemed too over the top. Cracking it's shell and whatnot. Like she was trying to kill it.
7205704
I disagree, I perfectly see Twilight as capable of being violent and destructive if something she values is on the line. We have seen she can really overreact at times and she has used her magic for combat multiple times.
I feel like your weird insect race should probably be its own fic. It seems out of place here.
7280672 Somebody correct me if I'm wrong but I believe the weird insect race is somewhat influenced by the Mass Effect race of the same name.
I agree they feel a little out of place, but I've seen a LOT worse plot devices in fics on here, so I can dig it :)
7281769 yeah I borrowed the name from Mass Effect. Though technically my version is pronounced rack-nee not rack-ni, but it's not like anyone can tell.
And now for my play by play of this one!
So far off to an excellent start! No obvious errors in spelling or grammar (or maybe I was too engrossed to care). If I am correct, this takes place a year after the last one, which does upset me. I've never liked time skips greater than one week. But, I suppose I will have to put up with it. Anyway, I will torture myself further today by waiting until tomorrow to really get into it. God damn... I have had a rough day with torture...
Well, yet another good chapter (I am honestly getting sick of writing that. Can you please lower the quality?) and I am quite pleased with it. After what has been, I think?, a year they are still going strong. This story interests me greatly but I will keep on holding off on each chapter for every day. This way, I don't reach the end and then feel bad for not having anything to read.
Well, yet another chapter. I don't feel this chapter was as good as previous ones. This one felt a little stressed and more out of place. The argument between Twilight and Fluttershy was resolved too quickly and their reactions felt out of place, considering only a few lines of text before Twilight was fuming. The pacing needs a bit of work there, but otherwise it was kind of a bland chapter.
This chapter... I do not approve. It felt far too rushed and details were skipped. This chapter really need some cleanup, and I don't mean spelling either. There needs to be longer sections where Twilight actually has time to react. There needs to be details explaining how she feels sitting in the playpen for 10 minutes. There is a good bit of time that seems to be skipped, even if it is just a few minutes.
I must say, this chapter came as a relief. After the previous couple of chapters this one seemed back to the normal standard. The pacing was definitely better, it didn't feel rushed in most places. There were a few spelling errors, for instance "ever free" should be Everfree. I look forward to the next chapter and hope it keeps up with the increase in quality that I saw in this one.
7298455 you have no idea how much the ever free spelling mistake drives me insane. it's one of those things microsoft word auto corrects. If I wasn't lazy I'd add Everfree to word's dictionary but well I'm lazy.
I am quite pleased with this chapter. Overall I feel like the pacing works here. I do like a slow chapter sometimes... I feel like it helps add time reading without adding a lot of text. I look forward to tomorrow!
This chapter was not as good as the previous one. Twilight felt very out of character in her sudden decision to freak out. Then you just added some random creature which can cast magic, is venomous, and apparently has been hibernating for 5000 years. Yay for convenient plot devices! As it is, this still is fairly good quality and I do sense that there will be some good plotlines coming in soon. I am sad that I am so close to being caught up with the story.
7299223
Oh, okay.
As for my take on this chapter: ...
This... I'm honestly losing interest. I will keep reading to see what happens, but honestly? This seems like a huge step in some random direction. I feel like this story has taken a step away from AB/DL and into some alternative plot that is not what I came here for. I feel like this new plot device truly belongs elsewhere. I came to this series to read some light fluff about AB/DL and was happy to find actual story in it explaining how it came to be. I expected the sequel to continue with the story and add some more dark magic testing. I admit, this chapter fulfilled that idea, but it did it in such a weird way... It feels like you are shoving two completely opposite plots down our throats. I will stop talking here because I am realising that I am becoming aggressive. I apologise, I am not trying to be aggressive.
Seems like the perfect to opportunity for Rarity to babysit Twilight now that her mommy is indisposed. I guess she'd also need to watch Fluttershy.
I would still think Twilight would be sterner to Fluttershy. That she strictly adheres to a feeding schedule and Fluttershy saying she's hungry wouldn't change that. Twilight would set up an elaborate system to take care of her.
Also an actual foal does a lot of crying.
If Twilight is going to become a mother figure for Fluttershy she's going to have to abandon most of her submissive tendencies and become a lot more dominant. She shouldn't reward Fluttershy for doing things like spitting all over Pinkie Pie, she should scold her for that.
They could try to create anti-venom. The usual way anti-venom is created is to delude the venom greatly and then inject it. The small amount of poison is something the body can handle and it makes anti-bodies to fight against it. Then they extract blood from the infected subject and multiply the anti-bodies in a lab. Ironically the usual animal to create anti-venom from is a horse.
This was a much better chapter than the previous few. It was much lighter. I disapprove of the new plot line, of course, but overall it isn't terrible. I do expect that Fluttershy and Twilight will become foals and Rarity will take care of both of them. This is just a hypothesis but given how this chapter went it wouldn't be unexpected.
