A peaceful home on the outskirts of Appleloosa and two loving fathers is all Ballad Breeze can really ask for.
But things go downhill the moment tragedy strikes, which leaves her alone with no place else to go. Desperate for acceptance and the happiness her parents once gave her, Ballad turns to the wrong pony and finds herself trapped in an insufferable lifestyle that causes her to lose sight in herself and everything she once believed in, including love.
(contains mild gore scenes and mild sexual references/activities)
Cover art by: Oblivionheart13
Chapters (1)
This seems pretty good, but the chapter title is WAY too long. Srry.
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Shorten chapter title. Got it! I appreciate the feedback, honestly I really do.
Yo! Remember me from the Writer's Group when I gave you that tiny bit of advice? Well, I saw you needing help in the What's Wong With My Story group so I decided why not and read up the book. If I recall, you wanted to know if this was paced well and written enough so it doesn't look like an author with no literacy skill wrote it correct? If that is to be the case, then let me be the first to start a small but descriptive review
Setting: So the location is placed in Appleloosa eh? And yet things went almost downhill with the mentioning of the ship between Braeburn and Caramel being filly-foolers and then some (which by the way sounds awkward...). I suddenly feel like I'm in the U.S. during the time when gay marriages weren't allowed and stuff like this happened but in here, it is much worse. Poor Ballad...
Suddenly in here, I want to wreck the Appleloosans for being dunce heads about this but like real life, it's not easy to do so but even then I want to do it so badly 
Characters: Braeburn is rather in-character for the most part. I can't really say much about this until I see some other characters like Twilight and what-not
Sentence Flux: Now here is where you wanted to know. Reading through the story, so far, the pacing is even. A few moments here and there did confuse me mostly due to two speaking voices coming in at the same time. I'd recommend separating the sentences that have two speaking voices so that it doesn't become confusing. Second would be your usage of bolds, italics, and the color palette pink. While I will not question your choice of this in the matter, I might suggest not using bold for the sentences, readers can see rather easily without the bold being needed. You can use it as to represent someone raising their tone to an angry level like this below me...
How dare you ruin this story with your lies!?
Just an example, don't take it seriously
For italics, I would use it for parts involving ponies thinking to themselves or something for a flashback. Both bolds and italics can also be used for emphasis on one word or a sentence.
The pink, I'm not so sure about that... I'm fine with it but depending on others, I'm not so sure...
For the tags I recommend not using all those tags unless they are absolutely necessary, too many tags can be a bad thing.
Okay, I think I went far enough on this story. This so far has a strong start, as I'm wondering how will Ballad's life will go forward with this now. I'll be happily keeping track of this story
If you need anything else of matters, just PM and I'll be certain to see what troubles you 
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Thank you sooooo much. I really appreciate the suggestions, and you've made some good points. I decided to keep the pink color for the poem entries though (might change it later) simply because I want it to stand out from other italics (flashbacks) and bolded stuff. I don't want to stray too far away from my original vision.
But I did eliminate some tags that weren't neccesary, and bolder only a few things. And you're right!!! Separating the dialogs between two voices is a bit more clearer and makes the pace more even.
The mane ponies should appear later in Chapter 3 or 4 (I know that seems so far away, but for good reason). And yeah, in this universe, ponies of Appleloosa hate the LGBT community basically. It was hard executing them this way because I honestly love Appleloosa <3 I also found it kind of funny to name the main antagonist of this chapter "Brokeback" since it originated from the film "Brokeback Mountain" (a film about two guys falling in love in the mountains hehe )
Again, thank you. Now it's time to work on chapter 2 ;)
6898537 No problem! Just expect me to be like this for a long while
"ugly hillbilly" Oh really? Do you know any hillbillys? Well I do most are kind and excepting. So you will fix that little error. Thank you a Hillbilly....
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My gramps has a close friend who's a hillbilly and we used to visit their place quite often because we're considered "extended family". Eventually we stopped because it was getting too expensive to visit them (we lived in Florida and they are in Georgia)
Actually, I do!
And indeed many are kind and accepting! I completely agree with you there
However, I fail to see the error you're referring to. Perhaps you're offended simply because I used the term once to describe a character (from Ballad's point of view, might I add)....and from that you jump to the conclusion that I believe in their stereotypical connotations and purposely used the term for it to sound insulting. No, the insulting part was "ugly". Had I said he was a "handsome hillbilly", would you have overlooked that? Honestly, before making assumptions, realize that there ARE people out there who use terms for other purposes ,other than to insult someone. I would've understood your concerns more had I made Ballad say something like this:
"YOU DAMN HILLBILLY"
^ that is me using it as an insult...implying that his actions as a character originates from him being a hillbilly, which is untrue. All actions taken by "the meathead" are actions that can easily be taken by other individuals who aren't "hillbillies", so it's not like I chose the Appleloosians to be the antagonists simply because "oh hey, hillbillies are known for doing this stuff all the time! They would be perfect to use for this!"
IN FACT:
I will be exposing even worse characters in Manehatten within my next chapter.
So this isn't based on stereotypes, it's based on her dealing with bad ponies from different regions. Hillbillies, Urbanites, Suburbans, Aliens...it doesn't matter. Some are good, some are bad.*shrugs*
So while I appreciate your suggestion, I will not remove the term from my story. I'm truly sorry if you were offended for how the term was used (or offended because it was used in general, I'm not entirely sure), but that isn't intentional.
