SS&E's Lemurific Box of Pretense and Prose

by shortskirtsandexplosions

February 2016 - Propmaster - Princesses and Guards

Author's Note:

User: Propmaster
Prompt: Their Royal Highnesses Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Twilight are all having tea and discussing politics. Their personal guards - A Pegasai Royal Guard, a Sarosian Lunar Guard, A Unicorn Crystal Guard, and a newly appointed Friendship Castle Guard - all argue quietly over who is Best Princess. (Optional: The princesses are trying to pretend they aren’t aware of the debate over Best Princess, but they all begin to try to subtly one-up one another in an attempt to convince the guards of their merits as Best Princess.)

A refreshment table's wheels clattered against the polished marble floor of Canterlot Castle. Humming pleasantly to herself, the royal caterer turned the corner and continued pushing the tray full of treats down one last hallway before approaching the Palace's Chief Conference Room.

Three armored stallions stood guard at the door to the regularly scheduled briefing. One of them—a crystal pony with translucent peach skin—caught sight of the caterer's approach. Channeling magic into his horn, he opened the double doors just long enough for her to enter.

She paused to curtsy, smile, and then proceeded into the room with her tray. An observant pegasus guard's brown eyes reflected her in passing. Across the hallway—where the light was noticeably dimmer—a sarosian stood at quiet attention. His leafy ears twitched to the sound of three regal voices wafting out the open doorframe.

"...which is why I propose a tax holiday on the outlying colonies," Princess Luna spoke. "Now that the northern territory has been properly settled, we should focus Equestrian defense on the eastern coastline. And that will necessitate a fundamental restructuring of taxation."

"But the Crystal Imperial Reconstruction is far from complete," Princess Cadance's voice drifted softly, but emphatically. "For as long as I'm overseeing the interim government, we're going to need funds to support a military patrol of the adjacent wilderness. And let us not forget about the ill-temperament of the Yakyakistanians to our north."

"You need not fear about Yakyakistan, Princess Cadance," Celestia calmly said. The door slowly shut, cutting off the regal texture of her breath. "Princess Twilight Sparkle has made sure that they will not present any harm to—"

And just like that, all was silent in the hallway outside the briefing room.

The sarosian blinked. A pair of amber slitted eyes peered out from beneath a midnight blue helmet. He stared across the way at the Canterlot guard.

The pegasus blinked back. His ears twitched as he exhaled out his nostrils. Eventually, he looked to his left.

The crystal unicorn caught the glance. He raised one glittery eyebrow, as if waiting for something.

At last, the pegasus gave it: "You and the rest of your crystal brothers are strong," he spoke in a low, breathy voice that barely reverberated off the walls of the palace. "Even without localized funding, I've no doubt that you have the strength and fortitude to defend your homelands from any and all incursions."

Silence.

Eventually, the crystal stallion's voice rumbled beneath his helmet like a tuning fork: "This fact is not lost to us." His kaleidoscopic eyes narrowed. "Is there a reason why you must state such a fact out loud?"

"I simply do not wish for you to worry," the pegasus muttered back. A hint of warmth lit his cheeks, although he remained staring ahead with well-practiced deadpan. "Even if the unthinkable was to happen, Princess Celestia will undoubtedly protect the Crystal Empire to the best of her ability. She is a strong, faithful, and courageous ruler in that respect."

Silence.

"I am honored that you would think as much," the crystal pony once more murmured. "However, we do not depend on the protection and insurance of your Sun Conjurer."

A noticeable fidget rippled up and down the pegasus' body. He tossed it all through his well-groomed tail and forced a dagger-hard glance in the crystal stallion's direction. "I beg your pardon?"

"Princess Cadance's tact and fortitude have proven to be competent factors in establishing peace in our once dormant empire." The crystal stallion took a deep, proud breath. "She need not be in control of the sun or the Central Equestrian Government to display unparalleled grace in defending all crystalline brethren."

"It was not my intention to subtract from the importance of Princess Cadance," the pegasus said.

"Indeed not." The crystal guard nodded slightly, staring forward. "And I must thank you, dear soldier, for supporting my affirmation that Cadance is—undeniably—the best princess to grace this glorious kingdom."

The pegasus performed a savage blink. For once, his helmeted head tilted off-center so that he faced the crystal guard, squinting. "One moment, good sir. I never stated that Cadance was the best princess of this land."

"Is she not?" The crystal guard's voice rolled between them. "Princess Cadance has single-hoofedly resurrected an entire Empire from a frosted grave... and established both government and order. When was the last time your beloved Princess Celestia accomplished something so mighty and yet so humble?"

The pegasus' brow furrowed. "Princess Celestia raises the Sun. That is, in and of itself, analogous to raising the entire world from the dead every day."

"And since when was the night equated with death?" breathed the sarosian in a thick, midnight accent.

The sudden exhalation from the shadows forced the other two to rattle in their armor. They glanced across the hall at the fanged guard.

"Since the dawn of time, Princess Luna has taken on the humble, thankless task of protecting our forsaken horizons when all is gloom and darkness," spoke the leafy-eared stallion. His amber eyeslits intensified along with the tone of his voice. "One's might is not measured in might or in wisdom, but in sacrifice."

"Such as the sacrifice of morals?" the pegasus stabbed with a momentary glare. "How glorious is a princess who betrays her own subjects by submitting to madness?"

