"Thank you my royal guards but I don't new you beyond this point." Luna exclaimed to her bat guards. She was dropped of at the field below Rainbow's cloud home.
"How quaint," she said as she looked up at the cloud home. She grabbed her bags with her magic and flew up to the cloud. She was just about to knock when the the door just popped open.
"Princess Luna!" It was Firefly and Rainbow Streak. They bowed to me then pulled Luna and her bags inside. "We are so happy you are going to watch over our little Dashie." said Firefly smiling excitedly.
"It is not a problem, I would be happy to help Rainbow Dash. She is my friend after all." Luna said with a smile.
Dash approached from her room. She sat by Luna and whispered, "You're late! I've been stuck here with these crazy ponies." Luna chuckled.
"We must be on our way back to Cloudsdale." Rainbow Streak said smiling widely. They left together but as soon as they left the house you could here them arguing. They flew to sepret ways.
"Thank Celestia, I think being nice to each other was getting to their heads." Dash joked.
Luna giggled. 'Where do I sleep while I'm here?" Rainbow lead Luna to a room across from hers. Luna looked around, "This house is bigger than I thought." she said in awe.
"That's what most ponies say." Rainbow said as she opened the door. "I fixed it up for you,"
Luna gasped. The bed spread had her cutiemark on it. The curtains were black and there was a picture of Luna and Dash. "I love it." Luna said hugging Rainbow Dash. The room was peerfect for Luna.
Whew. No votes, and six views. And the story's been up for four months. Ok. I'm no professional editor or critic, but I'll say something. The common advice is, "Write what you know." Does that mean you need to experience rape, on either side? No, but I'm going to guess that you're rather inexperienced in sexy times in general. Inexperience in all of life's events is not bad, it's just a matter of where you are.
And where are you? When visual artists learn to draw, they use references, or even traces (although no trustworthy visual artist will ever post those traces publicly). Musicians learn by playing or singing the songs of their favorite bands (And "covers" are acceptable...). Writers can imitate the style of someone they admire. Who is your inspiration?
Some people will have a problem with RD taking 5,000 bits to have a threesome with other ponies. Are you saying RD is a whore?
There are some grammar issues which can be resolved by consulting the guides here on fimfic, or general grammar guides found on the internet. The pacing overall is very fast, and does not give time for character development.
Firefly sounds like a trollop here.
And it continues. I stopped reading at this chapter. On the whole, LunaDash is not a good title. The idea of Luna and Rainbow Dash having some kind of relationship is worth exploring, but it's worth more than a story which can be written on index cards between classes.
Write what you know.
7311564 Okay I just put up this story today and it has 6 votes, so write what you know. Plus this was a fanfiction I wrote for fun a long time ago on Wattpad and it is doing greatly. I didn't write it to please you. So if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it. And change your username because if you leave comments like this I don't want people thinking badly of Texas
7311652 I wrote this along time ago to improve my writing skill so as things go one my writing gets better.
7311592
I did not write what I wrote in order to hurt your feelings. While the advice of Thumper's father may be good for maintaining friendships, it does not work for improving writing skills. We need to know more about why your characters do the things they do in order for the story to be believable.
7311685 I agree. Things happen too fast without much explanation.