(now if you weren't really offended, then my bad for assuming you were lol)
6905036 1st. Yes I was offended. 2nd. I over it now. 3rd. I really like the story. It just was like what the buck? when I read that part. Hillbillys is good peoples is all I am saying. I do really like the story too. I just get well I just get sometimes.
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I'm aware. But I'm truly glad you're enjoying it so far!!! Saturday or Sunday will be the release of my second chapter, so stay tuned ;)
Okay what!? What the heck just happened at the end!? The dark part I saw but the end was just... what?! Er... I don't think I can say how I feel about this with me being shocked and all...
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You'll have to wait till the next chapter ;) No worries, there will be a detailed description on what's to come. I figured it was best to snip that out of this chapter so you can guess what will happen instead of being thrown everything right there at the end like I did in the first chapter.
6930564 That's a smart thing to do because you're leaving me in the suspense which is a good thing
Who drew that cover art?! It is fantastic!
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An artist called Oblivionheart. I was a little worried when I saw it....I believe people will pay more attention to the coverart rather than the story because it's breathtaking lol. But yeah it's amaaaaaaazing <3
6968401 Oki. :D
6968401 Where can I find more of his work? Also, why did he make the Unicorn who looks kinda like Trenderhoof look evil? Trenderhoof isn't evil.
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*siiiiigghh* Your question proves you made no attempt to even read the two chapters, otherwise you'd know why he wears and evil expression. Even the long description could give you a guess to answer your question, lol
But I'll have to say this now before it gets out of hand (so this is not just towards you, no worries)
Please avoid asking/inquiring about ONLY the coverart when commenting on my story. It's a bit inconsiderate. However, I don't mind people messaging me privately on the matter. I don't mind answering questions you may have about the cover art c:
Goes back on this fic to read again when my eyes fell upon the cover art Holy... OH MY GOD...
That is the most beautiful cover art I have ever gazed upon... even more so than a bunch of Fo:E cover arts I've seen and that's saying something!
That cover art will most definitely attract a bunch of people to the fiction, I know it will! 
You might also want to link the guy's deviantart account, makes it easier for people who want to see his art 
Looks on comments to find out who the artist is Oblivionheart eh? Well, looks like I found someone to follow on DeviantArt then! Repeating what I said before with emphasis...
That is the most beautiful cover art I have ever seen!
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Lol thanks!
as promised I read through the first chapter.
There were a few editing mistakes, missing words or added letters that are really easy to fix but didnt take away from reading so thats not a huge issue.
The dialogue seemed a little chopping, perhaps rushed for effect.
That would be the main comment about this chapter, despite how long this initial chapter is, it was severely rushed. For the crime to have really hit home there likely needs to be more time spent discussing or reflecting on the times they had together, perhaps have ballad go through a 'day in the life' kind of thing before everything goes to heck.
You definitely did good to set up the atmosphere of the town and how they particularly feel about her parents relationship. If you intend on bringing in other characters related to breaburn or caramel it might be a good idea to have them visit the farm stead in a memory during those opening paragraphs so you can lead back to it later as someone who we actively see as having cared for the family before the tragedy took place.
also, if you want to add a bit more of a hopeless feeling to the tragedy, as they are walking to the gallows add in a few quick memory flashes, like the akward memories of two earth ponies attempting to teach a pegasus filly how to fly, or a fireside storytime during a cold winter on the farm, moments that continue to build a hearty connection between the characters even as we watch those connections being brutally severed.
Honestly, even having just read the first chapter, I will place this story on my watch list, I like the premise, it has an insane amount of potential depending on whether you continue to explore racism/sexism/ or the present homophobia, or just decide to use that as a backwash for the brighter elements of other places in equestria.
or just crank the dial up to 9 and go full blown extorted young niave filly and really bring the grimdark tag all the way home.
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Thank you so much for your feedback!
I was considering doing that, but decided against it. I wanted the story to start off with a "happy life" teaser and provide some insight on how her life usually is with Braeburn and Caramel including how the "family came to be".....then allow the tragedy to happen. Which was why I titled this one "In the blink of an eye".
I'll try to create smoother dialogue. Any tips?
Also, your idea with integrating flashbacks as the story progresses is already in motion. In fact, each chapter provides a flashback scene to give readers a slow picture about what life she had. Almost a comparison effect: Follow Ballad as life gets confusing and shitty while also following how life was before the tragedy. Not sure if that makes sense.
I'll try to read over my chapters to catch any corrections that are needed to be made.
There is also a side one-shot story in the works to explore Braeburn and Caramel before they had Ballad Breeze.
Fantastic. :). I'm happy to hear that the story expands the way I had perceived.
As far as dialogue goes a good key to try and remember is that a character usually has an emotion before responding, their response or statement, then a follow up emotion or action that leads further into the conversation. For example:::
...she giggled into her hoof, "now Rainbow, there is no need to be so ... So brash!" the hoof came away in a grand sweep as if to showcase the room, "There is a bit of everything here tonight, we'll soothe that adventurous itch."
Rainbow shook loose the anxious feeling in her wings and straightened " well, can't win if I don't give it a shot. Alright Rarity, I'll stay for a bit, see what this party is really about." A step towards the door and a flick of her snout later and the mates were headed back to the ballroom.
::::
So just an example of following or leading a a scene using action/dialogue combos. They become hella easier the more you use them. For me it's easiest to watch the scene play out in my head like a clip from an episode or a scene from a movie.
Hope that helps and I'll check out the other chapters soon !