"All things that trot this earth are subject to affliction," the sarosian calmly retorted. "And Nightmare Moon was the worst disease to ever befall any being—immortal or otherwise. And yet, in over a thousand years of interminable toil and anguish on the moon, not once did the glorious Princess of the Night let slip her grip on the reins of dreaming. Call her insane if you wish, but our beloved Luna bore madness so that all living things that dream might not."

"A sizable burden for sure." The pegasus managed a smirk. "But does it equate to the weight that Celestia had to bear in lieu of Luna's betrayal?"

The sarosian sighed out a pair of nostrils. "Is this where you cite the thousand year starry reign?"

"For an entire millennium, Canterlot was ruled by a single alicorn, a mighty alicorn who wasn't afraid to raise both the sun and moon on her lonesome. This was a task that nopony else could bear, for Celestia was—for all intents and purposes—the only sane alicorn in existence for centuries." At the end of this, the pegasus tilted his head up with a helmeted smirk. "If that is not the qualification for the greatest princess who ever lived, then I shudder to think what is."

"Are you both so shallow as to think that age and antiquity are equivocal to greatness?" muttered the crystal pony.

Both the pegasus and the sarosian gawked at him.

The lunar guard's dark muzzle scrunched. "Surely you do not mean to suggest that Cadance—a mare barely past a quarter century in age—is deserving of superior reverence?"

"It is no simple task to become an alicorn," the crystal guard said. "You are born twice in this life. Once to yourself, and a second time to the essences of all that's around you. One becomes a vessel, a conduit for all of life's magic and passion. And what can possibly be more passionate than the fabric of love? That which channels hatred and adoration through an equine soul, with the power to spark wars and pacify continents?" He inhaled hard, then finished with: "This age has seen the resurgence of chaos, nightmares, and the abominable Sombra himself. But it was not power, might, or cunning that created harmonic equilibrium despite such strife. Nay, it was the shining heart of our humble and blessed steward, and you—my brothers—should be thanking your lucky stars every time you go home to your adoring families that there is a monarch out there who acts as the living buffer for such priceless emotions."

The air of the hallway heated up. With frowning expressions, the pegasus and the sarosian looked ready to retort, and the crystal stallion prepared to defend his stance with equal passion...

...when suddenly the door to the conference room opened. The caterer trotted out with her tray. She paused to take one look at the stallions. "You all wish to know who is the best princess of Equestria?" Her lidded eyes swept over each of them in equal turn. "I tell you, it is all three—for having the foresight to cast a Master Level Acoustics Spell on this wing of the Palace, so that they would be able to hear any and all sounds within one hundred meters of the Conference Room." She smirked. "Be they threats... or the incessant chat of juvenile guards."

The three stallions gawked at her.

She swished her tail, tilted her chin up with a smile, and exited the hallway with her refreshment tray in tow.

In her absence, the guards exchanged nervous expressions.

Just beyond the door...

...Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadance sat at their table. They each levitated a cup of tea, but nopony was actually prepared to sip. They looked at one another in utter silence.

And then Princess Celestia chuckled. Almost immediately, Cadance giggled. Even Princess Luna bore the hint of a smirk on her face.

"You must excuse my lunar guardstallion for his guile," spoke the moon princess. "He and all his kind are most loyal to my court."

"And I do hope you don't find the crystal guard too forward in his words," Cadance said. "It would seem that the citizens and agents of the Crystal Empire have grown quite fond of me."

"And, as you could expect, I command much respect of the pegasi who stand guard here in the Castle," Princess Celestia said. "It's precisely what makes them the strongest and most vigilant ponies in all of Equestria."

Princess Cadance cleared her throat. "Your Majesty, with all due respect, I beg to differ. After all, the Imperial Guard of the frozen north have displayed great fortitude and self-reliance long before the influence of any royalty, including yours truly. Surely, for that fact and many more, crystal ponies make for the best guards."

"And yet, did any of your beloved imperialists lie in patient wait for one thousand years so that you might return to glory?" Princess Luna turned to squint at her older sister. "While withstanding cruel and unfair persecution from daylighters in the process?"

"Beloved sister, the Celestial Guard are the very epitome of love and tolerance—"

"But who can respect love greater than the imperials?" Cadance folded her forelimbs in a pout. "Their most beloved icon is the crystal heart, after all!"

"So much emphasis on tolerance and love" Luna frowned. "What of the mind? If not for the wisdom and cunning of my beloved sarosians, all creatures of the night would have run amok by now."

"It does not negate the glory of the Celestial Guard—"

"The crystal empire's defense department has strength unparalleled—"

"Incorrigible hussies! What speakest thou of glory or strength—?!"

Comments

[PropMaster]

Ha! Awesome. I laughed when all subtlety was dropped and they started openly arguing. Oh man, if you're going to tweak each prompt a bit like this, it's going to be a lot of fun.

[berrytone]

I love this.

[FanOfMostEverything]

And Twilight quietly grooms the earth ponies of Ponyville into a surprisingly unstoppable militia under the tutelage of General Pie. They'll never see the revolution coming.

[Vitae]

Heh. Luna's outburst at the end had a chuckle from me

[QueenMoriarty]

"Might is not measured in might."

Uh-huh.

I loved this so much.

[Shipmun]

pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3851-1332283623948.gif
I really oughtta read all of these if they're this good!