I am a little confused as to why the spell affects Twilight differently than Fluttershy. When Twilight cast the spell the first time, Fluttershy became exceedingly dominant towards Twilight, but with the role-reversal, this has not been seen from Twilight. From what I recall, Fluttershy was under the effect of the spell when she was being dominant. Just questions I have. Maybe I am looking too far in, or maybe I am just a fool. Whatever the case is, I will follow this story until it ends and make sure every chapter has some comment left by me.
7310792 You're not wrong about the spell affecting Twilight differently than Fluttershy. The actual answer is I thought it was cuter to see Twilight fumble a little bit at the beginning, but if you want a "cannon" answer you could say that the spell is acting differently because Twilight didn't self cast it this time she used it in exactly the way it was intended to be used. Be patient thought she's just now been thrust into the situation she'll flex some dom muscles soon.
7309995 I can see where you're coming from saying Twilight should be more stern. But it's also her first time being in this situation and it was pretty sudden to so she hasn't gotten into the groove of it yet. Also Fluttershy doesn't seem like a crier to me. She seems like the type to just whimper and cling to something rather than to outright cry. Also I was unaware of how anti venom was actually made, I've always assumed they synthesized it from the actual venom. I've seen shows where they extracted venom from a sanke and I just assumed that's what they were doing with it, I don't know why else you would extract snake venom. And yeah the horse thing is super ironic, I totally meant to do that glad you caught my super subtle joke.
7311510
I would think Twilight would be a little more stern by default. She's a very regimented mare so she would create a new schedule in like a few seconds (which most likely isn't very practical) and act on that.
All foals cry. Some more than others but they all cry. Also Fluttershy would then be clingy to Twilight and since she still has the body of an adult mare that can get quite painful for Twilight.
One thing I wouldn't see Twilight do at all though is rewarding Fluttershy for being naughty. She would scold Fluttershy for spitting on Pinkie Pie almost by instinct. Twilight does have quite strong maternal instincts.
Maybe you can put that making of anti-venom into the story. That Twilight uses her own body to make anti-venom since she figures that because of what happened in before (in the previous story) she'll have more resistance to it. It also would feel like redemption for her failure to protect her lover/mistress/mommy. On that: the venom has already started to work so just anti-venom isn't going to help much. Anti-venom only neutralizes the venom in the body. In order to get Fluttershy back to normal they have to find some sort of cure as well. However as long as the venom is within Fluttershy's body they can't cure her as the venom will start working again.
Making a single batch of anti-venom is actually quite simple. Twilight would just delude a little of the venom with IV fluid and inject it into herself. Than wait a few days to let antibodies form. After that she extracts blood from herself and isolates the anti-bodies. She then extracts those with various techniques and puts them into an IV fluid that she gives to Fluttershy. (Anti-venom is usually delivered via infusion since it can easily be destroyed by the acids in the stomach. Direct blood transfusion can also work but they would have to be the correct blood type and the concentration of anti-bodies would be very low so Twilight would have to give several liters of blood to Fluttershy and they would also have to drain an equivalent amount of blood from Fluttershy.)
The problem though is to get a hold of a little bit of venom. They don't need much, just a tiny bit is enough but they need to get their hooves on it. They also need to find a way to restore the damage that's already done.
Well, it wasn't a bad chapter. I enjoyed it. Nothing much to say as at this point I have no complaints, criticisms, comments, nor questions. So, when's the next chapter?
7345866 the next chapter is soonish I'll try and get started on it tomorrow
What does ab/dl and light bds mean?
7361408 well for starters it means I forgot an m. ab/dl stands for adult baby/diaper love and bdsm is an overlapping definition that means bondage discipline, dominant submissive, and sadism masochism. If you're really interested give them a google just have an open mind and prepare for some nsfw.
This chapter... It was an alright chapter. I wasn't too impressed until the end. That little section with Derpy made my otherwise rubbish day. Too bad she got hit with a rock and it ruined her eyes... again...
I'm not so sure about this. I would think Twilight wouldn't allow herself to do this until she's got Fluttershy restored. Maybe they coud do this after Fluttershy is restored but for now Twilight should be Fluttershy's mom. This is kind of an admission of failure on Twilight's part.
you should replace threateningly with firmly.
that doesn't sound like something a foal would do. That is more like something an adult foal would. Also Fluttershy after that seems like an adult, she should be like an actual foal and do a lot of crying and whining.
I think Twilight would need a minute to shift her mindset from foalish to scientific again.
Also why do they have anti-venom? I would think it wouldn't exist and Twilight would have to make it herself.
Loving the cute stuff, especially when Twilight "misbehaves". Keep it up!
7391097
Fluttershy seems to regain her adult mind for only a few minutes after waking up, hence the brief "adult" foal portion. This is never really explained, just assumed to be a side-effect of Twilight's spell. It also occurs in an earlier chapter.
7391410
but wouldn't Twilight notice it?